Hi. I'm new here. I was told of this website years before I thought I'd ever need it. I've read one of the books connected to this a year before I needed it. Now it all sinks in.

I found out Sunday @ midnight that the love of my life has cheated. He's been through this before. He was one that was cheated on. He used this site to try to repair a marriage that still crumbled.. but yet he did it himself as well.

I don't have alot of time before I have to leave for work, but I have a feeling I'll be here frequently. We are not yet married. We have been best friends for half our lives and romantically involved for the last 4 years. Long ago I made the realization that if anything were to happen in our relationship I fully intend to keep the mindset as we are already married. We've lived together, worked for the good of the household together. He's helping me raise my children as if they are his own. No "legally binding vows" need be said to prove our relationship status. So that is why I look here for help.

He got romantically involved with a co-worker. As always, it starts as a friendship. Luckily I suspected something a week before it happened. I mentioned my bad feeling, was dismissed, and a week later it came to light. I caught it before it lead to sex. That doesn't make it any easier to swallow though. I want with all of my being to make this work. I want to build a rock solid foundation so that when we actually get married, we have a huge base to support a wonderful, lasting, and loving marriage on.

Thanks for listening.
...Eeyore

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope he has changed jobs, and no longer works with her. Is she married? If so, you need to let her husband know what is happening.

Start in Plan A, and keep reading and posting here.

Thanks for the welcome Believer!

I apologise for being so vaugue and hasty in my first post. I had a million things going on at once and I just wanted to pop in and read/share while getting ready for work.

Anyways... more details.

As I said earlier, this woman works with him occasionally in the store he recently got a forced transfer to. It's not a set schedule for everyone, so it's random chances. I found out at midnight sunday evening/monday morning that he had a new "friend" on myspace and I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do... snoop. I logged into his account and found no emails from her, but he didn't remember to delete his "sent" messages. In which I found 3 from her in a weeks time. 1 of him saying he's sorry she feels so badly and he wishes he can hold her and make her feel better; 1 of him telling her he loved and missed her; and the last reminding her to email/call/text him for "directions" I swear the world stopped spinning when I read them. I was so sorry I did. I couldn't breath, speak, or think. This was all after a week of random lies and cover ups that I was getting wise to, asking the whole time I had doubts and getting no answers.

I found these messages when he was supposed to be at work. Well come to find out that he lied to me and wasn't scheduled that day.

He walked in the house not even 5 minutes after I found the messages. I tried to play it cool and wait it out to see if he felt badly enough for what he was doing to confess but I couldn't hide it. I was shaking uncontrolably, my face was pale and I had a hard time speaking. I guess shock will do that to you.

I demanded answers. I told him I knew something was up, what I found, and how I wanted an explanation. He tried to act stupid twice, and cover it up once before he admitted he was having "feelings" for her, but nothing had happened. Then the unthinkable.. instead of him showing remorse, or some sort of sadness.. it TOTALLY turned awry. It was turned into anger towards me. He was totally irrational. I suppose that it was split 75/25%. He was angry that I snooped but I beleive most of his anger stemmed from getting caught. We spent the next 2-3 hours talking things out, me crying hysterically, and figuring out where to go from here. I stand firm on trying to re-build. We have a very long emotional investment in eachother and I refuse to throw it away from 1 bad choice.

We both came from failed marriages. His wife and my husband both were cheaters. Mine was emotionally and physically abusive and we kindled our love as we were there for eachother.

I decided to "clear the air" and I sent him an email the next day telling him I'm granting him total amnesty until midnight that night to explain what is going on with her, what he wants to do from here, what all happened, and if it has any intention of continueing. I went to work heavy hearted and tried to forget. I came home to an explanation of them kissing, him lying about work and going to her family party, and that she is in love with him.

We both know these things happen because something is lacking in our lives together.. but neither one of us is aware on what prompted him to look elseware for his need(s). He knows he got friendship type companionship from her and that between our working, my children, and home/finace issues we don't take time for eachother. But he feels there is something more that he cannot pinpoint. How can I know what needs to fullfill of his if HE doesn't even know?

He's agreed to accept any mistrusting reprocussions because of this. I'm welcome to show up at work, call, ask questions, dig in emails, myspace, and his phone logs if I ever have doubts. He told her no more. She called him again last night and he told her to leave him alone, not to call anymore, no more emails etc unless it's STRICTLY work related. I've talked to his boss about the situation as well. Neither one of the "parties involved" have the ability to transfer or quit. She has a child and is a single mother, and he was out of work for a year before he lucked out on this job. I am barely making enough money to fill our gas tank, let alone float the finances until something else was avail for him to work at.

I spoke to the woman 2 times that first night, and I sent her an email today. All three being respectful to her feelings, but FIRMLY telling her to leave my fiance alone. Using kind words and the fact that she is a role model to her own daughter as my "weapons". I had him read it before I sent it. I do not blame her or him soley for this. I know it takes 2. She told me that he slept with her, he told me he didn't, even after the "amnesty" chance. I do beleive him. He told me he hates himself as it is for lying and he wants it all out in the open before we can mend our broken pieces... so we both can re-start clean and new.

I've read "Building an affair proof marriage" after he recomended it to me. He used it to try and fix his past marriage. We discussed it in depth after I read it as well.

Where do we go from here? So far, we've decided to open a private blog for eachother to talk about our problems since we work oposite shifts, and don't want to alert my children at anything being wrong. We take turns writing our thoughts, feelings, pains, fears etc. For both of us, writing can open many doors that we never find verbally. We have great comunication.. well up until this.. but as they say.. the pen is a mighty weapon. We are both very much in love with eachother.. and I'm trying to view this as a bump in the road to our happiness. We've already dealt with so many heartaches together... what is one more to heal together?

Any comments, concerns, and advice greatly welcome.

Eeyore

You might want to jump over to general questions II, as there is more traffic there.

Also I wonder if he will post. Probably not. If he did the MB program, he knows that he can't work with her anymore, and he knows he needs to write a no contact letter.

You gave her the "no contact" message but your fiance needs to do this in writing as well. She needs to read it from him and he needs a hard copy of his letter and you need one too.