I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me. He says he's been unhappy in our marriage for a year and has been cheating with one woman for about 3 months. He says he's done with me and our marriage and doesn't want it to work out. Apparently she makes him so much happier than I do. There are 2 things that neither of us understand: 1)I'm not mad at him for the infidelity and want to work things out 2)He's not remorseful for cheating on me. But I believe in our marriage and I think I could learn to trust him again. What he's doing to me is so unfair and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the pain and confusion. He never told me he was unhappy and now he won't let me or us work on our marriage. He plans on filing in 3 weeks and I don't have any choice but to go along with it, but I need him to change his mind in the 3 weeks that I've got left and make him fall in love with me again. Can anyone help me and tell me what to do? I feel like my life is over.

stph, welcome to MB. Click on the link in my sig line and read up. Now, how old are you and your H? How long have you been married? Any kids and how old?

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm glad you found us. Your husband is acting like they all do. If you read here, you will see the same story, over and over.

Read up on Plan A. That is the starting point. But it won't work in 3 weeks.

If you don't want a divorce, don't cooperate.

Also exposing the affair is the quickest way to end it. Have you exposed it? You should expose at work, if they work together, to his and your family, and to the other woman's husband or family.

Welcome! I'm sorry that you are here for this purpose, and all of your pain and hurt.

Try to stay calm, we'll help the best way we can. Faithful is great!

Provide a background on your relationship history. Paint a picture so that the folks here can best address your worries. You have come to the right place.

Mr. G

Thank you all for the advice so far. My husband and I are both 26 years old (he's almost 27). We've been married almost 4 years, together for 7 years. No kids, just a dog and cat.
If Plan A won't work in 3 weeks, what can I do? I don't think I even understand how Plan A works. He will not stop talking to/kissing her (he has agreed to not having sex anymore with her) no matter what I say.
The sad part is, everyone knows about it. They do work together, and everyone at his job knows, and both of our families know and all of our friends know. Still hasn't stopped.

Have you asked all those that you've exposed to to HELP you end the affair? They can do this...by making it clear that they do NOT approve of what he's doing, by limiting his chances of going with her, by showing him what will result if he continues to do this. What have they said to him about it? And what have they said to you?

Read up on plan A. Start taking care of yourself. Start making the changes that you feel you need to do in order to make your marriage a better place for both of you.

Make it clear to him just how much his continued contact with her hurts you. Let him know that you are NOT ok with it, and that you're NOT willing to sit here indefinitely and accept it.

Is SHE married? If so, has this been exposed to her H? With the same goal...to get him to put pressure on her to end the affair.

We met 7 years ago when we were both 19, after a year and a half, we moved in together and a couple months later we became engaged. We were both still at home when we met, so we've never been out in the world without each other. 3 years after being together we were married. Living together was easy at first. Then we started fighting. I told him later that I wasn't happy when we got married. That really hurt him, because now, he keeps bringing that up. We had a lot of financial worries which led to arguments and he has an obsession with stock car racing and I resented that because he would leave me home alone while he went and did that. I tried going with him during our 1st year together and I just didn't like it, so from then on I stayed home but wanted him to stay with me. That bothered him too (that I didn't share the interest). After our wedding, I was treated for depression and I never told my husband. But I didn't take the medication like I should have and it didn't work. But that's what led to a lot of our problems as well. I nit-picked everything and picked fights almost daily. Now I realize why. I went back to the doctor last week and got back on the medication. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago, out of the blue, he said he needed to think about things and later we talked and he said he wasn't happy and didn't want to work things out and he didn't love me anymore. So he went and stayed with his mom for a week. 2 days after he came home, he said he did want to work it out. About a week after that, I realized he wasn't working on our relationship at all and I confronted him about it and he said he just didn't want to be here and wanted out. That was when I really started suspecting an affair. 2 days later, he admitted it. Now he won't stop talking to her, and he says he hasn't been this happy in a long time. He thinks it will work out b/t them and I know that it won't and if he leaves me it'll be the biggest mistake of his life. But he's in that fog and won't see anything that I tell him. All he's seeing is the fighting that we did. And I know we didn't argue any more than any other couple. And all I'm seeing is all the good times we've shared. We have spent our entire adult lives together and I don't understand him just wanting to give that up without trying and fighting for it.

We don't really have mutual people that can help me. I have one friend that tried talking to him, but it didn't do any good. He still wants her and not me.

I told him that as long as we're still in the same house and married, I wanted him to stop seeing her. He said he would stop all physical activity but was still going to talk to her. I found out this past weekend that he's still kissing her.

She is not technically married, but is living with someone and they have a son together (whom I found out has met my husband and loves him!). I plan on calling him soon.

Don't wait on calling him.

What does his family say about his behavior? Did you tell them, or him?

Does his boss know what's going on? Have you specifically asked him if his company is condoning this affair that is going on AT THE WORK SITE? Have you considered going to his company's HR dept to see what their stance is?

His mom just told him to be careful, and she actually met this OW and told my husband that maybe they'll get along better since they're closer in age (OW is 35 with 8 year old son). He told her what he was doing.

His boss does know about it. They were told not to talk to each other during business hours, they were talking to each other too much and not getting any work done.

Stph,

""1)I'm not mad at him for the infidelity""

Sure you are!! The shock and trauma has not worn off as yet. You are laying flat on your back with a gaping steaming wound in your chest from which your heart has just been ripped!!

But you have to get mad to start FIGHTING for your M.

First thing is to stop the A. The best way to do that is to expose the A to all that matter to your H and to the OW. If she is married, go straight to her H with the proof you have. You have proof? correct?

You also really need to read up on plan A, exposure, and read His Needs Her Needs.

He is not remorseful because he is totally saturated in his addiction and has become an alien form in your H's body. This alien is from the mother ship of self-centered self gratification.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

You do not want the D? Then don't D!!!

Again any kids? How long married?

krk

No kids, married 4 years in Oct.

Stph,
""I plan on calling him soon""

CALL HIM NOW!!!

I am going to stay with a friend next week and I don't know if I should call him now while I'm at home with my H, or wait until then. He doesn't know I'm leaving, but I don't want to make things worse between us.

You are LEAVING??!! For how long?

This will harm the M MUCH more than exposing to the OW's live in. How can you plan A when you are not there?

Why would you want your H to have the freedom to access the OW that much more?

Something just does not ring true in your scenario.

Hmmmm, tell us more about your "friend".

I was going to leave for a week. I was going to go to work one night and not come home. I just wanted to be away from him and have him miss me. I thought that would work somehow.

I don't even UNDERSTAND Plan A yet, much less do it. And I don't have time to do it. I only have 3 weeks and my parents are trying to get me to file before he does. They don't want me to wait. They said even if I file and he changes his mind, its fine, nothings final until the papers are signed. I'm afraid to do ANYTHING because of it backfiring on me.

My friend is female, nothing to worry about there, I'm not playing his game.

Do you want a chance a saving your Marriage? If you can answer yes to this THEN don't wait another minute. You find this other man and father of their child, you call him, go see him or someway make immediate contact with him to let him know what's going on. He is your best chance at ending the affair. DO IT NOW if you want a chance.

don't worry about the resposne from WS. Steve Harley told me, R, your relationship can recover from a lot of things such as resentment, anger, frustration, dead feelings, and much more BUT it will never recover or have the chance to recover as long as there are three (3) people in it. You have to break up the affair.

Yes, I want to save my marriage and I want to call the boyfriend and tell him (although I think he knows too)but I'm scared and don't see how talking to him will make things better. I see myself calling him, him talking to her, her talking to my husband and my husband being irate with me and ending it right then and there. Explain to me how this will make it better. And how to react to my angrier husband when he finds out I called him.

what you don't understand (and frankly if you are mentally healthy will probably never understand) and will have to take other's word for it is that your WS is in an addictive relationship (yea, I couldn't believe it either and still don't know what to make of it) w/ this OW and she with him. They are crack addicts and the other one is the pipe. There is nothing you can say or do that will compare to the high they get from just gazing into one another's eyes, holding one another much less if the affair involves sex. they are soulmates. NOT, they are living the same fantasy that results in 95% of affair marriages and relationships ending on a sour note at some time. It's not real but it is to them. you have to take away the source of the addiction which is the affair and all of its newness and secrecy and "it feels so good to be bad" mantra, and on and on. the best way to do that is for both of them to have to face the possibility of moving on together without either of you and in her case perhaps without her son. they need a shot of reality to jolt them back from la la land into the real world of where relationships aren't perfect and they require work and sacrafice. If they work together tell the HR manager, your WS boss and her boss and any family members that may be of help (obviously the MIL is a fool). you cannot sit and do nothing while this addiction gains strength and the wave of euphoria becomes stronger and stronger.

Read what Steve Harley told me in my last post. He has saved thousands of marriages and relationships like this but not one has been saved where three people continued to participate.