Stef - would you mind sending me an email please? I have something for you.

Hello..I am new to posting so please bare w/me. I have been reading and taking in every word i can for nearly 2 months now....I dont know why i havent posted b4 today, nervous and embarrased i guess BUT i am going to spill it all, every ugly bit , and post it tomorrow so i can hopefully gain more knowledge from you all...as soon as i have a little sleep, which i havent been getting...

I just had 1 quick question i cant seem to get out of my head...

kdsheartbreak and piojitos said 2 very similar things...BOTH having to do with letting your WH back "in" before he is a FWS....
(I am afraid thats what i did unknowingly...he had NC for nearly 3.5 weeks than out of the blue he decided to call her and turned into an A**hole again....BUT i will explain all in the AM)

MY question is would someone please explain why the chances of ending in divorce are greater at this point than others? I quess I may be just needing a little insight as to why this is? (i have read SAA, but at times i jst dont get things the 1st time)

Can one of you SMART FOLKS please explain this to me? I would greatly apprecaiate it!!!!!!!!!

I am going to get my info all together and bore u all with yet another crappy mess that seems to be never ending.

Thanks to anyone who has a second for me...

First I don't fully buy into the idea that it is more likely to end in divorce. My POV is that letting a WS back into the home is generally a good thing. It is far easier to work on the M together than apart. Stph has not really been at this long enought to need a Plan B emotionally. I fully expect that WH will violate NC after he comes back. The potential for D stems from how stph reacts to that violation. In my case, I had WW's bags packed by the front door. It was only after that I was told to prepare for NC violation and have a plan in place that I could deal with it properly. And she did violate NC. And I handled it correctly(?). And it was the last time she ever violated NC.

I just am concerned that stph will build up false hopes, have those hopes crushed and decide the M is over. Because it isn't. Not unless stph decides its over. But she might easily decide that in her pain and disappointment. That is why, IMO, there is a significant danger in allowing WH back too soon.

Hi 3holtboys,

Welcome to MB.

Cake eating is very common for WS's That is what your H is doing.

You H, from the little you wrote, went 3 weeks with NC and then the pressure got to him. Is he in continual contact now but still living at home?

I think Pio had some good advice for you.

In Stef's situation, I like Pio, just see that if she lets him back without firm NC, she is setting herself up for a false recovery because he will never withdraw from the OW and will be very happy having 2 women meet his needs - classic cake eating. Stef would be better off going to plan B than letting this happen.

I'm just catching up with my own thread, LOL!

I usually take everyone's advice here, especially BigK's, as I think everyone knows, but I'm going with Pio's frame of mind here.

I'm not so emotional that I don't know what I'm doing. WH has moved some of his things back (we didn't really talk about it first, he just did it). We talked again last night and I told him 2 things had to happen for this to work: absolutely NO CONTACT with OW and we both need to be 100% committed. He said he was and is going to establish NC. This was after I told him I'm just not that interested in saving the M right now. But I also told him that I still love him and I'm not going to change my mind without giving it a chance first. But we're going to do it my way, which he also agreed to.

Anyway, he moved back in and if, after he totally establishes NC, I find out there has been C, I'm done and I'm totally emotionally prepared for it. I will pull a Pio and pack his bags for him. Or I'll leave, I don't care which. But I told him this was our last chance and I meant it.

Did he read the FAQ's? They really helped my wife see the affair for what it was and helped her understand NC etc.

It's too much for me to print out right now (my cartridge is almost empty!), but when he gets home tonight, I'm going to pull your link up and have him read them.

OK Good Stef.

WOW thanks to you BOTH for answering me...it makes more sense to me now...

Bigkahuna: As for your question, they worked together and when we decided to "keep our family together" he quit his job (a pretty good one) and took one in Texas, we live in alabama...(but he is a pipefitter @ a nuclear plant so in the past 10 years he has traveled before...no biggy for us)
The job came up and it was to be for 12 weeks or so and the money was nearly what he'd make in almost a year here, so we decided it was a good time to get ahead on bills, AND since he admitted he had strong emotional feelings for her It would be a good way to seperate himself from her & get ahead etc....all at the same time. ( i was just thrilled he'd not see her everyday)
(from the start he said its way more EA than PA...she filled a void in him.and so on....now i think its close to equally EA/PA allthough he hasnt seen her in 5 weeks...he STILL says it isnt all about sex...i know i'll never really know)

He's been gone for about 5 weeks, and i thought like a dummy that it was all headed in the right direction...he'd been asking me to come & see him for a few weeks so i bought a plane ticket...5 days after i bought it is when he called her, and he knew that i had told him ABSOLUTE NC w/ OW...sed he understood etc...I FOUND out the night before i was to leave(which was this past friday) that he'd called her from our phone bill...All he could say is "i dont know why i called"...

we have 3 small boys and i had arranged weekend stays at both grandmas...and was TOO EMBARRASSED to tell either of our mothers what i'd found out just hours before leaving to see him.

AS u can imagine it was a H*** of a weekend....miserable...
he finally said he guess he just missed her & wanted to talk to her...said he had tried to do all the right things and say all the right things with me b/c if he did long enough it'd make it all go away(her & his feelings 4 her)I guess the fake it till u make it thing... FUNNY...i thought i'd be the one to do that, not him...JERK!
When i asked why did u stop trying w/ me? his reply was i guess i couldnt do it long enough...

This past weekend was the first time ever he's said he wants out! EVER...
He was without a doubt the meanest most unhuman "thing" i have ever seen(not physically)..the things he said no one deserves to hear..
BUT i came home and he is stil talking to her and his things is this "it has nothing to do w/ OW...what am i doing? I talked to her, so what..etc, etc, etc..."
Of course i KNOW it has EVRYTING to do w/OW...

I found out yesterday thats she's going to texas on wed nov 8th...he doesnt actually admit or deny,,,just keeps saying why do u think that & u dont know anything...BLAH BLAH BLAH

I have a huge confession...he knows how i know and she knows how i know-- it just hasnt been brought up,,,I CHANGED the ESN# for his cell to my old one here at home and when she started texting yesterday I played along...SHE remined "him" about the trip..
He is LIVID b/c he knows i can do that to our phones from here....
SNEAKY, i know....BUT All's fair u know..

I HAVE decided that I wont do that again, b/c for 1. it drives me NUTZ and 2. it isnt like i can find out anymore that i know...i know he talks texts etc everyday and he admits it...

He told me again last night that he wanted a divorce...B/C after all thats happened we can never be happy and our marriage is shot...yeah right..so then u just might as well keep on w/ you "soul mate" BULLS***!! total cope out and i know it!!

His ENTIRE family is completely outdone with him...they have been so very very supportive of me and just keep praying he'll get back to our old clint again...
they all have told me that no matter what he tries to say they know i didnt cause this and have done everything in my power to help him to get through it...

I promised the whole scoop but i got sidetracked about the current texas deal...
I will post the rest asap...

THANKS to you 2 for just letting me know u heard me!

I feel like I am already a "regular" here but ive just been standing around like a wallflower not sure if i could just jump in...I know that for several days at the beginging i thought there was no way ANYONE could understand...
You will never know how i cried the day I came across this forum and MB site...I felt for the first time in days that I WASNT CRAZY...

Allthough I've never posted until last nigth you'll never know how much you've ALL HELPED ME, and i truly do appreciate it!

I suggest starting your own new thread rather than t/j'ing Stef's one. If you can't work out how to do that, I can start a new thread for you. There is nothing you have said that doesn't fit the affair profile.

thanks!! U have been great...tell me how or point me there...Let me know where to go now...and i will be glad to get started...

(((and just a quick ? cause this whole FORUMS thing is still new to me...i have never posted anywhere ever in this way...by a "new thread" it will be its own little line in the index? Sorry to be SO stupid just not up on how this all works...anywhere i can get a quick crash course on POSTING ETIQUITE?))))

PSPSPS..sorry to stef...i didnt mean to "jump in here" on u ...i didnt have a clue where ot how to start getting help! Hope everyone has patience with all the new clueless posters! thanks and sorry again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
thanks again!!

See the top of the page - it says Infidelity - General Questions II - to the right of that are some buttons - one says POST. Click on that button and you get to start a new thread - put your own title in it and make a post. Your title will be in the index.

No problem! I hope you get the advice you need and everything works out for ya!

I just had a miserable evening with WH. He told me more about the A and more about the first A with XGF.

He also told me that the biggest reason he came home was that he couldn't afford to pay utilities for 2 places and that he's still not sure what he wants. Then he said he is sure what he wants, but when he told me on Sunday that he wanted me, he hadn't seen OW for 3 days. But he loves me and wants the M to work.

I had him read the FAQ's, but he only read the first page. He's not much for reading, so he refused to read anymore. He said he got the gist of it. I told him that it was vital to our M that he read the whole thing and understand why NC is so important. He said he does understand it. The best I could get out of him is that he is not going to talk to her as much as he used to, he is not going to initiate any conversation with her, he is going to keep any conversation with her on a business level and when she is gone, which has been pushed back to January now, he will establish NC. And he will not answer his phone if she calls, nor will he call her back.

We are not in recovery, I know this. I'm so frustrated and he still doesn't care.

I told him that he has chosen me twice now (when we started dating, he broke up with GF to be with me), that should tell him something.

He said he feels as though I wasn't ready for him to move back in right away. I said I wasn't, but he did without us talking about it, so that's what we have to deal with now.

We also had an issue last night that was brought up again tonight. A co-worker of his lives down the street from us and he told me, basically as he was walking out the door that he was going over there for a little bit. She and her H were having a Halloween party. I immediately start freaking out because I think OW is going to be there and he's rushing over to get his fix. He told me she wasn't and even asked me if I wanted to go. I told him no, someone had to stay here and hand out candy. But I was upset because our deal, before he even moved back in, was he was going to be here to deal with our dog, while I answered the door to kids. He's a handful. Then he leaves for an hour, which normally, would not be a big deal at all, but that wasn't our agreement. So we had issues when he came home.

I have LB'd and DJ'd him to death the past two days. He's even made comments like isn't it great to be back? Smart-a**. But it scares me that he's already saying things like that.

We're arguing the same as if he'd never left. Neither one of us want it to be that way. My Plan A brought him home and all I've done since he's been back is destroy it. But he's not making any effort either. All we're doing is blaming each other for not working on the M yet. But whatever I do means nothing and is a waste until he establishes NC. I told him that, and he says he understands how important it is, but still won't do it. How can I get him to get it?

Stef,

STOP the LB'ing already. You know better. Don't react. Try some reverse babble. I did post a link on TKO a while back.

AND GET YOUR [censored] RIGHT NOW TO THAT PARTY - a golden opportunity for recreational companionship.

You're right, I do know better. I just got soooo frustrated that things aren't moving along the way I want them too.

Honestly, I want him to grovel at my feet, tell me how sorry he is and how much he loves me....it's not gonna happen if he's still talking to her.

I never went to the party...it was on Halloween night, I posted Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

He was only there for an hour, but it still freaked me out that OW might be there. And WH told me that it surprised him that her being there was my first thought. He knows it's going to be that way for a while, but in his eyes, whenever that is my thought, I'm not really trying to work on the M either. I guess he just wants me to automatically believe every word he says because he chose to come home.

It hurts all over again. Everything he told me about the A with his XGF, and the fact that he came home partly because of financial reasons. This just sucks and I'm miserable. He cheated on me with XGF while we were engaged...BEFORE WE WERE EVEN MARRIED!!! I knew nothing about it. He's been with her 3 times, once before and twice after we were married. What's to stop him from doing it again, with anybody?

I punched him awake at about 1:00 this morning because I was so mad at him for this (right after I posted). He doesn't have any answers. He said he's still in love with me, but doesn't know why he's cheated. And I don't deserve to go through this, but he's not acting like he cares too much. When I finally let him go back to sleep, we decided we're both going to calm down and really try at this. For reasons unknown we still love each other. I told him that he has now chosen me over and over again, so obviously there's nobody better than me, and would he please get that through his head now?

I have the reverse babble printed out, I'm going to start using it instead of my impatience and emotions.

I also told him I'm going to print out the EN questionnaire for him today and I want him to fill it out tonight while I'm at work. We're going to talk about it when I get home.

Stef,

I told you AGES ago it doesn't matter why WH comes home - it can be for all the wrong reasons. It really doesn't matter.

He does need to withdraw from OW and that won't happen whilever there is contact.

He won't be remorseful until he has withdrawn - maybe longer. You should not expect any different and then you won't be so frustrated.

This is all as I would expect it to be. Guard your heart and emotions because you are going to get hurt here. NC is absolutely necessary for your situation to improve. I cannot overstate the importance of that.

Instead of LB'ing him, use RB. Cut down on the relationship talk. ANything you do NOW will be pretty much wasted. Don't pepper him for answers. Just do a really good in-place Plan A. You will probably still need to go to Plan B IMO.

Steph

I just spent the last four hours reading this thread. My current situation is akin to yours when it started. I now have a glimpse as to what I can expect to face in the coming months. Tomorrow I plan on telling the OM's wife of the affair. I have no idea what exactly I am going to say, but will take Mel's advice and just tell her what I know (which is only what my WW has told me).

You have been an inspiration. I hope that I have your strength and resolve. I wish you the best.

Scotty

Wow Scotty...thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

I hardly think I'm an inspiration to anybody, but I appreciate you thinking so. I whine an awful lot!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Do you have your own thread? If not, start one, so we know what's going on and can help you individually. Not that I mind you posting on my thread!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you that calling OMW will be the hardest thing ever, but once you do it, it's a release that you can't even imagine! I felt soooo much better than I imagined I would and you can see that I was very scared to call OWBF at first.

I believe that I have been advised by the best of the best on my thread...everyone knows what they're talking about here, so listen to them! Sometimes I need to take my own advice, LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BigK, I have calmed down some, last night WH met me and some friends for drinks and we had a really good time. Neither of us was home all night, so he didn't get to do the EN questionnaire, but I'm going to get him to do it this weekend.

I'm also going to print out the FAQ's and see if he'll read the rest of it.

I know what you told me ages ago, that he's going to come home for the wrong reasons and I thought I was prepared for that, but I wasn't. I thought I would be able to handle it, but obviously not. Remember, I'm a very impatient person!

I did a lot of thinking yesterday...I called him at work yesterday and apologized for my part in our argument the night before and we talked some again and recommitted ourselves again. That calmed me down and I feel a lot better.

My fear now is not being able to stop myself from pushing him toward NC with OW while he's not ready for it. If she really leaves the job in January (it's been pushed back from November), I'll have to wait that long. And I will wait until then and see what happens before I implement Plan B. IF you tell me this is a good idea. I've told you from the start that I'm very guarded right now. I promise I am!!

I fully know WH and I are going to get nowhere without NC. I wish someone would tell him that, besides me! He needs to fully understand that. He says he does, but he knows how hard it's going to be and isn't ready for it.

I also decided last night that I'm going to step away from the relationship talk for a while. We were supposed to be dating, I'm going to go back to treating us as such. That's all I can do for now.

Plan A is not over!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Excellent Stef because I was going to post to you and ban you from relationship talk because you are too pushy. I am glad you see that for yourself.

He must read the infidelity FAQ's Stef. Also do you have "Surviving an Affair" - leave it laying around and see if he will read it.

My hope is that if he does read some stuff like the FAQ's and if he is truely genuine, he might actually get the NC thing himself.

He can also email with me if he wants if you think that will help.

I was also going to suggest you continue Plan A - meet his needs and avoid LB's. Just remember no sex - this will be very difficult for you I know but you need to protect yourself emotionally here, not to mention STD's.