I spent this past weekend trying to see what life would be like without H around. So I entertained myself most of the weekend and gave little thought to having H around. (basically ignored him or just talked when necessary) It bothered me more than it bothered him!<P>I ended up doing what I've been doing for the past year with him. Major lovebusting! By now I'm in the negative as far as the bank goes. I keep bringing up all those same things everyone here wants to have answers to. Why Mia? What does she look like? What does she do that I don't? (oh, I can actually answer that one) Why doesn't my H touch me, kiss me, hug me, or attempt to have sex with me? See, even though he says his affair is over because she broke it off, I don't believe it. My H has always had a strong sex drive so this "celebate" act doesn't ring true to me.<P>Why is it that I want and keep demanding answers to my questions but I don't get any? I don't care if the answers to my questions hurt me. I'm already hurt. At this point I think I've earned the truth.<P>How would you all go about getting your spouses to finally "spill all"? This not knowing is killing me.<BR>

TL,<P>I'm gonna tell you the one thing you may not want to hear, but here goes:<P>My H did not tell me everything about his OW (plural) until I had an affair. Don't ask me why, I don't know. <P>I knew WHO they were, what they looked like, but not what they DID until 6 months ago (and the affairs were in 1987!). <P>I think that sometimes we will never know. <P>So, the question is: can you live with not knowing?? <P>I think that's an important question.<P>Getting it out of him ain't gonna be easy, that's for sure. But it may just come in time... or never.<P>I hope I didn't bum you out too much... I do know how you feel.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I think your need to know is very valid. Important for recovery.<P>But, your need to know might be out of control. Maybe slow the pace down with something that is more manageable.<P>Start a list of questions. Write all of them down, one by one, every time you think of them.<P>Tell husband that you realize your need to know is important, but you realize that your impatience is killing the progress. Tell him you are making a list, and that maybe once a week for one hour, he should review the list, and pick one or two questions he feels comfortable about answering.<P>Some kind of plan to help you understand will help you maintain your control.

I too needed to know everything about my H's affair. As soon as I knew everything that happened, I could dismiss it. I didn't rationalize it, I didn't even pretend to understand it, but at least there was NO MORE MYSTERY. There was no more "what is still hidden?" left lurking in the back of my mind... As soon as I knew about it all, the desire to ask questions really left me. There was nothing left to ask, nothing left unsaid or untold, so I didn't feel the need to discuss it much anymore. It began to bore me - I know it's hard to believe, but true. <P>I think you need to know for the same reasons I need to know. To know for certain that there are no more secrets, no more lies. You may never really know "WHY" but at least you will not be left wondering about what may or may not have happened...<P>E.

My H stopped his affair in Jan 99 & restarted it this summer. The first time I was like you and hounded him and asked and asked and asked. He told me. It hurt. But I kept asking...and I won't ever get some of those pictures out of my mind, plus I hate my crockpot (we were separated, he came to our house to get it, used it to cook her supper, then returned it to my house--I found this out later of course.)<P>I wanted to know everything, but it was nonproductive because it just hurt me. Ask yourself why you need to know, and will you feel better? What would make you feel better? You can't make your H do anything to soothe you, you have to take charge of yourself.<P>The second period of my H's affair, I asked very few questions & he didn't want to tell me much either. I'd still like to gut the OW like a deer, but I concentrate on ousting her from my mind everytime she or the affair pops in.<P>You know, whether our marriages survive or not, we still have to live with ourselves.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Oh, and I meant to say that I think your weekend plan was good. But forget about doing it to manipulate your H, do things you enjoy for you.<P>I may have mentioned this before, but I found going on Paxil (anti-anxiety med) to be a major help with controlling my emotions. I'd tried St. Johns Wort for a year and added Kava Kava since March, but Paxil rules!

I too have a real need to know some of the things about my H's affair, but I have recently discovered that I may be asking too many right now. I'm not sure that I can stay with him and never know, but I'm hoping one day he will trust me enough to know that I only need to know for me and for us as a couple. I think he feels like I'm going to need to know every detail. I don't want to know very much, but I'm still waiting for answers too. I'm trying very hard to be patient because I love him, but it is going to take a real committment from him to work on our relationship and he is still so caught up in protecting the OW and their child together that he doesn't realize that all I want is for us to get better. He doesn't trust me. I ask myself all the time how I could have ended up the one he doesn't trust in this situation, but I guess it's possible. I'm hoping he realizes soon that I am being honest and am only concerned about us.

Tired,<P>I have been wanting to reply to some of your posts so much but never had the time. Now that I am sick and ignoring my programming homework well I am making the time for you! Because as we all know Tired Lady rules!<P>I think that you need to take some time. Step back and just remind yourself that Tired Lady rules! After Tony's second batch of affairs I really got to the point where I would say to myself all the time what is wrong with me why am I being treaded like dirt. There really must be something wrong with me. I must really be dog doo to society for this to happen to me. Than one day a little voice went off. It is not me. I have nothing to do with this. Tony is the one with the problem not me. (Not to say Tony is evil but he really needs to learn self control and anger management).<P>I have gotten to the point to where I am rebuilding me. I really hate this process I have been through it three times. It sucks. You get comfortable with yourself and then bam an affair to rip out the entire realm of reality. Working on me is finishing my masters. Tony also knows where he stands in this. I need my job and I want my degree but I neither need nor want him in my life if he can not work on his issues. This really hurt him...because he knows I mean it but it had to be done. <P>I have a different philosophy than most. I like MB therories and for the most part they really work. But I have added in tough love. I have been very firm with Tony. I have told him that I no longer love him and ment it. I will not be abused and treated like dirt when I know I am a gift. I can no longer love Tony the way I did in the past. Who knows if we will even make it. Tony has enough faith for the both of us in this section to carry us both through this pain and anger. I think when I started to let Tony know where he stood and let him know what was ok and not he really started to take notice. This was also mixed in with the fact that I really started to love me again.<P>Not sure if you know the rock star Biork (she is from GreenLand). She has a song where the lyrics are: "my name is isabelle and I am married to myself". That has a huge meaning to me. I plan on someday actually asking myself to marry me. And have a litte wedding just for me. It sybolizes to me that we all are married to our selves for better or worse richer or poorer and sickness and health. It mean really take care of ourselves. <P>Maybe the first thing to do is really love yourself. And as far a Mia goes screw her. So she may seem like she has a lot of friends and has fun all the time. Do your really believe that she can look at herself in the mirror? In all honesty probably not. And if they really ended up together do you think they would be happy? Probably not. I know first hand what happens when you end up with the person you had an affair with. John and Susan had an affair together and then later got married. Now Susan does not trust John futher than she can throw him. They are both so misrable in their relationship that lies created. So in all honesty I really try not to focus on any of the OW (and I mean a lot of them too) in my life because even the ones I know I would not care to have in my life as friends knowing what type of people they are moraly.<P>Just say to yourself every morning in the mirror. I am tired lady and I love me and I am valuable. It may seem silly now but trust me it really helps build the confidence back up.

Tired Lady, both you and Pahakissa rule!!! It is sooooo true! Sometimes we don't need to know as much as we think we need to know. A little thing I tried that worked is I stopped and thought about the question first. Is this something I really needed to know or is it something that might actually hurt me more to have the knowledge of. <BR>I too, tried St. Johns Wart but have a major problem with gout that St. Johns actually increased! I was on wellbutrin for awhile but have gone off now due to my condition. It is a minor miracle worker and helped tremendously! <BR>Do not feel the need to compare yourself with someone else like Mia, she's not the answer, she's just a side effect. YOU are the important one in all of this and YOU have to put YOURSELF up there. It's hard, especially when you have natural reactions. But YOU are worthy of entertaining yourself when he doesn't and maybe if you told yourself it more than things would be better for you, the important one! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>