Hi everyone in the on-line family. My girlfriend and I just broke up and I wanna get back together with her so badly. We dated for 6 months and I haven't felt this low since my divorce. She says she still loves me but is afraid that we won't make it in the long run and she doesn't want either of us to be in pain.

The problem is that we argued and took a lot of "breaks" in our relationship because I didn't feel close enough to her being that she never introduced me to her friends. I wanted to validate our relationship but instead I got angry and hurt her by instigating most of these breaks.

Now, I want her back and she is saying that she loves me and that she wants me in her life and that she can't imagine being with anyone else. I need to know what I can do, if anything, to work this out and make it work between us? She is 23 years old and I'm 35. I want her back and can't stand the pain. Just really need some advice.... She says she doesn't want to be alone.

Coughlin,

Sorry for the turn of events, but I am having trouble figuring out what happened. If you both love each other and want to be together, why did you break up?

Also, her comment that she does not want to be alone is a little disconcerting - that should be the last reason to stay in a relationship.

Can you provide some more background to what happened over the past six months?

Edit: I read some of your previous posts, it sounds like this relationship was marked by many issues that did not get resolved. It doesn't make it any less painful, but it does sound like this is for the best, IMO. She has a lot of growing up to do.

AGG

Coughlin, I'm sorry you're hurting.

Just like AGG I recall this relationship had some problems, mainly her not wanting you to be a part of her world. Doesn't sound like that's changed any.

I don't want to sound harsh but at 23 she likely doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a relationship the way you may have learned to.

Her statement that she doesn't want to be alone is worrisome. Again, lack of maturity. You might want to look for someone closer to your age who has had some relationship experience & emotional maturity.

(((Coughlin))))

I'm sorry. It sounds a lot like she doesn't know what she wants. I'd give it some time. However, unless she starts introducing you to her friends, I'm not sure the relationship is really going anywhere. I think your gut check on this is right.

And it would be important to ask yourself some hard questions too:

1. What is it that makes you want to be with someone so much younger who is just barely into their 20s?

2. With so many unresolved issues going on already, how in the world can this ever work long term?

3. She's sending you a HUGE message by not bringing you fully into her life with pride & joy! That is an enormous RED FLAG my friend. Think about it!!!

Sorry this hurts so bad. BTDT.

Take care,
High Flight

Yeah, I was thinking about that some more... A 12 year difference is one thing in your 40's or 50's, but you are talking about a 50% age difference with her. You have been married, divorced, and have well over a decade of "grown up" life under your belt. She is what, just out of college? It is doubtful that she has enough life experiences to be a good mate for you, and sadly, her behavior seems to confirm that.

AGG

I was 24, just got my University diploma, 'all world is mine', and 'fall in love' with a guy 16 years older than me (who had not ever been married nor had kids).
And I hid him from my friends, and family (not to hear - what are you doing with that old ****)... for we were TWO WORLDS...

And you know what?? After 3-4 months, HE broke up with me!! (Because of our age difference and all rest that go (will go) with it...)
My Vanity told him - but I don't want to lose you.
His Wisdom replied - you will say to me many thank you one day.

Earned my respect for sure...

Wow, belonging, what a great story. I wonder what happened to him.

How else a wise one can end up than reaching their goals and being happy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After that he called me a few times just to confirm if I felt OK, talked about my first job, and my 'current R'.
In following few years, I saw him a couple of times and we talked like old friends.
After 3-4 years he got married, two sons, and when I met him once on the street, he talked about his family with love and happiness. I was happy to hear that, so much.
And that is the last info I have about him.
But I feel, if he is alive, he's just fine.
And he sure still has THAT voice, ah... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, boy. I'm a sucker for a good voice. Makes me melt.

I know what you mean.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Coughlin, I hope this story helped you not to accept a R where your partner would not be happy and proud introducing/showing you to her friends, family, everyone...

Hello again. I mis-wrote what she said was that she just wanted to be alone. I'm curious Belonging, if you ever told him why you didn't introduce him to your friends? I saw so much potential with her because we were so compatible in terms of the things I found out about myself through my divorce and couselling. She always said that she planned on introducing me to her friends and we even talked about living together. Actually, she said she wanted to live with me but put the blame on me for not being comfortable with it. I would over react to each instance of her not following though with her promises and she would blame me for them. Now that I think about it, it sounds pretty bad but it meant so much to me to work this out because I showed her every aspect of my world probably in the hope that she would want to return the favor. But that never happened.

I just always believed that she would because she had more heart than anyone I know and I loved her for that and always will!

I want her back so badly it hurts.

i have to agree with many of the posters here and what they said. that age difference, it does make a difference in so many ways. i am sure it was quite an ego boost to be with someone so much younger. and sure, you can say you have so much in common, etc, etc... but realistically how true is that? as others have said, you are 35 (my age actually) and have been married and divorced with so much life under your belt. i don't mean to sound harsh, but let her go and live her life and be with those her own age. she is probably one of those girls who is enchanted by the "older man" thing.. that does not last dear. eventually, she would grow weary of that "older man" thing and be hanging with those her own age again. there are many reasons i am sure she didn't introduce you to her crowd and honestly, wouldn't you feel stupid in her early 20 something crowd? seriously, i would. come on, the 35 year old guy with the early 20 something crowd... like you wouldn't stick out there at all....

i am NOT downsizing your pain. it is real no matter who you were dating and letting your guard down for. but you would be better served to be with a woman closer to your age and experience level. someone who is not going to be as wishy washy as a young 20 something is going to be. and she can't help being that way, it is her age and maturity level. many on this board dating younger after divorce and they will mostly all tell you, it is not worth the headache in the long run.

take some time to heal, and move on. it is really for the best or you will be yo-yoing up and down and up and down forever with this one.
mlhb

I appreciate your input mlhb but I have to say that I don't think age difference really matters that much. It's all about the connection and heart. You can have your opinions but we had enough in common to build on. It made me feel good about myself to date a younger woman but more than that it made me feel good to date someone like her.

Warning this will sound harsh. Why is it an ego boost to date someone who hasn't got much life experience? Doesn't seem to have the emotional maturity to carry on a relationship that includes all aspects of her life? Uses the reason "doesn't want to be alone" as criteria for keeping a relationahip going?

The age difference does indeed seem to make a difference.

And what do you think why she said she 'just wanted to be alone'?

(Btw, I used to say that when didn't want to hurt someone telling him 'I'm not in love with you anymore'... and I was told the same, from the same reason, when he didn't want to hurt me... for being honest might hurt so much...)


No, we never talked about that.
We dated not 2 years but just 3-4 months, therefore easier to avoid...
But being smart as he is I'm sure he was aware of that, but never asked me...


Sorry...
No pain is endless... just take care of yourself.

Coughlin, I know you are hurting, and so some of the comments you see must be hurtful. But I read your other posts, and as much as you loved this woman (and still do, understandably), it has been evident for months that she was not the right match for you. The games she played, the mystery, etc, is not what you need in life, bud. You need a nice, kind, gentle woman, who will love you and make you the center of her life - not someone who will throw you a bone here and there and who still needs to figure herself out.

As much as mhlb's comments may sting, I suspect that a month or so from now you will see that she is right.

I am sorry, Coughlin, I know breakups suck.

AGG

It looks like you are 23 and idealize power of (just) heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


Hm... according to my male friends, at 35 they felt still very young to have 'a trophy'...

Thanks for your comments and I see your points but it doesn't make it any easier. I know she wasn't ready for a mature relationship that included all aspects of her life but I thought she had enough life experience to know what love is plus I wanted to share her life experiences and grow together both individually and as a couple. I didn't think that was asking for too much. I work with her and truly feel like a better person for having known her. I hope that will be special friends and be a part of eachother's life and I guess I'm just trying to keep the faith with the idea that Love does conquer all and that in time we will be together again. I felt like she was "the one" and our tming was just off.

Does anyone have any stories of getting back together with someone that they loved and lost?