SC, truely "very much appreciated" does not even come close...

thanks.

i just wanted to say, to whoever might be listening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> that I am doing ok. I was able to keep my anxity down and my spirits even (i wouldn't say bubbly but even).

upon reflection, i see how i can't change nor should I own the fact that he is deciding to choose to be distant in order to feel more comfortable. i do want to be helpful. I'm not 100% sure how. I did ask him last night when we were talking. "How can i be supportive of your feelings regarding all of this" and he told me to "chill out, don;t worry about who is initiating and don't worry about what we do."

the first one is easier, i can stop focusing on who is initiating, but i find myself not wanting to more and more. and that does concern me. do i force myself to continue to initiate.

the other part, not worrying about what occurs.... i don't know how often i can truely do that. i don't mind sometimes, like when i'm incapable of having SF, but outside of then, i'm finding myself (about 90% of the tim)not wanting to be a part of anything if it's going to be one way only. again, do i force myself to get over it and just enjoy what he is comfortable with.

thoughts and questions i am going to have to reflect on more.

FL, How I wish my wife were anything like you. I wish you could talk with her; maybe it would help to lift her 2.5 year fog.
As far as his "distance"; You need to remember, he has really been hurt by the occurrences in your marriage. His heart may still have a wall around it, out of fear of being hurt again. I love my wife, but I remember how she hurt me, and how I trust her very little, even though she is neither concerned with my feelings nor is she pursuing my trust. There is a wall around my heart, but it would take very little to start chipping away at it.
One thing you definitely must learn to do; refuse to argue. If it seems as if a conversation is going sour, take a minute to examine what is being said, and remember, please remember, words hit harder than any punch. Think about how it makes you feel when he is upset at you, and how you hate that feeling. Don't be too proud to admit you may be wrong.
As far as sex(something I haven't had in over a year), you'll probably have to rebuild the foundation of that area of your relationship. Express your feelings in a kind way, but take what you can get, because the alternative is nothing at all. That doesn't sound good, does it?
Counseling? Start it on your own. Do not wait for him to be 100% involved. You need to get help for yourself, first. It will also most likely show him your commitment to making your marriage better, and spur him into action.
Lastly, spend more time doing activities involving you, him, and the children. Do fun stuff. Remember this; your children are God's Home Improvement Loan. Use it. The great thing about it is that your payments to God for that loan are you benefiting from the loan; all the "interest" stays with you! By paying on that loan, you are paying yourself, and your kids.

str8jktmn,

thank you for taking the time to post.

I certainly agree that my actions has caused him a lot of hurt. I do belive he naturally keeps his distance from people too. Not just me. Honestly that has been a problem from the very start. That is how his famiily was as he grew up to. Never much hugging or emotional words.

In our conversation he said. "I enjoy SF the most when i don't think at all and now there are too many things to think about". The first part of that sentence is so true. For the majority of our relationship, i don't know it's hard to remember the very beginning, but for many many years, during SF, it's like he is not there. his eyes are closed. i can absolutely tell, he is thinking nothing. he blocks everything out except what he is feeling, but that includes thoughts of me. and it includes thoughts of my pleasure. and i just don't get that. he is missing so much that way.

I will take your advice about arguements. we don't argue too much but there are certainly times when being quieter is a good idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"the alternative is nothing" actually, i think that might be what we need for a while. i won't turn him down, but i doubt i'll be doing much initiating for a while. we cuddle everynight. i think it might be good for me to take more pleasure in that and not need more. at least for now. i know i will sometimes, SF is important to me, i need the physical connection, i really do. that's why this is so hard. but if after having any physical connection, i end up feeling lonleier, that is not good. i'll have to choose my times wisely. only on days when we have had some amount of emotionall connection.

as for the kids, i agree whole-heartedly!!! I spend a lot of time with my kids, we are very involved with each other. within the constraints of my working hours which at times gets too long. sometimes DH chooses to join us, but not with everything. sometimes he prefers not to, but he thanks me for spending the time with the kids. he is always welcome to join us!!

thanks again for posting. i have to get son to soccer game. i read a bit about your situation just now. i didn't read all the advice you have been given yet so i don't want to comment much right now, but i will later, tommorow or monday. i hope you enjoy the weekend.

FL, what do you think about having a kind word or two with my wife? Maybe your sense of commitment will rub off a little.

str8jktmn, sure, does she read/post here? if not, would she be willing to?

update on me: i'm doing better, DH and i talked a bit more this weekend. i took his comments a bit too strongly. I guess that is why communication requires the person doing the listening to state back what they heard. we both came up with ideas to modify our own behavior to help in the future. that meant a lot to me.

Not in a million years. As I said in my story, she thinks Dr. Harley and his concepts are BS. I meant striking up a friendship via phone and or eventually yahoo messenger, then easing into encouragemnet...

i'm sorry str8jktmn, i cannot contact her off the board.

also, i've tried to help two WWs, one from the board, one a co-worker. i failed at helping either situation. both are now divorced. in fact the co-worker has been in touch with me lately telling me how much more at peace she is and how she wishes she could help me. her: "you've always been so upbeat" me "i know, i feel like i have lost that part of me" her: "i wish i could help you but i'm not sure you would want my help" i think that means she thinks i should divorce?? i really didn't want to go there so i stopped emailing back. she used to work at same company but moved to another state about a year or so ago.

i'm sure if your wife would post here, there are plenty of people who could help. however i understand what you are saying. my DH wont post here either. just understand, what works for one does not mean it will work for all. she has to find her own way.

I was listening to a CD book by Dr Laura these past 2 days

Bad Childhood Good Life

I was hoping you would get this one from your library & listen

it reminded me so much of you

keep the faith !

Pep

well pep, i'm finally ready to respond.

although toned down a bit, my current response is pretty much the same as it was when i first read your post 2 days ago.

i'm sick and tired of being and having problems.

i'm done.

nope, i'm not perfect, never was, never will be.

and i'm not saying i don't believe in constant self-improvement, we all can become better.

but i'm done for now.

i'm sick of constantly looking at myself as the problem.

i'm sick of not being good enough.

i'm sick of getting no response from my sense of humor.

i'm sick of feeling like a constant source of irritaion.

i'm not perfect but i am who i am and i actually think that i am ok.

so, i'm just not inclined to walk to my public library and go to the front desk to check out a book with the words "Bad Childhood" in the title.

even so i do appreciate your post and suggestion.

i don't know pep, i must admit, i keep hearing your words echoing in my head: "you stop before you start".

but even still, i'm just done.

what has all my effort and fretting really gotten me?

an emotionally distant DH.

OK

I really enjoyed it

and

that's OK too

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