I have been married to Mike for four years; we dated for a year before marrying. Mike has three children from a previous marriage and I have two, we have custody of all five, well did have custody, three of the children are now grown. When we married we had a 17 year old, two 16 year olds, a 14 year old and a 9 year old. My two children were the oldest of the five and nearly grown when we married.

The kids, all five of them were constantly pitting Mike and me against one another, and we allowed it to the point that we actually separated for a year due to this constant meddling of the kids. If I told any of them NO, they would run behind my back and ask Mike and he would say YES, the kids had this game down to a fine art. After separating Mike and I talked and decided that we loved each other and wanted our marriage to work, however there had to be changes, we both agreed to sit our children down and tell them we would no longer allow them to interfere with our marriage, and here is where the problem still lies two years later.

I sat both of my boys down and told them under no circumstances would I allow them to ruin my marriage, that as long as I was married to Mike they would be respectful to both of us, they did not have to like Mike, however they did have to respect him. My boys understood that they would soon be grown and would no longer be living in my home, and agreed that I was only right to make these demands.

Mike, contrary to his agreement that we needed to set boundaries for the kids, did just the opposite. Mike three children told him they would not live with me, and that they wanted to live with his parents and sister in Maryland, this was after Mike's sister and mother decided that I was not a fit mother, because I had too many rules and was too strict on all the kids, even my own two boys. Mike mother and sister immediately started “putting” their two cents worth in at every chance they could get, and Mike has never tried to stop the actions that his mother, his sister, or his children still continue to do to this date. I no longer have a name; I am referred to as “your wife” by Mike’s entire family, including his children. Mike oldest son, Jamie, is 19 and a sophomore at University of Maryland, I am often referred to as the F*****g B***h that you are married to, and still Mike does nothing to stop this behavior, telling me that Jamie will eventually come around. Jamie often ask for money for things he needs at college, and I am told to send it to him (Mike is active duty military and stationed in Iraq). In July Jamie asked for 200.00 dollars and I sent the money, Mike told Jamie at that time if he did not say thank you to me there would be no more money sent, well the thanks you’s never came and today I received and email from Mike telling me to send Jamie more money, I reminded Mike of the “no more money until I was at least acknowledge pledge”, to which he replied yeah but my mother will be on my back if I don’t send the money. I am not opposed to sending him money that is not my problem at all, I opposed to allowing this behavior to continue. While living in our home Jamie would call his mother and tell her if she would just show some interest in his dad, Mike, that Mike would get rid of me and they could all be a family again.

When Mike and I separated and were living in two different states, Mike called me one day at my new home and asked if his ex-wife could move in with him and the kids so she could try to rebuild her relationship with the kids, and like I stupid person would, I said if it would help the kids, I don’t see why not. Only later did I realize how stupid that would truly be, and told Mike that if he allowed his ex-wife to move in with him and his kids so she could “supposedly rebuild her relationship with her children” I would have no other option but to file for a divorce, what kind of man would ask his current wife (from whom he is separated and trying to resolve the marital issues with) if his former wife could move in with him? Still to this day he thinks I was wrong, and his kids say I am a total ****** because their relationship with their mother would have been better if I had allowed their mom to move in with all of them. Even Mike’s mother belittles me because I should have let the ex-wife move I so Mike’s children would have a better relationship with their mother. Mike’s parents offered the ex-wife to stay at their house so she could try and “fix” things with her children, she wanted no part of that, the ex-wife wanted to live with Mike and the kids, she actually called me and told me she wanted her family back and if I would just divorce Mike they could all be a family again.

Mike allowed the children to go to Maryland to live with his sister, and she constantly sent emails how bad their behavior was, how very unappreciative they were, things I had been saying all along regarding the kids behavior, but when I said these things I was labeled an UNFIT PARENT, even though shortly after we were married I took care of all five kids for over a year, by myself, while Mike was stationed in South Korea with the US Army, and this was with no help from any of Mike’s family or even Mike’s ex-wife. Mike has always had custody of his kids as his ex-wife did not want the responsibility of the kids, she wanted to be single. Mike ex-wife never paid child support, and he never insisted that she pay.

Mike and I had talked and I had told Mike either the kids come home where they belong, or I was leaving, that his allowing the kids to live with his family because they did not like the rules at my house was completely disrespectful and I would not tolerate it any longer. So in May 2006 they were to come home to Washington to live with us, however the kids had other plans, the youngest of the five children, now 13 and 17, contacted their mother in California and told her they wanted to live with her, bear in mind she had not maintained any type of relationship with her children in over four years, no birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts, nothing. The kids went to California to live with their mother, they all three share a one bedroom apartment, the living conditions are absolutely horrible, she has no money to buy grocery, she spends the child support money on “stupid things’, I have had to send money on top of child support money in order for the kids to have the necessary things they needed for school, and again no acknowledgement, no thank you, nothing, and still Mike thinks the behavior his kids dish out is okay. He refuses to say anything because he does not want his mother or his sister on his “back”. He does not want to upset his children, am I crazy or what?

The kids did not like picking up after themselves, they did not like having curfews to abide by, they did not like it when they got caught skipping school and were punished. The rules I had at my house, all five kids were under them, my two boys knew if you broke a rule you paid the price, and there was never any physical punishment. They lost television privileges, no play station games, no computer, no telephone calls, and no extra curricular activities. So it was not as if they were under two sets of rules, I expected the same from all of them, if anything I was harder on my two boys than I ever was on Mike’s kids. My boys were taught to respect other’s property, however Mike’s were not, if they wanted something, they simply took it, regardless if permission was given or not, and this was not acceptable, still is not acceptable. They had to be in on school nights by 9:30 pm and they thought that was a crime, on weekends 11:00 pm and again it was a crime, however if there were not rules set, I could have never managed for a year alone with five kids.

My two boys are now grown and living out on their own, making their own way in this world. Mike has his oldest son in college in Maryland, and he always needs help. He had a full scholarship to UM, living in the dorm for free, now he has decided he wants an apartment off campus and Mike and I have to pay for it, and we are. And again, I have no problem with helping him out, I do have a problem that Mike’s entire family refers to me as unfit, a f*****g b***h, you wife, I am shown no respect whatsoever, but anytime the kids need something, and if I don’t adhere to their request Mike threatens divorce, says I hate his kids, has his parents barking orders. I am at my wits end……..please tell me what I should do...........

these children are the direct result of grownup chaos in their lives....

shuffled around
forced to have new moms...
a dad stationed overseas..
sent away to moms
sent away to an aunts home

chaos chaos chaos.....

you should probably get a divorce since your children are now grown...
and you are unable to be a positive influence in the other childrens lives...

otherwise what is today will be the same always..
and you will only grow to harbor more and more resentment towards mike and his children and his family....

to save yourself
and your children
cause his family isn't going to change..
you will be saving yourself a lot of grief...

This is an example of what happens when adults put themselves ahead of childrens needs..
who needed stable dad to be there...
since mom is so "unfit"

but instead dad is off getting married and abandoning everyone to korea....

I'm sorry you even got involved with this man and his children..

ARK

ARK,

Thanks so much for your reply. I have tried continously to be a positive influence in Mike's childrens lives. Mike's kids were so convinced that if I was not in the picture their father would be with their mother. Their mother lied to people about even having children, was engaged to another soldier who dicovered one month before the wedding she even had kids, who were in their teens. Mike's ex wife cheated on him at every turn, infact Mike is not even sure the oldest child, Jamie belongs to him.

I tried to give Mike's kids some stability in their lives only to be lamb-blasted by Mike's parents and sister for setting too many rules. Mike is a great father when he is around, however I have always felt like the outsider looking in. Mike and I bought a home together when we first married, because I wanted all five kids to feel like it was HOME, however Mike's oldest Jamie would often tell me "Well my dad's name is on the deed first, so this is his house." I heard this ever day for the first five months of our marriage. Jamie would call his grandparents (Mike's mom and dad) and tell them each and every time that got into trouble for skipping school, getting into fights at school, anytime I scolded the kids I was told on...like I was some five year old child. In turn Mike's mom would cal and tell me how to run my house and how to take care of the kids, she did not offer any help, just wanted to let me know how I should be doing things.

I had been a single mother for over ten years when I met and fell in love with Mike, and I really liked his kids, however there is nothing wrong with structure in homes, and his kids want no part of it. My family welcomed Mike and his children with open arms, including them into everything, birthdays, Christmas, graduations...my family wanted the kids to always feel welcome, on the other hand Mike's family would send gifts to Mike's kids, and neglect to send anything to mine, this is the type of behavior I endure still four years later. And Mike thinks it is fine, his favorite saying "THEY WILL GROW TO LIKE YOU THEY WILL COME AROUND."

I was a flight attendant, took an early retirement after marrying Mike so that I could be at home for all the kids. I had never been told I was a bad mother, I had never been labeled unfit, I was very active in my boys lives, and we were more than mother and child, we were friends, and this is what I wanted for Mike's children also, I wanted them to know I could be their parent, however I could also be their friend. I have tried everything, now the oldest son, Jamie who is in college gets drunk every night and writes to let is father know, of course Mike's parents blame me, I am the root of all eveil in Mike's and his children's lives. His two younger chidlren ages 13 and 17, the 13 yro has an eating disorder and the 17 yro is heavy into the drug scene in CA....Like I said I am at my wits end.

I know fantyf..

sadly I think there is only years and years of more of the same......

you are their scapegoat for all their wrongdoing...

Wish I had words of wisdom or good news but, having lived in a very similar situation and now on the brink of divorce, in part due to now-grown kids and their continued greediness, I have to agree w/Ark that it only gets worse.

I thought that when his kids graduated high school, they would move on and create lives for themselves. They did sort of but the hand is still out. They never appreciated anything and we were never able to do enough.

Divorce is a horrible reality. I'm not saying that's what you need to do. The sad thing is that his kids and your kids will eventually grow up and then you're both left alone. They won't know who you are until they need something. Or, that's my experience at this point with my H's two.

Life2Short,

Thanks, I am afraid I knew the answer to all my questions, before I even posted here. I was hoping to hear from others who have faced the same issues I face daily. And evidently you have been there and done that.

Mike just pretends that everything will be okay and until then he just continues to allow the behavior to continue.

I gave up everything in my life, I loved my job as a flight attendant, I had been a flight attendant for 13 years, but gave it up for Mike's daughter who was nine years old when we first married, I thought she needed me at home more than I needed to fly and be away from home. I know I cant put spilled milk back into the container, but oh how I would change things if only I could turn back time.

You are in an impossible position.

Step parents should never be the disciplinarian. That`s the role of the biological parent. The step kids resent you because they did not choose you. Mike did.

But where`s Mike? He`s thousands of miles away. He cannot be the disciplinarian. He`s left you holding the bag.

There is no way out of this situation until Mike comes home and even then....your family needs counselling and you ALL need to learn about personal boundaries.

The situation cannot change till your H comes home. How much patience do you have left?

If I were you I would be very tempted to walk away from all this.

Yes your situation is near impossible.

Most kids of divorce want their parents to get back together, most want their family back. Some kids hate the new spouse simply because you are a constant reminder that their family of origin is shattered. Some of these kids will undermine the new relationship at every opportunity because they harbor the notion that if this relationship fails then their parents will get back together.

You are forced here to be the heavy in the kid's life and they resent you for it. Like Daisy said, they didn't choose you, their father did . . . and he is gone.

Frankly, I don't know how you lasted this long. . . you must have much tougher skin than I have.

The kids, all five of them were constantly pitting Mike and me against one another, and we allowed it to the point that we actually separated for a year due to this constant meddling of the kids. ............. we both agreed to sit our children down and tell them we would no longer allow them to interfere with our marriage, and here is where the problem still lies two years later.

I think there are big problems from the divorce, however I think there are even more problems from Mike not setting boundaries and enforcing them. No consenquences means no reason to change, and sure enough, the kids didn't change.

I sat both of my boys down and told them under no circumstances would I allow them to ruin my marriage, that as long as I was married to Mike they would be respectful to both of us, they did not have to like Mike, however they did have to respect him. My boys understood that they would soon be grown and would no longer be living in my home, and agreed that I was only right to make these demands.

Mike, contrary to his agreement that we needed to set boundaries for the kids, did just the opposite.

The way I see it, the problem is not the kids so much as it is Mike. He won't work with you as a partner to solve the problem with the kids, he doesn't stick up for you with the family. My feeling is even if he agreed 100% RIGHT NOW to aid you, it would take years to change the habits trained into both the children, and his family.

Had he stuck up for you with his family, and said that if there was no respect for you, he wouldn't be communicating with them, the family would have changed, or you wouldn't have to deal with them. He did not stick up for you nor help you. To me that is very telling.

What you need to ask yourself, is is there any real chance of this changing. You have four years to help you judge. Look at it again, and tell us what you think.

That may be your answer.

So sorry for the pain, and the frustratin. This has to be tough. Sorry for talking about it in such a detached manner, when you have so much invested in this. I don't mean to sound cold. Just trying to help you sort it out.

SS

I feel like I am in an impossible situation. I have felt like that for a very long time. And I hate to say, I used to be a woman who was so very confident, so very sure of herself, loads of self esteem, and these people have just about "beat" me into nothing.

I have gone to MC...alone, Mike has only been home maybe six months total since we married in 2002, and these six months were not all at once. I have done IC, parenting classes, and I never had to do these things before when raising my own children, I thought I had made some terrible mistakes, and I was going to fix it at all cost. I wanted to make sure I had done everything in my power to right the wrongs I had made concerning Mike's kids.

I am not sure how much more patience I have left. I get emails from Mike's mother at least twice a week telling me how awful I have made Mike's life, how I have destroyed any hope of Mike and his ex-wife getting back together, how I have made a complete mess of Mike's childrens lives

I have very little patience left....very little and I am not one to quit and throw in the towel, I stayed single ten long years to find the someone I wanted to grow old with...and look where that got me.

Still Seeking,

Exactly, that is what I have been trying to tell Mike for so long. The kids face no consequences, so therefore, there is no reason for anyone to change their behavior or treatment of me. I am a big girl and usually I can stand my own, however I am being jumped from all sides of the fence, nd I am not sure how much more I can take.

I have told Mike numerous times to please stand with me and not stab me in the back so ofteen, that as a united front we can show the kids we are not going to take naymore of their bull, and he promises, and then the very next time one of his kids need soemthing and refer to me as the [censored]*ng B*tch, he gives them exactly what they ask for. ANd the same with his family, I have told Mike so many many times, I was married to him, not his mother, not his sister, not his brother-in-law (yes his sister's husband even get to weigh in on our marriage), and not his children, and that he should tell his family either respect her or leave us all alone, again promises made, promises broken.

When I say I am belittled weekly, that is exactly what I mean, weekly, at least twice a week Mike's mom emails me to remind me what a failure I am in all aspects of Mike's life.

The funny thing is, it is as though Mike's family does not want him, however they do not want him to be happy, and they dont want anyone else to love him...it is so strange.

And I know you do not mean to be so cold, I never took it that way, I see as you telling me to take off the rose colored glasses and see the situation for what it really is, the only problem being I love him so much and I actually feel sorry for him for the way his family is trying to make him choose sides...Is that crazy?

Are you able to support yourself?

I've been the wicked step monster ... I'm the disciplinarian in our house, the one with consistent boundaries and rules ... but never, ever have my kids or my in-laws or even my WH (who is currently a big jerk) been so disrespectful.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship at all with the step kids -- even though you raised them for a while. So what would happen if you just detach from them? (I'm not sure about your feelings for them, so forgive me if that sounds too harsh. I'd scream if anyone suggested such a thing about my step-kids.)

What would happen if you just smiled and said "No."?

I don't know if it would work, but I imagine you putting the biggest smile in your voice that you can and saying "No, honey, remember, we agreed not to send money until your son says thank you. As long as he continues to be hateful and call me names, I won't be doing anything to reward that behavior. You're sure free to send him money if you want to, though."

Make it your H's problem. He can't do that from overseas? Guess he needs to start getting on his sons case, or son has to find a new way to get money, then. You get to be sweet as pie since it's not your problem.

If your H threatens divorce, and would allow someone to abuse you so badly instead of protecting you, then do you really want him as a husband, anyway?

How about "MIL (SIL, BIL, step-child, whoever), I won't listen to you continue to trash me or call me names. Please don't contact me unless you have something kind to say."

Then block her e-mail. Screen her calls and don't pick up. If she wants to complain to your H that you aren't taking her abuse, then let her. I'm sure he'll get tired of hearing it from her very soon.

And you just get to say "Oh, sweetie, how sad that your mother keeps harassing you with such hateful calls and e-mails." Then you're on his side -- against his mother.

Let your H make all the arrangements and take care of things with his kids. If he wants to give them things, then he will have to do it. You don't respond to or reward people who call you names. Let you MIL sit by herself in her own hatefulness ... don't even listen to it or respond. She can think all the horrible things about you that she wants -- she's not who you're married to. What she thinks doesn't matter.

Think it would work?

This part has really been bugging me. I don`t know you or your H, all I know of you is what you are posting here but from my objective view point it would seem to me that you are being used.

The bio Mom is unable to care for the kids, the bio Dad is unable to care for the kids, his family is unable to care for the kids.....they have been dumped on you. And for added convience because of your role as a step parent....you can be blamed by all concerned for those children`s issues.

You are the scapegoat/doormat here. Of course your self esteem is erroded because you have been put into a no win situation.

The bio parents cannot/will not assume their responsabilities. What would they do if you weren`t around?

You are correct...you are not being respected. For your H to have asked you to "allow" the bio Mom to move back in with him and the kids while you were separated indicates a colossal lack of respect.

It seems that no one in the family has the least bit of an inkling about setting or respecting boundaries. Not Mike, not the kids, not his family and not even you.

I feel sorry for those kids, I feel sorry for you. I think the only chance that you have to fix this huge mess would be to find another home for the children for the time being. When Mike gets home the two of you need to get some family/marriage counselling TOGETHER, get your marriage on solid footing and then allow the children back home with the provision that Mike be the responsible parent till the last kid leaves the nest.

I don`t know if this would be feasible or not but it seems to me the only option you have got if you wish to save this marriage.

Your H and his family are not going to respect you until you respect yourself.

More than able, and I have talked to Mike about divorce, just this morning at 2am (EST). He proceeded to tell me he would take half of all my retirement from my former airlines job, and now I am in my second career, so I dont know anymore....I really just dont know.

Discuss this with a lawyer. Give one a call tomorrow, set up an appointment so you will be better informed of your rights. Don`t let your H bully you.

Could you find another place for the children for the time being? Gather all the info you can on all of your options before you make any decisions.

Daisy,

That is exactly what I told the counselor just Tuesday, how can I expect anyone to respect me when I have allowed myself, and college educated, traveled the world many times over woman, to be treated the way I have for the past four years. I am trying now to "LOVE and RESPECT" myself again, yet I feel like a failure to Mike's kids. I guess I thought if I could provide them with some stability, a normal life, a mother figure that everything would be fine, and I do feel so USED...if only words could describe how used I feel. As I said I gave up my career, to stay at home with Mike's daughter, because I felt she needed that. ANd if I was not around, the oldest son, Jamie, the 19 yro at college, would be taking care of the two younger ones, and he stays in more trouble than a little bit. The BIO mother still takes no responsibility, and the grandparents (Mike's parents) and their aunt and uncle fill their head with you dont have listen to the stepmother, even though I am the one taking care of them.

As for the phone call regarding the ex-wife moving in with Mike and the kids (and this home was the home we bought together after getting married so in essence it was still my home) I thought maybe she could rebuild her relationship, I thought all of Mike's childrens issues were my fault and if they saw I was trying to help them I would be cut some slack. However the more I thought about this over the course of the next few days, the more I realized how very stupid I would be to allow something like that to happen, I realized then I must be absolutely crazy. And you say I have no respect for myself, boy is that understatement, At the time of that phone call I had no self respect, and still struggle at times to find that now.
And Mike allows the behavior to happen. I can not tell you how many times a day (today) his ex-wife calls just to antagonize me, and still he does nothing.

You know that old saying, if only I knew then what I know now....

And yes you can sign me the DOORMAT.....that is a very good description of my life at this time.

As for the MIL she is a very twisted person, infact when I married Mike, Mike's sister who is also a troublemaker, told me to weary of their mother, sh eliked to cause trouble...whew what an understatement. SO I have tried the block emails, she send certified letters to our home, I have quit taking her calls, she has even called my parents home before to tell my parents how bad I am. She is relentless. She went sofar as to tell mIke if he did not divorce me she would cut himout of her will and he would get nothing, and for all I know she probably has done this.

The really sad part is Mike's mother or his sister really care nothing about him, and they want no one else to care about him either. This is one mixed up, crazy strange off the wall family. Mike's kids care very little for him, the only time the oldest one, Jamie, contact Mike is when he needs money.

Storied I could tell, this MB is only the half of them.

More than able, and I have talked to Mike about divorce, just this morning at 2am (EST). He proceeded to tell me he would take half of all my retirement from my former airlines job, and now I am in my second career, so I dont know anymore....I really just dont know.


Peace of mind is worth more than all the money in the world
True or false ?

Do you need any more proof of what Mike is than what you wrote there? Or perhaps I should say ~WHAT MIKE IS NOT~

I'm thinking of possible ways to solve this.

Have you adopted Mikes kids?
If not, take them to their mothers house, and leave them. You have no legal responsiblilty for them.

Or take them to Mother in law's, and leave them with this note "Here they are, have a great time. I'm sure Mike will pick them up when he gets home."

I'm teasing, but only half teasing.

I agree with Daisy. Call a lawyer and find out your rights. Having all the facts makes decision making much easier.

A lawyer may be able to point out things you haven't thought of, or may not realize.

Fanty - you are a strong person, but you shouldn't have to be holding this mess up. It's time to turn it over to him to hold for a while. At the least, I suggest separation until he makes a decision to support you, but as long as this has been going on, I think he has already shown his true colors.

I undrestand you love him, I understand you want to help.

Have you been able to make a difference so far?

Do you honestly see any thing that makes you believe it will change in the future?

If it doesn't change, will you stay?

Think on these questions. You may already have your answer, but not know it yet.

I encourage you to have hope. If not for your relationship with Mike, for you .......... for your dreams to come true anyway, even with out him.

One more caution.

Sometimes when we have been taunted, we think we loose if we walk away from the problem.

I don't believe getting out of a Loose/Loose situation is bad. I think we win when we realize what is best for us, and seek that better life.

You used to know who you are and now you doubt. I think you still do know if you take a little time to think..........and remember.

That person you really are........ can figure out what to do. She has faith in herself.

I promise you are as good as you once believed you were. Don't be afraid to trust your own judgement.

Also realize people care about you, you don't have to be in this by your self.

Come by as often as you need to.

SS

I was writing while you were -

If MIL is this bad, you should seek a restraining order. I am NOT kidding this time.

Talk to a lawyer, see what your rights are. You need protection.

SS