Thanks for sharing that, B2M, you are usually fairly mysterious about yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I understand what you are saying, and I agree that I would be doing the same thing (and making the same mistake) if I kept on dating G and "hoping" that things would work out. I know they won't, and so I won't do that.

The center of my debate on this thread was whether this all should have been obvious to me earlier - I believe that it shouldn't have. Sure, the signs were there, but it still takes time (at least for me) to put all the pieces together. Yup, I guess I am slow...

AGG

Valid point.


And that doesn't mean you won't chose it.
Moreover, it looks you will, and that's why I (I guess from the same reasons Anna too?) talked about 'the more time...')

Think so?
ooo, I am very open, just ask and you'd see <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Really, I don't have a bf, nor a lover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (and for the time being this hurts me more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), and what to talk here about myself?

You are right. I know it's easy to maintain the status quo - but we both want more than the status quo, and that ain't gonna happen. So, yes, we will have the chat sometime soon.

AGG

Oh, geez, lots of things... How long have you been married, how long divorced, relationships since divorce, are you looking for a partner, if not - why not? Ya know, all the stuff we like to know about other posters <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Well, I didn't just hope, it was a mix of many things, too weak to break up too included...


AGG, acceptance is OK too, if the value of what you are getting does not hurt you too much when paying the cost of it...
Can't we say that?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


OK, I am not running away now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> just going home and I could answer some time later on.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This would be nice, wouldn't it? But do we know ourselves that well? One of my biggest concerns in the area of potential relationships is whether my past experiences will limit my ability to recognize what is good or appropriate for me. I believe that I know myself very well indeed. But I fear that this may be as much of a trap as it is an asset.

As AGG said, "The thing we are discussing here is at which point does one decide that they know the other person enough to decide if there is a future or not." I suspect that a lot of us are far too quick to decide this. We wait for what we think we want. Or we keep getting into relationships which are similar to the ones which didn't work for us before.

The familiar is less disturbing to us even when it is fraught with pain and unhappiness. It takes an effort of will to try to remain open to new ways of seeing things, particularly as we grow older.

And yet hopefully the maturity which comes with age if we let it can help us to learn better from new experiences and to make wise choices despite the pain they may bring. We get sucked into relationship-as-a-habit only if we allow ourselves to do so.

As always, very well put GDP. I do try to move from my earlier dating approach of hurrying up and making a decision, to a hopefully more evolved approach of giving each relationship a chance to blossom, and sink or swim on its own merits, rather than on some preconceived notions I might have had. I think that this is the approach that allows me to grow more, rather than the one of "you are not what I had in mind, see you later".

Of course, as I stated, this does not mean that I would try to grow in a relationship that clearly had the dealbreakers of addictions, dishonesty, and illness. But, I am trying to be more flexible in accommodating differences, until and unless they eventually prove to be too severe. I think that as we grow older, we all become more set in our ways, and will need to be more accommodating with the differences between ourselves and our partners. The challenge is to assess which differences can be accommodated, and which cannot.

In the end, I think that in this relationship, I learned a lot and have grown as a person. And that is not a bad thing.

AGG

AGG,

On your response to how many dates, of course there's no specific number, but I think that in reality when you see so many differences and you don't see a future and you are wanting to make a future with someone, then at some point you gotta throw the towel in.

I see your post over the months and perhaps I am mis-reading them but it's almost like you continue to make excuses, like eating candy, you know you need to stop before you gain 40 pounds but you just love it way too much to stop so you think up excuses to continue eating it.

I don't think anyone should jump into marriage quickly anymore than someone should date the wrong person for an extended amount of time.

Of course as you said, G has no big deal breakers, but just because a person isn't a killer, drunk or cheater does not mean that they are right for you or that you should endlessly date them until they show signs of being a killer, drunk or cheat.

Sometimes it's not that people have a major deal breaker, it's like you said before, they have enough differences that it just would make it too miserable for both people later on down the road.


There's a healthy balance in dating and giving it enough time to see if it's a good match. Once you find a match that has more potential than flaws then I think it's time to move to the next step of the relationship to watch it bloom or just see what happens, not jump into marriage by any means, but go slowly build the relationship and see what happens.

Maybe I'm wrong but it sure seems like your relationship with G has more flaws than potential, yet you seem to be letting it bloom anyway.

Well, gotta run.

Anna

It hasn't appeared that way to me. I think AGG has shared far more positive qualities about G than faults.

I think that's precisely what AGG has done, but every blooming relationship won't lead to marriage.

I'm sorry this relationship isn't going to work out for you, AGG. I personally think respect is the biggest factor in love and being able to build a life with someone.

Anna, I think that we are in vehement agreement here, which is why I am having trouble figuring out what you and B2M are trying to tell me that I am doing wrong (or did) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

The only thing I can see us have a disagreement on is whether or not I should have broken up with G a couple of months ago instead of giving it this extra time. Yet your argument seems to go to the extreme, when you say this:


Why was my dating endless? G and I had tons of good things going for us; perhaps I didn't post them all here, but believe me, after having seen what I have seen out there, she really stood out (in wonderful ways). And so it makes sense (to me) that I wanted to give it time and see if I could get used to her idiosynchracies. As it turned out, I couldn't, but I think it's a far cry from "dating someone endlessly until they show signs of being a drunk" etc.


Well of course, that is how I see it now. Otherwise I would not be posting what I am posting, that I don't see us as being compatible. But it is not to say that there was never any potential and I just hung in there for giggles. That would be a misstatement.


I don't understand - I just got done posting that I finally decided that the relationship is not destined to go further, so why are you saying that I am letting it bloom anyway?

Put another way (I don't know how many more ways I can put it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />): 9 months ago I met a girl who seemed wonderful in many many important ways, we really hit it off. A couple of months later, as we got to know each other more, I started seeing some things that concerned me, but because we were so in tune in other ways, I wanted to give it more time and see if I could get used to the differences (rather than if she could change). A few months later, as time went on and I spent more time with her, I have reached the conclusion that the differences are too large for us to be a couple. So I decided to break it off. How does this translate into the story of endless dating despite it being obvious that I am dating a killer, drunk, etc? I just don't get it, Anna. It's not like I have dated G for years and years only to break up with her, something that I think is actually rather common.

AGG

Thanks, AFS. I sure do believe that G has more great qualities than negative ones; unfortunately, for me, the negatives outweigh the positives - but it is a far cry from saying that G has more negative qualities than positive ones - it's more a matter of compatibility with me, which, unfortunately, is not what it needs to be. But I am sure that she would be a wonderful partner for someone else who is wired more like she is.


I agree, and I also can't be in a relationship where I can't respect my partner's lifestyle, choices, and priorities.

AGG

Ahhh, yes, the old "gotta run home" excuse, eh??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AGG

AGG,

I think I posted to you about this woman some time ago.You have been very "methodical" about giving this relationship a try and I think that is great.You've tried to work with,maybe overlook and handle the issues you had with her.That's commendable in this disposable world we live in.I hear that you tried.

And as I read,I too would have problems with the relationship,as you describe it(trying to picture myself being you).Out of curiosity,does G work late? Is that why she sleeps so late in the AM? And getting ready? What is it that she does? When I was in my 20's,I distinctly remember taking a solid hour just to do my hair,get my make-up "just right" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />,make sure my outfit was right for the day,go back and touch up my hair,etc,etc.It's funny but now I don't care as much and I am out the door in 20 minutes tops,if need be.And the funny thing is I look just as fine as I did taking so much time.lol I also have made an effort to not look 100% "done" each and every day.I don't want to to pass that "requirement" on to my daughters.I go out without make up lots of times.I can't imagine what takes G so long.Maybe you mentioned it before?

I also work very late a couple nights a week but am still up and around by 7am to get all my kids off to school.I couldn't stand wasting the day away.That would drive me nuts too,waiting around for sleeping beauty to arise.jmho

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. This is certainly how I see it too!


Yes, she does have her work hours shifted (about 12-8), but not by necessity, but by choice. IOW, she does not sleep in late because she has to work late, she works late because she wants to sleep in late (and then take 2 hours to get ready). Does that make sense? All her coworkers go home by 5 or so, so this is definitely her little idiosynchracy.


AB, this is what I have been busting my head trying to understand - what can a person do for two hours to get ready? I don't mean get ready for a wedding, but to get ready to spend a Saturday... And I never did figure it out. I think she has a huge littany of products she feels she needs to apply to her hair, body, etc - not as much makeup, as all sorts of anti-aging creams and stuff. I counted close to 100 bottles of "stuff" in her bathroom. It's sad, because she is so pretty and lovely, she can fall out of bed and look like a million bucks - but instead, she feels the need to spend all that time prettying up - to the point of driving away the guy who loves her as she is. How ironic.

In the end, I had to admit that I cannot understand this preoccupation with looks, hair (she spends 5 hours at the hair salon every couple of months), the regular visits to nutritionists, dermatologists, etc etc. It's too Hollywoody for me, even though she seems so down to earth in some ways. But I cannot change her, and perhaps someone else will love those traits in her.


Yup. Then again, you are a parent, and I think we learn a lot once we become parents (no slam against any non-parent, just my observation). And sadly, that is also how I started viewing it as we (me and kids) were hanging around for 5 hours waiting for her to "make an appearance" every morning, er, afternoon. So much for respect.

AGG

Hehehe
(I never give my word if I cannot keep it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Btw, had a nice day at work... plenty time for the web. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Dating almost 4 years, M 3, D 2,5, no R after D, i.e. died in that part after D, not looking, but there are couple of months I feel some signs of life, reliving a woman in me and expecting her full reincarnation soon, lost in where to start to look for that missing part in my life, above all how to find the time for it...

Anything else, Sir? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It looks Anna and I see 'your case' things the same/similar way...

And while I can understand why you didn't get what I wrote, Anna did it so good (I agree again with her last post), yet you didn't get her either.
Are you sure you've read it all at all? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Not so...
It still lasts, it looks it will continue to last, and it looks quite the same as you wrote 2-3 months ago...
(I also see some reasons to continue as just excuses to continue 'eating candy'...)


I don't know if Anna feels the same, but for me it doesn't look you are ready (for any 'final decision') yet, and after talking to your gf I 'expect' some new reasons for giving it some more time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

JMHO

GDP,

Yes, it would be...
I think I know myself very very well, but I have no illusions that I know all nor that I couldn't surprise myself by doing something I now say 'never'...


How could that be?


Ooo, don't fear... accept it... for it IS a trap too...

Ah, so you are dating vicariously through us, eh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />? No wonder you think that you would instantly see red flags and know how to run away from them, I used to think that I could do it too...I guess I found that people (and relationships) are much more complex than I ever thought, agh.

Well, I hope you soon find the time (and energy) to start dating again; I promise to be nice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.

AGG