This question is related to my previous post.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3068871

Well, after some time, I have gotten used to 2 little girls. I guess since my children are a little older (now 10 and 16) and sortof forgot about how active younger children can be.

However, there still is a problem that I need advice on. My GF's youngest DD (who is 5) hits GF whenever she is angry. Actually, she hits anyone and anything when she is angry. (She has even hit me though I don't think she will do it again...) I have seen her kick cats, hit their dog, hit her 7 year old sister in the stomach, and she just hammers away on GF. She also hit my 10 year DS.

I spoke to GF about this one night and told her, as delicately as I could, that hitting is not acceptable. She thought it could be that she overcompensates and that is her DD's ways of getting attention. She was welcome to me stepping in to stop the hitting. Now, when she hits, I call her on it immediately. If I am close enough, I physically stop her from hitting. Yesterday she started slapping GF because she did not get a cookie for desert at a family get together. I immediately stopped her.

GF says girls respect me and adore me. And I am very fond of them but I can't take this hitting!!!

My question.. Is this something she will outgrow? She starts school this year and I know the school won't allow it! Or, now that I am re-enforcing that she cannot hit GF, will it just take time to break this habit. Anybody ever dealt with a child that hits???

By the way, I do feel GF needs to be more firm on the hitting also. I think she just has gotten used to it.

Hmmm, this part is not "by the way", this is the very essence of the problem. I keep seeing that your GF does not see certain behaviors of her kids as a problem, while you do. And she is supportive of you doing the disciplining, but I question how workable that is.

If she truly thought those behaviors were a problem, she would have dealt with them. Instead, here comes BHINWI, and he is now grabbing the 5 yo to keep her from hitting. Hmmm. Yes, the GF is supportive, but this seems like trouble on the horizon to me.

I would focus less on "will the 5yo outgrow her behavior?" and more on "why am I doing all the disciplining and will it come back to haunt me?".

FWIW (very little, I know), my kids are total angels <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, but my ex's new H decided that they were not being brought up to his liking by my ex. He seemed to have preconceived notions about finishing your dinner, dessert, etc, even though he does not have kids of his own. Well, my understanding through the grapevine is that my ex tried to accommodate his desires, telling the kids to behave the way her new H wanted them to behave (which is very differently than how I bring them up). Sure enough, after a year or two, she got tired of it and told him to go pound sand, that she is the parent and she will do the parenting. Haven't heard a peep from him since <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. So, my point is, be careful of taking on disciplining someone else's kids, mama bear could come back and hurt you some day - IOW, mama bear better be on the same page as you, and not just nodding her head to accommodate you.

AGG

Um, well GF needs to get some RESPECT. It sounds like the child is out of control.

This is not something you can solve - if GF doesn't have a clue about how to raise a child with loving discipline then I would wonder a little bit. This is a red flag to me - she enforces no boundaries with the kids, she probably has no boundaries herself...

KWIM?

V.

And just because she lacks boundaries does not mean she is a bad or mean person in some way. I only mean that her childhood may have not included boundaries and she never learned how to have good boundaries.

Really, it comes down to the fact that I am the one with the problem here. GF's daughter hits her, GF doesn't do too much about it, I step in cause I can't stand seeing her (or anyone) get hit. So, yes, this is my problem.

Sunny - You know, she is such a good mom. She does so much for her kids. But you are right, where are the boundaries???

For the record, her kids both can be so sweet at times. Polite, full of affection. But when something goes wrong for the 5 year old, look out!!!

This really has me down... I adore GF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

To me, the problem is not so much the hitting as GF's passive reliance on you. This is definitely a red flag that needs to be dealt with before you make a long term commitment. It does sound like she is overcompensating by trying to be the "good guy" and using you to discipline her children. For 10 years I did all the discipline for my DD and 2 SS's and my WH had fun with kids. This helped set up a parent/child relationship and caused problems in our marriage.

I don't think GF is doing this intentionally but she is letting you take care of her problems instead of learning to deal with them herself. GF's daughter will most likely outgrow this stage, but this could signal a dangerous trend in dealing with conflict in your relationship. GF needs to learn to stand as your equal.

You might want to discuss with GF again and approach it from the standpoint that you feel that she needs to do the discipline so that her DD will respect her. Tell her that while you will support her, you belive that she has the ability to do this.

By the way, does her DD do this more often around you and your children? She could be jealous. Sometimes children at this age are confused by their emotions and can act out. Maybe you could find ways to include her to head off rather than just punishing the hitting.

I don't follow - how is daughter hitting her mom your problem? Do you mean that if only you were more "open minded" about daughter hitting mom then everything would be fine? I agree with others - the fact that GF lets daughter hit her, and relies on you to set limits is a red flag that should not be dismissed as "it must be my problem".

AGG

The mother MUST stop the daughter from hitting her. I understand your motivation but the daughter needs to respect the mother because the mother has required that of her.

This child has been set up for some rough times ahead when she hears the word no.

My suggestion to the mother would be this: Take the child somewhere alone. Tell her she will not allow her to hit her any more that she made a mistake by letting it go one as it has. Tell the daughter there will be consequenses if she does hit. Spell them out, be clear, FOLLOW THROUGH. Keep it short & simple.

FBWidow,

I don't want to paint a bad picture of GF. She is a very independant woman, works long hours in a professional medical occupation, and really has a good head on her shoulders. I admire her character. She has trouble making ends meet sometimes (home, little support from X, 2 children, private school for girls) but she insists on paying her share when we go out (sometimes though, I insist I pay for everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) One night she told me she was late on a utility bill and was worried about getting disconnected. I offered to lend her money and she flat out refused. So, I do want to stress, she is a wonderful person.

You know, I think if we were to ever blend our families, how I just could not tolerate lack of boundaries for children. My kids are not perfect but they know how far they can push me and consequences should they go to far.

We have hinted to what the next step may be in our relationship. We both have talked about the difficulties of blending families with children. Perhaps I should suggest as a next step, we take a parenting class together???

Good-Guy,
I guess I mean it is my problem if GF truly doesn't mind having her 5 year old punch her out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Who am I to say that her child cannot do that? However, as I stated to FBWidow, this behavoir would not work if we were to ever marry.

Well, if you are not one to say anything about daughter's behavior, then how does this follow?:


If GF thinks it's OK for her daughter to act this way, then you should not be physically restraining the daughter. If GF does NOT think this is OK, then SHE must take some action.

What bothers me is that you are disciplining someone else's kid - and I suspect it will come back to haunt you.

AGG

Great idea! I didn't mean to imply that GF is a bad parent. I think it's great that she trusts you enough to let you discipline her child. I also think she is being unfair to you and hurting herself by letting you handle it alone.

BHINWI. . .

uhmmm. . . you say alot of nice adult qualities about your GF, but not alot of praise for parenting qualities. . .

you are dating BOTH an independent adult AND a parent. .

you better start looking at BOTH viewpoints, because one is not going away for a very long time.

wiftty

As I read all your posts, I am finding this is something that will be a problem in our relationship.

Things I need to consider.
1. I absolutely cannot stand watching a child hit their mother (or anyone). If we were to marry, it would drive me nuts.
2. At some point, GF is going to resent me getting after DD (even though she has given me the green light to do so).
3. I should not be the enforcing the rules. I can reiterate or stand behind GF but it is not up to me to discipline her kids.
4. Would I be offended if GF started disciplining my kids?

I do think this is something I need to talk to GF about. A test of our relationship.

------------
Wifty,

Good to hear from you. You know you blasted me pretty good last year at this time because I was still in love with my X. At the time, it did not sit well. Now, I say thank you for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree, I am dating a parent also.

Keith

I dealt with 'hitting', and I'm sure most of mothers did.
Children start exploring their world very early, and by age of one-two they start to test our boundaries, limits, how far they can go in their request, all has to be their way, etc.
And that is normal, it is a learning process, it is OK.
What is NOT OK is that the parent doesn't teach them that hitting is - not acceptable.

My son was hitting when he was 1,5-2. And then I started teaching him - what is control, how to regain it, and some 'techniques' how to win over negative impact of being angry.
It takes time, several weeks in my son's case, but he stopped.
Now he's almost five and taught - no hitting anyone and nobody ever dares to hit him and from any reason (me included). Unacceptable either way. Period.
(We have hitting/yelling/any kind of violence/abuse free home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

If you teach little girl not to hit you (and you should not allow her at all), she will not.
And this doesn't stop here - she will keep hitting anyone else who doesn't set that boundary for themselves.
As long as her mother/father teaches her the lesson.
Or life, but that could be quite late...

Btw, I don't like at all that she hits cats and dog... for me it's more then just that age typical hitting... I would be very worried if my son has ever hit animals...
(Watching the child with (especially little) animals can tell you a lot about their mind...)

Your GF should very be careful and take some steps to prevent/stop that.

I also believe that so much anger has to do with feeling of being unwanted and neglected... your GF has to spend more quality time with her, show her her love, attention... And respect!


Definately!
Her daughter can outgrow all of that, BUT if source of her feelings (anger) is not just 'that age'... it might be worse by time... (for you never know where things might lead to, my motto (in everything) is - better to prevent than to heal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)...
So, she should learn how to control these feelings.
(No, it is not early to learn self-control at that age... I see my son and I'm so proud of him how much he learnt, and applies... Knock knock knock on the wood.)

Well... I know what you mean, but this should not be your problem.
You should not discipline her kids but she has to.

I suggest: find some articles about hitting and what further consequences that might have, show your GF that she does no good being so tollerant (i.e. with no boundaries), there are some very good books too...
That's all you should do...


Excellent idea!

So true, good point.

Belonging,

Some excellent advice. Thank you.

You are very welcome!

Good luck!