I have been married to Mike for four years; we dated for a year before marrying. Mike has three children from a previous marriage and I have two, we have custody of all five, well did have custody, three of the children are now grown. When we married we had a 17 year old, two 16 year olds, a 14 year old and a 9 year old. My two children were the oldest of the five and nearly grown when we married.
The kids, all five of them were constantly pitting Mike and me against one another, and we allowed it to the point that we actually separated for a year due to this constant meddling of the kids. If I told any of them NO, they would run behind my back and ask Mike and he would say YES, the kids had this game down to a fine art. After separating Mike and I talked and decided that we loved each other and wanted our marriage to work, however there had to be changes, we both agreed to sit our children down and tell them we would no longer allow them to interfere with our marriage, and here is where the problem still lies two years later.
I sat both of my boys down and told them under no circumstances would I allow them to ruin my marriage, that as long as I was married to Mike they would be respectful to both of us, they did not have to like Mike, however they did have to respect him. My boys understood that they would soon be grown and would no longer be living in my home, and agreed that I was only right to make these demands.
Mike, contrary to his agreement that we needed to set boundaries for the kids, did just the opposite. Mike three children told him they would not live with me, and that they wanted to live with his parents and sister in Maryland, this was after Mike's sister and mother decided that I was not a fit mother, because I had too many rules and was too strict on all the kids, even my own two boys. Mike mother and sister immediately started “putting” their two cents worth in at every chance they could get, and Mike has never tried to stop the actions that his mother, his sister, or his children still continue to do to this date. I no longer have a name; I am referred to as “your wife” by Mike’s entire family, including his children. Mike oldest son, Jamie, is 19 and a sophomore at University of Maryland, I am often referred to as the F*****g B***h that you are married to, and still Mike does nothing to stop this behavior, telling me that Jamie will eventually come around. Jamie often ask for money for things he needs at college, and I am told to send it to him (Mike is active duty military and stationed in Iraq). In July Jamie asked for 200.00 dollars and I sent the money, Mike told Jamie at that time if he did not say thank you to me there would be no more money sent, well the thanks you’s never came and today I received and email from Mike telling me to send Jamie more money, I reminded Mike of the “no more money until I was at least acknowledge pledge”, to which he replied yeah but my mother will be on my back if I don’t send the money. I am not opposed to sending him money that is not my problem at all, I opposed to allowing this behavior to continue. While living in our home Jamie would call his mother and tell her if she would just show some interest in his dad, Mike, that Mike would get rid of me and they could all be a family again.
When Mike and I separated and were living in two different states, Mike called me one day at my new home and asked if his ex-wife could move in with him and the kids so she could try to rebuild her relationship with the kids, and like I stupid person would, I said if it would help the kids, I don’t see why not. Only later did I realize how stupid that would truly be, and told Mike that if he allowed his ex-wife to move in with him and his kids so she could “supposedly rebuild her relationship with her children” I would have no other option but to file for a divorce, what kind of man would ask his current wife (from whom he is separated and trying to resolve the marital issues with) if his former wife could move in with him? Still to this day he thinks I was wrong, and his kids say I am a total ****** because their relationship with their mother would have been better if I had allowed their mom to move in with all of them. Even Mike’s mother belittles me because I should have let the ex-wife move I so Mike’s children would have a better relationship with their mother. Mike’s parents offered the ex-wife to stay at their house so she could try and “fix” things with her children, she wanted no part of that, the ex-wife wanted to live with Mike and the kids, she actually called me and told me she wanted her family back and if I would just divorce Mike they could all be a family again.
Mike allowed the children to go to Maryland to live with his sister, and she constantly sent emails how bad their behavior was, how very unappreciative they were, things I had been saying all along regarding the kids behavior, but when I said these things I was labeled an UNFIT PARENT, even though shortly after we were married I took care of all five kids for over a year, by myself, while Mike was stationed in South Korea with the US Army, and this was with no help from any of Mike’s family or even Mike’s ex-wife. Mike has always had custody of his kids as his ex-wife did not want the responsibility of the kids, she wanted to be single. Mike ex-wife never paid child support, and he never insisted that she pay.
Mike and I had talked and I had told Mike either the kids come home where they belong, or I was leaving, that his allowing the kids to live with his family because they did not like the rules at my house was completely disrespectful and I would not tolerate it any longer. So in May 2006 they were to come home to Washington to live with us, however the kids had other plans, the youngest of the five children, now 13 and 17, contacted their mother in California and told her they wanted to live with her, bear in mind she had not maintained any type of relationship with her children in over four years, no birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts, nothing. The kids went to California to live with their mother, they all three share a one bedroom apartment, the living conditions are absolutely horrible, she has no money to buy grocery, she spends the child support money on “stupid things’, I have had to send money on top of child support money in order for the kids to have the necessary things they needed for school, and again no acknowledgement, no thank you, nothing, and still Mike thinks the behavior his kids dish out is okay. He refuses to say anything because he does not want his mother or his sister on his “back”. He does not want to upset his children, am I crazy or what?
The kids did not like picking up after themselves, they did not like having curfews to abide by, they did not like it when they got caught skipping school and were punished. The rules I had at my house, all five kids were under them, my two boys knew if you broke a rule you paid the price, and there was never any physical punishment. They lost television privileges, no play station games, no computer, no telephone calls, and no extra curricular activities. So it was not as if they were under two sets of rules, I expected the same from all of them, if anything I was harder on my two boys than I ever was on Mike’s kids. My boys were taught to respect other’s property, however Mike’s were not, if they wanted something, they simply took it, regardless if permission was given or not, and this was not acceptable, still is not acceptable. They had to be in on school nights by 9:30 pm and they thought that was a crime, on weekends 11:00 pm and again it was a crime, however if there were not rules set, I could have never managed for a year alone with five kids.
My two boys are now grown and living out on their own, making their own way in this world. Mike has his oldest son in college in Maryland, and he always needs help. He had a full scholarship to UM, living in the dorm for free, now he has decided he wants an apartment off campus and Mike and I have to pay for it, and we are. And again, I have no problem with helping him out, I do have a problem that Mike’s entire family refers to me as unfit, a f*****g b***h, you wife, I am shown no respect whatsoever, but anytime the kids need something, and if I don’t adhere to their request Mike threatens divorce, says I hate his kids, has his parents barking orders. I am at my wits end……..please tell me what I should do...........
