Well, knowing WH, he'll want me to "teach" him. He's not a reader, especially on his own, if it doesn't have anything to do with racing.

I guess that's why I keep using that terminology. We're going to have to talk all of this out. He'll never read.

He told me last night that he thought we were doing better. I think he wants to sweep all of this under the rug, let our M fail and go blameless saying that he came home to "try" and it didn't work. He's never said this, but that's what it seems like.

He also said that I convinced him to come home by never giving up. He told me that no matter what he said to me, no matter how much he told me he wanted a D, I stayed and fought for our M and wouldn't allow it to happen. That got him to thinking that maybe what we have is worth saving and fighting for. He said that he knows he needs to be more understanding of my "moods" and triggers, he just doesn't know how to handle me when I get that way. So I told him some things that would help.

Sweeping it under a rug guarantees a relapse and failure Stef. Do not allow him to do this. Full examination should be a boundary. It was for me.

I know this too!! This is what leads to arguments between us. He sees us getting along, and thinks everything is fine. I keep telling him that by us not talking about it and starting on fixing things is just going to enable either one of us to cheat later on down the road.

Maybe you can start to understand why I'm going nuts. I really have learned things here, and while I'm not necessarily trying to teach WH anything, I want him to understand the importance of all of this stuff and he's not. I have this plethora of information and I want to share, share, share and work, work, work, but he doesn't get it "yet". I have the tools and the "power" to make our M a great one, but I can't do anything with it yet.

I understand Stef. I understand the frustration. At some point he has to understand as well.

But not until NC is established right?

Right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Not necessarily.

He isn't totally brain dead.

He just can't withdraw from her and the effect of your LB deposits is nullified by ongoing contact.

BUT he can still possibly start to understand how affairs aren't special and how NC is important and why.

How does he start to understand how affairs aren't special?

I was under the assumption that we were just co-habitating until NC was established...I didn't think ANY understanding or learning could be done until that happened.

Stef - WOW so many danged questions you make my head spin!!!

You cannot be in recovery until NC is established.

You can't be in recovery until he withdraws from OW.

Any efforts you make at meeting his EN's will most probably be ineffective while he is in an active affair. Any Love Busters will also be magnified. Often when a WS is in an affair, they won't allow their BS to meet any needs. This was certainly what happened with my wife. Didn't matter what I did I could not make any love bank deposits. Love bank withdrawals were easy.

BUT

This does not mean that he cannot read and learn a bit about affairs. You say he won't read? OK. How about getting His Needs Her Needs on Audio CD? I presume he can listen?

Well, as soon as I think I got it straight, you go and tell me I'm STILL wrong...make up your mind about what I know! It's not my fault I have so many questions...I blame YOU!!!

I know.

I know.


I do have to disagree with this...I think, until you change it on me too!

He is letting me meet his EN's. Remember, he wants to save the M now? He's in cake-eating mode, so he's going to let me meet all the EN's I want. He's just not trying too hard to meet mine (although, I do see him starting to try a little harder).


Oooo...that's a good idea. I'll have to check that out. I guess he can listen to other people...he doesn't usually listen to me too well!

OK I DID say normally. Clearly with a cake - eater such as WH this is only partly true. He is letting you meet SOME of his needs - not all - some are being met by OW - that's what cake-eaters do.

And Stef - I really do need to slap you now because you said this:-


WRONG.

Were his lips moving? Then he was lying. It's excruciatingly simple to tell when a WS is lying - their lips are moving.

I want a $1 from you for every time I have told you to not listen to his words but to watch what he DOES. He is exhibiting NO marriage saving behaviour at all. NONE. He wants you to forget everything and act like it never happened. He wants blind unconditional trust. He wants to cake eat.


Sometimes I have good ideas. Amazing isn't it.

What could OW be meeting now, if there's nothing else going on?


I was being sarcastic BigK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



He can want it all he wants, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let it happen!



It is amazing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well there is something going on Stef - that's why he's eating cake. He still sees her.

Darn - missed the sarcasm. OK all is good then. As long as we are on the same page here.

I just want my husband back.

You know we're not ALWAYS on the same page, but in this instance we are.

Every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

I totally understand Stef. I really do. He's in there somewhere. You might even see glimpses of him now and again. Which gets your hopes up and is dangerous.

I know you understand. It makes me so sad sometimes.

I do see glimpses of him every now and then. And I get anxious and happy, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Don't get impatient with him.

Check yourself on Plan A. Are you meeting needs? In the way he wants them met?
And have you STOPPED the LBers? Thats the biggy for you. Especially the DJ's. Did you read that article?

I am meeting his needs, and I think I'm doing an OK job of it.

My problem is all the triggers I'm getting. I never imagined they would be so frequent or come at the weirdest times like they do. I don't know how to handle them, so I clam up and act pouty with WH and don't want anything to do with him. And he doesn't know how to handle that, so he pretty much lets me be and we ignore each other. Then I'll get over the trigger, but I'm mad because he hasn't helped me through it at all. It's a downward spiral and I need to work on it.

I'm really trying to stop DJ's. And I'm actually getting better at avoiding them!

I just received a phone call from WH that his grandmother passed away last night.

She was 79 years old.

Any thoughts or prayers would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Hi Steph.

I often check your thread to see how you are doing. I am so very sorry about your loss. Was she sick Steph.? How is your WH doing?

Love and prayers for you both. Beth.

Thank you Beth.

She had had her 3rd stroke about a year ago. She had been in a nursing home ever since, with problems related to that and not related to that. The doctor said she just had too many things wrong with her and couldn't hold out anymore. I think she realized that too and knew she was never going to go back home and gave up.

I haven't seen WH today and I've only spoken to him when he called to tell me the news.

The kicker is I'm not welcome at the funeral. That makes me very sad because I loved her very much, but that's how it goes I guess.