WS is really angry about this.

A couple of weeks ago, OW's H called me. He called my cell and he called my home. I didn't answer the first call, but when I found out he had called our home, and one of our kids answered, I called him back. My intent was to ask him to NOT call our home again (because of the kids). It was a brief phone call, but he did ask some questions about the affair. I answered. He stated that he wanted to meet with me. I didn't commit to meeting because I didn't understand his reasons. Next thing I know, I'm getting phone calls from OW, accussing me of meeting with her husband for lunch. I hung up on her and called her husband back. He said he never told her he was meeting with me (where else would she have gotten that idea???). This second phone call lead to a question answer session. Obviously he found out about his wife's affair, or he would have never called me. I answered all of his questions honestly. I had already told WS that, if given the opportunity, I would speak with her husband and expose. I strongly, STRONGLY believe that he had every right to know.

WS is really ticked about this. He says that it wasn't my "place" to tell her husband anything. Now the guy is calling WS' work cell and threatening WS. The man even went so far as to have WS followed during the day while he worked. That turned into an ugly scene. WS figured out he was being followed and confronted the guy doing it. The guy, upon reazling he had been made, went after WS with a baseball bat. Luckily, WS had called his friend at the PD. He appeared right as things were getting ugly and was able to restrain the guy. WS is pretty hot-headed and wants to go after her husband. He says that this will never stop unless he puts a stop to it (violence). I don't understand his thinking and I DON'T understand how he can say it wasn't my place to talk to her husband.

Can someone enlighten me?

Of course he doesn't want you talking to her husband- that will break up his happy little affair.

If both you and the owh are watching them it will be harder for him to have contact with her, why wouldn't he be mad?

You did the right thing except you should have called the OWH first.

The OWH is one of the best people to help you break this up.

So, is threatening your husband stopping the contact?

Well this seems to be volitale situation. I would suggest that you get your WH out of town, maybe the two of you can get away for a few days, there needs to be a cooling off period.

You or a friend may need to call the OWH and say look you take care of your house and I will take care of mine. Tell him that if there is any furhter contact between (OW and WH) then you will contact him and vis versa. But no more confrontation.

Tell him that and get him focused off your H and onto his family.

Then do the same with your H, does he care more for the OW or his family? If he cares for his family get him to focus on it.

I don't think you did anything wrong with exposure.

Are you concerned for your own safety? If so you need to get out and go somewhere's safe.

De-escalation is what is needed right now

There is nothing to be enlightened about. Of course it was your place to tell the OWH everything you knew about the affair, he has a RIGHT to know this. Your husband does not have a RIGHT to screw around with another man's wife. The OWH is your H's VICTIM, not the other way around.

All of the fallout from this is happening because your H is screwing around with someone's wife. He might be wise to stop doing that as he can see it might earn him an [censored] whooping.

It is not your place to lie or hide his sleazy affair from his victims. It is your husband's place, however, to stop doing things that cause so much trouble for him.


AS you can see, there is logic or reason to your H's "thinking" so don't even try to understand an insane person. He has lost his mind so don't waste your time trying reason with a crazy man.

Has your husband ended his affair? Is all contact ended?

The above in bold would be laughable if it wasn't so very sad.

He is so deep in denial as to the REASON all of this has happened, and using deflection to place blame elsewhere, anywhere other than where it belongs. Its a pretty easy path to follow for someone with a rational mind.

Screw Another's Spouse -> Get an Azz Whoopin

Solution = Back Away From Adultery

Jo

In my opinion, those in an affair never want anybody to know about it. When the BS does expose, the wayward's little minds twist it around so that they become the victim in all of this. Even my In-laws, who decided to join the dark side, are angry at me for exposing STBXCH's affair to his uncle A YEAR after it started. Why, they ask, did he have to know? Until your CH is completely done with and recovered from the A, you will always be the bad guy.

It certainly WAS your place. As his spouse and the person who is trying to save her marriage, you have a valid and inherent right to expose his adultery.

Now he's faced with dealing with the consequences of HIS actions and wants to blame you. Don't listen to his nonsense.

Jo

He says it's over. I'm still very watchful.



He says there's been no contact. He agreed to tell me if there was any or even an attempt. Again, I'm still very watchful.

He has a history (pre-affair) of lying/deceiving. It's a terrible habit that he admits to. We've started couples therapy, and he's going to start IC. I agree that he's in denial. There IS accountability, but not full accountability. He's looking for someone else to share the blame...and that person is me. It inflames me that he would dare place any blame for any of this on me. It was HIS choice to sleep with a married woman. He is the one that set that ball in motion. Don't get me wrong. I completely own what I did that lead to the breakdown of our relationship. I know I contributed a good portion of the damage, but I had zero choice/control/influence over his choice to cheat. The collateral damage is extensive and his way of dealing with it is through anger.

It was your place to tell the BH all that you knew. It is the BH place to put a hurting on your H! It's a shame that it comes down to that sometimes... but really, your H deserves to get his a$$ kicked. Now, that being said, you both should try and prevent that from happening... but it doesn't mean he hasn't earned having his butt handed to him.

OB1, it is a very common tactic of a wayward to shift the blame for their sleazy behavior to others. I think you can see it for what it is so don't let it bother you. Unless he is constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself, the fog will eventually roll awy and he will see and admit this.

Will he send her a no contact letter? This would be a good will gesture TO YOU demonstrating his remorse about his affair. I will post an example of a no contact letter frm Surviving an Affair along with a link of what it will take for him to rebuilt trust:

sample no contact letter:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Rules of Protection after an affair: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Thanks for the responses. I know, in my heart and my head, that I did the right thing. Unfortunately it's a big bone of contention between us. I know it's "fog" talk, but it still hurts to feel that anger from him. I've tried being calm, neutral and rational. It doesn't work. He's hard-headed and has a hard time with owning his mistakes and doing what needs to be done to make "it" right. His defense is to go on the attack, thereby compounding the problem. Communication completely breaks down and we end up angry at each other.

I brought him here last night. I asked him to read Pep's thread about exposure. It may have been a mistake...I'm not sure. Bottomline, he thought it was a bunch of bull. Before reading it, he said that he would be interested in hearing our counselor's opinion about exposure and whether it was my place or not. Now I'm thinking that he's only open to opinions if they are what he wants to hear. I wish he would come here. I think it could help. Should I try again?

I tell you what, if your counselor doesn't see the merit in exposure then I would personally find another counselor...Exposure is simply the best way to bust up the fantasy world of an affair...Please keep in mind that I am telling you this as a FWS...Your husband has a ways to go to fully grasp this concept as he is still very "foggy" and probably even going through withdrawal right now...When was his last contact with the OW?

Since you have already shown him this site, I say sure, bring him here again...Encourage him to post even...I would welcome his foggy foray into why exposure is so "BAD"...Of course, he should be prepared to have his azz handed to him when he does that-lol...And honestly I see that as a good thing...I have learned a great deal from the 2x4's that were dealt to me when I came here spewing fog...That was instrumental into my owning all my crap...Which is HUGE...and a MUST for recovery...

Mrs. W

P.S. You are right, he does only want opinions telling him what he wants to hear right now...Of course, that helps neither you or him...As FWS, I would be glad to answer any of his questions or take on any of his foggy logic...You know, I've "been there, done that"...

I concur with Mrs W. It is unfortunately almost a given that counselors will advise against exposure. Tell ya what. Find out what percentage of marriages your counselor has actually saved after infidelity. Make sure your counselor is pro marriage and if possible uses the Harley principles.

Please do bring your Husband here. If he starts spouting fog, he will get his [censored] handed to him in short order. But eventually when he removes his head he will find a way out of this mess he has created by his bad choices.

I would very much like for your husband to come here and tell us in his words why it wasn't your place to talk to OWH...That would be very interesting indeed...

As BigKahuna likes to say...We LOVE FORMER WSs at MB...Your husband can earn that all important "F", but it's going to take work on his part...In fact, I challenge him to it...What do you say Mr. OB1? Time to MAN UP!!! You up to it?

Mrs. W

I'll find a way to broach the subject again. He's limited on time during the week, but I'm hoping he's open to putting forth a little effort here and see where it goes. The obstacle is engaging him and keeping him engaged. If what he's told doesn't agree with his way of thinking, he's quick to dismiss. Getting him to commit to sticking it out and give it an honest try can be difficult.

Exactly how long ago was d-day for you OB1? He may very well still have his head in deep fog. A few details about his affair would be useful. Exactly what actions is your husband taking to recover your marriage or is he the kind that just want to move on and pretend it never happened.

If he is the bury your head in the sand type of guy, I guarantee he won't like what he hears here. If he wants a loving recovered marriage, well the medicine will be bitter but we sure will cure the disease.

I see no point in continuing to engage a foghorn. You will never get him to see the rationale of what you did as long as he is fogged out. Just let it go and know that you did the right thing whether he likes it or not. Continuing to bring up the subject is not a solution but rather, a sure fire way to start another fight.

D-day? Well, I first discovered a relationship, of sorts, a little over 4 months ago. There were hundreds of phone calls and text messages between him and this woman. He told me "just friends" and promised to stop because of how it made me feel. For 2 months after, I was anxious and suspected something more was going on. He was working later than usual, he treated me with indifference and there was a lot more time spent away on the weekends. Two months ago, I confronted him with what I already knew in my heart. He admitted to seeing the same woman. The night after confronting him, he admitted to sleeping with her. For several days after, he stated he was confused and didn't know what he wanted.

OB1,

Have you been tested for STDs? You do know you need to have that done, no?

Jo