I have been dating my Fiancé for 4 years and have been engaged for 3 months. I suggested that we get engaged and told him I was tired of our relationship not going anywhere. He moved from another state to be with me. He was living with a friend who loved to go clubbing. My Fiancé was not the party type, he didn't even drink until he started going out with his friend. What I hated most was that he didn't want me to go with him; it was always he and his friend. After he told me he had stopped clubbing, I found a picture of him at a club with some friends. He had told me he was going to a late movie and not to a club, he said he had to lie otherwise I would have given him a hard time about it. I was looking at the myspace site with a friend and accidentally found my Fiancé’s profile (I was unaware he had a profile). I was hurt to find out that he had been on myspace for 2 years without mentioning it to me...it made me think he had something to hide. We argued about it until he deleted his profile. I also found out by one of his friends that he has multiple email addresses that I didn't know of. I started to get suspicious after that and started checking his cell phone. I saw that he was texting with someone and said “I’m bored with my life, I don’t like living here. Remember the times we went out and how much fun we had?” I was afraid to tell him I had looked at his messages, so I casually asked if he was bored living with me or with his life. He said no. I then told him what that I had read his messages and wanted to know who he was talking to. He admitted talking to two girls (old friends who I didn’t know) and said he was only having conversation and nothing else. He says he can’t talk to me because I don’t understand him like his friends do. He says I am overly jealous and I snoop around too much. I admit that maybe I do but every time I have snooped I have found more to be jealous about. Not too long ago I needed to get something from his email and he refused to give me the password, he says it’s private. Lately things have been really quiet, we get along most of the time but we never have real conversation. We only talk about work and basic stuff like that. I started to plan the wedding but every time I ask him for wedding advice/comments he says doesn’t know. I am having lots of second thoughts…none of this stuff seems major but it’s all the little things that are making me doubt him. Lately he’s been talking about moving back home, he says he wants to have sometime to live close to his friends (he doesn’t have any friends where we are living now) before he settles down. I am afraid that if he moves back he will be badly influenced and we will grow farther apart.

I wouldn't be making any wedding plans now. The secrecy issues are a red flag to me. If he is hiding things now then what makes you think it would get any better if you got married?

Questions to you. Are you happy, does he meet your needs, do you want to change him? Is he enthusiastic about the engagement, seems like he got engaged just to appease you? Why do you want to get married if you felt like the relationship was going nowhere and you are bored?

Big red flag he wants to move back home and spend time with his friends before he settles down. This may mean he wants to sow his oats and keep you on the sideline. He may be sowing his oats now it sounds like.

My advice to you would be to call off the engagement all together until you both figure out what you want. Ask him directly where he sees both of you. If both of you agree where you are going and what you are going to do this is good, if not you will be doing it all on your own and it is a recipe for disaster. When he says he wants to go home then agree with him tell him he should. If he moves let him go. He may be bored with you and think that he has you and doesn't have to work at keeping you and is now taking you for granted and maybe does want to leave the relationship. If he comes back to you and really wants to be with you he will otherwise he may just flake out on you. Do you really want to be with someone or married to someone that doesn't feel the same way you do? You may be attracted to him and like him for certain things but are you really compatible? The lack of conversation tells me you may not be.

These are some serious things to think about. I know it can be tough when you care about someone and don't want to be alone, but a relationship should be a good thing and make you happy for the most part. You shouldn't have to snoop around to find things out, and should have open honest communication. Good Luck and God Bless.

M

Thanks for your advice. I have stopped making plans for the wedding, he doesn't seem excited about it, he doesn't really like to talk about it much. This is hard for me because of everything I have gone through with him. There are signs that tell me that he really wants to be with me and then there are other signs that tell me the opposite. I have asked him to be honest with me and he says he is sure he wants to be with me and marry me. Why would he lie about that? I am also bored and I know that's due to the lack of conversation. I felt like I was the only one making an effort to show affection and saying I love you and so I stopped doing it to see what would happen. We don't say anything to each other in the morning, we simply get up and get ready for work. When I get home from work he is usually on the computer and will turn to look at me and say hello...that's it. I am encouring him to move back home, I think this will really be the last test. I don't want to get married if he's not ready and I don't want to rush him either. Since I've stopped showing affection there just hasn't been any so I will continue to give him space and see what happens.

Sounds like you are starting to put things in the proper perspective. Pray that you go in the direction that God intends you to go, and accept what happens. Better things are yet to come. Good Luck and God Bless.

sounds to me like you were fairly convenient for him. living together before marriage can be one of the BIGGEST mistakes a couple can make. it certainly didn't get any better for me and I've started believing Dr. H's concepts a LOT more. Cut all sex off and see where the relationship goes ? ? He might just be using you for good sex. Stop and think about it for a while.

none of the stuff you mentioned seems 'major' to you?
it seems VERY major to me.

He is not ready to get married to you and you are selling yourself short for accepting his lies and excuses.
you can do better.