I have had no contact now for over 2 months with my OW. I am now out of the fog but certainly not out of grief/withdrawal. I am slowly reconstructing my life after nearly 9 years of the affair. We had a child together, who will be 3 in December. I am committed to no contact and I’m sure the OW has moved on now. Because of the child the OW developed a relationship with my mother and they may still be in contact, but I’m afraid to ask. I have finally come to realize that my continued contact with the OW just prolonged the affair and prevented either of us from healing.
So the question is should I ask my mother if she has seen or heard from the OW and how is the child? Would asking this and getting an answer restart the withdrawal? Would it be safer to just forget it?
The problem is how do I know the child is alive and well? If the OW never contacts me again in any way, how do I know that I should keep paying child support? Any suggestions?

The short answer is yes. I think you will find it will be a shock wave through your system. big MB hugs to you for doing the right thing.

I agree with FF. I think it will set you back and you will have lost hard fought for territory in your marriage and overcoming withdrawal.

We have a similar situation where OW and MIL developed a relationship. We don't know if they still are in touch.......my H does not ask. I would like to know for myself what is happening, but I am afraid it will send me back to a bad place that I have had a hard time leaving behind. And it has been nearly a year since we heard anything about them and that was court related CS issues. I think it would be hard for your wife, as well.

If it has only been two months, let well enough alone.

grxannm,

My W and I are 6 months out from D-day. As you may or may not know, we do have contact with the child.

I will not fault you if you feel no contact is what is best for yourself or your family, I don't know all of your situation.

I can talk from experiance about your primary question.

The key here is NC with OW. No phone, No Direct Email, Nadda. Trust me, you will spare yourself lots of aggravation. Talking to your mom I belive is safe. The key here is to keep focused on the issue of the child. Don't start wondering off asking about OW and how she is doing, yada, yada, yada. That will just mess with your head. Stay focused. Keep it short. If your mother wants to start talking about OW, then cut the conversation short. Be polite, she is your mother, but don't allow her or anyone to start talking about the OW to you. Again, it just messes with your head.

TH

Being only 2 months in recovery, I don't think it would be a good idea at all to ask your mother about the OC. It may not seem like it, but the OC is still linked with OW for you. You have spent 9 yrs in an A with the xOW and are only 2 months into recovery, I say that is NOT enough time to seperate the OC and the OW. As far as CS issues, well, are they court ordered? If they are, it doesn't matter if you haven't seen or had any contact with the OC, you still need to pay them. If they are not court ordered, well, at this point, anything you HAVE paid as "CS" can and probably will be considered a gift, and you could very well be responsible for back CS for the past 3 years. What have you done on the legal side in regards to DNA and CS? And, the biggest and MOST IMPORTANT question, how does your W feel about asking your mother about the OC? Your W and any children of your M NEED to come FIRST, especially since they haven't for the past 9 years! Don't go searching for the information. If it comes to you, share it with your W and decide together what you will do with it. As a birth parent of an adopted child, you CAN live your life with out any contact with the child. It's a VERY similar thing if you look at it that way. Right now, you NEED to do what's best for your W and your M.