To preface, I am 21 years old. I recently moved in with my partner of several years, to Los Angeles where we both have transferred to different schools. She has always been my dearest, closest friend, and our relationship has been amazing.
Several months ago, she started working graveyard shift at a new job. I barely got to see her, but when we did, we made the best out of the time and were happy. However, a little over a month ago, she started spending a great deal of time with a coworker.
The night before she was supposed to go out of town with her family for a week, I had made dinner reservations for us and we had planned to spend the night together. However, I couldn't get ahold of her, I called her cell phone for hours and she didnt pick up. Finally I called her parent's house and her mother told me she was "out with some people at work." She didnt get back in till very, very late, and told me she had been out with this coworker.
Since that night, she has lost complete interest in me. She'd be spending all her free time with this man, standing me up when we made plans without any warning, or having to leave my house suddenly after recieving a call, which she would always take in another room with the door shut. I tried to discount this, as our relationship was so stable and the man was 40 years old and had children older than us.
She completely lost interest in having sex with me, and the two times that we did make love, she insisted it be with the lights out, she wouldn't let me kiss her or perform oral sex on her, and she burst into tears after about a minute, both times, and insisted we stop. She had several relatives die the month before, and claimed she was just stressed from that, but also told me that "everything will be okay once we move."
She keeps going out with this guy, a few nights before we move she breaks plans with me to go over to his house (without telling me till the next day), stays the nigth there and brings home a half-drunk $70 bottle of tequila he bought her. 2 days before we're supposed to move (mind you, we've already signed a year long lease on our apartment and paid the deposit and everything), she tells me she doesnt know if she can move in with me because she has feelings for this man.
She claims she hasn't acted on anything, and we have a long discussion and I basically tell her, I dont care if she finds herself attracted to other people, everyone feels things like that once in a while, all that mattered to me was that she be able to make the decision to not act on them and be with only me. She agrees to this, we talk things out, everything seems fine, and we move down to LA. Anyway, we're down here, and he calls her at least 3 or 4 times a day. She always takes the calls in the other room, and if I move into the other room for something, she moves BACK to the other one. If he calls when we're in the car, she acts awkwardly and says things like "You can't say stuff like that when you know I can't say anything back." She guards her cell phone jealously, she's constantly sending text messages.
I've asked her several times if she's cheated on me, and she gets very angry and says she would never do that, that she hasn't acted on anything and that this guy is just a very good friend and she feels attracted to him because they relate so well. However, she still shows little interest in me, she never kisses me anymore, rarely shows any sort of sexual interest in me. Last night, I asked her if she wasnt attracted to me anymore, and she said that she couldn't think of anybody else other than this other guy, and she couldn't help the way she felt. I'm almost certain she's had sex with him, but she denies it still and is extremely offended that I even would think such a thing.
What can I do? I just want my life back, we're in a one-year lease that I can't really break, though I've considered just packing up my stuff and leaving. I love her very much, and she says she loves me too. What can I do? I feel so trapped, she gets angry when I say I want to discuss things and work them out, I've told her I don't care if she's had sex with him, that I can get over it, I just want our relationship back and I want to make things work. The stress of this is killing me, I feel constantly more inclined just to drink myself stupid. How can I fix things?

She is cheating on you.

Anything that a person does that they won't do if their spouse was looking over their shoulder is considered cheating.

If you're not M'd, and there are no children, if I was you, I'd seriously consider if I want to "recover" the relationship. The trust that you had in her is damaged, and if her current behaviour continues, it's likely never to return.

If you do want to recover your relationship, then read through the articles on this website, particularly the ones that deal with Emotional Needs, Lovebusters and "Plan A".

You may also want to read up on investigation and exposure. For example, is the OM M'd? If so, maybe his W needs to know about what's going on - she might help to end the A.

The other guy just went through a nasty divorce as she met him. I'm not sure if she had a part in it, when she first met the guy, she told me she gave him our band's CD (something I've put a LOT of time and energy into that I also don't want to give up) and his wife was listening to it all the time and really liked us. She showed me a letter he had written her a few months back saying how much he admired her devotion to me and how much he liked our band. I dont know. We're not married, yet, and no we don't have any kids, but I've been saving money to buy her a ring and I was about to do it when all this started happening.

I think I want to salvage things because this woman really is the best friend I've ever had, and her companionship means so much to me, even if she's been treating me godawful bad lately. Plus, we just got done moving in, finally got our apartment all finished and cleaned and cozy... and it's a year lease, I dont know what'll happen if I break it. Last night I was really depressed and I had a bit to drink and I convinced myself I was gonna pack all my ****** up and just leave and go live with one of my friends or my brother or something down here.

I just want to know, like, how can I approach her and speak to her to resolve this? I dont want to attack her, I've been very angry about this and I know that won't solve anything. At the same time I don't want to be spineless about it and let her keep doing this. I've told her it hurts me so bad that she keeps taking calls from this guy at all hours. But I mean...the guy's 40, he's working at a minimum wage retail job, he's got a big long arrest record, ******, he's been arrested like, twice, since she's known him, he's giving her expensive bottles of booze and motorcycle rides...

I just don't freaking understand it. The man's twice her age, he has a daughter that's older than her by 3 years.

I dont know, I've been cheated on plenty of times before, almost every relationship I've been in has ended because the other person was having sex with someone else on the side. This just hurts so bad cuz it's my best friend and I dont know why she's doing this, especially with a 40 year old high school drop out.

No offense to any 40 year old high school drop outs.

BassGuy, about 18 years ago, I was involved with a woman for several years. We were best of friends, and we soon became more than that. She left to study overseas for three years, and within two months of her arrival in that foreign country, she was cheating on me with another student. When she came back that Christmas, she told me about what had happened, told me that she was very sorry, that it would never happen again, that she loved me, etc. etc.

At that time, there was nothing tying us together apart from "love" - no children, no M, no mortgage, no shared property. However, instead of walking away, I accepted her heartfelt apology and took the decision to continue my relationship with her.

We eventually got married, then 12 years later she cheated on me again, this time under much, much worse circumstances. Her A was with a co-worker, it lasted 2 years, they used our home for their activities and eventually she chose to leave her job after the A had ended (basically because she was too embarrased to continue working there). And this time there were 12 years of M, two children, a mortgage and shared property to consider. Walking away from her this time was not going to be easy.

Just something for you to consider if you do decide to try recovering your relationship. It's going to require a little more than "love". Your GF needs to look at herself and answer the tough questions about why she chose deceit and dishonesty, why she chose to have an A, and what she is going to do to ensure to you that it never happens again. If she's not prepared to do this and give up the A, then my suggestion would be to walk away.

Welcome to MB,

Is this OM married? If so, snoop on them. See the spying 101 thread you can link to off of Longhorn's signature. Likely a voice activated digital recorder in her car or in the room she takes the phone calls in will give you the facts you need to bust her and him in a physical affair. If he is married, his wife needs to know immediately once you have proof.

Other than that...you are 21. A good dating rule is "I don't share, if you don't want to be with me and only me, and if I'm not number 1 then that is not a problem however, I value myself more than that and need to move on. I will not be or remain in a loveless relationship. The cage door is open. I will not hold you in this relationship against your will nor will I share you.

Again, if he is married, exposing him to his wife will likely end the relationship in it's tracks and then you two can figure out what you're both gonna do.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Just so you know....as a "marriage" building website you are unlikely to get that many responses. However, I urge you to stick around, read the main website and all that Dr. Harley has to offer regarding relationships and marriage so YOU can achieve everything you want out of your relationships in the future whether with your current GF or another. Believe me, I wish I had access and knowledge of this wegsite and applied it long ago. I wish you well

I think you would have to be in major denial not to believe she is cheating on you. Look at everything you have written.
I think you need to be checked for STD's. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes. Do you honestly think she would be accepting such humiliation and disrespect from you if the roles were reversed? Clearly she has very little respect toward you based on her actions. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

BassGuy,

I think you are missing some very important things here. A good friend would NOT disrespect you by standing you up for dates. A good friend would NOT lie to you. A friend wouldn't even do these things because if they did you would end the friendship.

Son, you are a young man...very young. You are not married, you don't have children with her and she is NOT your friend anymore. It is sad to say but that is the truth. Whatever attracts her to this 40 year old drop out, is NOT an attribute on her part.

Leave the relationship, I can tell you from experience...a lot of experience your best years are ahead of you, and there are many women out there who are honorable and will mean what they say. Your "best" friend is NOT one of them. Move out, or have her move out, or ask the owner/manager if you can sublease the apartment.

As long as she is seeing him at work or wherever, your "friendship" will be the last thing on her mind. My father used to tell me You don't have to make her an enemy, you just have to let this friend go. Do that rather than hang on and build such resentment that she becomes your enemy.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL