{{Steph}} Why are you not welcome at the funeral?

WH's family hates me. They all want him to divorce me. I was accused of doing a terrible thing that I did not do and nobody believes that I didn't do it. So, because of that, they don't want anything to do with me.

Which is fine, I'm embarrassed enough at the accusation that I don't want to see any of them either.

Um - care to elaborate? This may have a lot to do with what's really going on here.
Mulan

I was accused of stealing money from WH's grandfather....I DID NOT!!!!

This happened after D-day though.

So, do ya think maybe they are using this as an excuse to get rid of you so they don't have to blame their dear son for wrecking the marriage? How was your relationship with these people before D-Day?

Mulan

Yep, I sure do.

I got along with his family OK, but was never close to any of them. His family isn't that close to each other. None of them ever treated me like part of the family. The only one that came close was WH's grandmother.

No loss having those people out of your life. Do something on your own to celebrate the life of WH's grandma.

I agree, but thank you so much for saying this.


I was going to find out where she will be buried and visit her a day or so after the funeral.

So sorry for your loss.

I know your husband believes in you -- why doesn't he stand up to his family on this issue?

Is there any way for you to prove your innocence?
I wouldn't let this go on.

Its not healthy for your marriage to have separate family functions (like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and events like this one). You and he should stand together. To allow his family to bully you into being separate is not right!

Hi Steph.

Thank you so much for your kind offer to email you. I spoke out before I was ready the other day. Think BigK's big heart had something to do with it! By the way, where is he?

I hope you are doing okay, this is such a sad time for you. I am so sorry your inlaws treat you this way, they are missing out on a delightful young lady being in their life.

Take care Steph. and be kind to yourself.

Beth.

Thank you for your kind words Lexxxy and Beth.

WH has stood up for me as much as he can. They won't listen to him either.

Unfortuntely, it's WH's grandfather's word against mine. And who wouldn't believe an old man over an in-law??? There is no way for either of us to prove the other right/wrong. Which is the hard part.

I spoke to my mom and I agreed to go with her to the visitation, but I will not be attending the funeral. I will pay further respects after the funeral is over.

Beth, the offer of emailing me stands. Use the invitation any time you wish.

BigK is out of town for a few days, he'll pop in when he can. I miss him too!

Steph.

Thinking of you. Guess you have your hands full but please report in as soon as you can. Just let us know you are okay. Hugs to you Steph.

Beth

Hi Beth Thanks for checking on me.

I lost power Friday night and haven't had it since. I've missed you guys! I'm having to use a family friends computer right now so I don't have long.

WH admitted that the A is still going on. I'm feeling very hurt and sad and mad and ready to fight and ready to give up.

It started up again about 2 weeks ago. He's talking divorce again and I'm not sure what my next step should be.

We've agreed to live in our house as "roommates" and he said that just because we're living together, he doesn't have any interest in saving the marriage and it doesn't mean that he's going to stop seeing her.

I made an immediate phone call to OW's BF and told him what I was told. He's still in denial, I think, but I'm going to call again when I get my phone records and we'll talk some more.

He said that the plans for the new job are in motion and should be happening in January.

Do I plan A until then? Financially, we really can't afford to live apart.

There is a little more to the story, but I have to run. I'll check back ASAP.

Any and all advice is appreciated.

I'm mad enough to fight and listen this time round.

Oh Steph. I am so sorry. You are not the first and you certainly and sadly will not be the last BS to be conned.
You're standing in my shoes, I just wish you weren't.

I think we so badly "want" to believe in them. We are still floundering from the initail betrayal, we are not thinking straight or logically. Surely they have seen how devastated we are. There is no way they would hurt us again, they wouldn't do it again and on purpose and lie to our faces.
We think we know them, we still love them and can't understand where they have gone.

But so often they do continue to cheat and it hurts like he11. A pain we all know far too well. I was thinking the other day that my battle with cancer was easier to handle.
At least the perpetrator was not someone I loved with all my heart.

I can't offer any advice Steph. My life couldn't be worse or maybe I shouldn't be saying that? Last time I did, I got more than I bargained for!! I can only sympathise and support you. I also know about the financial strain and that complicates matters further. I'm sure BigK will be along soon and I really would listen to him. He understands human nature and has a successful R under his belt.

If you want to vent email me anytime. I've got broad shoulders Steph. and they are there for you anytime you need them. Hugs to you Steph.

Love Beth

(((Stef)))

So sorry to hear this but unfortunately not surprised...

stph20,

I know this feeling well. I went through quite a few rounds with gemela where I caught her red-handed even while she was swearing she was over with the A. I remember one of the best pieces of advice I got was from Bigger who asked me once what I would do if I caught WW again. It was an interesting question. Prior to that I hoped for the best and hoped WW was telling me the truth. When I caught her in the lie, I went ballistic until Bigger taught me how to plan for the event - because he predicted (correctly) that it would happen.

WS's lie. They try to make it into an art form. Your WH is still in the A and will be until after NC is established. You had agreed to wait a certain period of time until OW changes jobs. So I guess I have to ask does this really change anything for you and your plan? I know the pain is immense but is this the last straw or merely a speed bump on your journey? As long as you are willing to wait until OW changes job locations, these things are going to happen. Your WH is still in his fog. He is still not your H yet even though you thought you recognized him and wanted to believe him.

What is your goal now?

stph20, I am so sorry.

((((((((stph20)))))))

Since you can't go back...what have you learned?

If you are feeling disappointed...maybe you had some 'expectations' of seeing your S....and that's what I think YOU can consider adjusting...

Remember...as long as there is contact with OW....you're living with a WS not S....and for the 'least' damage possible to you... NO EXPECTATIONS from a WS is best...or, if anything, EXPECT the worse...and if you plan to live as 'roommates'...detachment will be essential to your 'survival'....

Your WS's behaviour is 'normal' for a WS...

...will it influence your 'choice' to fight for the M? Will you choose to stay 'on course' and wait until January, or not?

...no need to decide right now.... put some 'distance' to be certain that you are not 'reacting' to your WS's news... is your WS 'draining' your LoveB too much?

...because, unfortunately, as BigK has put it...his behaviour is not surprising...

If you wanted to do something for yourself, to care for yourself...what would it be, stph20?

Pio is 1000% correct on this Stef. This is EXACTLY what you signed up for when you agreed to let him work with OW. And unfortunately this is exactly what I meant when I said that intellectually you KNOW you are not in recovery and the affair is not over but emotionally it's a different story.

Emotionally you had convinced yourself of things that are just not true so now you get hurt when things you knew intellectually are felt emotionally. Am I making ANY sense?

You have an active WS Stef. Seeing as your plan A has sucked so hard since he came home, I (unbelievably) suggest you stick to your plan and do a stellar Plan A at least for 4-6 weeks. Please do read ALL the link under Pep's Plan A in my signature below. It is Plan A chapter and verse. Chin up Stef - from my POV this is not even a setback - it is expected behaviour for a still WS.

Don't expect too much from him and DO NOT have SF with him. Lay off the Relationship talk.

Consider it done BigK.

I'll anwer everyone's questions later. I don't have time right now.

I loved Pio's post as well...he is correct in all aspects.

Let me clear on something....I am NOT AT ALL surprised that this happened. I knew it would, but had hoped that it wouldn't. And I understand exactly where you're coming from BigK. I might be starting to come out of my own fog!!

I just can't stand to hear the divorce talk anymore from him.

I am going to give it my best shot at being roommates with him until Plan B. I had always thought we would need Plan B, and now I'm going to be getting ready for it in about 4 weeks. That goes along with my original plan.

I'm hurt and ANGRY, but not at all shocked. I was just waiting for the shoe to drop.

I already called the OW's BF on Friday and let him know what was up.

Do I need to re-expose since it never really stopped???

Dear (Dealership owner & General Manager)

Hello, my name is Stepanie xxx. I have been informed by my husband and your employee, F xxxx, that you are all aware of the situation occuring within your dealership between F and Ms. Stinkbutt. In case you don't know, suffice it to say they are engaging in an adulterous sexual relationship and have been, continuously, since about June, 2006.

I am attempting to save my marriage and hope that someone at the dealership understands and respects the institution of marriage. I can not save my marriage as long as these to have any contact with each other. In order to accomplish this, I believe, it is my wish and hope that you would consider terminating one or both of them from your employ. Since Ms. Stinkbutt is more easily replacable and is already leaving your dealership in January to take a already offered and accepted position with the new ABC dealership down the road...perhaps SHE would be the better choice for you.

Furthermore, enabling infidelity in the workplace, in any way including merely ignoring it, may have legal implications for your company within the context of any sexual harassment lawsuit instituted by any of your other employees in the future. It can be used to demonstrate tolerance of a sexually hostile and immoral work environment. Please consult with your attorney for further counsel on the subject.

This letter is not meant to be vindictive or in any way threatening, I merely want the opportunity to perhaps save my marriage. Again, I can only potentially accomplish this goal IF these two are separated.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Stephanie XXX
(sss) abc-defg