My husband and I have been separated for nearly 6 months now. I moved out and have been involved with someone else during this time. I am getting to a place in my life where I need to move forward with a divorce or cut this relationship I am in and try to salvage my marriage. I swing from one decision to the next. One hour I will feel like divorce is the best option and one hour later I will feel like I owe it to myself, my husband and my adult children to try one more time.

Here is some background on our relationship. My husband and I have been married for 29 years. During the first 4 years of our marriage he was a practicing alcoholic and was verbally and physically abusive to me - including while I was pregnant. He sobered up and has not been physically or verbally abusive since then. I made the decision back then to stay in the marriage for a lot of reasons but the main one was because we had small children. In the meantime I went to school, got a good paying job so I could support myself once the kids were grown. Parts of our marriage were good - we had similar parenting styles, we were pretty much on the same page as far as money went, we traveled together once the kids got older, I considered him my best friend. But there was no emotional intimacy in our marriage, things that I thought were important and wanted to see happen weren't important to him -and I am talking about BIG issues. We fought constantly about how we would spend our recreational time (except for the times we would go traveling). My interests weren't his and his weren't mine. We didn't talk unless it was about the news, weather or our kids. I had four affairs during this time. None of them serious ones until the recent relationship I am in. After working with my counselor and looking back on my total disrespect for my husband I see that I harbored a lot of anger about the abuse and I used my affairs to hurt him back. Immature and childish - I know. I also was incredibly lonely. Anyway, before this last affair I asked him 3 times to go see a marriage counselor with me but he had one excuse after another about why he didn't want to go.

So, this brings me to where I am today. I have bouts where I miss him so much its hard not to call him. When we do see each other and talk its comforting. Some days all I want to do is just run home and forget any of this every happened. He tells me we can still salvage this marriage but I am not so sure we can or that its the right answer. A lot of times I think he would just be happier with someone else once he got over the hurt of the divorce.

The person I am involved with gives me every single thing my husband didn't (affection, admiration, conversation, recreational companionship. I can talk to him about anything and we rarely argue - and yet it seems superficial in a way when compared to how I feel about my husband.

I just don't know why I feel the way I do about my husband and wanting to be home if divorce is the right answer. Does anyone have any insight they can share with me?

Veronique,

First, I would post on the General Board as there is much more traffic.

Also, read this page and all the documentation herein. It is good advice. You should then probably make an appointment with the Hartley's.

You have an opportunity to save your marriage, and I suggest you take it. Dump the OM. Cease contact for ever and EVER. You will go through withdrawals and be miserable for 3-4 weeks, but it's the only way you can focus on your marriage. Don't delay. Don't sit on the fence.

If your Husband is still willing to salvage the Marriage, take him at his word and try to salvage it. He may not feel the same way about you in six months. If you delay your marriage may be lost forever -- something you likely will regret.

HL

I don't believe it's ever too late if both are willing to try. Just don't expect everything to be ok tomorrow just because you go and change. It will take time for him to trust you again. That doesn't mean you should be mistreated. That doesn't mean you have to kiss his feet. You do have to take responsibility and give him time to see that you are committed to making your marriage work. He has been hurt just like he hurt you in the past. You also have to forgive him and yourself for the past before you can build a better future.

PS: If you keep OM on the side to fall back on, IT WILL NOT WORK! You think it's tough now? A divorce is brutal!