If the WS was told to leave, why is he still there?

L.

He's still "here". Yesterday, I was throwing all his things into garbage bags. He came home and we ended up talking until 3 in the morning. I would assume that if he truly wanted to leave, he would have. There's nothing stopping him. I had already told him he was free to go. This morning, we talked a little here and there. He looked very uncomfortable. Didn't know what to say or do. Hugging me is awkward. Kissing me goodbye is awkward. He feels funny. He says it's not about whether or not he loves me. It's not about whether or not the emotion is there. He's just having a tough time with it.

We had plans to go away for the weekend. With some trepidation, we are still going. There are no kids, no pets, no phones, no OW, no distractions. Just him and me. I could be wrong, but my instinct is telling me that he doesn't understand how this can work out. His brain is telling him it's impossible to recover from something like this. He can't understand WHY I still love him. WHY would I want to stay after all the damage that has been done? WHY would I even consider trying to work things out? It doesn't make sense to him. It's to good to be true, therefore it can't be true. He thinks the affair is the deathblow and we're just prolonging the inevitable. I've tried to explain, given certaim parameters, rules, conditions, etc., recovery IS possible.

He's agreed to read Surviving an Affair. I mentioned His Needs, Her Needs, and he said it sounded like a good book. I asked if he would like me to get it. He said yes, he would read it.

We're going to go out tonight and spend some time together...try to reconnect a little bit after these disasterous 2 days. Tomorrow we go to Ensenada for a couple of days. Any ideas on what I might do with that time? Talk about relationship stuff? NOT talk about relationship stuff and just try to reconnect and enjoy being with each other? A combination of both? I want to make the most of the time. He has not committed to no contact. I've asked, with no response.

He wants to read some of Surving an Affair tonight. Any thoughts on that? I need advice on how to proceed.

OB1...

All of this sounds promising-Going out of town together is the BEST thing that you could do right now-the Harleys recommend a week away together if you can swing it...I think that you approach the weekend with the attitude of just having fun...You are in Plan A mode, so you show him what he would be missing if he leaves-attract him back to the marriage...Your goal is to make yourself into the best wife that you can be...Meet all of his needs that you can...Remember real recovery can't begin until No Contact is established and he withdraws from the affair...If he asks you how recovery is possible explain to him that it isn't without no contact(say this matter of factly, without snideness-ugh, difficult no doubt), but then continue on in your fun weekend...Let him read SAA and he can perhaps begin to understand how recovery is possible...If he asks, tell him that it is uncharted territory for you as well, but that you are willing and able to stand by his side and do what it takes for recovery, because you love him and he is worth it...

And OB1, please take care of you...you are in my thoughts and prayers...

Mrs. W

I'm anxious about the whole thing (the weekend). I know it's important. I know we need to do this. It's hard to put myself into the right frame of mind to do this, but I WILL. I'm concerned that he will try to find a way to back out of it. The fact that he won't or hasn't left tells me something, but then he acts like he's ready to flee.

His behavior towards me has me really wondering what is going on in his head. I need someone to explain it to me. He has feelings of awkwardness when it comes to physical contact. He says he wants to hug me, hold me, kiss me, whatever, but he feels strange about it. It seems to take great effort and he does it with reluctance. Saying "I love
you", which used to come so naturally from him, is now practically non-existant. If I hear it, it's usually because I said it first. Sometimes I'll say it and get no response at all. I feel completely rejected most times. This morning for instance, I went to kiss him good-bye and he looked at me with this "duh" look on his face. Usually, when I walk up to him like that, he'll bend over and meet me half way. I'm a bit shorter than he is, so I can't reach his mouth without him bending. This morning, I stood in front of him and he looked down at me and said "What?".

As I'm typing this, I'm picking up on the pattern. In the last few months since D-day, whenever we have any A related drama, he goes into this dark mode where he appears to be deeply depressed. He comes across as lost/confused. He wants the affection/love, but he doesn't feel capable of receiving it, much less giving it. As the days pass, he comes out of it little by little...until the next incident, and then it's back to square one.

I finally caved and went to the doc this morning. Over 4 months of dealing with the emotional rollercoaster wiped me out. He described what I was going through as being similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. Flashback like episodes, erratic sleep, hyper-sensivity, anxiety, etc. He prescribed Paxil. I'm angry that it has come to this. I've always considered myself to be an emotionally strong person. I hate that it has come to this. I'm sure it'll help, but I should have never been placed in this position to begin with.

Just got off the phone with D. I knew he would find a way to not go away for the weekend. He tells me he's on call for the weekend and he just found out. We had this trip planned for almost 2 weeks. Now, all of sudden he's on call. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I feel like I'm in a competition I can't win. He's been treating her the way he used to treat me. He sends her flowers all the time, phone calls all day long, caring, concerned for her feelings, talking about moving in together, he takes her out for dinner and God knows what else. He even mentioned marriage. These are all things I found out from her. I believe her. Do you know how difficult it's been for him to find time for us? Only to find out he's had the time all along...he was just spending it with her. He's so wrapped up in this wonderful affair, I'm at a loss as to how to pull him out of it. Odds are, he's going to find time to spend with her this weekend. He'll continue to contact her and see her at every opportunity. I feel helpless. How much more do me and the kids have to suffer while he indulges in this selfishness?

The Paxil will really help. I'm glad you got it. Thing is, it takes about 3 weeks to kick in. But after it does, life will be much better, and you will be able to deal with all this more calmly.

Dear OW's family;

Hello, my name is Mrs. XYZ

I am writing you to let you know that, my husband J XYZ is having an affair with your (daughter, neice, granddaughter, friend, etc), Candy Holicious. This is not a joke. In fact, I met with her just the other day to inform her that my husband and I are not separated, sharing a bed and I believed wholly vested in our marriage. She was shocked and caught unawares. I am afraid she finds herself lied to by my wayward husband and now stuck in a relationship with him over her head in the midst confusing emotions.

Anyway, I am fighting for my marriage and requesting any help that you can provide me and my children and/or advice you can offer Ms. Holicious that may assist in the ending of their illicit and immoral extra-marital affair.

Time is of the essence. The daily devastation this is placing upon my children has already become nearly unbearable. My husband was always a decent man and I hope your (daughter, neice, cousin, sister, etc) is a decent person too that will wake up and return to her loving husband (whom I have spoken with). She seemed nice and shocked that she had been so very much deceived and if not for the addictive nature of extra-marital affairs I presume she'd normally and expectedly extricate herself from such a relationship built upon such lies and deceipt. Perhaps you can knock some sense into her and get her to go home to her family.

Mrs. Faithful Wife and her children X and Y



OB,

I know you got punished HARD last time you did any exposure but as you've become aware of continued contact such anger was merely a manipulation tactic to keep you quiet. Exposure is ruinious to affairs. She can never introduce him to family and friends as a decent man from a bad marriage. The "he was getting divorced" line will no longer ever work. Reality hits home as they will forever remain an illicit fully exposed adulterous relationship.

Maybe you can talk OW's Husband into doing the full exposure thus taking you off the hook. Best scenario is doing it together. Even if some of her family knows I doubt she's now made them aware of the extent of the lies he's told her. If she's continuing the relationship she'll want to keep the other night a secret.

Trust me...ending the affair is the first required step in any recovery. Your husband still loves you and will cake eat for quite some time. The sooner it's exposed the sooner it ends. It may not be comfortable for a few weeks but anger subsides. I think you know the exposure drill here.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

He's still coming home. We're still talking about recovery and what would need to take place. He started reading Surviving An Affair.

As for exposure, her husband knows. He's already exposed on his end. I cannot go to her mother. Her mother is very ill. It's up to her H to decide if her mother should know the extent of what D and OW have done. For now, the lies have been uncovered. The bubble has burst. Should there be continued deception, I will find out, and I will take necessary action. I know that it makes him extremely angry to have his dirt out in the open. He uses anger as a manipulation tactic. It won't work anymore. What he's doing is wrong, and I won't let him bully me into keeping it covered up.

He picked up the book again, yesterday afternoon. He grabbed it on the way to the bathroom and continued to read when he came out. Last night, he took his kids and went to his cousins house for a few hours. When he came home, he said he wanted to try and recover. He wanted to try and forge a new, better relatonship. Okay, he said those things, but he's not acting like it. Last night, he held me in bed, but there was hesitation...spaghetti arms is all I can think of to describe it. Today, he's very sullen. He's quiet and withdrawn. He's irritable. I don't know how to read him right now. On one hand, he could be down because of the damage he's caused and the long road ahead. On the other hand, I'm wondering if he's just buying time, to get his affairs in order so that he can leave later on. In which case, he's keeping me at arms length because the feeling isn't there, and he can't fake it. The reason I'm wondering this is because today, he finally took action to fix his car. He wrecked it over a year ago. We have two other cars. One of them is mine, free and clear. The second one, we got together...for me. I let him know he wouldn't be taking either one if he leaves. His transportation would cease to be my concern. This morning he had a guy come and looked at his wrecked car and we'll be taking it to his garage in two weeks. It'll take about 2 weeks to fix. I would hate to think that he's playing me, but I've learned that he's capable of anything.

BTW, reading back through the posts, I need to clarify. D and I are not married. We've been together for almost 5 years. Between the two of us, we have 6 children. He is daddy to my youngest...he knows no different. Of the 6 kids, one of them is the daughter of my best friend. My friend died 2 1/2 years ago. We acted as foster parents until we could complete the guardianship. We are both her guardians. I refer to D as WS. I would eventually like to marry, should we get through this mess. It was never a priority. We felt married. We acted married. Our life together has all the "trappings" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> of a marriage.