Post deleted by thelovesgone

Yes, if that's the way you really feel, you should divorce and move on. You should NEVER have an affair!!! did you learn nothing from your previous experience?

Are you trying to get the feelings you had for your husband back? What is he doing to fill your love bank? What are you doing together? Is he repentant? Is he working on your marriage?

It is because you want to hurt your WH the way you were hurt. You feel like you were so ignored for so long (and you're right, you were) that you deserve to be happy. And your WH had an A, so why cant' you?

You lost respect for you WH when he had his A. You will lose respect for yourself if you have an A.

Is there no way to get the feelings back that made you marry your WH? Are you still seething with unresolved feelings about your husband's affair? Are you wanting to punish him?

Look at your family. What are they worth to you?

Have you and your husband been to counseling?

I, too, am a betrayed spouse, but haven't given up on my marriage. There are days (sometimes stretches of days) that I have to convince myself that I still have some feeling for my wife and that someday I will have stronger feelings for her. I do love my wife, but it's a love hanging on by a thread somedays.

The wayward spouse looks through fog. The betrayed spouse sometimes has their world colored by pain, resentment, anger and sadness. It's quite a kaleidascope (I have no idea if that is spelled remotely close). Many of us are in the same position as you and have the same feeling you are having.

I hope you understand that having an affair on your husband is NOT the path to a clean end. Don't even explore the possibility! You will get in over your head before you know it.

You and your husband need to take this to some professional counseling. There are also plenty of workshops/weekends that can help you explore your feelings / love for each other.

Don't give up since it seems he's willing to continue to work at it given his continued presence in your life and the fact that he reads the forum. You need to put some space between you and this other person -- NOW.

Fairness to your husband is not determined by how you do or don't feel for him. Yes, his decision to have an affair was wrong and was among the greatest betrayals anyone can inflict on another. That doesn't excuse or justify your playing with fire.

Seek counsel. Pray hard. Keep posting.

TLG,

Let's see. Your H's affair destroyed your love for him. Yet you stay in the marriage for the kids. So let's consider the kids for a moment. What lessons are you going to teach them if you cheat as well? How will you cheating help the atmosphere around the home? I presume that your H is sorry for the A and is trying to rebuild the marriage, suggesting that he does love you. So the kids do get to see that he does love you although you say you don't love him.

You seem to think you staying with your H, although you have NO love, or respect, is good for them. You feel them seeing you treat him with NO love or respect is a good thing for them.

So let's quit kidding one another here. TLG, you apparently have the same or worse morals than your H. You apparently are NOT taking responsibility for YOUR actions and thoughts. You are ready to blame your hardened heart on HIM, but it is YOUR heart and YOU control it. That this includes who you give it to and who you give your body to.

You started out asking about your affair and yes you are having an affair, even if it is an emotional one. You end up asking should you divorce and move on.

My thoughts are that you still feel the need to be married for your children. If that is truly the case, then I think you should do everything possible to rebuild this marriage and develop love and respect for your H. That means reading the articles here, it means going to counseling, and it means ENDING YOUR AFFAIR.

The decision to divorce should not be made while YOU are having an affair and you are in fact doing just that. Your "interest" in someone has led you to consider alternatives other than your marriage...it is therefore clearly an affair.

I nor anyone else can tell you to remain married or not. But, I can tell you that you are not likely to make a very good decision when you are in an affair, just ask your H. Oh! and just as a thought consider how much this affair has hurt your H. I don't mean your responses to him, but inside himself. He knows what he did and I would bet good money if he could go back and not do it, he would in a heart beat. He has to look in the mirror every day. How are YOU going to look in the mirror when you face your emotional affair or you take it further with a physical one?

If I have learned anything on this site, it is that most FWS pay and pay for what they did, no matter how their spouses respond. You don't need to punish him, you don't need to take special actions to hurt him. You don't believe me, then just think about why you wrote this post. It is bothering you isn't it? It will get worse...but you control it.

God Bless,

JL

My H has been the only one really working on this marriage since the A. I have just been going along for the ride pretty much. He knows I don't want to be in it any longer. I just don't know what to do!

You say that you are getting impatient that the feeling of love has not returned, yet you say that you have not been working on the marriage.

I do understand your mixed emotions and confused state of mind, however, take a long look at the words you are saying. Who is it that you are trying to convince and what result do you want?

Do you want a happy family? Do you want to learn how to forgive? Do you want a Husband who loves, respects, adores, and wants you?

The words I hold onto every day... so many bad and good days... "Love is Patient".

You are losing patience... seek strength and have faith. Force yourself to be patient... one day at a time.

And do you know what will happen... this act of patience is love. You will be acting in love. With that kind of attitude and heart, you just never know what you might find at the end.

Take care,

Shaden

Do not talk with, email, text message OM for at least three months, throw yourself into working on your M and redeveloping your love for your H (I know he doesn't deserve it but your children do). If after that time you feel the same then talk w/ him about D. But, you cannot and will not make an effort or good decisions whilst you have OM as backup plan B if the M does not work. You have to put him aside and if he truly cares about you he will gladly step aside for you and your children. If not I would question his motives and character. If you decide that you want to stay M then he has done a noble and good thing. If you decide you don't want to stay M then he is there for you and you two can give it a go. If he will not wait three lousy months then again I question the man's integrity, character, and true intentions regarding you. three months is not that long.

TLG, your marriage won't work if you dont' want it to.

You can make choices. You can determine your fate. Either decide you love your husband (don't wait for the feelings) and act on it, or don't. If you don't, then your choices are to stay even if you don't love him, or divorce. but if you stay if you don't love him, you're still married. NO AFFAIRS!! EA, PA, none!! YOU will make the choice, knowing what the consequences are.

It's your life and no one decides it but you.

You are in an affair whether you want to admit it or not. You are lying to and deceiving people to cover it up. You have already changed your screen name to help cover it. Your husband comes here and you do not want him to know what you are up to.
Sounds to me like you are really not being honest with him.
You have 2 choices, 1. End your affair and get on with the task at hand. 2. Divorce your husband and go about your way.
What in the heck are you teaching your kids! What are you going to tell them when you are not at home because you are with OM.
You are about to make a mess of your life that only you have control over.
I still can't understand how some BS's on here go this route.
Was your pain not debilitating enough for you that you could do this to another human being?!
You need to think long and hard about this one!

Post deleted by thelovesgone

You have not tried. You yourself has told us your husband is the only one who is trying. What is it?

I don't want to get too much into the facts but I have tried in the past. It was for nothing due to circumstances I can't get into.

I admit I haven't been trying recently (for about 5 months now) I don't really want to try. Everyone wants me to and I think that is why I am....for everybody else but myself. It's not going to work unless I want to try again and I don't really want to. Now what?

Have you also lost total respect for yourself?

Honestly...yes. I have lost so much of who I am since the A. I feel worthless and unattractive and my self-esteem is out the window. I feel as though there is a reason my H cheated on me so there must be something wrong with me.

No no no no no. NEVER your fault!!! No matter what you did in your marriage the A was not your fault!!!!!

Please please please never think that.

Plan A!!! Especially the part where you take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. And I really believe it can be within your family with your husband and children. But you are important, never forget that. Truly, you are lovable and worthy.

Absolutely I know this is true. I think maybe you still have some BS fog hanging around- well, it's probably only mist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but it's there. Get a big fan and blow it away!!!! Work on improving you, work on allowing your FWH to work on himself and BOTH of you work on your Marriage!!

JMHO.