Hi All,

Well the WS wants to move back in and thought I'd make a quick list of all my boundaries or conditions of accepting him to come back. Please give me your feedback on what I've written so far:

My conditions for you returning to live back at our house

I can’t control what you do or don’t do, but I do have the option of accepting/not accepting the disrespect that you show me. If you break one or more of these, I have the right to ask you to move out, no questions asked.

1. Return to your Tuesday SAA night class – no excuses for missing
2. Weekly individual and couples counseling
3. Stop ALL contact with your female friends (no lunch (after work, dinner) “get-togethers”, no calls, no text messages, no pictures, no emails, no communication - nothing) unless it has to do with work and nothing but work talk.
4. Stop drinking/going out with your male friends (e.g. after games) unless prior arrangements have been made.
5. Come straight home, no giving rides home to your friends. If they want a taxi, let them pay for it.
6. Delete phone numbers, pictures, text messages – I want password to your voicemail.
7. Give me your other cellphone or cancel it since there is no need for it.
8. All money (including second job) will be direct deposited in an account and accounted for, any expenses will be charged on credit card
9. Continue going to our Saturday dialogue classes
10. Go get a “check up”
11. If any intimacy is to happen now or in the future, precautions need to be taken as I’m off the pill
12. ABSOLUTELY no lying under any circumstances, every time caught in a lie it will be exposed (e.g. in dialogue)
13. Our relationship will be the center of everything, so everyone/everything else will take a backseat
14. We will be reading/educating ourselves every night
15. Need to be proactive – you have a problem and you need to find a solution yourself. You need to want it, not me spoon feeding you information.
16. Gambling/borrowing money will be limited as any money that needs to be withdrawn will require an explanation (truth).

I have more, but I feel like I'm lecturing a child. Any suggestions or is this how this boundary thing works? Any and all input is greatly appreciated.

wow enough...

that's a pretty tough list...

why does your husband want to come home...
and before you say a peep about what is on this list to him...


what has he offered you
what has he brought to the table....

ARK

Well basically he says he's "changed". He's moved out for like 4 months and had the run of the young and single life = midlife. I kind of brought some of these things up, when we first talked (e.g. no more going out with friends and such) and he said he was willing to do this. But the bad thing is he still has contact with his female friends. I don't know to what extent and he doesn't yet know I know (I just saw one of his phone bills). Should I ask what he offers me first? That's a tough question too to ask and what is it that I'm expecting or should hear? All I can hear him saying is "love". He already said he wants to come home because he misses me and loves me and can't live without me. You know, the typical answer. Please give me more feedback. Thanks!

saying he has changed means nothing..

you keep your cards close to your chest...

you ask..

WHAT does an intimate respectful marriage LOOK like to you...

and
HOW do two people create a respectful loving marriage

enough already..
you gotta ask yourself what you want in a marriage as well

you also have dig deep and decide if he is capable of such a thing...

ARK

Yes, I know his saying he's changed means nothing. I fell for it the first time. I know a marriage requires respect which builds love first and foremost (which is based on my conditions set above). To date, I know he isn't capable of doing this based on what he did. I am of the thinking that if someone really wants to change, they will. I know he has a problem or a sex addiction, because he can't stop and even risks losing his job as well as me (he goes on his trysts during his lunch hour or while at work). I thought us being separated for 4 months would've made him think and have a greater appreciation of our relationship. Right now, he has shown to be dialoguing nightly and attending our Retrouvaille weekend meetings. I really have been so confused after finding out about his double life. His words sometimes are sincere, but then I always think he's doing this or saying that just to please me if you know what I mean.

I know he has a problem or a sex addiction, because he can't stop

of course he can stop...
he may not know how to..

I would suggest that attending an EVERY MANS BATTLE workshop would be priority...before stepping a foot in the door..

with a mens accoutability group...

ark

Where do I get information on this and do I suggest it to him? I know it's bad to spoonfeed people, but I was the one that showed him about the Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting and he was attending that for a while and then quit. I read somewhere else to read up on www.recoverynation.com which I thought I'd suggest and I'm doing my part on it also. I even thought of a SA counselor. There's just so much and is it bad to offer him the idea? He is usually willing to go, but once again he will recover only if he wants to and isn't pushed.

By the way, he isn't religious either which he tunes out on those parts already when we go to Retrouvaille.

http://www.everymansbattle.com/

enough...
this is nothing about spoonfeeding him anything..

he can choose to go or not to go....

my advice is not one step in the door...

1. TILL YOU are stronger and are not so afraid to ask or suggest things...

you sound way to vulnerable and not strong enough to resist him bulldozing you right over....

and
2.till he attends something like this...

ARK

The only bad thing about this seems that it hits up on the religious aspect of it too much. He's given up on his religion and seems to tune out when it comes up in Retrouvaille. The next date in our area is in like 4 months. Is it bad to have someone move in even if in separate rooms? Currently, he's living with two twenty-something guys (he's 39 next month). It's just going to prolong the recovery if he's just being tempted daily. It's sometimes hard to do the whole dialogue thing nightly too since he does live about 40 minutes away and he gets out of work at 9 pm. He occasionally sleeps over on the couch when it gets too late. That's why I had developed these boundaries also, that he could choose to follow all my conditions or not but he won't be moving in. I did tell him that I'm only doing this Retrouvaille thing until it's over (end of October) and if nothing changes, that I'm out. I do feel a bit stronger and am getting there little by little every day. I know now that I can live without him and any little slip up and he's out for good.

enoughalready..

I would accept no excuses from him..

if he wants you and the marriage of your dreams..

he's gonna have to fight for it..

period....

ARK

Thanks, that's very well said! Thanks again for all of your bright insight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] in this situation

YES

bad
very bad

it will drive YOU nuckin'futz ~and~ it will put YOU into the "momma-police-jailer" role .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> phooey!

then he can justify his behaving like a bad-little-boy and YOU get to be the demanding-joyless-nag-of-a-wife ....

just say HEII NO !!!!

You want a man/husband .... not a little boy who needs supervision...

this is, as always, just my opinion

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep


[/color]

IMVHO
Some of those are conditions for him moving in and not boundries.

A boundry can be crossed with incremental enforcement of the boundry. When it is crossed you should not go into the get out now mode.

I believe you have every right to the conditions you have asked for.

If he wants this M then he has to prove it to you. I have looked at my M and the recovery I am trying to work through and the amount my FWW is remorseful and repentant and the way she ACTS on those feelings tells me how much she value's this M.

If your FWH value's this M and in turn you he should do almost anything you want within reason to win you back. Not as a punishment but as a consequence for his actions.

The less he has to do the less value he may place on you and the M.

I read from Andre Agassi and I have used it a lot here.

"The value of something is not based only on what you might gain but what you might lose."

I want my fWW to think long and hard before she makes a decesion that would cause her to lose me. If she doesn't value me or the M the decesion might not work out to great for me.

Thanks so much for all of the great information! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ark -


Sorry, I sternly disagree with this advice.

If he has a sexual addiction he needs real help - not a pep talk.

Do you think it would help him to hear "just bounce your eyes" away from a woman?

Nope.

Get a real diagnosis and real mental health advice. Not pretenders.

Those nutters are quacks. Period.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks, I was considering that real help (SA counselor) should be a first step and then go from there especially since he's not really religious either.

Thanks again!