I'm not sure why my posts to my main thread aren't taking ....

I have confirmed that my H has renewed his affair with the same OW.

Tonight I went and re-exposed to his family. I also mailed letters to his entire chain of command at work, re-exposing. I have a list of several more people I will talk to in person tomorrow.

And tonight, when he gets home from work, I'm giving him the following Plan B letter.

I'm feeling surprisingly centered and ok ... no turmoil, I don't feel reactionary .... I feel strong and capable and sure that this is the right thing.


Dear H,

When we got married, I never for a second thought that we might fall apart. I’m so sad and disappointed that we’re where we are now.

I realize that I had a part in letting our relationship get to such a low point that adultery became an option for you, and I’m very sorry for that. I can’t go back and change the past, but I am learning a lot from my mistakes. I’ve been working very hard at getting back to being a person who I like being, who I can be proud of, just as I’ve always been proud of you, my husband.

I’m no longer willing to settle for anything less than a happy, strong, loving, faithful marriage. And I will not tolerate your continued adultery. I love you and I will not share you. So you’re right, it’s time for you to leave.

H, I do not want this separation. And I cannot ‘just be friends’ with you. I want to be your wife, the only woman in your life. I want to hold you, talk with you, grow old with you, laugh and love and have fun and live with you, and share the joy of raising our family together. Anything else just isn’t acceptable to me. So as long as you continue to commit adultery, then I will not have any more contact with you. Not as punishment or manipulation, but as the only way I know of to protect the last bit of hope and love that I have left for you, and to spare myself from more of the pain that has highlighted the last few months.

It is time for you to move out. I will be gone from the house during the day tomorrow, and you can collect your things then. I will stay in our home. DS and DD can continue to live there with me and come stay with you on your days off of work. I’ve attached a proposal for time with the kids and temporary financial arrangements. I do not want to negotiate these things with you in person. BIL has agreed to be an intermediary and can help us negotiate changes and communicate about the kids when it’s necessary. Except for emergencies, please respect my wish for no contact. Any communication between us needs to be routed through BIL.

I know that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. If you decide that you want to make that commitment and have a future with me, then I would absolutely be willing to consider a plan for reconciliation, which would need to include:
• absolutely no further contact, whatsoever, with your adultery partner
• weekly individual and marital counseling
• weekly communication exercises
• weekly church or small group attendance together
• and a post-nup that gives me parenting time with the kids in the event of any future separation, and that provides solid financial compensation in the case of any future infidelity.

Until you choose to commit to such a recovery plan, please respect my wish to have no contact with you.

We had some great times together, H. You are the only man I have ever truly loved, and I’m choosing now to only remember the good times we had and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.

I love you.

See how it can be when your mind and heart are in sync? Your letter is straight forward. Maybe a bit too much of the love stuff. Remember you are giving this to a WS. You don't really love the WS, but you do love your H. Right?

When I gave my H my plan B letter, it was after I was ok with myself and when I did, it was relief. The chaos it created resided with the WS and OW. The OW thought I was up to something....stupid OW.....I am always up to something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The WS felt the pang of losing me pretty quick. At the time it didn't feel so quick but it was. Then he just became obnoxious. Claiming I was seeing someone behind his back. I had to babble to him and told him that even his son was looking for a replacement father (which my son had volunteered to do because he said that he deserved a real dad). Hm...... what a blow to that man's ego. LOL!!! That's ok. I wanted the WS t/b crushed. Crushed out of existance. Now before you all get all rile up and call me violent or jump to other wrong conclusions, remember the WS' are NOT of this world. Their thinking is skewed and very inhumane. So even as a BS, I did NOT want the WS in my life. I wanted, we wanted H and dad back to take care of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyways, plan B afforded us the opportunity to give some distance from the WS. It brought more relief than I imagined. It turned the tables and now he was asking for our time and attention. It felt good. Down times still existed but not as strong or as long.

Hope it does the same for you.

take care,
L.

Goodluck AmI. Make sure you stay strong from the get go. He needs to have the impact of plan B in full and from the get go.

My FWH used the kids to try to get to me so be careful, they become even more manipulative when their cake has been taken away.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Hi, AmI, I was so worried about you last night after reading your post. I went to bed shortly after 11pm.

(((((AmI)))))

You really do sound centered and I'm glad to hear that. Please, just as InADaze said, please keep your strenght up. We are all here for you whenever you need us! You have always been there for me even when you were having rough times. I will be honored to do the same for you!

May I ask how you verified the renewed C? If you don't mind me asking. Also, how are you going to approach the kids regarding the issue? Now, that you have too!

I found some evidence of his time worked. He has been leaving several hours early some nights, and coming home several hours late.

I also talked to several people who have seen the happy couple around town ... have seen him with her, coming and going from her house, taking her to lunch ... etc. Pretty brazen stuff, really. I cant' believe I bought it for this long and it took this long to find out about it.

Anyway, I've updated on my main thread, which seems to be letting me post now ... we had an interesting IM exchange just a few minutes ago. I am very worried that he will try to take the kids away from me. He is furious right now and will be much, much more so when the letters hit his office.

Link to my main thread ...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=0&fpart=32

-AmI.

What are you gonna do when he says, "No."???

Even IF he does leave, what are you gonna do if he doesn't agree with your "proposal for time with the kids and temporary financial arrangements"??

Maybe you have good reasons to think he'll do what you want. But WSs are known to be unpredictable.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks, WAT.

That's exactly what I'm worried about right now ... I have no legal standing with the kids. He reminded me this morning whose kids they are.

I also have no legal standing for kicking him out. And he HAS said "NO".

So right now I'm relying on pressure from his family and his workplace to help with both of those things. Any better suggestions? I'd really appreciate any help I can get!

-AmI.

I always suggest that legal steps be taken before Plan B - get a legal separation or whatever instrument is available in your area. This is a good way to introduce consequences to the WS. This is not always doable.

And this presumes the WS is already gone.

I don't mean to throw a bucket of cold water on your plans, but if he's already said "no", he's not likely to change his mind with this letter.

I suggest you ask him to leave without the Plan B letter - or wait and see what comes of the re-exposure then ask him to leave.

In the meantime can you get legal counsel to see what your options are?

JMHO

WAT

Have you spoken to a lawyer about LS? If he bullies you or threatens you in any way, be ready to slap him with an RO immediately. That will get him out of the house. And make sure that he doesn't try to get one on you. Since he's a cop, he might be thinking that way.

I would have his folks speak to him about the kids. They might ask him how he plans on explaiing to the children how his affair with the department mattress is going to cost them the only mother they've ever known. He's really angry now, but he doesn't have a whole lot of options, since he plans on waiting it out until next month anyway. Can't he move in with his OW?

Besides legal advice, asking for the family's help and trying to get some assistance from this workplace, there's not much you can do besides standing up to him like you're doing. I wouldn't engage with any fighting with him. I'd just say to him, "Do the right thing," and I'd walk away.

You've got the foundation to get through this. Just don't react to him. He's the one in the wrong. Hold your head high.

Hard to believe he'd throw his kids, his wife, his family and most of all, his job, away for the chick whose done everyone. I can't imagine that it's going to go over well when his bosses find out he's been screwing around during work hours. But... not your problem. You've bent over backwards to try to help him and he slapped you in the face. So, he has no one to blame but himself and it's time he faced the consequences for being such a [censored].

Thanks, WAT.

I delivered the letter this morning, around 3-ish, when he came home from work. That's when he refused to move out. The plan with th ekids had been loosely agreed to previously, the first time we thought we were headed for a D. He has also said in the past that he'd never take them away from me -- but obviously you can't trust a WS.

I did talk to a lawyer, and have no standing with the kids. That's the part that scares me the most.

Other things are ok -- I cut off his access to the bank acocunts, and the lawyer says that other than that, an LSA won't really do any good. I can't legally kick him out of the house until a D is final. I am very ready for Plan B, but not at all ready to file for D yet ....

Willing to file an LSA, though, if it will help? The lawyer didn't seem to think that it would.


I really appreciate any advice ... maybe I acted too quickly and should have waited until he moved out? I don't think he would have, though. He's just been sponging and cake-eating, and it would have gone on indefinitely had I not gotten confirmation of what was going on.

?????
Did I screw up the timing? Is it redeemable?

Thanks.
-AmI.

Thanks, Grownup.

I can have LSA papers ready to go in a day -- do you think that's the best move right now? He hasn't bullied or threatened, and I don't think that he will. He'd be way too worried about his job for that.

He won't listen to his Mom and his Dad is very non-confrontational, so he won't say anything, either. His brother, our intermediary, is planning on talking to him and saying the same things that you suggested, but he isn't sure that H will listen.

He says he doesn't want to move in with OW because "when he goes, he's taking the kids with him." She has a daughter of her own, and no room for the kids. I think he should have thought of that before he forced the issue like this.


Wow, just now I was very surprised to find myself feeling defensive, protective of him ... not wanting him to have to hit the bottom like he is. Is that weird? I know better than to get in the way and spare him any consequences, though.

I like the "Do the right thing." comment. I will definitely be practicing that on him.

Thanks! I can use all the input and advice I can get right now!

-AmI.

I'm sure others will weigh in who understand this more... but I don't think you screwed up at all. You gave him every chance, you've done everything in your power to reconcile when you had done nothing wrong. He was a total jerk to you in every way.

When he went back to the affair, you had to act decisively to show you mean business and I think you did everything as best as you could. You can't control what he does, but you can refuse to allow him to treat you so completely disrespectfully. At this point, I don't see that you can compromise anymore. And remember, he's been a jerk since he started seeing her again and he's going to be mean as a snake since he got caught. Let him sweat. I know that other people have struggled trying to get their WS's out of the house and I have no idea how you boot him out. The situation with the kids complicates everything. Do the kids know what's going on? Just who does he think will take care of them while he's working and seeing his girlfriend?

Concentrate on doing the best you can for yourself and your kids. I wouln't be able to keep my mouth shut when he says their HIS kids. I'd tell him that you can't believe how low he's sunk and that he knows that you and the kids love each other and that you treated HIS children like they were your own and this is his way of showing his appreciation to you and his love for them. Tell him to do the right thing by the kids to stop blaming you for his affair. The kids shouldn't suffer and you are taking the high road, since niether one of their biological parents are seeming to care about what's best for them.

Things are at their most volatile right now. Hold on and wait it out and see what happens in the end. Stay as detached and objective as you can, so that if he starts feeling sorry for himself and hitting bottom, you won't be swayed by it.

Do you feel that everything you need to have in order is in order?

AmI, you, I feel have been thinking and planning for this very event for some time. Do you think you could have done a better job in another situation or time?

Please don't start doubting yourself now! That's negative self-thought as far as I'm concerned. WH needs a swift kick in the @ss! Just like Grownup said WH is being a jack!ss!

Does it really surprise you that he's trying to use the kids? That he's angry or anything else. Don't take anything he says right now personal...it's not your H! They'll say and do anything out of deperation! Wh has been caught and I'm sure he thought you would find out. (Yeah, I know that's a DJ, but WS's think that way.)

1. Do a full background check on the OW.

2. Prepare the children and everyone else for the move.

3. Let your support group know he has threatened, yes threatened to remove the children from their safe home environment.

4. Let Child Protective Services know the children's father is having an affair, their biological mother is not available and while you are not the biological mother, you are the one that raised them since ____ (age) and wonder how can the children be protected from harm inflicted on by the A. If you have any info to share on the OW's background check, let them know. Make sure you have let CPS know if you have put the children in counseling.

L.