That is utter nonsense, in my humble opinion... There is nothing to debate or to learn when it comes to love - either it's there or it's not. If you ask someone "do you love me?", the answer "well, define love", tells you all you need to know.

AGG

Yes, AGG, I agree that "we could debate it until the cows come home" is not a comforting response.

I do worry about the girls becoming more attached. Until very recently, I've limited the time M spends with them. Just enough for everyone to get a sense of each other, but not become attached. I was starting to change that in order to spend more time with M and to get a better feel for long term possibliities. But why am I thinking long term?

YUCK.

Hugs GG!

I personally think that 10 months is MORE than enough time to know if you have feelings of love for someone....

Has he ever been in love before?

He says not, dWife.

That says a lot about him, IMO.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

He's in his 40's, and never been in love??

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I wonder what he's afraid of and what he's protecting himself from.....

This is not good GG. I'm really sorry.

Yes, I know. On the other hand, I was taking a wait-n-see approach because people learn a lot along the way.

I'm not sure whether he has never truly loved in the romantic sense. I think he might have but just couldn't say to himself "I love her." Let alone say it to the girl/woman in question.

In general, he's a very caring, gentle, considerate person.

I love you all here. It's like my family coming out to vet my dates all over again. LOL. We're a protective bunch here. Very protevtive of each other. Good family.

Sheesh, is he related to Lexxxy's BF? What's up with all these guys who have "ILY" phobias???


Well, as I sit here contemplating my breakup, I totally agree with you - having this support network here is like family. And it does offer comfort, it really does. And yet it'll still suck starting all over again, picking up all the pieces of another disappointing relationship, and (gasp) weeding through the wackos again. Not looking forward to that at all.

But, we are smart enough not to settle, which will hopefully keep us off the Divorcing board. I'd rather be on this board than that one, any day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Just a note: I worked with a lady last year who has been married to her husband for almost 20 years, and has NEVER said ILY to him. NEVER. She says she doen't know what's wrong with her, but she just can't say it.

Now, the difference is that she says her husband KNOWS that she loves him. You're not sure.

cm

You darn right we are all family! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This "online" family has carried me for going on 2 years. I honestly don't know what I would have done without everyone here. We are here for you now...

Agree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Or just too selfish to love anyone but himself...
If we can say he Loves himself at all.

This might be right too.

He is 40, keep that in mind too.
The age that we can but usually do not want to change so much.

And, in all similar cases I know of, it is 'black or white', he either learns what is love and surprise you how much he can love but never had found out before, or he always stays cold and on an emotional distance...

Danger for you is if you are 'stubborn'... moreover, if you obsess that you have to be the one he finds out 'true love' with...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sweet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Me? Stubborn?

Guilty. But I won't be stubborn on that issue!

I figured my X just hadn't met the right girl (me) and that's why at 44 he'd never been married, never really had his own home, etc.

I do sometimes compare M with B. However, there is a world of difference. M acts in a very caring, unselfish manner. That's why I'm not sure he hasn't been in love before. I get the sense he wants the fairy tale version and is waiting for this big set of fireworks to go off.

I guess sometimes that happens. Usually the fireworks are lust. LOL. But love comes to each relationship differently.

The other thing in his corner is actions. His actions are in line with him loving me.

So, I don't know. I think the plan is to scale back, continue to date and see if the ref throws another yellow card.

I get the sense he wants the fairy tale version and is waiting for this big set of fireworks to go off.
------------------------------------------------------------
OMG GG, this is exatly what ex thinks love should be! It's my belief this is what he was waiting for during our year of "recovery".

For me, this would be a big 'ol giant red flag.

It does sound like M is more open with you than ex ever was with me. This will help. Actions are key but be sure to let him know this can sometimes leave you wondering. Perhaps remind him, in a loving way of course, that often women feel intimacy through converstion & verbal sharing. Maybe ask what you can do to help him feel more comfortable being more verbally open with you.

I dunno, GG, this sounds very scary to me. IOW, he has dated you for almost a year, and the fireworks have still not gone off, right? Doesn't that tell you something?

I made the mistake of dating a woman who said she didn't "feel the fireworks" towards me but that "with time she might". It was my biggest dating mistake ever. I think that if someone does not feel certain feelings after months of dating, you are fighting a losing battle. Especially if the kind of relationship you want is a loving and romantic one, not just a friendly and caring one.

I would be afraid that someone who needs the fireworks to go off would be very susceptible to future temptations, which does not bode well for marriage.

AGG

He's never said he doesn't feel fireworks. I know the physical chemistry is okay. I'm just guessing here. And yes, that's a warning sign.

Hey GG,

How long have you guys been dating? Just wonderin' mainly because I think some people can fall in love a lot faster than others.

Anna

We just finished up 10 months, Anna.

GG,

I think in his email he was sincere. He thinks you are not giving it time for him to get to know his feelings. I would bet that in the 2 months you told him you love him, and maybe before that even, you have been on edge just waiting for him to say those words back and it is probably driving you a little crazy that he hasn't. Am I right?

I think he is really trying to tell you he needs more time but not only that, he needs you to let it go for a while and for you to both enjoy the relationship. I think he feels very pressured right now.

It took me a year before I said I love you to J, of course different from you guys we broke up a couple of times but we were together quite a bit during that year and I just really think people rush into those words too quickly.

My opinion, I think if you backed off the "you gotta love me now" and concentrated on your relationship blooming naturally, concentrate on positive things and let M see all good qualities you have, then he'd fall in love with you, on his time perhaps, but it'll happen, and once he does, I think it'll last forever because he isn't one of these people to say those words carelessly.

Take care,

Anna

Perhaps you're right, Anna. I've only said those words to him twice because it's so uncomfortable when you can't say them back. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable about it.

I think what I'm struggling wiht most is the lack of information. Exactly what path does he see us on? He says he looking strategically into the future but he won't tell me what he sees. I feel like I'm working blind here.

I'm giong to the whole thing, information and all, a rest. I'm going to see if I can enjoy the relationship at a more superficial level. I don't think it will be hard for either of us to pull back a little since Tuesday did a lot of damage on both sides. Unintentional, maybe even unavoidable. But we each lost a fair number of points.

Strangely, I'm not really worried about that right now. That could be because all other areas of my life are in high gear and I haven't a clue how to fit everything in. LOL.