I feel cheated (hence the screen name) as I am sure my husband does, which would probably be his reason to look at porn.

My husband and I have been married a little over 2 years. We have a 9 month old little boy. We just recently moved and there's been a lot of stress.

I told my husband when I was pregnant that we could have sex as often as he/I wanted. I wanted it all the time. As it came closer to the birth of my child I wanted it more and him less. I felt rejected. Anyways, I told him, it'll be 6 weeks before we can (per the doctors) and then after that I'll be on birth control and continue anti depressents for Post Partum Depression. Both contribute to a lack of sex drive.

Since my son was born we have had sex maybe 2 handfulls of times? I talk to him about it. I let him know that it's not him and that we can do other things and that I just don't want sex. I don't feel attractive, and I just have a lot going on.

Well he's been awfully "gropey" lately and all over me. I asked him to stop, not because I don't love him, but because I just don't want to be touched.

Well I knew something was up yesterday, he was just acting strange. I had gotten him a laptop for father's day. Well when we were logging into our emails our passwords weren't remembered. I asked what happened and he said he deleted the internet files.

Well this isn't the first time he's tried to cover his butt. He did this when we first got married, even though he got it all the time!

I curled up and cried. He came in and he played dumb. He knew I had found it. Of course, I'm not dumb! He may have thought he deleted his tracks but he didn't.

I'm sooo upset over this. I have told him that if he wants to look at porn that we'll look at something "worth it" together. I actually enjoy it, but to look at it online, alone, for no purpose? He says he just looks! It was 9am! And my son was sleeping.

What hurts the most is that he says he feels rejected, though I try and reassure him that it's just my hormones, which it is.

I need some input. Am I getting worked up over nothing? What's to say that he won't lie about cheating? I thought we wouldn't have this issue again but we do.

Please help.

Thanks.

I am use to be like your husband and I looked at a lot of porn when I felt that my wife rejected me or it was to hard to work through the emotional problems to get to intimacy with her, this led to other problems, then to my affair with a prostitue and then now her affair with her true love from years before.

Porn like alcohol is a slippery slope to addiction and character change.

You need to work on communication not come out and blast him why what where how long. You need to find out what are his trigger's and slowly work on the why

I too felt rejected but can't explain what rejection that my wife did caused it.

I think EN questionaire would be a good start.
Also if sex is not there yet for you, let him watch you take showers or other things that he can see you and think of you with out necessarily touching you, but that takes a degree of communications so neither of you get hurt emotionally

hi, I have been through the same thing with my husband, however I found a porno magazine in his truck, hid under the seat. Of course he says it wasn't his, but I was devastated. We had a big argument and he left and went to a strip club. We have 2 kids ages 9 and 11. I feel like if I was all that, he wouldn't have to look at porn. My husband has a sexual addiction. He has cheated on me 2 times and I have had 6 women tell me he came onto them. Just be careful and don't nag him to much, some men just like porn. But if it starts affecting your relationship and he starts hiding and lying then, that is a different story. Just remember that you cannot change a man, no matter how hard you try. You just enjoy yourself, take care of yourself and the baby, and pray like you have never prayed before. I bought the book, the Power of a Praying Wife,and it helped me so much! Good Luck to you!

This is absolutely a problem that needs addressing RIGHT NOW! Do not go a day longer without getting professional help (MC, OB GYN, or someone) with this from both your and your husband's perspective. Do It NOW!

I am sorry to hear of your pain. You have a right to feel the way you do.

You are not getting worked up over nothing. The use of porn in your case is an indicator of another issue - in this case possibly the lack of physical intimacy.

You have a chance that most of us do not get - the ability to work on your marriage before an affair! CONGRATULATIONS!! I am serious!

The use of porn is no good. In my case, each time I would "just look at porn", I should have been sitting at my wife's side, talking. Getting to know her better. Explaining that this new being is in my way. And in yours. Do not be afraid to admit that! You are not giving each other the attention needed. And if the child sleeps in the bed - that prolongs the issue. In many cases, young boys are exposed to porn in our dad's mags, and it creates a lust for more. It creates a lifetime of difficulty.

Get some counseling. Preferably with Steve Harley. Do it together. Read "His Needs, Her Needs". Several times. do all the exercises. Please keep us updated.

Send your husband to www.recoverynation.com, and ask him to spend his time on the computer there.

Internet porn use is like a dragon with cat's claws. Once the opportunity is given for one claw to get in, it is very, very difficult to get out. His computer use will need to be monitored by you. He should only use it when you can see what he is doing. I am typing on a computer that is in our main room next to the kitchen. I once had a notebook at home. I now leave it at work. The temptation is too great. Over half of the men who WORK IN A CHURCH have admitted in surveys to surfing porn AT WORK. It IS the virus we are all worried about.

If more people came here after finding out about porn, it might stop a few affairs.

Thanks for coming here. Now call Steve Harley.

Blessings !

far

Here's my advice ...
based on nearly fifteen years of marriage...and three kids...

you MUST fix YOUR lack of sexual intimacy and desire for your husband IF you want your marriage to survive..

you loved him enough to marry him
you loved him enough to have a baby with him...

YOUR rejection of him is akin to cutting him off at the knees...

YOU took a vow to cherish this man..
every day you need to ACT on that vow of cherishing...

You need to change your whole thought process on this..

heck the MORE stress life brings on is exactly when you two need to turn to one another.....

cause it's gonna have stress...and baby puke...and laundry piled up....and bills to pay and on and on and on ...

none of that excuses anyone from wedding vows....

you don't HAVE to let him know anything...

you show him you love him
you show him you desire him
you make time...
you make coffee so you're not too tired...
you plan dates at home that after the nine month old is asleep it's mommy and daddy time...

society has done a great dis-service to men....
that once children come they take second, third, and fourth place to the children.....

you need to email or call your husband throughout the days..tell him how much you love him..how you can't wait to see him...

just because you don't feel something...doesn't excuse not treating someone with great love...
feelings are fleeting...
and I bet once you reconnect and get in to things...your feelings will change...

you want to blame him for looking at porn..yet he has been living a celebate marriage practically for nine months...

the longer you go without engaging...flirting and seducing...the harder it is to get it back....

and now you are jumping down his throat for looking at porn...which you don't disagree with...so it's not an ethical issue...it's that he's doing it.....

ifeel this is NOT to beat you up...
you need to see the bigger picture....
you want this man by your side nuturing and caring for you and the family...

you have to make him feel nurtured and loved and desired..
even inspite of your hormones and other stuff....

you are undermining your own marriage....

I seriously seriously seriously recomend you read

THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS...

he loves you
he wants to love you
he want to share that love with you...

and for nine months straight.... rejection....

can you see your role in this.....

I'll tell you what....each birth only brought me and my husband closer and closer on so many levels..including intimacy....

I couldn't wait to have the baby fall asleep peacefully with us....and then I couldn't wait to have some time for me and him...

where I could tell and show how much I admire and love the father of my children....


see your doctor get your antidepressents changed or discontinued....

light some candles
put on some soft music...

your husband doesn't give a rats patootie what you "think" you look like...he just wants to touch you cause he loves and adores you......

cherish your husband...
speak and show your love....

ARK

ARK........OMG!!! Whoa!!!

As a man, there is no way I could've expressed what you just wrote!

If my WW could understand that, we would not be living apart now........

How is it my fault? Ark,

I talk to my husband daily. I let him know how much I love him. I do desire him. We just don't have sex. He has told me it's not about sex. I don't reject him, I don't like to be "gropped", it makes me feel like a piece of meat.

My husband made vows too. I email him daily, I call him daily. I ask him to write me back, or leave a note once in awhile. Or just stop by or something. Never.

My husband needs to do what you say Ark, not I. The only thing I can change is my anti-depressents, but then I'm sure he probably wouldn't want me around if I change them.

Yes I married this man because I love him, I had a child with him and would love more. However I need him now, I need him there for our family. I don't need sex, sure I'd love to do it more, but I have needs too, does he see me turning to the computer? No.

I'm upset that he wouldn't talk to me about it first. I'm upset that he doesn't see what he can do to help.

I appreciate the good advice here, I'm glad I've come here, I know we can work it out. Marriage is hard work, I know that, but when only one person works at it, it makes it harder. More feedback is appreciated.

<Since my son was born we have had sex maybe 2 handfulls of times? I talk to him about it. I let him know that it's not him and that we can do other things and that I just don't want sex. I don't feel attractive, and I just have a lot going on."

"Well he's been awfully "gropey" lately and all over me. I asked him to stop, not because I don't love him, but because I just don't want to be touched.>

ifeelcheated.....I am a man.....From the above quote, and from the same experience, I can tell you that eventually we feel rejected and unwanted too. Through genetics and/or upbringing we are taught to just accept it not express our true opinion. Eventually we pull away and find other distractions. Could be football, golf, booze or porn. Who knows.

<He has told me it's not about sex. I don't reject him, I don't like to be "gropped", it makes me feel like a piece of meat.>

Ya well, I've said that too in order for my W to feel better about herself. It didn't really help my ego though. Especially as time goes on and it begins to sound like an excuse.

We know your issues are real, we don't feel them though. [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

Ifeelcheated:

My husband did the same thing. I agree with Ark- you really should try very hard to meet his need for SF. There are many ways to do this- be creative. There is a wonderful site that can help you if you're stuck:
www.themarriagebed.com

If you turn away from this opportunity, you run the risk of losing your husband. I almost did.

You are waiting for your husband to change. You will wait forever. YOU need to change first, and he will follow.

So what am I supposed to do? Have sex, not enjoy it? Make my mind think, this is real?

Give him what he wants and let me needs fall through?

Here's an article to help you get started:

http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/sexuality/pregnancy/pregpost.shtml

By the way, are you breastfeeding? You may be feeling "touched out". This will pass. Hang in there. The best thing you can do for your child is to make your marriage strong!

No I am not breastfeeding. I only breastfed for 6 weeks. My sex drive was through the roof when I breastfed, should have kept it up.

I think that you will find that if you begin meeting his needs he will be more eager to meet yours...It works beautifully in tandem...Get a copy of His Needs Her Needs A.S.A.P.!

My husband and I chose to get it on CD and listen to it together on a roadtrip so that we could pause at intervals to talk...If this is possible for the two of you, it works wonders, as many times men are more comfortable talking side by side, like in a car, rather than face to face...

FYI...There are fewer(if any) sexual side effects to Wellbutrin, you should check on changing meds...I do understand, as I also suffered from PPD...

Mrs. W

Absolutely Mrs W,

Someone has to start the process of meeting needs. So start! Get a copy of the EN questionaire of this site and both of you fill it out. Get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and read it together. Discuss it, talk about it. Tell him what you are feeling, tell him that you love him and want to make your marriage better. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate... Don't stop talking about this issue, make a plan to make it better and work it.

I can tell you that your husband at some point will quit asking and will quit groping and he will either continue with the Porn or worse will go outside of the marriage to get this need and the need for affection and admiration met. Tell him what your needs are and ask him to meet them. Help him understand these needs and how you like to have them met. Tell him when he does a good job doing this.

You get the point.

Thank you.

IFC.....Listen, no matter how you feel about yourself and your looks........We still think you are hot! Before, during and now after pregnancy most of us still desire our spouses.

A few words that hopeandpray mentioned above.....ADMIRATION and AFFECTION.....hits it on the head. Sometimes, no matter how big, strong and smelly we seem we still like to be treated like little puppy dogs.

There are other ways to take care of his libido besides doing the actual deed.

ifeelcheated..

this is not about fault or blame...

this is about getting inside our spouses and feeling the gentleness of their heartbeat..

this is about building a long term loving marriage...
that survives years and ALL kinds of stress...

this is about YOUR actions...even inspite of our spouses sometimes....

nine months with little sexual contact does NOT a healthy marriage make...

doesn't work that way....
and just two years in to the marriage...
double wammy...

and yep sometimes we do things for our spouses..even when we don't initially FEEL like it....
and the truth is usually in the realm of sexually feeling good...
when we don't always FEEL like it at first...
it just takes a little relaxing and getting in to it to feel really good...

infact you are cheating yourself out of some really wonderful stress release....and you say you are stressed...

sex is not a control or power issue...
sex is an expression of love...

men ARE wired different than women..
it's proven..

they use sex to feel close...they are wired that way..it's not something to be used against them...
it's part of their makeup....

women use other things and then feelings of sexual intimacy follow...

but someones got to throw a stone to get the pool to ripple...

marriagebuilders is ALL about changing YOU to illicit hopeful and positive change in others...

we can go on and on and on about the evilness of your husband looking at porn...
but it is NOT going to solve the issue that you have no sexual desire for him..

that starts with you....

and know that if your husband came here and said my wife won't have sex with me....

there'd be equal pages posted to HIM about what HE could do have YOU feel more sexual towards him.......

can you see it..

seriously
read the PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS

ark

You are correct Hangingtough.

You would be surprised at what just a little admiration and affection (you don't have to give him the whole "show" just a sneak preview if you get my drift) would do. Tell him how you are feeling up front and while you are not prepared emotionally to go all the way that you do understand that he has emotional and physical needs that you want to try and meet in different ways for now until you feel better about yourself, get your medications changed or whatever.

ARK....cool.....Now, go read the BiPolar thread and throw out some wisdom.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL

hopeand pray....You get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />