i would like to tell my story, to all of you but it is a long one. I've never actually told any soul the whole thing but I would be willing if anyone is interested. I am married to this woman still and we are nothing like we were back then. Maybe someone will read this and know what to do, and what NOT to do.

Obviously what I did worked, BUT I also had to learn through trial and error. Ive put bit and pieces in emails to myself but never actually let it out. I never went to counseling and i chalk up my survival to having a programmers mentality.

If thing1 doesnt work do thing2
think2 worked, repeat thing2

I also selling my dad short, if interested in my story drop me a line in this thread

tell it already - we can always use good news...

I have to post in batches. People please keep in mind that I was 20 years old. I'm going to post my dirty laundry so please please don't criticize.
back then
I sometimes put my computer ahead of my family. I was'nt there for my son hardly. I'd goto work from 10-5 and school from 5:30-9:30 and goto bed at 10. I can't say i was a good husband in the affection department. I was a horrible father. I would usher my son away because i was busy playing some stupid game or taking practice tests. My wife was also addicted to the computer. She would do the same thing. Imagine for a second... a child ...who sees his parents in front of computers, only paying attention to him when he screamed for something to drink or a diaper change. What a $%$%# ****** i was. What was i thinking ....i was shutting out my son, W did the same. I feel so bad about it now.

My wife had recently gotten a job at this slumshop that did telemarketing. Not to bash telemarketers in general but this place was... well not a nice place.

she started working and even got her mom a job there. Then she started training for some new project and met a guy she and the OM started talking, exchanging letters and became close friends. What went on and what they talked about i have no idea. I noticed that she was giving him rides home alot. I even met him once when she had driven to my work to say hi. OM was just in the back seat sitting passivly when i looked at him. Seemed harmless enough. Well on Friday [insert date] i went off to pick up money from a job I did and W was complaining about having to cook.

i returned home to find a note saying she went out to dinner and would be back. when i got back we saw the note missing so she had been home since we had left. At about 3am leslie called saying she had a accident and that she did'nt want me to be mad. I told her i was'nt and to get home ASAP. When she got home, I saw the damage ...i was pissed when she told me it happened downtown, I mean we didnt have any insurance on the car and she got it into a accident. The damage was minimal but it was the 3am concept. I knew something was not right... go out for a movie, then go downtown ...it didnt click ...W's best friend) backed up her story, but i knew W could have drilled a story into her. I grilled W on her story and it didnt stick. She got defensive and refused to talk anymore. I went out with a friend because i needed to talk to someone. When i got home W told me that she promised OM a ride home and left.

At midnight i started to worry ... W was gone 3 hours.. at 3am i was in a panic i never felt before I called W's female friend, ill call her Chastity (i have to joke here of else i can't finish) and Chastity said she left @ 3am I thought to myself ... why is she out so late.... she said "stop by" not be there all night. W arrived home at 5:30am. She had been gone 8.5 hours .... i was in a crazed state .. i accused her of having a affair, screamed at her, demanded the truth. But the truth was ...nothing could satisfy me

"Your only missing all night if your %$#%ing somebody." Then she told me She picked OM up and he did'nt want to go home so they went to Chastity's house AND they picked up Chastity's lover "William" Who she was having a affair (she is married). W claimed William and Chastity "got their Freak on" in the back room while her and OM watched "TV". Then i told her Chastity said "she and carlos left at 3am." (that was stupid i just dealt her a clue of how much i knew. She then said "Yeah i dropped OM off and i drove around for awhile."

I'll continue tommorow.

Feeling better and wanted to get this off my chest.

Finally i said " No more Chastity, she is a bad influence on you. No more, If she was a good friend and a good mother she wouldnt be using you to bring her lover over to her so she can %$%# her brains out and cheat on her husband. W was pissed off about that statement. I don't remember how i went to work the next day. I felt hollow inside knowing, that the one person in this world you thought would never lie to you, lied to you.

That night ... we went out to dinner at the new quarry place with the fancy movie theatre converted from a old cement factory. We dined at some italian restaurant. Dinner was ok until i asked her "Whats on your mind" And she replied "I don't see what i can't see my friends" I was shocked that she was bringing this up. I replied " She is a not a nice person for doing that to her husband, its wrong" Well to make this chapter short we left without eating a bite

When we got home he was calling for her. I was pissed i thought "Does'nt this guy go away, its our anniversary for crying out loud. She chatted with him for a few minutes and then hung up. Tuesday Night we got home and he was calling AGAIN. He was leaving a msg on the answering machine when we walked in She picked up the phone and they started talking again, i smelled something brewing. I walked over to the machine and told it to play ALL msgs. There were two more from him already played and just not showing up on the new msg flag. One was from a guy named "T" and the second from a guy named "money". I thought to myself "something is wrong" I got pissed off and started screaming at her "What the $^%$^ are these guys doing calling here" She and I started arguing and then i said "im putting a stop to this, after being through the weird stuff with W. i wanted it to stop, so i said im going to call every last one of these .. <sarcasm> gentlemen and tell them to go to ..away.. </sarcasm> thats not what i said ..uh exactly
She said started to dial OM's number from memory until i hung the phone up. She took off in the car and i called both numbers ... the first one i got ahold of was the guy OM's GF. We compared notes and also i found out that OM is "T" and "money". He likes to leave messages using aliases. I know all this because I talked to OM GF for 2 hours and i got a friend to give me a ride and WE DROVE TO HIS GIRLFRIENDS house. She gave me several notes from W and OM's interactions at work. I played the first message for her ... she said ..yep thats her M ...then i played the 2nd msg ...she said ...thats her M too. She let me keep the notes and i left her the phone machine. I even called OM at his moms and told him to tell my W that "if she doesnt call or come home, im taking my Son and leaving. We drove off and i was in tears. What now i thought. ...what comes next.. Suddenly it came to me... i went home and packed some stuff ...i took my son and we went to a motel.
Well that didnt work, because I went home thinking I could talk some sense into her.

LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD FOG IS REAL. Bill Cosby was rigt "Brain Damaged!!!"

let me cut this short so people dont get bored.
I got " I love you but im not in love with you"
and "I need space"
and " if you loved me you would trust me"
and my favorite " Your totally overreating"

now i HAVE to goto sleep.

Now I would like to add that everytime we talked/argued about the affair, I would be firm and then get all weepy. It took me about about 2-3 months to kick that. W seemed to enjoy watching me cry and dismissed me as a crybaby. She didn't seem to care too much that I was hurting.

Now before I post the next chapter I would like to say that one of the reasons this A got where it did is because i tried to say "I'm secure in my manhood, my wife can go out and I don't worry because I can trust MY wife, she can go out with 20 guys to hangout at the local coffee shop and I still trust her"

You know this sounds like the dumbest thing I have ever had come out of my mouth. Now I say: My wife can go out, with me, but a married woman has no business being out until 3 in the morning with friends. There has to be limits to what is allowed.

Also some personality changes took effect within a couple days. W got long fingernails on and got her hair "done" and started listening to hip/hop and talking with a accent like those from a rap video.... man thats funning now that I think about it.

In case your wondering the OM is a pale lanky white guy who pretends to be a rapper thug. The W was actually emulating him like she caught something.

Chapter 2: My cantelope ate my wife and popped out a pod person.

So anyways after the wife had completely transformed into this other person and I was left scratching my head. A few nights later Leslie gets a call from OM. He says "he is in trouble and needs a ride, and that if she give him a lift he'll forgive me for telling his GF. I refused to let leslie go alone and when we got there he has blood on his shirt and a bloody knife. He claimed he just slit someones throat and the cops were going to be there soon. We dropped him off a few miles away and W and OM had a few words out of earshot because i was still in the car. After we drove away my W said "hes a nice person, do let this think bad of him". I sat there for a second wondering what has she brought into our lives. The next day my dad called and i told him everything. I was scared because of what the OM claimed he did the night before. My dad said i needed to get out of there and I agreed when he asked if I KNEW that OM wouldnt come back with a knife pointed at me. I told my boss at work that I am leaving, packed up as much clothes as I could and picked on son from babysitter and got on I-10 heading to AZ. Now I had only driven in parking lots and had a drivers license but I never actually drove on the highway. My friend followed me in his car as far as el paso before he had to turn around.

when i got to AZ i found out the next day the entire city flooded and that everything i didnt take with me was gone. NOTHING was left. There was mud and raw sewage everywhere i was told.

I came back after two weeks to the promise that the OM was leaving for boot camp. I returned (WHAT A SAP) and found W living in a apartment over by his mother's house. Strange because she her job is over by our house. She acted nice and then hit me up for the car. I said NO,

(now people this is the first good thing i did so far, until then i waffled and caved everytime. she was NOT going to get the car. She decided to move away from her job and she can find a way to use the bus to get there.)

I talked with several friends who are attorneys and they suggested two things
1. Log every expense I incur with my son
2. ONLY exchange my son at a neutral public place
3. Log every phone call
4. deposit every piece of evidence in a safe deposit box

more to follow...

actually thats four things, but who is counting?

If i could change what I did, it would have been to stand my ground and not left town. I took my son across state lines which to this day, I am not sure if that constitued kidnapping. OH, and FYI, no ones throat got cut, it was a ruse, and that was some cow blood squeezed out of a package of meat in his fridge. He did it on the slim chance that W didnt come alone. It was all to get her out of the house.

When your wife doesnt think cutting someones throat makes them a killer THERE IS A PROBLEM. I start to get with the program soon enough.. but later

so anyways I edited the post because being too graphic is a bad thing. So anyways several weeks went by.
W would call and we'd talk for a few minutes and she would ask how I was doing, tell me how GREAT things were for her and then I'd start getting all emotional and start acting needy. Sometimes I could hear OM in the background making comments for me to hear. "Thanks for the p$$$$" or "give her back the car." Once when i went to pickup my S he told W that I had to come to the door because he wanted to set me straight on how things were going to be. I left without getting my S and the next day informed her, that our new meeting place was the food court at a nearby mall. This enraged the OM even more that he was being denied access to me. WHAT IS GOING ON?? Why is he fixating on me? Im not having a affair with him!??!!?

I have doubts to this day as to WHY. Anyways OM still didn't get the hint, W brought OM with her. As he approached me i had my friend get in his face while i sidestepped him and walked over to my son.

Now this is the part who I had had enough. I told her that if OM does this again, we can exchange our S at the police substation.

Talked with a lawyer and got the paperwork started for D the next day. I got a call from W and she asked to meet to talk about our M at a coffee shop. I went there and it was then that she told me she wants a divorce. I really didnt care anymore. I told her fine and told i wished her the best of luck. that wasn't what she wanted to hear. I dropped her off near the slum she lived in and drove home. I felt guilty because I had been expecting to hear her say it for so long that when it came it was anti-climatic. As XMAS rolled around it was awkward being around her at MIL's house. I noticed she was wearing a ring and tried not to let it bother me. She kept wanting to chat like everything was peachy. I was polite and responded but I didn't let her get to me. I moved out of the house into a apartment with some red cross money and started getting busy with shopping for kid clothes (kids grow fast.. man!)

I forgot to mention in the previous post that after xmas, the W decided that my S should goto a daycare near HER. I decided to do NC, with W. when she pulled my S out of daycare and demanded I pay for him to goto a daycare next to her apt complex. I had just finished scrounging money for the deposit and registration and I didn't have any to spare. Until i agreed to pay she wouldnt meet me for the exchange. #$$#%#$%#$ I changed my phone# and all was quiet for a week. I would sit alone at night wondering why I didnt get new pictures of my S after the flood.

I refused to answer the phone from calls i didnt recognize and also the ones i knew she had called from in the past. I kept a record of the phone# each time she called. I ended up with just about every relative of OM's phone numbers.

Finally my sister calls me and tells me W is begging to get ahold of me. She can't take care of S anymore. (later i learned that OM wanted to have sex with W and never intended to have the rest of the family with him (ADHD comes in handy)
I goto my sisters house and call from there, she was crying profusely and telling me she is about to get kicked out of the apartment. I asked her when she gets paid, she replied that she lost her job but was too prideful to tell me.

She also told me something else that I definitely didn't want to hear... can anyone else guess what that was.?

She's pregnant?

yep, and also she wants me to take S. I was very calm and asked her what she was going to do. OM said she should get a abortion and was furious that she didnt do it already. I explained to her that even though it isnt mine, I think that getting a abortion is a bad idea. I told her I would meet her at the mall the next day to pick up S.

When we met at the mall I was a little shocked. W was ragged and tired looking. I was about to yell at her because she had bruises all over her forearms. I thought it was abuse but she told me how she had been donating plasma for money.(shes a bruiser with the slightest injury)
I was so pissed off that any fear of OM was gone. I rented a uhaul and with two friends went over to W's apartment.
I have to post the conditions because it was apalling.

The apartment was trashed. It looked like a crack house. OM had pages of porn magazines on the shelves. All the furniture she had salvaged from the house was packed up into the truck. Dirty clothes were piled in the closet of the bedroom. We had to sort through them so we didnt take OM's nasty underwear.

Halfway through OM shows up at home and starts yelling at me to get out. I firmly tell him that I'm helping her pack and that if he would like he can leave. OM starts yelling real loud about 20 dollars that W owes OM's mom. I pull a 20 out and hand it to him. OM then starts wanting to talk to W in the bedroom. I don't let that happen. W keeps packing and I keep looking her in the eye letting her know to move fast because somewhere in the house is a handgun supposedly. OM then leaves saying he is bringing his friends back. We ditch the last of the furnity deemed to be crap and abandom the apartment. Just as we are leaving OM shows back up and won't get out of the way of the car. W gets out and they talk on the sidewalk of the convenience store. After about 5 minutes i honk and tell W its time to go and start pulling forward. W leaves OM standing here with a stare directed at me. After a few minutes i asked her what he said. "He wants to keep the baby and stay togethor." I said "do you want me to pull around?" She said no. I dropped her off at her moms new apt and unpacked what she needed to clothing. The furniture i took to my apartment and unloaded.

Holy crap! This is like a super-charged lifetime movie! You're an upstanding guy... I admire you.

I wish we were online at the same time. I'd like to give you my email, but don't want to post it here.

Do you have one you feel comfortable posting?

Let me be clear here, until i found MB I had no idea that WS get a extremely addictive high from being around OM/OW.
Finding this place explains alot about WHY she acted the way she did. I am lucky because there was no withdrawal. OM was so unpleasant a person that any high W might have gotten off him turned to dread.

I refused to let her move in with me. Her mom's apartment was 2-3 miles down the road. I agreed to pay her mom to let my W stay with her and in exchange W watched the S during the day.

Let me tell ya walt, I had been dreaming of the day when she would come crawling back but when it happened, it didn't feel like i thought it would. Seeing someone spiritually broken, who without a doubt hit rock bottom, didn't give me the superior feeling I thought it would.

If there was any withdrawl it was related to me. she wanted nothing more than to move back in. I spent the next few weeks slowly asking her the gory details. I couldn't help it and it hurt alot. I found out the why/when/hows or everyhing. I couldnt let her move back in because I was not sure if I was even in love anymore. OM was a marriage killer, he bragged to W about his other MW and would taunt her about how he killed our M. OM repeatedly told her that H (I) would never take her back. As we got the mail transferred over we discovered the financial damage from the A. It was extensive.

OM had racked up a 550.00 phone bill talking to his friends all over the country. The electric was behind 350.00 and the non payment of rent ended up on her report too.

I was no saint, some days I treated W awful and she took it. Other days I was the sweetest person. Little things would set me off like mentioning a movie she had seen while we were apart. I asked her how long this went on yesterday. She said she had to endure these mood swings for about 11-14 months.

W is asking why am I bringing this up after 8 years. I explained to her I'm on MB (originally for ideas for our 10TH ANNIVERSARY. ) and told her that I that I'm slacking again in terms of investing in our M.

She probably thinks im on crack

****edit***

This story took awhile to post sheesh!
still not over, I promised a happy ending didn't I? I will keep my promise later today.

Well RMX! Sounds like your OM and my OW might be brother and sister....(she is affectionately known here as VD b/c those are her irl initials and fit OH SO WELL)

If'n yore in TX, because I think you posted that once, they could well be.

DOGS AND CATS MAN! POST THE REST....DON'T KEEP ME HANGIN!

I'm in San Antonio, with a population of over 1.5 million i still feel safe in my identity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK so where did i leave off? oh yeah. I forgot some things, I had to go buy W some new clothes because what we managed to get before OM came back wouldnt serve as maternity. I still didn't let her have the car because if your desperate enough to plan a fake murder, you never know how far the person will go. I had to deal with S having emotional problems, our little war had taken a toll on him as well. The reason W was watching him is because S kept getting kicked out of daycares, home daycares and dayschools. I eventually trused W to goto the doctors appointments without me. She finally asked what do i have to do to gain your trust. Being cynical I asked HER to set the rules and see how much she'd give up voluntarily without me looking like the bad guy. (Now thats the way to do it! if they are strict enough she can't blame me, she made them up!)

1. Use the car only for hospital, picking me up to/from work.
2. Call me and tell me where she is going if its not those two.
3. Call me and tell me where she is at if she leave home
4. Immediately call me if OM calls/emails or shows up at MIL's door (showing up is 1/1000000 chance but she said it
5. No going out
6. No contacting any mutual friends of OM and her
7. do not change her license information with DMV (OM has "friends" who have access he claims

All those rules she made up, I was satisfied with them so I said ok. She worked very hard at gaining my trust. Little by little those feelings started to return and I would inch out of my shell. The hardest part was the weird stuff that went through my head. The thoughts of them having sex made me think something was wrong. In the end i think i was trying to take the place of OM, so it would lessen the pain.

Finally the day came where I was ready to let her move in pending a STD test. Now I know they test for that at the hospital but I didn't understand what GBS was. Now I know its natural. Over the years the pain comes and goes, sometimes I get angry but I eventually "forgave her". That was the hardest and I mean by forgave is I set her down looked deep into her eyes and start listing off every detail i could think of

I forgive you for betraying our marriage
I forgive you abandoning us
I forgive you for what you did to yourself
I forgive you for lieing to me
I forgive you for the pain and suffering I went through
I forgive you for telling me you don't love me anymore
etc etc

Each statement made her eyes well up a little more
after about the 12th statement I switched and started asking forgiveness

I hope you can forgive me for not being a more attentive husband.
I hope you can forgive me for not being a involved father
I hope you can forgive me the harsh words
I hope you can forgive me not helping with the house

Each of those statements made the tears flowing faster and the most emotional part is when she took my hand in hers looked at me with green eyes full of tears and said " Am i worth it", I answered yes and we had a hug that lasted several minutes.

From that point on things got better. It was a do-over. Yes there were relapses and YES, i took some cheap shots but I paid for them believe me. We have two DD and two DS. Oldest S is much better. OM tracks us down every couple of years to ask "how is my daughter" W. promptly tells him to stop calling and that he doesn't have a daughter. If she had listened to him DD would be in a bio-waste container in some landfill. We are celebrating our tenth anniversary on 10/12/06 and I have taken the initiative to plan it because I'm so glag we got this far.

Our song after getting back togethor is by Shania Twain and we still look at each other when we hear her sing "still the one".

now im misty eyed
TTYL

I knew where you were when you mentioned what cinema you went to...

I'm in SAT, also. I guess the walking diseases COULD be siblings, huh?

scumbag lives right off fredericksburg rd. bt Crossroads
The slum where it all happened was De-chantel apartments.

Hows that for a small world!

what is the link to your URL?

Now that I've made it to the end of my experience, I'd like to see how you are doing in life.

It's my defunct ticker. I'm changing WOE (way of eating)/exercising and it was tracking weight loss. I've been very lazy about updating it, tho....

Tonight the Wookie has said he'd workout with me. I'm thinking a Denise Austin DVD.

Yeah. I'm evil.

Yeah. He's going to tell me it's too gay.

(giggle)

But watch...he'll workout with me....why? Cos I told him he wouldn't do it.

(yep...evil)

You can do a search on my name on this site and see all my ups and downs and posts. My initial name was niosgirl...way back when I didn't know if we were gonna make it. Changed it to Dealan-de before d-day #2....

But today we are GREAT. I've always loved the Wookie more than I love just about anything on this planet so we always had that in our favor. Plus I'm as stubborn as they come...there was that, too. I KNEW he was better than what he was lowering himself to.

We are awaiting the 25th of this month. That's our court date. We're suing the OW for primary custody of the children. If you read my posts you'll see that she is a real piece of...um....er...work, yeah, work...that's the word!

To this day she is still using the children to try to gain access to the Wookie. He sees it for what it is now, tho, and loathes her for it.

That's about it for me. It's been a very exhausting 3.5 years. I didn't know if I'd keep breathing through it. I did...but I didn't always want to. I know you know what I mean.

- Kimmy