I have read at marriage builders for about a year now and am now taking the time to finally post. I have never done anything like this before but I am getting desperate and since there seems to be a lot of wise people on this board, I am willing to take any advice in stride.

I have been married for 10 years. We have two small children. I have moved all around the world with him. He is in the military and it is his career.

So what's the problem? Well it all comes down to sex. He wants it every day, every hour, every minute. At first I tried to keep up with him but in the last four or five years I have really just stopped and now it is down to 2 or 3 times a week. He grabs at me non stop, makes sexual comments 24 hrs a day. I feel literally like I am sexually harassed in my own home. I can't stand him to even touch me any longer because I really feel like all he sees me as is a hole. Not to sound so graphic but that is how I feel. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to even hold his hand or rub his back while sitting with him on the couch because I can't do any of these things without him demanding sex for turning him on. Affection is non existant in this house. Foreplay is a joke.

Other problems include I am a stay at home mom. He throws this in my face quite a bit that I do not work or bring any money home. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and caring for our two kids. If I ask him to bathe them he demands sex for a payment. You get the idea. Also I am to listen to all his problems and back him on everything, be his best friend but when I want to vent he usually blows me off and says it's your own fault, you should have (fill in the blank).

Well now it looks like my own business is going to take off a little and he is getting antsy. He is ordering me to put any money I make into accounts for the children. (I have no problem with putting money away for my kids, it's just the fact that he ordered me to do this that sets my teeth on edge). I also want to start school soon and he is balking at that as well. It doesn't matter to me. I have to get some type of degree in case I ever walk away from this marriage.

He has been deployed now for almost 6 months and is coming home soon. It has been peaceful and we get along wonderfully through our phone calls and emails. As time creeps closer, he has begun to make all kinds of sexual comments to me via email and phone and it just disgusts me. I don't want him sexually.

Also he looks at porn, puts it on disks, you name it he is into it. Not fun knowing I am compared to these beautiful naked women. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I love him, I consider him to be my dear friend but I do not want him in any sexual way.

What is wrong with me and how can I do to get my sex drive back????

Thanks in advance to any help anyone can give me.

there is nothing wrong with you...

there are warning flags all about you based on his behavior and budding need to control any independance you have....

are you stationed presently somewhere where you can get outside help on this...
I think you are gonna need it..

ARK

Tired,
Your description of your husband matches that of someone who objectifies women-who sees them not as real people having feelings, but instead as objects to meet his desires. There is plenty on the internet describing sex addiction, perhaps a google search would turn up some good info. You are locked in a downward spiral, the more he wants it the less you feel like giving, so the more he demands, and the less you offer.......and it gets worse and worse.You can get started by reading on the internet, but will probably need come professional help.

No, nothing around here like that. He won't go MC and says that counseling is a joke.

I would really like to try everything I can but sometimes, like today, I feel like just going to school, finishing my degree and leaving.

I know what his reaction would be, that is the main reason why I am trying really hard to change how I am. I just don't know what else I can do. I can't force myself to be sexually receptive towards him. I have tried and failed.

Thank you for the fast response.

Thank you, I will do a search on sexual addictions and see what I come up with. I appreciate your help.

I think you should seek out a womens shelter for their resources and a plan..
some women make 3-4 year plans...
but you always need a plan....

Sorry

Just had a funny thought

hope you don't mind but if you are going to stick around long enough to get a degree then you'll need ideas

What about investing in retraints, tie him up and then make him talk and wait. Maybe even watch a movie or two. He may get off on it AND you get more of a connection the way you want it. You take control.

I know it might be a silly idea but it came to me as a way you can take control that may be mutually satisfying.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W.,
I think that your idea is a little over the top, and it doesn't sound like tired113 is into this sort of thing... (but I could be wrong)...
but in a less Master and Servant way, tired113 could experiment with some other approaches....

like telling the hubby that he can't have sex with you until you've already had an O. That way if he can't deliver the goods, he can't "do it", and if he can, well, he earns it. Over time, this type of condition will make him think less about just "getting his" and more about what it means to be a lover. You know what,.... don't listen to me or Mr. W. we're not very helpful here.

LOL thanks for the chuckles!

Mr. W, I did the role plays years ago to try to satisfy him but now I am tired. I would just like to have him not touch me at all. That isn't feasible in a normal marriage. I need the tools to know how to speak to him without him doing the usual bit of threatening divorce or getting defensive.

Hearts, I would be game for more sex if I did O every time or even every ten times but he says he literally can not wait on me to 'finish'. Very frustrating.

Ark, I am trying to come up with a plan. I am working to get started on getting my LPN, been on the phone all day with different schools in the area trying to figure out where and what I need to do.

In any account, I know working outside the home will give me some self confidence and I won't feel so totally dependent on him. Of course this takes a year to complete so in the mean time I am banging my head against the wall trying to figure out how to make him see me as more of a person.

I have been looking up sexual addicts and this stuff fits him to a T. Now I doubt that he would admit it but just the things I am reading on how I play a role in this is amazing, a real eye opener.

Tired,
My husband and I first tried IC, but it didn't work very well. Then we found a free website that had lessons for both the SA and the partner of the SA. At first he did them only because I insisted-he thought the reason for our trouble was his very high sex drive, and my unwillingless to satisfy him. So he started just to appease me, but about halfway through really began to open his eyes and change his behaviour. The difference has been wonderful. I only wish we did not have to deal with infidelity too, but we are working through it and things are improving with the help of the MB concepts and the SA website.

tired,

Are you involved with someone else? Not necessarily sexually, but, is there someone else? Is he married?

As for your husband, honestly, well... I would try and see if he has been hitting the porn. But, perhaps there is a bigger issue, and I think there may be.... another guy in your life?

Starting again, Where can I find this site that you are talking about? Sounds like something to look into.

RookKev,
No there is no one else. If I can't be turned on by my own husband I don't think that going out and trying to find someone else could be my solution.
My husband has always looked at porn and when I have caught him I do tend to get upset, degraded, etc. He then tries harder to hide it from me but when I found a book of CD's just filled with porn pictures it just disgusted me.

the site is recoverynation.com.

starting over, thank you for the site. I will definitely look into it today.

I appreciate all the replies I have gotten, thank you all very much for taking the time to write back.

tired113, you might want to post this same question over on the Emotional Needs board. The GQII board focuses mainly on infidelity (don't know if that's why Rookkev asked that question about someone else, but I suspect maybe that is why).

The EN board has a lot of posters with experience on SA, differing drives, and what not, and some of the people who post there don't come here that often. Just a thought.

I would think that the military would offer some services that would be of help. It's the least they can do for the sacrifices military families make for our country.

Good luck!

GBH, Thank you for the suggestion. I just posted this over there as well. I didn't realize this was for infidelity mainly, I am sorry.

The military offers some marriage counseling but going by myself seems kind of odd. I can't keep this marriage together alone but it certainly has felt like that is what I have been doing.

Hopefully he will look at that site with me and be willing to discuss our problems when he comes home.

Thank you for the reply.

tired,
No I'm suggesting that he deliver the O before he gets to use his Johnson... tongue action... if he really wants to have so much sex, let him earn it.. and at your end, hey there are worse ways to spend your time..... Just tell him, "You can have sex with me anytime your want, as long as you give me an orgasm before you stick it in" One of two things will happen (he'll either start delivering the O or you'll get a break from feeling like a blow up doll) and you'll be pleased with either scenario...

OK, stop listening to me.
HS

I'm in agreement with the others about sexual addiction. www.RECOVERYNATION.COM has some good information. Also, www.SEXHELP.COM, which is Patrick Carnes website. Dr. Carnes is the author of several books on sex addiction, such as OUT OF THE SHADOWS. Having deal with my own addiction and working with others on their addiction I really do think that is your husbands problem. It isn't sex he is interested in, it's really changing his mood through sex that he is interested in. Sex addicts are dealing with emotional problems and sex becomes a symptom of the problem. Sex addicts are trying to escape their emotions and sex becomes an outlet to do that. Read some of my posts on porn and it might help a little.

tired, your husbands problem is most likely the porn. He sees it and views it and it arouses him. He sits with it all day long...gnawing at his brain, feeding his desire. It then comes home with him, and there you are. He's been aroused all day.... I would suspect that is why he is groping you so much.

See if you can have a 'good' discussion around that. Who knows...

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