stph,

The reason people have been advising you to go to Plan B was to preserve what love you have left. If you continue in Plan A too long, eventually you lose all love and therefore all reason to continue. Plan B is for your self-preservation. I was in Plan A way too long. It is now showing and taking its toll. If it is your desire to remain as you are unti January to see if OW goes away then hold your breath, close your eyes and go full speed ahead with that. Write that down for when you forget that was your decision so you can read it and remind yourself.

Just don't expect anything to get better meanwhile. This is the path that YOU have chosen. Love it or hate it, you have to live with it. Stay away from the LB's.

I agree 1000% with Pio.

So do I.

I lose my focus sometimes and I need to keep my eye on the ball, so to speak.

I've got a plan, and I'm sticking with it. I'll get hurt again along the way, I'm sure, because I don't know how to have low expectations of WH, but I'm tough enough to stick it out.

WH did tell me some things that I have been saying that he doesn't like, so I can stop that. I was LBing and not even knowing it.

My plan for this weekend is to read up on everything and learn it like the back of my hand. And stay tough!

Great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> As if I weren't already confused enough...

That was beautiful Mr W!

I get it...

Well could you explain it to me - in English - in 15 words or less?

I can explain it to you somewhat

In a lot more than 15 words (but then I'm an attorney so nothing can be that straight forward)

I posted the poem as a way to express some of the things I discussed with Steph when she called my wife and I on the phone the other evening. I wanted Steph to get away from dwelling on this negative event in her life as a way to cope and effectively Plan A. It's bad, but not that bad. She's very young. It could be worse...they could have 4 kids, huge debt and be living in the middle east <snicker>. Further, she at least discovered the infidelity and has the OPPORTUNITY NOW to do something about it. Many here find out 10 years later AFTER they have kids and many wasted years. Literally, if THIS is the worst thing that ever happens to Stephanie she'd actually be pretty fortunate. Whatever her husband ends up doing...Steph is going to be OK thus she may as well start being OK NOW. She's does have a choice to make...does her husbands affair define her and her life or is she going to end up BETTER...at first in spite of it then in the end regardless of it. Remember..."in the end"...we all end up dead anyway thus, live...NOW.

I posted the poem originally on the Just Found Out board with some explanation.

Here is the link ---- > NOW is HOW

Mr. W

Great Post MrW

Okay stph. Now I get it. So what Longfellow was saying is that you aren't nearly as bad off as me. That's a plus.

Only because I live in the US. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, Pio, I'm failing to see how I'm better off than you...my husband cheated, your wife cheated, my husband wanted a divorce, your wife wanted a divorce, my husband wants to work on our marriage, your wife wants to work on your marriage.

The only difference I see is that you stayed in Plan A too long and I didn't have that much time. Your stuff has been going on a lot longer than mine (sorry, don't feel bad). Therefore, you lost your emotions for G and I still sorta love WH.

And I say sorta because I'm not "in love" with him anymore and I don't love him like I used to. And he feels the same way about me. I think. He may be in love with me, I don't know and probably won't know until NC is established and he pulls his head from his a$$.

Another difference I see is that I still have faith that my marriage can survive and thrive from this experience. You have kind of given up and don't care. I still do.

bump <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Merry Christmas everyone.

I want to thank each and every one of you who has EVER posted to me...you have no idea what the support and advice and "beatings" have meant to me, even if I didn't act that way sometimes.

I know I was a little hard-headed at times (!), but I do appreciate the time and effort you ALL took to help me...a complete stranger you don't even know.

I sincerely took it all to heart, believe me or not.

And I sincerely thank you. All of you.

Happy Holidays.

Right back atcha...hope you find peace and joy during this Blessed Season. I have my work cut out for me and if I can make it through these next few days I believe I can do anything. I am thinking of you and all TKO during this wonderous and difficult time. If we keep in mind the real reason for the season we will be grounded and strengthened.
Luv and hugs,
2mhb

Thank you 2much.
You can make it through and you can do anything. Believe in yourself.


Absolutely.

OK, I need help again.

I'm finding myself getting to wrapped up in recovery when I logically know that it's not going to happen yet and I'm expecting too much from WH which is making my Plan A slip a little.

WH has his good and bad days where we're concerned...sometimes he wants to be single, but most of the time he wants to be with me.

So, my question is should go the 180 route? I know a lot of people are against it and I understand why, I'm just hoping to get others' input on it. Pro's and con's. I had thought about doing it for my own sanity, but it may not be the best idea IF Plan B is needed soon.

Opinions on this would be greatly appreciated.

stph,

If you could give me a quick recap of your situation and where you are right now, I'll give you my advice in the morning. Please excuse me if I don't have time to wade through 46 pages of your story.

Jim-

It's OK, I don't blame you for not reading the whole thread...it is pretty long!

My story is kind of too, so bear with me.

You and I are very similiar judging from your sig line, I've noticed.

I am 26, WH is 27, we have been together for 7 years and married for 4 years. We have no kids. Dday was August 19, 2006. He started divorce talk July 29. He moved out for a week right before Dday and moved back in saying he wanted to work things out. Then Dday happened and he thought we could live together as roommates, until he realized he was too attracted to me and that made him mad and he moved out again for 6 weeks on Sept. 11. He moved back in Oct. 29. 2 weeks after that, the A started up again. And he started in on wanting a D again. Due to a power outage, we were separated again for a week, since neither of us could stay at our home, from 11/2 to 11/8. By the time we got power back, and moved back in, he wanted to work things out again. As far as I know, nothing is going on, but he's still a WH, so even if he is telling the truth, I still have the mentality that there is, because they still work together. OW should be leaving there at the end of January. WH is thinking of leaving there in March, if things go right. I have been in Plan A basically since August. It has been mostly an EA, with very little PA thrown in the mix. Right now he says he has virtually NC with her, because he's been too busy.

Sometimes he wants to be with me, sometimes he wants to be single, sometimes he still wants to be with OW. So, who knows what's going on.

Admittedly, I let WH come home too soon in Oct. I didn't establish clear or strong enough boundaries. I'm working on that. I've just been waiting for January to see if she will leave. She told WH she is. If she does, we'll get to work, if she doesn't, it's time for WH to make some decisions and if he can't, it's time for me to go to Plan B.

I've been very confused and in my own BS fog sometimes and that may have hurt me, but I'm to the point now, where I just don't care anymore. I still want to save my marriage, don't get me wrong, but I know that I will be OK with or without him, so I don't care what I have to do in order for this work. I'm not confused anymore. I get tired, but I have never given up the fight.

If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Man, sometimes I think wouldn't it just be easier to hook up with another twenty-something BS and move on with my life, but I digress.

Here is what I would do. I would lovingly detach from him somewhat. Don't initiate any affection, but don't turn down any attempts from him at it (of course except SF unless he has stopped sleeping with OW and has gotten tested). No relationship talk either, just try and have fun together. Continue to try and meet his ENs, but make sure you are doing plenty for yourself, going out with the girls, getting that new pair of shoes you wanted, etc. Also, continue to snoop and enforce your boundaries. Let your WH know he is still welcome in the M, but certain guidelines must be followed (no blatant hooking up with OW or else he stays somewhere else). If the OW does not leave in Jan, let him know that he should leave. If he doesn't, then it is time for plan B. I would set the date around Valentine's Day. Let him think about it and stew. The reason he cannot commit to you is because he is in a state of perpetual withdrawal because he works with the OW, and things would likely improve if one of them finally left the company. I would also make sure the A is exposed to the company if she does not leave if it hasn't been done so already. Do not shield a WS from the consequences of their actions.

Hopefully, that will help you out. If you need more advice, you know where to find me. I know how tough it is during the holidays, but it seems like your situation definitely has hope. Keep up the good work.

Stph --
You have very little time left for your Plan A. don't blow it, or you will have regrets.
You agreed (to yourself) that you would stay in Plan A until OW was gone at the end of January.
Don't sabotage all your hard work with apathy.
You have another month. Then you are entitled to expect more from him -- after withdrawal.

180's will only confuse the message you've been trying to give him -- That you want the marriage and are willing to work for it.
180's are only allowed right at Plan B time or during Plan B. It is in direct conflict with the Plan A message.