Lexxxy

No, I'm sorry, I was actually looking for my thread to talk to you when I found your reply.

I've been posting in TKO. Go over there and read what's been going on and let me know what you think.

We talked on Sunday for almost 2 hours, him doing most of the talking. He mainly told me some stories about work. He asked me to go to lunch with him on Monday, so I did. He called me at work Monday evening and told me that he was spending the night Tuesday night. So, he spent the night last night because his mom's AC is broke and it's record hot for fall here. He voluntarily told me that he thinks about me all the time and misses me. I did not talk to him about the relationship except to tell him that I missed him too.

He's coming over tonight for dinner. This was also planned this past Sunday. I've been working a lot of evenings lately so, I've been asking him to dinner when I'm home at night.

I think he might be coming around...I just hope he can admit it to himself.

Are you there Lexxxy?

Hey Stph!

How was dinner last night?

I haven't had a chance to look at the other thread -- its an awfully long one....

It sounds like you've been enticing him -- which is perfect! No pressure, just spending nice time together.
And he's seeking you out to spend time -- which is just AWESOME! He asked you to lunch!!!

He called me on Sunday...for no apparent reason, and not even a really good excuse, so I think he just wanted to talk to me.

Dinner last night was good. I made one of his favorite meals. His birthday is on Friday, so I bought a little birthday cake and a card for him. I got a mushy card, so that may have been a mistake, but he opened it before I got home and thanked me for the card, but didn't say anything about what it said, so I guess that's a good sign.

He started to mention something last night about divorce, but stopped himself.

I admit, I did talk a very little about the relationship, but just matter of fact, not emotionally, which, although I shouldn't have said anything, I felt it was better to not be emotional about it, if I did have to say something. But I just couldn't help it. I told him that I've done a lot of learning since he's been gone, and gained a lot of confidence, and he said that I say that now, but if he "takes me back(!!)", I'll lose my confidence again. I told him no, that I've learned things and I'm not going to "unlearn" them just because he's back. And I told him that I've learned a lot about the kind of relationship we've had in the past, and about what my problems were in the M and what his problems were in the M and when he comes back, our M will be better than it was before.

But that was all that was said. That's not TOO bad, is it?

He did spend the night again last night, b/c the AC at his mom's is still broke. I let him sleep in our bed and both nights and mornings, he just held and cuddled me. It was nice. I told him this morning that he loves this and misses it. He agreed. I'm starting to see that he's still in love with me, but I don't think he wants to admit it yet.

And I told him that he can stay here until the AC is fixed, or until temperatures get normal again. I doubt he does, but we'll see.

Don't read the whole TKO thread. I think my posts start at page 249 or something. So, it will still take a while to read, but not near as long as reading the whole thing!

Are you staying in touch with OW's BF?
You need to be allies, and hearing whats happening on her side of the affair.
Is OW's BF trying to repair their relationship?
Did she move out?

Everything on your side is going well. Hopefully she will learn that he's spending the night at your house and start LB'ing him!

You have settled into a very solid Plan A. You did a great job of learning to control only your side of things. You can't make him (or her) stop seeing each other -- but you CAN make yourself a better option! He is seeing all of it!
So demonstrate those changes, and keep checking yourself for energy. Don't stay too long in Plan A (to the point of undoing the good you are doing....)

way to go STPH!!!

No, I haven't stayed in touch with OW's BF. I had thought about calling him, but wasn't sure if I should or not. I have no idea what's going on over there.

I really hope she knows he's stayed here. Even if he said "it's only because of the AC", I would still be upset and LB all over the place, if I were her.

I'm still learning how to do this, I'll admit that, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

I still have bad days, when I freak out and panic, but they are becoming less and less. I think because I am starting to see that he still loves me.

And I have this gut feeling that he won't divorce me, even if he is still talking about it. But then that frustrates me, because I want him to see what I'm seeing, and he's not going to right now..ugh!!

It's the patience that I have to work on.

I feel like I've only gotten the grasp of Plan A within the past 2 weeks, so I've got a while to go.

I wish I wasn't so thick-headed to all of this when I first got here, but in a way I still am. I still don't understand all of it. But I'm trying. I'm trying to relax and just do what I'm told.

Thanks so much for your support, Lex, it really means a lot to me.

I may be getting there, but I've got a long road ahead of me and I'll still need my hand held along the way.

I did forget to mention that I started to LB a little bit last night. It turned into not a big deal, which is why I forgot about it, but as soon as I said one thing that I recognized as LBing, I told him, "I'm done with this converssation" and walked out of the room. We both calmed down in separate rooms for about 5 minutes and he came and joined me and the rest of the evening was perfect!

BUT, with all that being said (I'll tell the story later), it ended up being a good thing, because, before when we would have "discussions" like that, I would get mad and I'm a little stubborn, so I hold on to my anger much longer than is healthy. He expected that of me last night and IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!! He came into the kitchen with me as I was finishing dinner and I hugged him and said I'm sorry, and I don't want to fight with you. I could tell he was surprised and he said, "I expected dinner to be thrown at me". He was kidding, but I got the point. So, even though I made a small mistake, I made up for it, I think and handled it the opposite of how he expected me to.

Did I make deposits?

YOU SURE DID!

Thats exactly what "demonstrating your changes" is all about! Perfection! 5 stars for that one!

I think it would be a very good idea for you to touch base with OW's BF. You need to know whats happening in the enemy camp. If she hasn't moved out, and seems to be working on the relationship at home -- wouldn't that be good news? Conversely, if she has moved out and he's still staying at your home, doesn't that sound good to you too?

Plus you'll get the chance to share your successes -- which may get back to her. (Let the LB'ing begin!) No harm in that right? It's simply honesty!

Everything that you said is true...I had been thinking about calling him, but I thought I would just appear nosey and I'm not sure how receptive BF would be to me calling.

I'll call him next week, if you think it would be a good idea.

I'm glad I did good with WH the other day. I'm still trying to avoid the LB's, but it is hard to not follow the same patterns that we've grown accustomed to. Especially when he's following the same patterns. I am excited to have surprised him a couple of times with my reactions.

Now that this is starting to go well, I'm impatient again. I want it to work NOW!

Think of this as a marathon.
Pace yourself!

When you call OW's BF -- make yourselves allies. Don't think of it as being nosey -- think of it as being on the same team...you have the same goal (to break up OW and WH) but you're working on that from different locations.

Get his agreement to stay in touch and monitor each others situations -- he is someone you will need in your corner until this is over.

So what do you have planned for YOU? How about some pampering to keep your energy up? How about something FUN?

FYI -- I'll be gone for the weekend, so I'll try to check on you Monday morning!

OK, you convinced me...I'll call OW's BF Monday.

I'm going out of town this weekend to a winery for a bachlorette party...I don't want to go, but I'm matron of honor, so I don't really have a choice. Oh well, it should be fun once I get there. I'll be with my best friend all weekend.

So far this has been my only problem with Plan A...I'm not doing things for WH anymore, but I'm not really doing anything for me either. I haven't really pampered myself or had fun.

I go out with friends for drinks every once in a while, but that's about it. I'm a homebody and I'm happy with that, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by staying home, but at the same time, I don't feel like I'm really in an effective Plan A. I just don't do much and I haven't really had time to lately.

But my hombody-ness was one of WH's problems with me. He likes to go to the races and he thought I should go out more. I am going out more now, but maybe not enough??? I don't know. He knows I'm going out more, is that enough, for him to know that for Plan A to work?

I forgot to call the BF yesterday. I don't think I'll get the chance to call again until Thursday, but I'll try.

WH talked to me about the possibility of him moving back in, strictly for financial reasons. I told him I would think about it, and I told him yesterday that I thought about it and it would probably be the easiest thing to do, but he's not sure if he wants to...totally confused me, because he's the one that brought it up to me, so I thought he wanted to. He said he's afraid if he did it would make things "awkward and confusing", so he's not moving back in "right away".

I'm so confused. I wish he would just let himself feel whatever he feels for me and not be afraid of it. I'm starting to get a little impatient again.

stph, WS never remember what they said before. Don't expect logic from a WS and you won't be disappointed. I don't think it is a good idea for him to move back in unless he is ready to go NC.

I didn't think it was a good idea for him to move back in either, but it was strictly for financial reasons.
That's why I thought for a day and a half about it and eventually agreed. He didn't want to work on the M, just live together as roommates. That wouldn't work either, because I know he's still in love with me! The whole situation is, he has to give me money from his paychecks so I can afford our house by myself. He doesn't volunteer to give me the money, so by Sunday, I have to call him and ask him about it. I HATE having to call him and ask for it and he hates that I call him and ask for it. What gives? So, he came up with this idea and is now backing out of it. I admit, I was (stupidly) disappionted when he said he wasn't moving back right away, because I looked at as me working on our M and him not knowing it. I started to get excited about doing an even better Plan A than before, or that I'm doing now. I even said to him that the worst case scenario would be that he move back in, find that he is happy here and we stay married. He didn't like hearing that either.

Stph20,

glad to see you are ok...missing you in TKO land

who's name is the house in?

Have you seen a lawyer or come up with a separation agreement that is binding?

Avoid M talk in plan A unless WH is actively initiating and I mean right here right now, otherwise like FF said they will have no recollection of what they said and you will look like you are the one initiating

I only replied to what he said, I really tried to avoid M talk (I'm still grounded by BigK, remember?). But, I talked to him last night, when we discussed this, and I told him at the end of the conversation that at some point we need to talk about us. He said OK and we hung up.

I really, really, really want to talk to him about what's going on, but I know I'm not supposed to. And I was fine with that until this moving in stuff started and now I'm confused all over again!! But so is he, that's why I want to talk to him. Neither of us have to be confused if he would just listen to reason and think about everything. BUT he is still a WH, so I 100% know that that isn't going to happen.

The only thing I really want to know from him is why he's so afraid of feeling his feelings for me...does that make sense? I know in my heart of hearts that he's still in love with me, but he's so afraid to admit it to himself and I don't get why. Don't get me wrong, as much as I want to, I'm NOT going to initiate any kind of M talk with him, K?

To answer your questions, the house is in both of our names and we don't have a formal separation set up.

I just got off the phone with WH (he called me BTW). We were having a discussion and he called me sweetie. And he's called me baby when we've been together lately.

Is this just a slip, since that's all we call each other, or could it be something more? I'm afraid to read too much into things but I would like input on this.

I don't like to make assumptions but my guess is that if he admits his feelings for you it will be like an open admission of being a two-timer, infidel etc. If he denies his feelings for you then his A as an excuse to fill the need not being met by your M...if he admits he loves you then he would feel guilty for not trying to work to R the M...continuing to deny his feelings allows him to cake eat basically without the guilt.

Forget about asking him anything about his feelings b/c he will say all kinds of things while affected by the fog and they will be meaningless and cause you angst and worry. Believe no words...only actions and this way you can use this as your measuring stick for evaluation.

I would suggest you speak to someone in the legal field at least informally if not formally to find out how to protect yourself and your credit in the event that your mortgage payment is not being paid in a timely manner etc.

I have my own views on letting him come back home but don't feel qualified to advise you...it will be very difficult for you if he comes back and wants to be only roomates...keep that in mind.

Yes, that all makes sense, about his feelings. I don't plan on asking him or talking to him about his feelings yet. In fact, he asked me tonight why I thought we were getting along better now and I told him I had my theories, but I wasn't going to tell him what they were, he had to come up with his own theories and figure out why.

Don't be shy on giving me your opinion...I need it!

I do now that it would be hard if he just wanted to be roommates, but OTOH, if he did come back, he wouldn't act like a roommate, I don't think. I think we would both take on our traditional "roles" and fall back into our routine (the good parts anyway, LOL!). But, it's not going to happen for a while, if ever, so I'm not going to worry just yet. I'll be back posting the minute he says he's coming home though!

Right now, I'm trying really hard to take it one day at a time. We talk more than we were before, so that's a good sign. He's making an effort. He's usually the one to call me and for not really important reasons. And he lingers on the phone and he's trying harder to make me laugh again. It's kind of sweet, but I don't want to read into it. I don't know if that would considered an action or a talk???

I did kind of worry a little today...my anniversary is a week from today and I'm not sure how to handle it, emotionally. I have a feeling I'm going to be here all night for support!

Stef - all sounds on the up to me. I like the way you are handling this.

Stph20,

I'm not big on expectations/celebrations due to past history of many disappointments...make some plans for yourself, treat yourself to something you normally wouldn't...don't just leave it open and kinda just hope that maybe he'll call or drop by to do something. Be proactive and take care of being busy or doing something that you wouldn't normally do...doesn't have to cost $ but be good to you...you deserve it. Once WS is XWS then you can target a real anniversary date that has much more meaning b/c it will be a recommittment that you both worked hard to get to. I wouldn't even mention the anniversary to WS. JMHO

You mentioned that if WS moved back in you would fall back into traditional roles...not so sure that would happen and don't think you would want that would you. Definitely don't want a "roommate" either. I wouldn't push for homecoming yet I have been jaded by the king of the cake eaters club so probably not the best to be advising...