The children are 11,9,7,5,and 3. The 11 year-old is my step-daughter, but we've had custody of her since she was 5. She calls me mom and her M never calls. When we seperated 2 years ago I insisted that she stay with me and my H and her M agreed. The 9 year-old is my cousin's daughter. She was living with her grandma (my aunt), but she was raising 4 grandchildren and still had 2 of her own at home. I took her because she was acting up so bad to her grandma. Her mother has drug problems. She's lived with us for a little over a year now. I shield my kids from everything (at least I try). I know how smart kids are though and they know more than you think they do. For the most part they haven't shown any signs of knowing. They are all excited about moving into our new home. My in-laws do know and are waiting and praying for my H to drop his pride and all of us to sit and talk. My MIL knew right away by reading my face. They support me no matter what and offered me a house if I want it. The first A I don't know much about. It was in the first year and half of our marriage. He was going out alot (so was I) and I suspected and then one night he was acting like a jerk (drunk) and called his mom to babysit because I was going to go Christmas shopping and he wanted to go out to a bar. After arguing with his mom for a few min. he said put dad on the phone. I walked away and he shut himself in the bathroom. I came back to check on him and he was crying to his dad admitting what he had done. I was baptised a week earlier, so I decided to try and work it out because in my own way I had pushed him away in the beginning. Granted he made his own decisions, but I can admit I wasn't a good wife. I didn't have a good example and I shouted divorce regularly. It went well for awhile and then within a few years he started going out a lot again. Our youngest was 2 months old and I told him to move out and get himself together for his family and then come back home. Within 2 months he started seein the second A. The whole time he was still coming home, spending the night, and being with me. Basically it's like he's been dating throughout our marriage. He acts as if that didn't count because we were "seperated" and I kicked him out. Sound familiar? That's what WS's do. They push to get you to fight and give them a way out to justify what they're doing. It breaks my heart because I truly know the "good" man in there. He's just never fully surrendered and gave it to God. I told my in-laws this time I can't do it alone. I need their help to reach him. Last night for instance he mentioned going to a comedy club and his mom agreed to babysit. Well I said maybe we shouldn't go because there will be alcohol. He got mad and refused to go anywhere. He says he doesn't understand why we can't sit and have a drink together. A week and half ago he was willing to do whatever it took to make this work. I enjoy having a drink with my girlfriends, but I will to let go of that to save my M. I told him he's not walking alone in this, but us drinking together is the first step to him going out again. The cycle has to be broken this time.

Wow.

I think it's awesome that you have such great in-laws. I wish my MIL would support me like that.

How have you handled the A's? Are you in Plan A? Have you thought about Plan B?

The first A I forgave and moved on. The second one I battled with for a long time. I actually met the OW and she was a decent person who was also deceived by my H. This time there are boundaries.
No Drinking
No Overnight Trips
RESPECT
Church
EXPOSURE
Counseling
I'm still trying to think of what else I should put in place. I told him he can't resent me for this because he said he'd do anything! This is the absolute last chance. I love my children and I know they'll be hurt, but I can't and won't go through this again!!! By the way did you say you're 26? I'm 28, almost 29.

Does WH want to work on the M, or is he unsure? Has he agreed to the boundaries and understand why you set them?

Mine hasn't mentioned D in a while...I'm hoping that's a good sign...and I hope by saying that I don't get in trouble with BK again! He likes to kick my a** from time to time if I start to get too whiny and panicked. Which is a good thing, at least I know he cares.

Did you know she was the OW when you met her? What were the circumstances? I'm not sure if I want to know what my WH's OW looks like or not. It could go both ways.

I am 26. My H just turned 27.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ya know, I've been thinking, and while that can be dangerous, I can't help it.

I keep thinking back to our D-day/weekend, as it was, and my reaction when WH finally told me the truth about what he had done. I knew in my heart that he had slept with OW, even if it was only twice, so that wasn't a surprise, but what was a surprise was when he told me he had slept with his ex-girlfriend 3 times 2 years ago, when we were having some problems.

There's got to be something, some kind of reason why I didn't get mad then and I'm not mad now and I haven't gotten mad. I mean, I'm hurt as all get-out, but shouldn't I be furious?? How many BS's don't get angry over the betrayal? This doesn't make any sense to me. In a way, I think I can honestly say I don't care. I care more about the reasons why he cheated than I do about the fact that he cheated.

I still love him so much and I don't want to D, but I'm afraid of my feelings about this.

Yes he wants to work on the marriage. When I found out he cried and he's never done that. (Sober anyway and to me) The OW I met was the last A and she wanted to meet me, so I said what the heck. I took my best friend with me for support. It was amazing how much he lied about. God always works though. We went to church today and the sermon was SEX, Power, and Wealth. All our preacher talked about was the way that God had designed Sex to be. Talk about feeling uncomfortable with you WS.

Maybe the sermon made him think about what he had done to you and your family. Hopefully it will make him work that much harder at saving your M.

I'm having a very bad day, emotionally. I've had too much time on my hands today and I tend to think and panic a lot when that happens. The A itself has been OK to handle since WH moved out, but now all of a sudden, that's all I'm thinking about today. And I'm hurting all over again. I keep thinking that he might be with her and if he's not, he's at least talked to her today and what he's doing otherwise and why he's not calling me when the past couple of days have been good, is he thinking D again (if he ever stopped), how they act when they're together, what they talk to each other about, I picture him telling her he loves her (and promptly want to throw up), etc...I'm trying to calm myself down, but it's not working. I tried calling him earlier this afternoon, the phone rang twice and went to VM (it rings 3x if he really can't answer), so I think he saw it was me and turned the phone off right away. That's part of my panic too. Why would he do that? A couple hours later, I blocked my # and called again and it rang the appropriate 3x and went to VM.

I feel like I've spent my whole day waiting for him to call me, or looking out the window every time someone drives by, hoping it's him stopping by. This sucks.

I feel an a**-kicking coming on in a bit when BigK gets here. At least I'll calm down then, hopefully.

Stef - This is all part of the rollercoaster. Ups and downs. It's a marathon not a sprint too. Try not to drive yourself crazy thinking about it although I know that is very hard to do.

I am like you Stef. Very much so after D-Day. I didn't get all that mad. I never did get the uncontrolled BS rage even at the 6-8 month mark that is so common.

Everyone is different in how they act and react Stef. Don't sweat it. Your reactions are normal FOR YOU.

There - and I didn't even kick your [censored].

Thank you for not kicking my @ss. I thought for sure I was going to get it the way I was carrying on! I do try not to panic and I've been doing really good about it, I don't know why it hit me again today.

I keep hearing other BS's talk about how mad they are and a few people have told me that I need to be mad and that I'll get there...but, if I haven't gotten mad yet, I don't think I'm going to get there, even in 6 months. That's just not like me. I'm very emotional right away. I feel hurt and unjustified but not angry.

But I don't want to get mad either, because that'll just make me give up. It's part of my stubbornness. It just scares me a little that I haven't been mad.

OK, I feel better, thanks BK.

WH just called me. He's coming over for dinner again...I promise no SF!! We're going out for dinner and that will probably be the extent of the "date". He said he turned the phone off earlier because he was sleeping and didn't want to talk to anybody. He apologized and I told him I understood. So, I get to Plan A some tonight and we'll see how it goes...

Good work Stef.

Just do yourself a favour and understand that what you are feeling is normal for YOU. Don't worry about how other people think you should feel - they are not YOU. Your feelings are yours and they will be all over the place as you have noticed. They will be what they will be.

As I said to you, I never ever flew into a rage although that is typical BS behaviour at some point. Harley talks about it and many BS's here attest to it. I didn't. That was normal for ME in THIS situation. Surprised me and my wife how I reacted actually. I would have expected to get really angry but that never did quite happen.

You don't have to react or feel how other people say they would or how you should. The absolute truth of this is that no one knows how they will react until they have it happen to them.

Now one thing that does concern me is that you have now revealed that this is not your husbands first affair. Can I ask you Stef if you have ever been unfaithful to your husband? Stef - this propensity of your husband towards cheating will need to be examined in detail when you are in recovery. Twice a cheater is not good news.

I never realized until today that I didn't reaveal his previous A. It does have me worried about the possible continuence of A's if we do recover. That's what has me thinking that maybe I don't want to stay in this M. But it also has me determined to build a whole new M with him, if he so chooses. It's going to take me a while, I think, to come up with a clear answer on what I want and I may never get one. Who knows?

I have NEVER been unfaithful to him. I admit, I have wondered if I ever met someone and we were attracted to each other if I could be, but I don't think so. And I know I definitely couldn't now. I would never put someone through the hurt and anguish WH has put me through. It's pure he11.

I always thought that if WH ever cheated on me, I would be done with the M, no looking back. But here it's happened, even though I never expected it, and I'm fighting as hard as I can to save my M. I've surprised myself.

You are right BigK, you never know how you're going to react until it happens. I have a couple of good friends that tell me what they would do if this ever happened to them and I've been telling them the same thing. Don't speak too fast!! You may surprise yourself!

I've surprised myself and my H at my reaction. He thought the same thing...in fact, we've talked about it and I always told him, as soon as he cheats on me or hits me, I'm gone. He was/is very surprised at my reaction and doesn't quite know how to handle it. I think that's what is confusing him too. He thought as soon as he revealed what he had done, I'd be filing for D. And it confuses him that I want to save us after the conversations we've had.

Cool Stef. Let us know how dinner goes. Keep it light and fun. You are doing a stellar Plan A.

how should I explain why I put my rings back on, BigK?

Hi Steph

Dave asked me to pop in as I had a similar experience with my wedding ring.

I read a post from Ktulu about rings on one of the very worst days while the A was still active. It reminded me that I had taken off my ring on D-day.

I had to go do some TV for a business thing in London and my FWW found out I sent proof of PA to OM GF on the same day. She was absolutely ACID, hateful, vicious, telling me by phone she was packing and moving out and leaving the country with the kids and OM and all kinds of stuff. I had to keep calm and put my business head on for bloomberg ...

I got home she was EVIL. I checked my mail & this board and read Ktulu's post about the significance of her wedding band. I went straight to our bedroom and put on my wedding ring.

Squid noticed it the very next day in the middle of her worst and most terrible spite towards me and the kids.
" What the h3ll u wearing that for ? Our Marriage is down the pan !"

I replied calmly : "I don't need your permission to wear it. I promised God and you I'd wear it for better or worse. Well, this is 'worse' but my promise to God and you still stands. I want to be married to you. I want to do all I can to stay happily married to you, despite my hurt. Until the LAST MINUTE that there is hope that we can rescue our M I will wear the ring you gave me before God."

She ran upstairs and cried loudly for a long time. I took the kids bowling...

That was the peak of the hatred and fog. She mentioned since that it was very touching for her to see me wearing her ring when she felt so undeserving of it. And it also accused her.

I won't take it off again till I'm dead or divorced.

Now in recovery, Squid had tried to put on her wedding band. (a sports injury meant it hadn't fitted her for a year or more).

The story of what I did is HERE .

Do as you see fit with your wedding bands. You can see that ours were very significant indeed. All blessings

Thank you for your post bob. It means a great deal to me. I read your thread and it was very sweet. I'm so glad she responded so well to the new ring and you are recovering (recovered?). It's posts like that that give me hope for my future. What is the status of you and Squid? Did you ever renew your vows?

I did put my rings back on. I've seen WH a few times since then, and since I'm left-handed, and we've been eating across from each other, he's had to have seen them.

He hasn't asked why I'm wearing them again yet. But I plan on telling him pretty much the same thing you told your WW if he ever does ask. That I'm committed to this M until I'm no longer married for whatever reason, be it death or divorce.

Thank you again for your advice and I'll look forward to more posts from you!

Steph

What is the status of you and Squid? Did you ever renew your vows?

We had a hard 18 months after the ring incident, with Squid's mom taking a long time to die of cancer, her family falling apart , Squids shame paralysing her recovery efforts and my impatience.

But I feel safe in saying we are through that now.

Squid clearly adores me, and I can;t help adoring her either. Iam over her EA, only deep pain at the loss of monogamy haunts me now.

My home has become a sanctuary of love and peace that I love to return to.

We employ MB tools such as POJA and PORH and they are increasingly instinctive now.

We he hit a new level of intimacy this past 2 months. We are at 2.5 years past d-day now.

Its been he11, but we ar ebetter together now than I ever dreamed we would be again after the devastation of d-day.

Here's what happened on out 20th wedding anniversay last month Cick here

If you click on the BS TOOLKIT link near the beginning you can see how bad it was for us back then. It is miraculous and a testament to Dr Harley that we are happier than either of us could have dreamed considering the circumstances !

We haven't renewed our vows. Its important for ME that if we do it Squid arranges itso I know she i snot a passenger. hing is, she also wants to make sure *I* make all the arrangements so SHE can be certain I'm not doing it for her ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its become less important to us lately as we are both clearly supporting our marriage vows now.

Take heart.

The sermon was absolutly awesome and at the right time. I'm having a copy of it made. I'm going to listen to it and give copies to friends who are also struggling.
I had a lot of bad days too. The nights were the worst when I would put my kids to bed. I'd be scared alone and I'd think I'd keep hearing his car pull up. I wondered about the OW, but I can honestly say that the last A I wish I didn't know as much as I do because it haunts me. One couselor I saw said why ask why because they don't know anymore than you do. When I would have those bad days I would listen to praise music or watch a good chic flick. That was the nice thing about him not being there was that I had complete control of the remote. Any support I can offer let me know.

OK Since we're talking about sermons, here is one I listened to MANY times after D-day when my wife left me. It gave me hope and helped me build my faith up.

http://203.89.236.8/ramgen/ccc/27030510am.rm

bob-

I read all of your threads and all I can say is "Wow". You've been through so much. I totally understand the pain and agony you've endured. I'm so grateful that you posted here and let me read your threads. It gives me so much hope. WH went through his evil, angry spell too. Luckily he's over that! I think that was worse than the A! He hasn't blamed me for the A, but all the anger was directed towards me.

Congratulations to you and Squid on everything. I'm so happy for you that everything worked out the way it should.

BigK-

I'm trying to open the link you sent, but it won't let me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />