I am moving this post here. I posted in the Infidelity forum by accident... I saw "General Forum" and didn't read the main heading there.

I don't really know where to begin. (Please help me by asking questions.) Sorry it got so long...

We have been married for 3 1/2 years. Looking back, we have been having problems for about 1 1/2 years of that. Things really started to get bad around November 05 and spiraled downward from there.

BACKGROUND:
We knew each other for about a year as friends, though I knew from the first time that I talked to her that she was someone special. I got deployed to Detroit for Homeland Security in September 02. We started formally dating a few days before I left. I was able to come home or fly her up to see me once or twice a month during my deployment. In December of 02 we got engaged after formally dating for about 3 months. In March of 03 we invaded Iraq and I suggested that we get married in case I got sent to Iraq. We were both in love, and her parents also supported the marriage (her father being retired military), all was good.

I came home in August of 03 and had trouble finding a good job. I worked some part time stuff until November when I got a job offer in a town about 3 hours away. I took the job in a National Guard IT Department filling in for deployed soldiers and ended up staying in the job for 1 1/2 years. During this time I came home on the weekends. I also kept looking for jobs in town the whole time. I FINALLY found a job in town in April of 05 and came home for good. We bought a house at the end of July of 05.

I am in the information technology field, my wife is a zookeeper.

THE ISSUES:
I definitley think that all this time apart has contributed to our problems.

The earliest actual event that we can both agree upon was when I got a computer game in June 05 that I got really absorbed in for a couple of months while it was still "shiny and new". During this time I made it a point to tell my wife that if I was spending too much time with the game that she should tell me and I would put it away. She of course didn't want to hurt my feelings and let me play, all the while feeling ignored, etc. In order to correct this she started spending more time out with her friends.

At first I was supportive of her spending time with her friends. I think we began to grow apart a bit and I started to become jealous of the time she was spending away. At first I said nothing, but eventually started to complain a bit. Then at the end of October 05 she started trapping with a couple of her friends. (please don't judge, she has always been an outdoorsy type) This activity took up a lot of time. The traps have to be checked by law every 24 hours, so she would go directly from work to run the traplines, then process anything they caught. She would come home around 10 or 11pm. This happened about 5 nights out of the week for about 5 months (the length of the trapping season). I became more jealous of this time she spent away and the jealousy also began to focus on one of her best friends.

Her best friend, whom she has know since before we knew each other does happen to be male. She has always had more male friends than female friends, even according to her parents.

This brings us to around April of 06. There were times when I suspected an affair, but I truly believe in the end that there was no affair. Not sexual anyway. My wife did confess to sharing her feelings about our marriage with her best friend, and I had been sharing my feelings with a friend online. We started counseling and we both agreed to not share our feelings with those friends. My wife also cut off most of her contact with her friend. We continued to figh, however, and things progressed to threatening each other with divorce.

Fighting continued, threats continued up until about three weeks ago when she finally moved out. We have had one big fight over the phone since then, and we have also gone out a number of times together. Those times we avoided talking about issues, etc and had a pretty good time.

I feel that there isn't much of a chance for us to save this marriage though. The counselor feels that my wife "checked out" emotionally some time ago, perhaps before counseling began. My wife agrees with that. I spoke with my mother in law tonight and she feels like the best thing may be for us to go our separate ways. Her parents love me to death and are almost as hurt over this as my wife and I are. I feel that my wife is just in this for my benefit now, going to counseling and not filing for divorce to spare my feelings.

I know that my wife and I still love each other. I am willing to work on this, but my wife has had her fill and doesn't seem to want to work on this anymore.

I will also add that I have Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. I am about halfway through His Needs, Her Needs. I don't knowif I can get the wife to read it or not. I plan on looking for Fall In Love Stay In Love in the next few days.

Im so lost and alone here. Please offer a ray of hope

Krylos

Not only did the time apart contribute to your problems but the lack of normal, early relationship "courting" never happened.
And then when you were finally together, you argued. When was there time for fun?

Is there a way, without pressuring her to reconcilate or coming across as demanding and needy, that you could spend more time doing some fun things together? How about a trip? Keep it light and fun with no relationship talk.

We have tried that a couple of times, and if we do not discuss the issues of the relationship we seem to do fine. There is always some tension there though as we both know there are things hanging out there waiting to be discussed at some point. She mentions the tension often and cites it as an excuse that things aren't working. Sunday night we went to a comedy club and watched a hypnotist with another couple. We had a really good time. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. She dropped me off at our house afterwards and I invited her in for a bit, tempting her with a backrub, which always works as she does a lot of manual labor and often has sore shoulders. When she was leaving we had an awkward moment at the door, a small peck of a kiss and she said "The longer I do this the harder it gets." That could mean good things, but probably signals bad things...

As I wrote, we have been seeing a marriage counselor. The last time we were there was right after the separation fight in which we had told each other it was over. We were both in tears at the counselor's office. The counselor does not seem to push us one way or the other, just accepted that we had decided on divorce and affirmed that we were greiving and this was normal. The counslor has also stated that we have a good amount of incompatibility built up, even though we enjoy many of the same things... training the puppy, hunting, fishing, biking, walking, going to movies, etc.

I mention the counselor because I have another appointment next week. I have told my wife that she is welcome to attend with me and that I would like her to be there if she felt comfortable. She has initially said that she would go if I wanted her to. We also have set Sunday night to get together and sort through a giant stack of paperwork/old bills/etc that piled up over the past year. I get the feeling that she will be telling me its over for good when she comes over due to the conversation I had with her mother last night. Her parents have been supportive and told me when I needed someone to talk to I could call them anytime. So, would it be better to ask her not to attend the counseling session to avoid any type of relationship pressure at this point?

I am all for trying to get together and do things on a casual basis. She has a very busy lifestyle with work and different groups of friends, work related association activities that she heads up, etc. As in the past, I often feel like a low priority. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, you should try the book The Power of a Praying Husband. I have heard it is really good. My prayers go out to you. My marriage is on the rocks as well. Just remember that you cannot change your wife, or the past, and you cannot make anyone be what they are suppose to be. God has something special in store for your life. Whether it be with her or not. Just hold your head high, and give her space. Don't beg. Good Luck!

It is so hard not to call her. Even at our worst I always felt better when she was near, even when angry at each other. I feel like I have lost my best friend as well as my lover. I moved to where we live due to her job. This was not a problem for me as her job is quite specialized, and mine being in Information Technology can be found about anywhere in a large city, which we live in. I don't really have any friends in the area due to my move to here. I have no family near here either, they are several hours drive. Her parents live 35 minutes away, but if she decides divorce is the option, that source of support will be gone. I have my counselor, but I am starting to question whether she is the right counselor for us. I set some goals for the counseling a couple of sessions back, but we never really got any assignments out of it. I am wondering if the counselor is merely supporting the individual instead of trying to save the marriage.

My wife and I will not see each other until Sunday night, at which time we are supposed to organize a stack of old bills and papers. I am thinking about tell ing her that stuff can wait and asking if she would rather go do something more enjoyable... avoid relationship stuff as much as possible. What do you think of this plan?

Also, I have a counseling appointment set up for the following Tuesday. Like I stated above, I informed my wife that I had the appointment and that she was welcome to attend. She said she would go if I wanted her to and I responded that I liked having her there. Is this a good idea? Should she attend the session, or should I just tell her Sunday night that she doesn't need to come?

I guess my problem is that I really don't know where she stands and what she is feeling. She has pretty much shut me out of that side of things. She has said all along that she will not file for divorce. I don't know if she is just going to the counseling because she is trying to make it easier for me, or because something inside her says there is a tiny bit of hope for us... Its so difficult not to talk relationship stuff with her because I really want to know for sure where we both stand.

Krylos, I wish I could tell you the magic answer. Her coming over Sunday night might not be a bad idea. I am sure you don't want to hear her opinion on your relatioship, but it is not something you cannot avoid forever. I would have to ask her how she feels. I know it must be so hard on you, since you have no family around, and I know what it feels like to loose what you thought what your best friend and soul mate. Just hold your head up, be strong, don't beg, and remember that God has a plan for your life. Something special. I know, he does for me too. Whether it be with your wife or not, he has a plan. He puts us through these trials for a reason. My email address is christylee2@alltel.net if I can be a friend. True friends now are hard to find. My heart goes out to you, just be strong!