Hey all! This is the first time I have posted here. I have been reading the boards for a couple of weeks now and just decided to tell my story. I have been married for 5 years. A month ago, my husband confessed to me that he had been having an A with an old girlfriend. We have had a good marriage and I would have never thought this could happen to me. Reading MB philophy now I realize I was not meeting his emotional needs (mainly sex) and truth be told he was not meeting a lot of mine either. I just thought we had a solid marriage and we would get through it. We have to small children and the attention they require has put our relationship on the back burner, which I know now was a mistake.

So, after he told me I was a mess. I told him he had to end all contact with her and we needed to start MC. He agreed. The next day he called her and ended it and we went to counseling. The first two weeks after that were actually great. I was pouring myself into him and meeting all the emotional needs I hadn't met. I guess I was also in some denial and numbness about the A. After the reality sunk in, I became depressed and needed alot from him which he was unable to give. I thought at the time, that he was going through withdrawal. This weekend I had him read some infidelity articles on this website and he decided to be honest with me. He said that he loved me but was not in love with me and that he was in love with her. He also confessed that she had contacted him by email at the beginning of the week and instead of telling me (which we agreed upon) he continued to stay in contact with her. I got very angry and told him I wanted him to leave. We discussed our marriage and I told him that I loved him and believed that we could get through this and have a stronger marriage but I refused to be his doormat. Monday, I told him he need to email her a NC letter (that I approved of) and I needed to be copied in on it. If he didn't do this, I didn't want him to come home. Yesterday, he sent me the letter, I approved and he sent it to her.

I feel like this is the first step. I have several different emotions about everything, Hurt, angry, love. I know right now that he isn't sure what he wants but feels that he needs to do everything he can to try and make this work. I can tell he is down and is probably going to be going through withdrawal. He is not meeting my emotional need right now as he pulls away and is distant. I understant that this part of the process and I just want to know what to do next.

2crazy-- my hope is that someday, my husband will feel like you do and be glad that he made this decision. Right now, he doesn't feel worthy or deserving of my love and is filled with a lot of guilt. I hope one day he will feel fortunate and lucky to have my love rather than undeserving. What can I do to help us through this process? Give him space? Show my love? We continue to go to counseling, however, after 4 joint sessions, we are now going individually as there is alot of work we need to get through ourselves before really working together. Any support and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
NUTINLOVE

I was really hoping for some thoughts! Anybody in this same situation? I want my marriage to work, but it is hard to continue when he doesn't show me the affection that I really need. I need help!

Welcome to MB and sorry your sitch brings you here. On this forum you will find valuable insights from both BS and FWS alike in sharing their own experiences to help you in your recovery.

Once the A is over, MC and probably IC is critical in helping to rebuild the relationship. However, from your description it appears that the A may be alive and well still to this day. Although it is a tough thing to do for most, you must expose this A to all that could influence your H actions, including but not limited to his family, parents, siblings, etc., his work including the HR department and his supervisor and most importantly to the OWH. An affair is a fantasy world that cannot survive the light of day. Exposure is that light. Your WH will be pissed when you do this...DO NOT warn him and make your exposure swift and complete. But you cannot start your marital or your personal recovery until the A is over once and for all.

After exposure, unfortunately it doesn't get any easier for a while. Your feelings of nausea, depression, helplessness, etc. are the same that each of every one of us betrayed has felt before. A big part of those feelings is that it is natural for us to assume that we "drove" our spouse into an A. Nothing could be further from the truth. You had no choice in his decisions to seek to fulfill his needs outside the marriage. You both are equally responsible for the state of the marriage that allowed an affair but he and he alone owns his bad choices. Now that D-Day has occurred, you regain control of the choices..if you want to stay and rebuild your marriage, congratulations, but be prepared for the long hard road ahead. At the end of the road is the possiblity for a relationship with your H that is much more fulfilling and intimate for both of you. However, if at some point you cannot move past his indiscretions and you decide to take another road, there is nothing wrong with that choice. It is a personal decision that you and only you get to make.

In either event, reading up and implementing a really good Plan A is critical for both you and him. Don't expect him to meet your EN's for a while, he is still controlled by aliens. This is a really tough hurdle for most BS's to get past as it would seem that the one that did the bad deeds should have to carry the early burden while we recovered but unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. If he will take the EN's questionaire with you then indentify his most important EN and try to fulfill them no matter what, without expecting him to fulfill any of yours. By doing this, over time he will eventually come back into reality and realize what he risked by his poor choices and at some point if he wants to have any chance of keeping you around he is going to have to start fulfilling your needs as well.

Plan A has no downsides. It starts to fill the love bank back up and even if at some point you decide that you don't want to work this relationship out, you leave knowing that you have given everything you had to give. More importantly, by following through on a good Plan A and avoiding LB's you will become a better person and partner.

As for continuing your MC, I would just keep it IC until the A is in the deathgrips. MC while the A is continuing is a waste of your time and money.

Good luck and post with your progress and questions. There are a lot of old timers around here that have a lot of really good advice.

How to you know he sent it to her?

I recommend you proceed cautiously, assuming contact will continue.

Can you monitor for contact - not relying on his honesty?

Do they work together or otherwise have easy opportunities for contact?

Is the OW married or has a significant other?

He blind copied it to me when he emailed it to her. She is no longer married. She was when the affair started but since then she has gotten divorced. They do not work together so I do not worry about them seeing each other, but the past week the email contact has been at his work email and I have no way to monitor that. I want to trust that he has ended it, but I really have no way of knowing.

Hi NinL...

Yes, your husband is going to be in withdrawal right now...Usually that lasts for around 4 to 8 weeks, and it will be HE!! on both of you...If he doesn't maintain NC, it will put both of you back to square one...Recovery can't begin until NC is established and withdrawal has ended...Right now, unfortunately, you will have to put your "taker" away...It will be a while before he can or will begin meeting your ENs...Encourage him to talk to you as much as you can take it...Give him a safe place to share with you, as this is what intimacy is about...Intimacy means loving someone warts and all...If he senses that you will yell or scream at him, he will withdraw and not answer the questions that you need answers to...No lovebusters...Open and honest sharing...Lay the foundation for recovery with this...It's okay to tell him it hurts you to hear certain things, just don't punish him for his honesty...

Can you give us a few more details about the affair? How long did it last? Does the OW live nearby?

Have you read Surviving An Affair? Please do so A.S.A.P. Can you afford to call one of the Harleys for counseling? Most counselors are not pro marriage and the Harleys most definitely are...They can help you come up with an individual recovery plan...Click on the counseling center link at the top of the page for information about this...

He must become totally transparent to you...He must give you all cell phone, email passwords, etc...It is his responsibility to earn your trust at this point...He must make himself totally accountable to you...I think that you must snoop to be sure of this right now...I am a firm believer that you must INSPECT what you EXPECT...You are doing this to save your marriage...It is a very noble endeavor...

Welcome to Marriage Builders NinL, I'm sorry that you are here, but it is a great place to rebuild your marriage into one that will bring you and your husband a lifetime of happiness...

Mrs. W

The night he told me I asked a lot of details and he answered them honestly. He didn't know exactly when the EA started but he said it has been going on for about a year. There has been a PA since then, but not often, just when they could arrange it. Usually when I was out of town so maybe once or twice a month. In all actuality, the Emotional affair is what really bothers me. I do need to work on having creating situations where he will be safe being honest with me because it really hurts to hear some of the things he says and sometimes I do not stay calm. I am trying. Our MC is really good. She agrees with NC. Although we haven't been there since I found out the contact had started again. We will go again on Monday. I know I need to be patient and don't worry. I also snoop. I check his cell phone all the time and the bill. I just really have no way of getting to his work email or phone. I believe that he will be honest with me if I ask so I'm just going to have to keep asking everyday if he has had contact with her. This really SUCKS. I hate that this has happened to my life, but I am really trying to stay positive and hope that we can have a stronger marriage after all of this.

NinL...

Keep in mind that I am telling you this as a FWS...Do NOT believe that he will be honest with you about contact...Your husband is an addict and addicts lie, cheat and steal...He has proven himself to be untrustworthy, and to be blunt, you would be a fool to trust him right now...

Be on the look out for a secret cell phone...Go to Radio Shack and buy a voice activated digital tape recorder and put it in his car...

Have you exposed this affair?

Mrs. W

nutinlove below is Joseph's Letter


"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Thanks growthspurt!

Ok, so my husband has been in withdrawal for the past 5 days and it sucks! I have so been longing for affection which he cannot give now and feeling miserable. I know I have come off to him as desperate and needy. Yesterday, I was alone all day. My mom had the kids and husband was working and I did ALOT of thinking. Not about the A, not about my WH, but about me. This is where the revelation comes in. I did alot of soul searching and I am strong person. I don't NEED him. Plan A is not just actions it is a state of mind. I was trying to Plan A but was always having to Make myself hold back. Yesterday, I thought about who I want to be regardless of whether or not this marriage works. I am going to use this time (with my H in withdrawal) to work on myself and become stronger.

When my H fell in love with me the first time, I was an independent and strong woman. If he falls in love with me again, it will be because:

I am strong and not needy.
I am happy to be alive and not desperate to be loved.

Am I hurt? yes terribly
Am I angry? of course
Do I love my husband? yes
Do I want my marriage to work? yes
Do I want to be happy with my h again? yes
Will I die if this doesn't happen? NO
I am a strong person and I will no longer let my happiness depend on what he does or doesn't do for me.

My marriage is not in recovery yet, BUT I AM!

Nutinlove,

How is it going? You made the first big step by saying"Do I want my M to work, YES?" Without that you would be moving on, so where are you at now?

take care of yourself, you sound like a very strong women and let me tell you something, men like that.
M2l

Ok- So I haven't posted in awhile but I have been reading everyday. I have an update and guess I would like advice if I went in the right direction with this. Have been doing snooping and haven't seen any signs of contact and of course WH says has not had contact for one month. He is out of town this weekend and this morning I went online and found that he had a blocked call at 1:40 AM. HMMMM! Called him immediately and he was saying some story about a hang up. BLAH BLah. At 1 in the morning!!?? I calmly asked him to stop talking and think about what he was saying and asked him to be COMPLETELY honest with me. After a long pause, he said she had called him. Apparently there have been a few emails over the past week.

I'm proud of this next part.. I calmly told him that I asked two things of him. NC and comlete opennes and honesty and that he didn't do that. I told him I was disappointed and that when he came home tomorrow we would not be here. I wanted him to pack his stuff and not be here when we got back. He was crying and apologizing but I stook to my guns and said that I expected him gone when I got home. The thing is that I feel great and empowered right now! I would like to leave a plan B letter for him. Does anyone have samples?
Did I handle it well?
NiL

NIL, I wouldn't go into Plan B yet if you have just decided to seperate. That will just look like punishment and will sort of defeat the purpose. If your bargain was seperation at a repeat, then I would suggest following through on that first.

Once you are seperated for a few weeks, THEN would be the time to go into Plan B. You don't want Plan B to be a punishment or that will throw him the arms in the OW.

Have you exposed this affair to all key parties?

No- Exposure was the one thing that was hard for me as I truely thought one of the reasons he was staying at home was so that others would not find out, but I'm planning on getting on the phone today a calling some key people. Starting with ow mother and wh parents. They will find out anyway, because I'm sure that is where he will be going. SO...you are saying that having him leave is OK, but not to plan b with no contact?? Stay seperated but Plan A? Is that right?

Yes, expose the affair to his family and the OW's family. Tell them you are trying to save your family and ask for their support in doing so. Exposure is ruinous to affairs so this might just kill it. But just stay in Plan A for now. When you talk to him, be very pleasant with no lovebusters, but FIRM and LOVING. No explosions, no angry outbursts. Can you do that?

It is risky to seperate, so it is important that you be careful here and don't cause more damage than is neccessary to kill the affair.

The OW is not married, I take it?

No- the OW got divorced this past March. I can stay very calm with him. I was amazingly calm this morning, so I'm sure I can do that with no LB or angry outbursts. I say that now, because I'm not feeling even very angry, just disappointed that he made these decisions. I will call her mother and his parents today. Thanks for your help ML. I do want this to work. I just feel like I clearly set bounderies and he crossed them and this is the second time. Is seperating the right thing to do?

NIL, I think you are doing the right thing given the circumstances. Seperating is very risky, but on the other hand, not protecting your boundaries from an affair is even riskier. If there are no consequences for resumed contact, then the affair will never end. If this is the second time this has happened, then you MUST follow through lest you will be dealing with this over and over again.

I think you are probably in shock right now, that is another reason I am suggesting you move slowly into Plan B. You may not have to go into Plan B at all.

Did the OW get divorced because of this affair? Do you know for a FACT she is divorced or could this be a lie from your H?

I would get your exposures done now, though. Are there any other key ppl who could be instrumental here?