I am in tears.... it took me all day to decide to read it, I finally openned the email and sure enough, he wants what I thought he would. He wants his daughter. He wants to be in her life. He wants to be her father. He does not want me to keep her away from him anylonger. He is willing to do whatever possible to be with her.

I've been so torn over my decision of NC considering this is the only way H agrees to working on our M. Well, reading his heartbreaking email makes me doubt my decision.

Any "OM's" out there?? any "OC's" out there that can help me understand their point of view?

Oh and the fog was just lifting.... now I feel like I can even think again!! what is the "right" thing to do in situations like this??? where is the ANTI-FOG ANTI-OM pill I need to take?? HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!! how do I deal with the guilt??

Becca <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

what OM wants is not the issue

what is best for your child is far more important for discussion

a ton more important

until OM takes legal steps

IGNORE him

talk this over with your H

and.... NC with OM has nothing to do with whether or not OM sees the child ... transfers done NOT via YOU but via your HUSBAND <~~~ the man who loves Becca

Pep

this is a lie
OM made a baby with a MARRIED WOMAN <~~~ proof he is NOT a man of good character

the consequences of his poor choice is .... OM is not "Daddy" <~~~ Mr Becca is "Daddy"

OM is sperm donor

What is the absolute best for the baby? ~~~> living in Mr & Mrs Becca's intact loving home with siblings and not having to be someone's daughter on the weekends

IGNORE OM .... speak with H .... unless there is a court decision .... OM is and remains an interloper .... IGNORE OM!

Pep

How did he send you an E mail?

Why did you read it?

I assume that you have not shown it to your H. More secrecy?

I think you already know that the person to read this should have been him and not you.

Why is it the OM/OC perspective that you are seeking?

Think about this. Really think about it.

Why?

You know...the people that you seek out for answers are often the ones you believe will agree with what you have already decided...so it's very telling that you are seeking OMs and saying...what is the right thing to do?

The truth is..you don't NEED OMs point of view because he does not count.

Hurtfull? Yes. True? Yes.

He volunteered to be in this position...he volunteered to take this risk and the losses.

Your children did not [including OC]...your h did not...they are NOT volunteers..they are the victims of your poor decisions/selfishness and OMs.

Your H has stated that he is willing to welcome OC into his family and raise the child together with the children of the marriage...to bond with it and love it as his own.

The magnitude of generosity here is astounding.

Perhaps you have become so entitled in your thinking that it escapes you just how MUCH he is giving you with this...how vulnerable he is choosing to be.

His only request/boundary is that his rapist does not get to play Daddy as well and be involved in his life any further.

That is a GOOD and WISE boundary for all of the children and adults involved.

OM is a foolish/selfish child...you have been foolish/selfish with him.

As recently as a few days ago you realized that there could NEVER be a future with OM.

Then he snapped his fingers and you came running..bypassed all appropriate gates and jumped the fence.

Consequently you are now in turmoil. This too shall pass IF you make the right decision...and make it again...and again.

This email changes nothing M...nothing at all...it's a breach of NC and all the fun that implies.

McBecca, bloke his email, change your email, change your phone numbers. Do whatever you need to do to go back to NC and tell your husband. Please! OM just wants his piece of *ss, not OC

Here's the first thing Becca. There are rules for no contact, and they're for your benefit. They also help your marriage---but they're primarily for your recovery. Because you're an addict. The biochemical rush you get from your affair is similar to mainlining heroin. You have to stay away. You need to say to yourself: "no contact". No matter what. You do it not because it feels right (because it won't until you come clean)---you do it because someone told you to. Bill Harley, Pepper, K, JL, God---whoever you listen to, you need to do this. You should block his email, or hand it over to your husband unread.



OK, now the OM wants something. Hey---there's a surprise! Does he want what's best for you? Does he want what's best for your family? For this little girl and the rest of the children?? Nope---he sends you a "woe is me---I'm the poor disguarded OM" letter. And you've been sucked in.

I'd love to provide you a "win-win" situation for you---where everyone can be happy and live in harmony. Guess what---it's not going to happen. I could count the number of successes I've seen one hand in which all parties (OP, spouses, and kids) are involved in active. And that's after I stick my hand in the wood chipper up to my elbow!

Your best bet for happiness is working on your marriage, and doing it together in a way that ensures that you and your husband are putting each other's best interests at the forefront of the marriage. You really need to be working with a marriage counselor NOW (888-639-1639 for appointments). You don't have a lot of time to screw around making decisions and putting this crap off.

Dumping husband, leaving your husband's biological kids with him (or fighting for custody, and running to "Mr. Selfless"... that doesn't really sound like an attractive scenario.



Here's the deal, Becca. You will have guilt for this decision for the rest of your life. It will get better. Hopefully---it'll get a lot better for you. My wife lives with this guilt and it has done a lot to damage certain aspects of our marriage---but it's something that she has to work out for herself. But you're going to have guilt no matter what decision you make. The real issue is how do you be successful---personally, as well as successful for your children and your marriage. When you stand back and look at the options you have, your best bet (by far) is to work on the marriage with your H, and deal with the OM together (he will likely go away), and raise your kids in a loving environment.

Does the OM get hurt? Yeah. But he was doing stupid, dangerous things. In the big picture---this is the right decision for the majority involved.

Call the Harleys. You're going to need help with this.

Becca <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

And married woman made a baby with the OM. It is a two way street and this man deserves to see his child.

I suggest that you work on a schedule through an attorney that will allow him to do just that.

You unfortunately engaged in an activity that can leave this man with a limited role in your families life for the next 18 years.

Anyone that says that what is best for this child is NOT seeing the father shows no respect for the role of a father.... and like it or not, he is more than a sperm donor... just like this poster is more than an egg donor.

The consequences of her poor choice is that she will eventually be forced, if the father chooses to, to allow for the child to know its father. Unless there is a safety reason why this should not happen, that process should begin immediately.

I am a man that was denied rights when my son was born. He was kept from me for 17 months and let me tell you... that went over like a ton of bricks with the judge... and now my son resents her too. Now I was not involved with a married woman... so it is not the same situation... but in the eyes of the law... you both created this mess and he, the father, has rights... and frankly, he should stand up for them. BTW, I have full custody of my now 10 year old son.

So, PB, your view is exceptionally disrespectful to the father... and unless this man has every intention of relinquishing his parental RIGHTS....it is harmful to the child too. The earlier that child becomes involved in his life the better. And early bond will result in a much better outcome.

I am not certain about this

and it may matter on the state

however if McBecca delivers the baby as a married woman

and husband acknowledges the baby on the birth certificate as his

nothing OM can do can force a paternity case

in the eyes of the law

the baby is Mr. McBecca's

period

Mr. McBecca IS the father

OM is out of luck

Speak to an attorney in your state

Mr. Wondering

so, use the law to lie and continue her deceit??? Hmm, it would appear to me that the W has already informed the OM that he is the father... that she has already told him that the paternity test proved that the baby is not the H's. That would seem to be an isue clouding this up. In addition, I would venture a guess that there has been some written communication to the OM regarding the baby.
I would suggest an honest approach here that repects the role of the father. If you can't... then ask him if he would like full custody and allow him to raise the child without you. Sound distasteful??? Well, that is what you would be doing to him... heck, in our wacked out country, you don't even need a fathers permission before killing his baby... so why should you bother to consider his rights as a dad when it comes to seeing his baby.

Do the right thing...there are ways to have NC and still make this work.

This OM willingly and by choice (and many choices WERE available to him like maybe wearing a condom) choose to be a sperm donor.

He just didn't put the donation in a cup.

So are OC's of actual sperm donor origin, adopted children or even children of rape for that matter better off knowing their biological fathers?? (remember, the child can be told the truth someday and choose to meet his biological father later in life just like any adopted or other OC)

This OC will have a father, if Mr. McBecca nobley chooses to accept such resposibility

A decent man that didn't choose to have unprotected sex with a married woman. IMO, the best choice.

BTW, OM wasn't trapped by Mrs. McBecca. He was a willing participant KNOWING full well the risk of having unprotected sex. He's a big boy...he can handle the consequences of such imprudence.

Besides, it's likely the law. OM likely has no choice in the matter and IMO, McBecca is FAR better off staying with her God given husband and raising this child and her other children all together in one single family.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W... she knew the consequences too... and from what I read of their story... she was the issue here... she was playing both her H and this guy and stringing them both along while she made up her mind. Many choices were available to this married woman while she was screwing this single man too. She could have used the pill... insisted on a condom, etc. She's a big girl and candle the consequences too.... funny though, I doubt she will be handing over custody of the child anytime soon.

The rape analogy is way off base here. He was not a sperm donor... a sperm donor signs a waiver... unless this woman had him do so, he is the biological father and I hope he pursues his rights to the fullest extent of the law.

So, why shouldn't she give up the baby to him???? Bottom line is, the father gets the raw end of the stick..and the child too.... because at 18, if he is told of her indescretion, he has already been robbed of the chance to know his father.



Do you know the OM? Do you know the lies he was told by this WW??? Do you know the BH? You are making a lot of assumptions here. I can make a strongere case that the Bio-dad would be a better choice since it would exclude a woman that doesn't put her family first in her decisions. She was a married woman that broke vows to her H and family... yet she gets to choose whether this man sees his baby... I think not... and even if the law says so, it is wrong. Mr. W, you know full well that laws in family courts have been traditionally out of balance in favor of a mother... this is just another potential example of that wacky non-system.

Well, fortunately in this instance, I believe the state (and I could be wrong about McBecca's state) values the institution of marriage more than the biological rights of adulterous men.

It's likely Mr. McBecca's call.

If OM was permitted any rights the McBecca marriage would nearly undoubtedly end at some point in time. Then everybody loses. OM, Mr. and Mrs. McBecca, OC and the prior children of the marriage. OC can meet his bio father someday.

Mr. Wondering

So, why shouldn't this woman that showed no respect to her marriage, her family and most likely the OM... who by the way, was not married.... give up the child to the father?

She is the one that has proven herself unfit to be an unfit parent... even if only during the time of her A. Did she lie to the OM and tell him her M was over... most likely from reading her story. OC can also certainly meet his bio mom some day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I truly hope this man fights her tooth and nail to get to see his child... actually, I hope the fight is not even needed and that she does the right thing and lets this baby that she made with her A partner the ability to know his biological father. If she doesn't, shame on her.

Impregnating a woman does not a father make.

Mr. McBecca's wife is pregnant, thus, it IS his child

This isn't a matter of bias in the courts.

It's state law

Enacted by your elected representatives

It's Mr. McBecca's call. To be clear I am uncertain but I believe if he puts his name on the birth certificate then OM is out, forever.

I fully understand your thinking here.

and I agree it's not totally fair

but I think in most situations it's for the best that a firm, unconvoluted, truncated decision is codified by statute clearly defining the rights of the parties.

If you disagree then change the law.

Or sue and likely lose...quickly and quietly

Power to the people

Mr. Wondering

MEDC - you argue with a passion for the rights of an intruder to make off with his spoils!

I speak as the daughter of such a relationship! You can read my story on the pregnancy board if you care to. To me, the OM was an intruder in my parents marriage - yes, the door was unlocked by my mother and the thief was let in.

But in any court of law, that home was still violated by a man who had no right to be there and has no claim on the property of that home! No matter how passionately he believes he has rights...

Biology does not a fit father make. And this man needs to be shut out - and the law allows it.

And yes, this bio daughter knows who MM was - he died when I was 8; I grew up best friends with someone my mother believes to be my half-sister. Twisted little web! The truth is that the man who raised me is my father - legally, morally - if not biologically.

I hope this repentant FWW holds to a moral code now that instills a similar belief in her child. But this man has no caring for the child or he would not be asking what he's asking!

To me the question is what's best for the baby, and the family.

I see no way at all that it's best for the baby to have two families.

MEDC are you suggesting it's best that she divorce and leave the family she already has, and go with OM.

It looks to me like the advice you are giving is not at all good for her, for the baby.

I don't understand your advice at all from the stand point of family stability.

SS

I'll agree to disagree with you here. I hope this woman sees that she has an obligation to her baby and to his bio father. I hope she lives up to that obligation no matter what the laws or courts say. Having lived through not seeing my child... and knowing full well the impact it has on him... I think this father should be involved in his child's life. I understand your point... but I do not see it the same way that you do. I think the OM was most likely duped by this woman... just like she duped her H.. and that he suffers a loss because of her deception (and their failure to use protection). If her H wishes to break up their family because the bio dad is seeing the kid, that is his choice to make... it would be a shame... but that is a consequence of her actions and not the father wanting to have a relationship with his baby. JMHO.

And you argue with a passion for a woman that betrayed her vows and her current family to walk off with the spoils. Your position has no more merit... why should the mom have custody... because she has boobs? Reproductive rights in this country are all out of whack.... dads get shafted everyday because we don't carry the children. Millions of babies get slaughtered without the consent of a father and fathers are denied access to children they fathered because the laws protect the woman... not the child.

Biology does not a fit mother make either... nor does anatomy!

MEDC...

Do you recognize that you are arguing from the position of an OM just as McBecca asked? She will be glad for your input on this one...I have to be honest and tell you that I am shocked by your point of view here...I'm really struggling to see where your coming from on this one...

Mrs. W