Well, it happened yesterday. I called the OWH and talked for a while. He didn't know our spouses were still in touch via email and phone at least once a week. We live 500 miles away so seeing each other is not as easy as it once was.

It wasn't a pretty picture, but it got the job done, for now. My WS, in the meantime, had contacted OW to have NC. So my phone call to OWH happened within the same weekend that my WS ended it with OW.

So what I am concerned with now is withdrawal. My husband is out of town on business, sheesh! talk about timing. And I can tell that he is beginning the serious first stages of withdrawal. It makes me really nervous being so far away and there is nothing I can do for him while he's in this depression.

Fortunately, the OWH and I have agreed to contact each other if and when our spouses are out of town. I'm so afraid that my WS will contact OW before he gets home in a few days. What do I do?

I love him so much and don't want to see him go through this withdrawal, but I know it is impossible to get past this stage without going through it. I just wish I were with him right now.

We have plans of taking some time together for a long weekend when he returns, go to a spa or something like that. But until he is home with me I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

Any suggestions for the next few days? And then beyond? I've read most of Dr. Harley's books and understand what to expect in this stage of recovery. I would like to hear from those of you who are past this stage. How did it go for you? What works and what doesn't? I just want to fix it for him and me. I wish it were two years down the road right now.

part of the "ticket" of infidelity & adultery is pain ... and lots of it

some of the pain (in my opinion) NEEDS to come through the door marked "shameful feelings"

in other words

he needs to feel ashamed of what he's done before he will be ready to recover his relationship with you

yes ... withdrawl from OW will happen, but that's just minor compared to what he needs to suffer in the sense of "What a schmuck I've been!"

Yes, he's acted the schmuck and unless he gets to that point where he no longer feels entitled to act out on his feelings against his integrity and his values ... you will struggle to recover the marriage with him

recovery requires the infidel to have a humble heart/spirit

this rightful shame is something you ought to welcome, not as punishment or as revenge or as a leg up on him, but welcome as a step in the right direction .... a step that is brief, but ought not be skkipped over in a rush to "normalize" adultery recovery


there are other MB oldies who will disagree with me ... but mostly it is a disagreement with the word shame ... I say, in this context, shame works to the benifit of the guilty !!!

nevertheless ... be very WARY of recovery efforts with an arrogant FWS who has not yet eaten from the fruit of shame ... fruit of the adultery tree he/she planted ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> on the other hand

be very very welcoming to the FWS who has expressed his/her utter shame at their past schmuchery

the FWS who you can count on to be non-repeaters are those who are shocked by their own past ...

Good luck!

Recovery is HARD ... really REALLY HARD
much harder than discovery and exposure!

Pep

this is the part of your post that made me go ~~~> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

LHF,

GREAT WORK!...For me, when my BH called the OMW, I knew that the fantasy was over!..even though there had been NC for months, I still was able to "protect" my thoughts about the OM. Once SHE knew everything took on a whole different perspective. t

Unfortunately in my case, the OMW does not believe what my H has told her, she chooses to believe her H. As they say, "You can lead the horse to water, but can't make them drink". At least she has my husband's phone #, should she chose to question what her H is telling her.

As for your H...withdrawl is part of the process, not pretty, but necessary. be there for him, support him, sometimes it is in what we DON'T say, that we hear the most!

May you both find love, support, and comfort in each others arms to get through the turbulent seas...the waves come & go, however, each day that I wake up with my H beside me I am thankful.

(By the way..you have this going in two threads???)

Yes, I do have it on two threads. Wasn't sure which one would get the most response. Thanks again for your thoughts.