I appreciate your advice, 2much.

What you advised is something that I need to work on in my everyday life. I need to do things for me. All I do now is work and post/read here. Occasionally I'll go out with friends, more than I used to, I do admit that. I don't think I'm waiting for WH to call or come by, but at the same time, when he doesn't call, I'm disappointed. And I hate myself for feeling that way! I almost cancelled an appointment I had this afternoon, because I thought he might be dropping by after work and I wanted to make sure I was here. I had to tell myself that he wasn't even home yet and I was falling back into the same pattern and to quit! I made myself go the appointment. But, OTOH, I'm also recognizing what I'm doing and am stopping it. That has to be good, right?

Thanks for your support too, BK. It really means a lot to me. I'm glad you think I'm doing this OK.

How should I explain why I put my rings back on, BigK? I don't want him getting the wrong idea and push him further towards divorce or further away from me (if that's even possible).

It's gotten to the point where we don't even know how to be together when we are together, so it's not really fun anymore. That's not good for plan A! How do I get over this hump? I guess part of the problem is that we're separated, so he doesn't think we need to be doing things together...it's "weird". So if we are together, it's at our house when he comes over and we just sit and watch TV and don't really talk. Like 13 year olds on a first date! It's awkward.

Has he asked you about the rings Stef? If he hasn't, don't be trying to look round corners. If he has just say "I am married"

He comes over but doesn't know what to do? Why is that? Why does he come over? What did you used to do before you married? What can the 2 of you do together that would be fun for you both? What attracted him to you before you married. He is coming over for a reason.

Try and meet his EN's - the NON-Sexual ones anyway. Make LB deposits. Talk about his pet interests - Look up the friends of good conversation and practice them.

Well, a couple of times I invited him over for dinner and he has spent the night a few times...you know all this BK. I don't know what we used to do together...we went shopping a lot, movies, dinner, the usual stuff. But like I said, I'm not sure if he's receptive to anything that would feel too much like a date, because he doesn't think we should be seeing each other because we're separated. This is his thinking, not mine. Plus, I don't think he's ready to "date" me. Not yet. The possibility may be there, but I think he's too afraid of his own feelings right now.

I'm doing my best to meet his EN's and making all the deposits I can. You know me by now, I get freaked and panic sometimes.

He saw the rings tonight, I'm sure...he came over again, but he didn't say anything. We're having lunch tomorrow, he may ask about them then. I just wanted to have a reason to tell him why I put them back on, so I'm not put on the spot.

Stef - LISTEN TO YOURSELF
If this man does not WANT to be spending time with you HE WOULDN'T BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE craves your company.

OK. How about this - Tell him you are going to a movie. See if he will come with you. If he doesn't, go with a girlfriend. OR Invite a girlfriend as well.

Let him see you having fun - with or without him.

Let him think he is losing you.

Don't sweat the rings - You are married, you wear a wedding ring. Don't make a big deal out of it.

All of this is CONFUSING him. He doesn't understand why he is so conflicted.

Now - Have you contacted OW'sBF yet? Have they separated? Does she know that WH is getting SF from you?

OK, the rings aren't a big deal...got it.

He wants to spend time with me, but only when I initiate. I would like to think he would like to see me more than he does, but he will never come at his own discretion or set something up "just because". It's always when I ask for it or when we need to see each other for whatever reason. So I'm not going to invite him over anymore and see what happens.


I have not contacted OW's BF yet. But I will soon. I'll tell him about the SF and ask if she's moved out. I feel like things are starting to look up, I'm afraid to stir the pot. But I know I need to. I will soon.

Lexxxy, are you still here? You haven't given up on me have you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi I'm new to this site, and I just read all your postings. It's amazing to me how many of us go through the same things. I am so thakful for this site. A few years ago I was where you are. The sad thing now is that I'm back there again because boundaries just weren't tight enough (I guess). Anyway my H did the same thing except he got his own apt. and we had 4 children at the time (now 5) He did everything your H is doing. He said he wanted a D, I refused. He would come over and we ended up being together. I read all kinds of books, became a stronger Chrisian, and went back to school. I graduate in November with an Associaties in Social Work. Like i said I'm back there again. I felt something recently and I checked his cell and found a woman's #. He told her he was D, and made no mention of our children. Basically it was a one night stand, but I think it would've went deeper if I hadn't found out. He becomes someone else in these A's. Talk about being confused. He loves me though??? and wants our family. We just bought a house we're supposed to move into in Nov. The last affair I did the same thing, I actually met the OW. He told her he was D too. Then he said he was LS. This went on for about a year. We were seperated for 8 months. He continued on after he moved back home. I didn't know about the A until he was home for 2 mo. He was mad when I called the OW sister and everything came out. I didn't know if I had done the right thing until I read about the EXPOSURE method on this site. I told him I want to sit and talk with his parents about this recent A. They are awesome in-laws and Chrisitians. They support me whatever decision I make. He was drinking and met the OW at a bar. I've told him it (drinking and bars) had to end several times, but it always turned into him resenting me and going back to old habits. He continues things sober though. I don't know what to think anymore, but I'm scared to see the pain on our son's face again. I don't want my children to be hurt, and despite everything I still love the idiot. He says he's willing to do whatever to get help. At least this time he isn't struggling with feelings for the OW. I don't mean to tell you this for less hope in the future, I just want to tell you to not let old behaviors resurface. It sounds like your marriage is on it's way to getting back on track. It will be hard when he moves back in. There will be days of happiness and days of wondering, but replace those thoughts and make God the center of your marriage. I will be praying for you!

Thank you so much for your post lostandempty! I really appreciate you telling me your story and your thoughts. And thanks for reading my thread, it's pretty long! I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. You're probably like me and never would have dreamed he would ever do such a thing. Right now, I am so grateful that we don't have children. I couldn't bear for them to go through this. As it is my dog and cat miss their "daddy"! Cogratulations on your upcoming graduation...what an accomplishment!

When I first came here, I totally thought my story would get some gasps and everyone would be horrified at what WH was telling me...oh how wrong I was! My story is not special at all and I'm amazed at how horrific some other stories here are and how lame I've been by wallowing in my self-pity! It took me a while to realize that WH was just following the WS guidelines, lol.

Sometimes I want nothing more than to fight like h*** for my M and other times I just want to cut and run. I know if he does come home, it's going to be really hard on both of us. That makes me a little nervous, but I'm hanging in there the best I can. I would be completely lost if I hadn't found this site and forum. It has literally saved my life and sanity. I tell you this for your benefit. Please keep posting and sharing. I don't think I'm at the point where I can give good advice, but others that post to me are awesome and I cannot get through this without each and every one of them and they'll be able to get you through this too.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

One thing I'm noticing stph is that you tend to overanalyze the negative and virtually ignore the positive.
(I understand, its probably a self-protection thing...)

But I want to point out to you that he DOES want to spend time with you. He has initiated some of that (lunches? right?) And if he didn't WANT to, you couldn't drag him to it!

Now stop stressing about rings and "sweeties" just take it as it comes. Seek out as many Plan A opportunities that you can. Avoid LB's. Stay on an even keel. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, get your EN's handled so that your Taker doesn't come roaring out.

Get your allegience in place with OW's BF.
This is war Stph....know your enemy. You need to know whats happening over there. It will help to understand how WH is acting, instead of trying to analyze him yourself.

I'm overanalyzing everything I think. You're right, he has initiated some of it. I'm trying to be hopeful with my guard up...does that make sense?

I'm trying so hard to Plan A right, but when I'm with him, I don't think I'm doing good enough, but maybe I am.

He was teasing me at lunch today and said that it's a good thing he still sorta liked me. I told him he was full of s***, but didn't elaborate (I could have told him I know he's still in love with me, etc.).

He was very interested in my work schedule for today too, but I don't know why, he never said anything. And it shouldn't matter to him since he's not living here anymore when I'm going to be home or what shift I'm working and he told me as he was leaving that he would be home tonight in case I needed him for anything...

But I'm not going to stress about it!

I had this pit in my stomach when I was with him today and I still have it. It's the same pit I had when he first started talking D. I haven't had it in a while and I don't know what to make of it now. But it makes me not eat, so maybe I'll lose some more weight!! Yea!!

I will call the BF either this afternoon or Monday. I do want to know what's going on.

Hi it's lostandempty again. When I went through what you are going through I lost weight fast. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think etc. My mom accused me of being anorexic, but I just couldn't function with anything. I'm 5'7 and I slimmed down to 110 pounds. I didn't look too healthy. I'm about 125 now and feel better at that weight, but once again I finding myself choking on food. I expect to lose a few pounds, but not that much again.

I have lost weight really fast. I didn't eat anything for weeks straight. And I started walking my dog more often so I was getting more excersize. I felt better about myself, but it was the wrong way to go about it. My boss is the only person who tried to force me to eat. I'm glad no one else was on my a** about it, because just the thought of food still makes me want to throw up.

I'm in my best friend's wedding next month (can you imagine having to help plan a wedding and shower while dealing with this?? NOT fun!) and I had to go for a dress fitting yesterday...lots of taking in needs to be done!!

It is hard to swallow food! I'm a coffee nut, so I end up wiring myself out everyday. I met my husband for lunch last week (soup and coffee) and he asked me why I was drinking more coffee when I was shaking. I didn't realize I was, but I looked down and sure enough my hands were shaking. My nerves are just shot! Some people think I'm crazy for trying once again, but I just give it to God and pray for wisdow and strength. We've been together since our junior year in high school, and we've know each other since we were about 10. We never had a "real" wedding and I was planning one for 2008. My dad was really excited since he never got to walk me down the aisle and had the father and daughter dance. We got married by a judge in 1998. Now I can't plan anymore because I'm unsure if he really loves me.

lostandempty

How old are your kids? Do they know what's going on? Have you talked to your in-laws yet? If it were me, I wouldn't wait for WH's approval to talk to them because you won't get it. If you have that great of a relationship with them, I would go over there whether he wanted you to or not. I tried talking to my MIL, but while she doesn't approve of him cheating, she's not willing to help me save my M either. She's a lovely lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How long ago was his first A?

Stef - Lexxy is telling you exactly what I have been telling you - You do dwell on the negative and see everything in the worst possible light - even the good news.

I do not! And don't switch up posts on me!! You're confusing me now!

So how am I focusing on the negative? I'm just stating the facts. I'm looking at the good and the bad. I'm just guarded.

You REFUSE to see the Good!!

Give me examples. I tell you all of the good. And I even tell you that it is good...I make sure it's good anyway.

I'm kicking a** with my Plan A. He calls me for no reason, he accepts invitations over, he has asked me to lunch 2x now, he flirts with me constantly.

All of this is good, I know that...BUT he still feels the need to carry on an A...which I'm IMPATIENT with!

OK I will be on the lookout for examples. Suffice to say, everytime I kick your [censored] is either because of this very reason OR because you had SF with him.

And I told you to go to bed in TKO.