I don't really know where to begin. (Please help me by asking questions.) Sorry it got so long...
We have been married for 3 1/2 years. Looking back, we have been having problems for about 1 1/2 years of that. Things really started to get bad around November 05 and spiraled downward from there.
BACKGROUND:
We knew each other for about a year as friends, though I knew from the first time that I talked to her that she was someone special. I got deployed to Detroit for Homeland Security in September 02. We started formally dating a few days before I left. I was able to come home or fly her up to see me once or twice a month during my deployment. In December of 02 we got engaged after formally dating for about 3 months. In March of 03 we invaded Iraq and I suggested that we get married in case I got sent to Iraq. We were both in love, and her parents also supported the marriage (her father being retired military), all was good.
I came home in August of 03 and had trouble finding a good job. I worked some part time stuff until November when I got a job offer in a town about 3 hours away. I took the job in a National Guard IT Department filling in for deployed soldiers and ended up staying in the job for 1 1/2 years. During this time I came home on the weekends. I also kept looking for jobs in town the whole time. I FINALLY found a job in town in April of 05 and came home for good. We bought a house at the end of July of 05.
I am in the information technology field, my wife is a zookeeper.
THE ISSUES:
I definitley think that all this time apart has contributed to our problems.
The earliest actual event that we can both agree upon was when I got a computer game in June 05 that I got really absorbed in for a couple of months while it was still "shiny and new". During this time I made it a point to tell my wife that if I was spending too much time with the game that she should tell me and I would put it away. She of course didn't want to hurt my feelings and let me play, all the while feeling ignored, etc. In order to correct this she started spending more time out with her friends.
At first I was supportive of her spending time with her friends. I think we began to grow apart a bit and I started to become jealous of the time she was spending away. At first I said nothing, but eventually started to complain a bit. Then at the end of October 05 she started trapping with a couple of her friends. (please don't judge, she has always been an outdoorsy type) This activity took up a lot of time. The traps have to be checked by law every 24 hours, so she would go directly from work to run the traplines, then process anything they caught. She would come home around 10 or 11pm. This happened about 5 nights out of the week for about 5 months (the length of the trapping season). I became more jealous of this time she spent away and the jealousy also began to focus on one of her best friends.
Her best friend, whom she has know since before we knew each other does happen to be male. She has always had more male friends than female friends, even according to her parents.
This brings us to around April of 06. There were times when I suspected an affair, but I truly believe in the end that there was no affair. Not sexual anyway. My wife did confess to sharing her feelings about our marriage with her best friend, and I had been sharing my feelings with a friend online. We started counseling and we both agreed to not share our feelings with those friends. My wife also cut off most of her contact with her friend. We continued to figh, however, and things progressed to threatening each other with divorce.
Fighting continued, threats continued up until about three weeks ago when she finally moved out. We have had one big fight over the phone since then, and we have also gone out a number of times together. Those times we avoided talking about issues, etc and had a pretty good time.
I feel that there isn't much of a chance for us to save this marriage though. The counselor feels that my wife "checked out" emotionally some time ago, perhaps before counseling began. My wife agrees with that. I spoke with my mother in law tonight and she feels like the best thing may be for us to go our separate ways. Her parents love me to death and are almost as hurt over this as my wife and I are. I feel that my wife is just in this for my benefit now, going to counseling and not filing for divorce to spare my feelings.
I know that my wife and I still love each other. I am willing to work on this, but my wife has had her fill and doesn't seem to want to work on this anymore.
Im so lost and alone here. Please offer a ray of hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Krylos
