Hey, Anna, I just read your post on AGG's thread, and it seemed opposed to the spirit of what you wrote to me.

QUOTE:
I do agree that you need to really get to know someone to know for sure, but just how many dates do you really need? I think your gut knew long ago G wasn't for you, yet the physical chemistry and the fun you were having, led you to thinking possibly you need to continue and make sure. I am not saying that is wrong as I do think it helps leaving a relationship with "no regrets", but at the same time, just how many dates do you really need to know when it's not the right person?
END QUOTE

Is it just different cases? See I think M may already have a gut feeling I'm not for him, although he cares a lot for me.

Wow. Ok, you've put this out there and the first thing that entered my mind was that you are "safe". He can keep dating you even if you aren't "the one" because you don't have the pressures others in his dating age range have. Your biological clock is not ticking away. You are settled in a home and are not waiting for Prince charming to sweep you off your feet. So it is very easy and comfortable to be with you. You don't demand every second of his time because you have other obligations. So, since he is getting his primary needs met, and is comfortable with you, why wouldn't he want to maintain the relationship?

Perhaps not the perspective you wanted, but this is what jumped into my head. (spoken as someone who's taken themselves out of the dating pool).

hey green --- ((((hugs)))
I'm sorry I haven't been around to talk to you about this....I just started a new job this week!

I empathize with you! L and I have an "issue" about the L word. I know he loves me, but he won't say it. I'm not really a gushy sort of gal, so I don't need to hear it on a daily or even weekly basis -- because he does SO many little things that show me all the time. But -- it does bother me if on impulse I say it and I get some weird stupid response...

What do his actions tell you?

L and I are off for a weekend totally by ourselves. Off in the woods, not even another person within miles! So we should get some talking done.

Keep talking to M. He will find a way to express himself to you, hopefully in a much clearer way!

Hey GG, as hard as it may be do you think you could ask M if he does have that gut feeling?

I kinda go back & forth between give him some time & he's got an idealized idea of love which no one can live up to in the long run.

I guess it depends on which set of facts I'm looking at.

NMNK. Doesn't know what love is at 40. Won't include you in his thoughts about the future. Can't or won't express feelings with you. This set of facts says NOT GOOD.

The other set: His behavior says he cares a great deal. You said kind, considerate? His words make him sound like he's feeling pressure. An indication more time & space might be need.

How have his other significant relationship ended & why?

Excellent & interesting perspective newly!

Gawd! I need to not be sitting in front of my computer!

Newly, you said what I’ve been thinking. Well, sort of thinking in my subconscious. I’m an ideal candidate for the someone who just wants to date. And honestly, that’s what I thought I wanted. I was lying to myself. I’m not sure I’m ready to try marriage again any time soon, but I want someone I love and who loves me back.

I think I could ask him that. “Is your gut telling you I’m not The One?” Not this weekend though. I don’t have the energy for that much drama, and right now, I’m not sure I have the energy to care about his response. LOL.

Nams, M won’t discuss why or how his other relationships ended. It’s part of the information vacuum I’m working around. He doesn’t see why it’s important to me, and he’s been very clear he won’t tell me. The only relationship he’ll say why it ended is the girl he dated senior year in college. He really liked her, and she loved him, but it became too intense and he broke up with her. He admits it was a mistake. I cut him some slack on that since his dad had just died. From what I hear, his dad was a pretty neat man.

Also, I appear to be in M’s plans for the future. Only he won’t tell me what the future looks like. I’m supposed to interpret.

I noticed the same thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Why is it that I am told that I am wasting my time and G's time and it is wrong, while you are being told to just back off and enjoy the good times together?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

AGG

I think we should switch. I'll waste M's time and you just enjoy the ride. That will work much better, don't you think?

You mean we switch partners? That just might work, I have no trouble sharing my feelings and making my partner the center of my life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

See, I just can't imagine dating someone who is so secretive, for lack of a better word.... Paris or no Paris, I need to have a deep understanding of my partner, not just there are fun trips and some sort of a "future" ahead.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

AGG

I meant switch approaches. I don't think I'd like to date G.

My guess on this topic is that we've decided G is rigid and has made no effort to change, while we don't know M's malleability.

GG, I wondered whether you'd still go to Paris with M. Will you? I would always take travel. I don't care with whom I travel. I need to travel.

Oh, quite the contrary... She has made great effort, and that is what makes it that much sadder to see how far apart we still are. She USED to take three hours to get ready, sleep till 12 or 1, and have totally impassable areas. Now, she is down to 90 minutes getting ready, sleeps till 10, and has cleared up much of the clutter. But still, nothing like what I would like to live with.

AGG

I think I'll still go to Paris. Although Paris is not what is keeping me with M. I could do without Paris. Egypt is another matter.

I agree with AGG here - this by itself would be enough for me to end a relationship, no matter how great it was otherwise. I would also ask directly if M is staying because you are safe - even if he doesn't answer, he will know that's the impression he is giving to you.

Too funn!

Okay GG, sorry it took so long to respond, I some how lost track of the thread...

First, I had no idea that your BF had problems with discussing past relationship, not being open etc. I just thought the issue was he couldn't say the "L" word yet.

AGG's post was about life style differences and compatibility. G and AGG knows they love each other, but the issues were about compatibility.

If there are other issues beyond saying the "L" word, especially in 9 months if this person can't tell you about his past. It becomes a whole different story to me, and I would not continue with the relationship either.

Take care,

Anna

GG, the secretiveness/inability to share is HUGE. Could be just my baggage rearing its ugly head but ex had zero ability to be emotionally conected outside of sex. He was incapable mostly due to FOO stuff but his personality & army training didn't help any.

If M recognizes that about himself & wants to have the ability than that's a whole different story. If he's "fine", doesn't have intimacy issues things will only get worse.

One BIG mistake I made was to [censored] u me I could live with ex's lack of intimacy skills. I didn't understand the severity & didn't understand how this problem would affect me. It really was to undoing of us.

Whoa! I would say that does sound like a BIG mistake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Sorry Nams, I couldn't let this typo just go by! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for your thoughts, insights and advice.

I'm keeping it all in mind.

I think M and I made some progress. In part, we misunderstood each other. Apparently, one shouldn't assume that just because the other person does say "ILY" back, it means they don't feel those feelings. LOL. M is not really big into "I" statements.

On the positive end, when M has gotten annoyed or angry, he handles it pretty well. After he's had a few minutes, he can clearly communicate his displeasure without any LBs.

Okay, I can sort of understand why M doesn't want to share a lot about past relationships. It would be helpful, but it's not a dealbreaker. M does share a little more each time I see him. I think that's important.

Nams, I've been thinking about the intimacy issue. I actually think M is good with intimacy. It could just be because he meets my needs very well. Openness and Honesty is probably #6 for me. It's much lower than most other women I know.

Did I mention POJA seems to be a natural process for him? We POJA'd the information gap before I realized what we were doing. He's going to be more forth coming, especially with reassurance about how he feels. But, he's not telling me about X girlfriends. I am going to try to assume positive things rather than negative ones.

STILL, I'm going watch and listen carefully.

Anna that wasn't a typo. When we assume things we make an [censored] out of me & you, therefore, [censored] u me.

GG, I'm glad you're feeling positive. It's great that you were able to talk & come away feeling heard.

Another bump negotiated! Eyes & ears open.

Are you going to Paris?