RE: Exposure Stef - expose to anyone who can influence his behaviour.

Love ya work MrW. Ms. Stinkbutt. Love dat.

Awesome letter Mr. W!!!

I love it. I will print it and copy it and send it ASAP.

Thank you so much for yours and Mrs. W's help...I am totally indebted to you.

stph20,

I know you have been doing some thinking about the 180 plan. I think it would be a huge mistake to try to implement it right now. Regardless of how you have gotten to the point where you are, you are there now. Nothing you can do (differently) in the next 4 weeks is going to change things appreciably. If you are going to remain in Plan A, then (IMHO) I think you need to do a stellar Plan A for those 4 weeks. Put 180 out of your mind. For the next month, you are running a sprint instead of a marathon. At this moment, Plan A and Plan B are both valid options. Plan 180 is not.

Hi stph20,

If you stil WANT to try and save your marriage...and I think you do...since we are talking about 4 weeks (a very very FINITE period)....a good plan would be.... PLAN A....and if needed...PLAN B.

...and take care of YOURSELF...because you can't count on a WS to do that!

Hi Pio and BigK...and really like Mr. W's letter, too...hit them where it hurts...LOL!

Pio, I have been thinking about the 180's. I, too, think it's a bad idea right now.

I might skip that part of the plan and go directly into Plan B.

I plan on going to Plan B January 1 or sometime there soon after.

I found out from WH today that OW is leaving at the end of January (supposedly).

He also told me that he wasn't going to keep anything from me anymore...LOL. I found that humorous.

And OW's BF didn't say anything to OW about my phone call on Friday afternoon until Saturday night. Wonder why that is???? I think another phone call is soon in order...

I think I want to save my marriage Luna, but, to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm still fighting for.

Stay in full Plan A until you go to Plan B. A friend of mine told me something once that has helped me in many situations. He said you can stand on your head for months as long as you know when it is going to end. It is the indefinitedness...indefininity....indefiniteshness...DARN IT! - THE NOT KNOWING...that tears you up. If you have a definite date at which you are going to Plan B, you can put up with quite a lot. Throw 180 in the toilet.

Agree very much with Pio. But you must be fully prepared for Plan B first so your impetuous nature does not bring you undone.

BigK--

My what nature?

You are impetuous Stef - do stuff without thinking. Shoot from the hip. Ignore sound advice.

I DO NOT!!!!

I listen to you...eventually.

I sent Mr. W's letter to WH's dealership today.

I'm a little nervous, but it will all be OK in the long run.

WH was very wishy-washy again tonight. At least he wasn't dead set on divorce, although he has an appointment with a laywer tomorrow at noon. Just for information, or so he says. But I have a feeling he won't file.

It's not MY letter, it's urine <snicker>.

You did it...you had the courage to finally follow through.

It took you a bit and you may yet have some doubts about doing it...but, in the long run you will be pleased with your efforts today regardless of the outcome.

Mr. Wondering

Now listen up Stef. Ignore what he says. You can expect some vicious fog-babble. DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE for exposing or wanting to save your marriage.

My WW met with a lawyer but didn't file. WSs do it to intimidate you and get you to give up. Plus, my WW would have had a hard time plopping down that $1000 retainer.

Yeah, I don't think he's going to file because we can't afford it right now. That's my only saving grace. Plus, he was miserable when he was talking to me tonight about what he may or may not want.

I will no longer apologize to myself or to WH for trying to save my marriage.

I know I can do this and I know that I will be OK with or without him (but hopefully with).

Our first separation gave the strength I need to get through this go-around.

stph20,

If he goes to see a lawyer, the lawyer may tell him exactly that - that he cannot afford to divorce. Lawyers are paid for their time and advice and his lawyer should lay things out for him very clearly. My bet is that he will leave the lawyer's office extremely depressed. Up till now, it has all been fantasy, fun and play. The visit with the lawyer will be like cold water in the face. It may not change his mind about divorce but I bet it gets his attention.

I'm not really worried about the lawyer at all. I spoke again to WH tonight and he said he doesn't know if he's going to even go to the appointment or not. I told him, well, you don't have to file, if you just want to go for information. He still said he's not sure what he wants.

I did tell him that I know what he's said and how he's acted this past month that he's been back home and I don't believe that it was all a lie and that he wanted a D the whole time. He told me I was right. He was still miserable sounding. I have been sooo good talking to him! I'm proud of myself.

So he did come back willing to work things out, then OW wouldn't let go of her clutches and he got suckered back in.

How do I know if Plan B will be necessary or not?

Stef.... What part of "Lay off the relationship talk" is unclear to you. You are driving him crazy. Exactly what do you hope to achieve with these pointless conversations with WH? Stop trying to educate him OK? (It's a LB)

Plan B will be necessary if Plan A doesn't end the affair ie they are no longer working together.

Keep it light and fun Stef. Don't discuss lawyers. C'mon you can do this. Surprise him.

Plan B will be necessary when you can't take it anymore.
When his cake-eating and indecision finally forces you to take action to save your sanity.

BigK is dead-on -- stop having relationship talks!!!
ICK!!!

My BH always wanted to talk about "us" and what I thought about things (I HATED IT...AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS....MADE ME AVOID HIM TOO!)

We all know and recognize how smart you have gotten at all this relationship stuff. BUT YOU'RE NOT AN EXPERT TO HIM!
To him, you're the wife that didn't xxx or yyy. You're the one who didn't meet his needs. So why on earth would he consider you the one to fix everything??? You're no better at this relationship stuff than he is! (just telling you like he sees it)

Demonstrate your changes. That is all you can do. Meet his needs in a way he wants you to. Make all interactions positive and fill that lovebank.
STOP ALL ACTIVITIES THAT DEPLETES HIS BANK.
no asking questions.
no demanding answers.
no relationship talks.
no disrespectful judgements.

And you have to get really good at this -- otherwise Plan B will be nothing but a relief to him! Don't even consider doing Plan A and 180's at the same time -- its sends a contradictory message.

180's are great a week or two before you boot him and go to Plan B. Then he will sit there, unable to talk to you and wondering what you are up to, with the thoughts that he might have made a big mistake and pushed you too far....

ooops double!