Well, here I am with another update for anyone who remembers me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

First thing to report – my divorce was finalized on July 6th. Although I am no longer married, the finances still haven’t been sorted out – WXH is still dragging his feet about disclosing what he has! OW has come down hard on what he gives me, and what she says pretty much goes. She completely runs things over there, I think. The last time I received a letter from WXH about his contact with the children, she signed it as well!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> As if she had anything to do with it!

So obviously, he and the OW are still living together. As far as I can see from my position of complete NC (that is, the impression I get from my DDs when they visit there) everything is still rosy in affairland. The girls even went on holiday with the infidels this summer – to Spain, to meet the OW’s parents. They stayed with them for nearly two weeks.

I had my own week with the girls in the Lake District – at a place called Centre Parcs – with my parents and my sister who came over to England from the States to be with us. We had a great time! After this I went to Spain on my own (not to stalk the girls and the infidels but to meet up with the man-who-would-be-my-boyfriend).

I have mentioned him before – let’s call him G. G is someone I have known since I was 11 – we went to school together. He has told me that he has always loved me. He wants to marry me. I have told him that (obviously) this is far, far too soon for me, and deep down I genuinely have doubts if I could ever feel more for him than friendship. Frankly, though, I could say this about any man. After WXH left he broke my heart, and now I just feel dead inside when it comes to men. Also, I like my independence – and I cannot stand the thought of ever being dependent on a man again.

Still, G is making enquiries about getting a job in the UK. He knows we would have a ‘long distance’ relationship for at least a while. This suits me fine. I just wish I felt more for him than I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My DDs are doing great. Both of them have SATS this year (ability tests) and I am hopeful they will do well. They seem happy enough to visit the infidels, and seem to like the OW. I am pleased in a way that they get on with the OW – I wouldn’t want them to be unhappy about going around there – but do wish sometimes that the girls had caused just a little more conflict there.

In fact, I wish that anyone had caused a little more conflict in the affair! No-one did a single thing to try save my marriage apart from me (backed up by the good folks on this board). I initially received personal support from (ex) MIL and FIL but they never said a harsh word to WXH or the OW about the A (she is the new 'DIL') and now they never call me and the last time they came to visit WXH when the girls were around there they didn’t come and see me afterwards (they always did before). I am divorced from that family. People on here warned me about it, but I never thought it would happen. It makes me very sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Health-wise, things continue to fluctuate. Whilst I was in Spain I had another Crohn’s flareup <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> and am back on steroids again. Now they are going to put me on immunosuppressants when I go and see my specialist in October. I dread going onto such strong medication but I’ve had four flare-ups since WXH left in April ’05 and have been on steroids each time. My bones are melting. Melting!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If things work out with these new drugs I may be able to get a job (something which has hitherto been impossible for me).

Emotionally I am healing, but it is taking a lot longer than I had hoped. Firstly, I still can’t believe what EXH did to our family! Second, I cannot get over his total lack of remorse or regret. Thirdly, I find it very hard to accept that this is almost certainly one of the 3% of affairs that make it, but I know it is. Fourthly, I am still stuck in a dilemma about whether I should move away from here or not. Although I never see or speak to WXH, I find it very hard knowing he is so close (1/2 mile up the road) and I totally resent the influence of the scabby OW in my daughter’s lives. I feel like she is trying to take over my home by stealth – she has had a very bad influence on WXH’s attitude as to what kinds of things are appropriate for a young girl. WXH buys DD13 what can only be described as very tarty clothes, items that he would never have considered when we were together (I won’t have anything they buy in my house, but it grates on me that DD13 walks around like that when she is over there). Also, when they arrived home from the two weeks in Spain, DD13’s face was plastered with makeup.

But apart from all this, I really am doing OK! I thought my life was over when WXH left me, but I do find happiness and beauty in every day, although I still spend too much time thinking about WXH and his ‘crimes’. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Occasionally, I think I am actually better off without him, and these moments are occurring more frequently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am, and will remain for a long time, so grateful for this site. Although I don’t really post any more, I lurk often and find strength. Again, I would like to thank everyone who put such an effort into trying to save my marriage. It wasn’t to be, but on an individual level, and as far as I was able to follow them, the MB principals have still served me admirably.

Thanks to all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hey, Al.

Good to see you. I'll read your update in a bit. Have a meeting to go to right now. Just wanted to say hey right away.

Dear, dear Alphin,
-- not so far away from me as most posters --
((((Alphin))))

I'm so sorry your X has permanently taken residence in the mothership (ya know, the one that controls the minds of WS's).
I CAN imagine the hurt, the disbelief, the feeling of being better off mixed with the "OMG, why?" as if you're stuck in some bad movie or dream and can't wake up.
I have been living by myself for 1 year now, contact with X for our dog (that we co-parent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).
He's still with GF #3 (or is it #4?) and I think she's close to moving in with him.
Weird to see how things in "our" house are still where I put them.. just I'm no longer there.
It seems almost surreal at moments.

Yet when I look closely at X and how he acts, what he says.. I'm SOOOO glad to be out of his life!

Oh well, enough about me already ;-).
Dear Alphin, if you're not going to post (that much), feel free to e-mail me at britfrombelgium@hotmail.com
and if you want I'll drop by some time soon..
England is not that far, really !
Greetz and hugs,
Brit

Hey Aphelion - talk to you later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Brownhair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Do you get on OK with your X during the dog co-parenting? Now we are divorced, I feel that I should maybe make contact with WXH for the girls' sakes, but I know that any conversation I have with him now is actually a conversation with the OW (it's like she's taken up residence in his body). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So it would be hard to have any kind of co-parenting relationship with WXH as OW thinks she has the right to be involved in/run everything.

Perhaps I should just leave him to his fate.

Alph.

{{{{alph}}}}

Your XH is the biggest arsehat I ever knew.

But you, lady. You are a tigress.

Continue to be a decent person in a wilderness of enabling idiots.

Hi Alphin! I often wonder about you. So sorry about your health and the continued idiocy of your EXH. I think it will solely up to you to instill in your girls what is right and wrong. Please be sure to give that 13 y/o a hug and tell her how beautiful she is without makeup!

Take care.

I wonder if your XH misses his b a l l s

???????????????

Pep

(((Alphin))) Good to hear from you!

Alph- do not be afraid to make contact with your in-laws. (former in-laws) after all, they are still the grandparents of your girls. In all reality, they are very embarrassed right now, and just don't know how to reach out. If you pick up the phone to call and see how they are - I suspect they would be very relieved. They just don't know how to act. They probably think that you are trying to move on with your life, and don’t want them "bugging" you.
I guarantee you, things are not good in A land. You really have no idea what is happening over there, but I am 100% sure that things are not going well. I have seen it happen in my own situation – I was sure that my Ex and OW#1 were truly happy and would be the 3% - but they didn’t make it for long after the D was final. I have also seen too many other situations, here and with friends of mine,that do not work out. I think the 3% who do work, are actually just the rare lot who stick it out, in spite of their misery, just because they are too embarrassed to give up.

When your girls come home with talk of how wonderful their time was at dads place, I guarantee you it was all a big act. OW and H put their arguments aside and play happy in front of the girls. Especially while OW was waiting for your D to be final, I am certain she was on her best behavior. She wanted to win the “prize”. But you and I know a big secret – your ex is no prize!!! Now that she has “won” she is going to realize that this is it – this is all there is. I am sure she had hoped that some day life would be grand; she just had to get rid of that annoying little wife of his. But now she has gotten rid of the wife, and life hasn’t really changed for her. Your ex is still drinking too much, still moody, still spending too much money on his girls. You see, she got a hold of him when he was in the middle of a very selfish phase in his life – he felt entitled to be happy all the time, with no cares, and a woman who would gush over him. That is how she “snagged him.” Problem is, he is still in that phase. She is ready to move onto a mutually rewarding, adult, mature relationship. But he is still selfish, still feeling entitled. Why should he give anything to her? He was looking for a twit to gush over him, and she was the one. That is it. That is what he wanted, and he got it. When she tries to change the rules of their relationship now, he is going to become moody and withdrawn. He didn’t leave his wife and children to get into a R that involves work, and sacrifice on his part. It is supposed to be easy, all the time. She is not allowed to make any demands.

But you can see that she is all ready trying to make demands, to insert her influences. She signed a letter about your girls! What a tart! When she does that sort of thing, and you don’t react, but instead maintain your cool, mature, poised composure, you just make her look even worse. You make her even angrier. I see this still, today, with my Ex’s new wife (OW#2). I have nothing to do with her – she truly means nothing to me. But occasionally she tries to get me involved in some sort of debate with her. Several months ago she sent me an email complaining about how my boys were behaving at “her” house, because she said ‘their father won’t get involved,’ so she was “forced” to deal with the situation on her own by emailing me. I didn’t respond to her – the email was a bunch of childish gibberish on her part – and I know that she was even angrier when I didn’t respond! Can you imagine the fights those two had!! Her complaining about the boys, him ignoring her, then her complaining about me, and him ignoring her. Honestly, you cause more trouble in their A by just ignoring them, living a good life, and letting them self destruct on their own.

I will share one last little insight with you. I have married a wonderful man, who has 2 daughters from his previous marriage. They are adorable girls, and I love spending time with them. BUT they do have moments when they drive me crazy! I don’t tell them that – they are just being kids. But they like to talk about their mom all the time. They adore their mom. After all – no matter what she does, that is their mom. If I wear a red blouse, they say “mommy has a blouse like that” if I put on finger nail polish they say “mommy wears finger nail polish” get the picture? They love mommy and want to talk about her. They just figure that all parts of their lives should be combined. And because I am mature, and my new husband and I started our marriage on a good, solid foundation, I am able to let these things happen and just smile. I don’t make a big fuss, they are just acting like kids. BUT – what if I was the selfish, insecure, home wreaking OW? Would I be able to act like a grown up? Or would I pout and throw a fit every time I have to hear about MY husbands ex wife? What do you think your Ex’s OW does every time your girls say anything about mommy?

Hi Alphin, sorry the health problems persist.

I'm sure the A won't make it. Be it 2 yrs, 5 yrs or 10 yrs down the line, they will fall apart.

As for you, enjoy the company of 'G' but you don't need to rush things. If he's waited for you since he was 11 then what's a couple more years! Take care TT

WomanOfFaith5

what an intelligent & thoughtful post

thanks for writing ... I enjoyed reading your words

Pep

Good to hear you're moving on Alphin. I'll be in the same place soon enough. Hang in there, you sound good.

Hi b0b <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


I think so too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hope things are continuing well for you and Squid!

Faithful, it's lovely to 'see' you. I am following your '15 year' thread! I'm glad things are working out better for you. And yes, I do feel that I am the only one able to show some decency to my girls.

Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Who knows? He handed them over to the OW so willingly. People who see them together tell me that WXH has a permanent hunch now, a look of defeat, and walks behind the OW. She leads and he follows!

Hi Jean! I don't post much any more, but I'm always lurking on your thread. I must pop in and say 'hi' more often! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOF5 - thank you for such a wonderful and insightful post. I'm going to 'chew it over' for a while so I can give it the response it deserves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TT - The reason I think the A will make it? Although WXH has never openly admitted guilt or remorse, unless he is a completely evil man he must surely feel these things (not for me, but for the children). He will cling to this relationship forever, to prove it is 'right' and 'good' and that all the agony he has caused his family was for the best. Also, as he moved straight in with the OW, he literally has nowhere else to go. I think that, deep inside, he realises he has made a mistake, but knows there is no going back, and so he must make the best of things.

Of course, the OW could dump him whenever she wants. She doesn't have the same baggage.

And you're right about 'G'. I am taking it very slowly... we aren't even in the same country at the moment! Suits me fine.

Grapegirl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi! I'm sorry about the way things have happened in your sitch. I really did think that CH might one day come to his senses - but he still seems as foggy as ever! Hope the kids are doing OK?

Thanks again, folks.

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

How do you manage to get the girls to your X and maintaining NC?
Or do they walk over there (as it's only 1/2 mile up the road)?

I drop off the dog at my XFIL, that's no problem, but when I pick it up I have to wait for X to arrive so I see him once a week.
I am generally a kind and civilised person, so I'm civilised around him.
I keep the conversation very matter-of-fact, like "was she fed already or not" or "I gave her her tick medication" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.
I can feel that doesn't sit well with X; he wants to be "friends" and act like nothing happened, and that sometimes results in some passive-agressive behavior from his part.
That really just makes me want to not see him at all anymore, like you.

My parents D'd when I was 14.
My dad always remained single, my mom didn't get into an R until 5 years later, so there was no issue of any OP.
My mom moved out and I went to live with her: and that was it.
I was free to live with either one or visit either one or whatever, but they had no contact unless for some rare financial matter.
That contact was always strained.
My mother also got a passive-agressive treatment from my dad, who could easily intimidate her that way.

What I really would have needed was my mom to stand up for herself.
She could only do that by completely removing herself from my father, who was very domineering.

My point is - anything you can do to make yourself stronger and more balanced will be a benefit to your girls.
They're not as naive as grown ups tend to think.
They know the difference between getting nice things to "buy" their love and real love, support and respect.
They will learn from your example.
So do what is best for you, what makes you strong and whole, with respect for others - and for you - and that is what you will pass on to your children.

Hey Alphin!! I'm glad to see you and read your update. Sorry to hear that health problems still persist but I wish you much strength and happiness.

About the men (in general) thing... I hear you. I feel the same way!

Keep doing good things for yourself... OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~A

Brownhair,

I manage NC because he collects the girls from the house and they meet him at the front door. Then he drops them off back at the house afterwards.

I am a much stronger person now than I was when WXH left, that is for darn sure! Unfortunately, though, not physically. It is hard to concentrate of self improvement when you are stuck at home most days.

I do read a lot; there is the possibility that I may be going to Berlin for Christmas this year (it's WXH's turn with the girls for Christmas Day - he'll have them for a week) - so I am beginning to learn German. But in WXH's eyes - as far as he can see - which isn't very far <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> - I'm still the same housefrau who sits at home on her can all day (spending his money) even though I have this illness. I'm not the thrusting, interesting career girl that OW is.

I don't care too much what he thinks of me. But I do want him to regret his decisions one day, and he can't regret being shot of a sick person like me.

Hey Ashley! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think about you ALOT, girl! I always read your updates - I'm glad things are going ok for you, even if the job is a drag!

Take care.

Alph.

Hi Darl' !

I couldn't let THIS pass :

I'm still the same housefrau who sits at home on her can all day (spending his money) even though I have this illness. I'm not the thrusting, interesting career girl that OW is.


ANY man who doesn't appreciate that raising his kids at home and being the life support system of the whole family is not the hardest, most boring and thankless job on earth should spend a month without help.

I spent 2 months after d-day being my kids and household primary carer and it was very hard indeed, not just because of the hours but because of the sheer DULLNESS of it. I'm sure some people feel rewarded by ironing, or by tidying up only for the same crap to be dumped back on the floor within an hour but that sure isn't me.

i always SORT OF knew Squid wasn't fulfilled in her role as SAHM, but a part of me thought a large part of the day was watching Jeremy Kyle and talking bollocks with her friend up the road, but when I did her job (OK under stress too) I saw that such breaks were essential if life was to be tolerable.

If your XH really thinks that he is abigger arsehole than I ever dreamed an dyou are WELL rid of him.

Sorry about your kids being with Tartilla Espanol BTW. Must be hard for you to choke down but you can take joy in the thought of how all the 'mommy' talk will tick OW off.

When he left he told me that I had wasted my time staying at home with the kids, and that they'd've turned out just the same if I had gone to work. Even though I had tried to do things for myself whilst being a STAM (like getting a masters degree!) he said I'd wasted my time (and his money) because I hadn't written a novel yet (degree was in creative writing).

I know that he and OW want to get married and have children. She is a career girl and I doubt she'll be staying home with her baby any longer than she has to.

More and more I realise that everything WXH has said over the past 18 months or so has come from the Omelette. He opens his mouth and she spews out, Exorcist-like! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

For a teacher XH betrays a very poor grasp of child welfare IMO.

There is a body of research that shows that a "contantly available parent" is of huge worth in the physical and emotional development of children. I'll dig it out if you care.

Besides which I don't like your XH so bollocks to him whatever he thinks. Harumph ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

His opinion on the merits of my being a 'constantly available parent' seemed to change overnight after he began his affair with Omelette. Strange, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Right from the beginning of our marriage, we decided together that I would stay at home with our children. We knew of and agreed with the research you mention.

I know it's all justification crap. What makes me so mad is that my kids are now so great, so fricking well-adjusted (despite what their father has done to them) that they are causing no conflict in the affair relationship whatsover!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.