I have lots of hard evidence of multiple EAs over the past few years. Since d-day, I have worked overtime to make our marriage work. He says things between us are better than ever before, and we are very happy together. He has no CLUE that I know what is going on. I try to turn the conversation sometimes so that he has a golden opportunity to confess, but he just son't do it. Has anyone had success in getting a WH to confess? It's like he is leading a double life or something.

If you need to get someone to confess... it is not really a confession.
Present your knowledge and get on with the process of healing. Don't play a game of cat and mouse.

Why would he change? He's got a wife working hard to satisfy his emotional needs on one hand, and a string of other women to satisfy any other desires.

The only thing that will force him to change is some type of crisis. Such as EXPOSING what you're aware of to the people who matter in his life, and forcing him to deal with actually working on the marriage on his own part.

No pain=no incentive to change things

wow-- Owl's reply hit me on the head like a hammer. Not the answer I was hoping for, but maybe the answer I needed. The truth hurts. I'm sure everyone is tired of reading about my indecision regarding exposure and confrontation about his A. I know in my head that I am enabling him to have it both ways, it is enabling his double life. But in my heart it is just so hard to accept. When we are together it is absolutely great; our relationship appears to be stronger than it's been in years. But HE knows what he is doing, he just doesn't know that I know what he is doing. I am just terrified of confrontation. What about this: I would probably have to write it in a letter because I don't think I could keep my composure if I said the words to him. Plus, it would be in writing, and impossible to refute what I have said. I am thinking about offering him an "amnesty" opportunity. I will tell him that I love him and that our marriage means the world to me. But from cell phone records and other sources things just don't add up. Does he have anything he needs to tell me? If so, this is the time. I have prayed about it, and I stand ready to forgive him completely, but in return, he must be truthful with me. If he gives himself up now, we can move forward. However, if he feels he has nothing to tell me about at this time, and I discover infidelity at a later time, I will have to move forward and his infidelity will be made known to anyone and everyone necessary........ Is this going to put him off? When I read it myself, it comes across as threatening, although that is not my intention. I want it out in the open, to start fresh and have a good and right relationahip with my husband. But I am trying to avoid confrontation at any cost. I have worked overtime the last few months at meeting his emotional needs and being the wife he desires. At first it was work; now it comes natural and it is how I want our marriage to be. I suppose I could liken it to "killing him with kindness" in hopes that he will put the adultery behind him and be a good husband. My next counseling appointment is next week, maybe I will have some direction by then. I know this is a long post, but I have no one to turn to with this.

Is my latest theory about "amnesty" so far-fetched and out there that no one has a comment? Please please help me work through this......

hon, why are you playing these head games with the man? How can you expect him to be honest with you about anything when you won't be honest with him? Honesty cuts both ways!

If you want to have a real, grown up marriage, then act like a grown up and start being honest. Sit down and tell him you know about his double life and ask for an explanation. Stop with the games if you want to have a real marriage.

OWL is completely correct

Pep

This is no excuse for having an affair, but if I were to take a guess, I would guess that his affair might be connected to the complete lack of true intimacy stemming from the lack of honesty in your marriage. Without honesty, there is no true intimacy. It is all a show, a sham. A pretend game. Just something to consider....

you accept this
you just don't like it

right now, you have the marriage you have because you are timid and dishonest about your needs ... put the two together and you have what you have ... a happy adulteror and a betrayed wife willing to remain in this position

a perfect match ... in a sick/twisted way, you meet your husband's needs in a wife to a T ... problem is, you sacrifice yourself in doing so

where did you ever get the idea that this is OK?

Pep

love hurts

no it does not