My fiance and i got engaged on our two year anniversary earlier this year. We have had a rocky relationship and at times have seperated.


This happened months ago (april):


Two weeks after our engagement we had a huge fight. He left the house, drunk, and went ot the bar with his friends. I was so angry I refused to pick up his calls that night.

He came home very apologetic and we made up. A month later he confessed to cheating on me. During that month we were not sexually involved (i didnt know why but he didnt want me to add to the problems by adding sex into the equation when he told me; i did find it a bit odd that we werent involved but btw work and school i didn't really think about it) I never had inkling of what happened and did not catch him 'in his lie' so to speak

The story goes:
Well turns out that night this woman who was interested in him (while we were broken up at another point) "found him" (how coincidental this is on her part is debated...) at hte bar and proceeded to have drinks/chit chat. He was completely drunk (i knew that before he left) and he continued to drink at the bar. He walked her ot her car and she made a move on him. They proceeded to make out in the vehicle but did not (due to inability) have sexual intercourse. She left. He claims he called his friend to come get him. And he cried in his drunken stupor until he was brought home (verified by phone records) Even though he says he did not have intercourse...he does no deny that it is still an affair. (so hes not trying to pull the 'we didnt have sex' card)


This all happend in april and he told me in may.

Of course i immediately told him to hit the road....but i guess it didnt become that simple.

We took steps to repair the relationship and i want ot know if i am doing the right thing or if ...under no circumstances should i forgive him. If i can/should get past this...is there anything else we should do.

* He was tested for all STD's. This he showed me the results of.

* He Called his parents and My mother and told them what happened

* We went to counseling (though i found it less than helpful and too "hippy-ish" for me) He is willing ot go back if I ask

* I get to see all of his phone bills/internet accounts/computer. He shows me w/o me asking. He will call any number listed if I ask him and dont know who it is.

* ONE OF HTE MOST IMPORTANT: He has NOT had a single drink since he told me.

* He does not go to bars with his friends without me.

* this particular woman has moved out of town. (but i know it wasnt an EA so of course i worry about his "choices")

*I've told him we arent engaged (we are dating) and he is ok with this.

* he has never placed blame on me and says I can talk to him anytime I want to. (which i do)


Am i crazy for wanting to forgive him for this? Does this doom our marriage? Some advice please.

There are many out there that are willing to forgive and believe it will never happen again.

Personally, I think there are some things in life that you only get one chance at and if you screw up, you don't get a second chance. Personally, I'd kick him to the curb. There are things you can't undo. I personally believe that cheating is one of those things.

Dump his butt and dont look back!

I'm new at all of this, so maybe I am not the best to give advice. I see two sides of this....one, you may be getting yourself into more trouble. Cheating hurts and sadly for a very long time you may always question his motives. Some others may be right, dumping him may be best before the time, commitment, and more emotions are poured into the relationship.

HOWEVER, I have found some posts (in other forum topics) to be negative and possible a bit jaded? It sounds to me like he is doing anything, everything, and then some to show you he is serious. I think his commitments to tell your family and his, to give you full access to records, etc shows something.

I certainly would hate to be judged for some of my past decisions. Again, he could do it again, but anyone you marry/date may cheat on you...there are no guarantees.

About 18 years ago, the woman I was involved with cheated on me within a month of leaving to study overseas. When she returned she was all apologetic, telling me that she never stopped loving me, wanted things to work out, etc.. Instead of walking away, I stayed and we worked things out.

I married her, and 12 years later she cheated on me again. This time it was a lot worse (longer, and she invited the OM into our home). It's a lot more difficult this time to just walk away because of the children and mutual property, and this time her initial approach on disclosure was more along the lines of take it or leave it. Things are getting better between us now, but I still find myself wondering all the time what it would have been like if I simply walked away that first time. I certainly would not have gone through the years of frustration trying to get through to her, followed by the 16 months of heartache and pain I've gone through since D-Day.

So, think carefully about what you're doing, if you do decide to take him back. He used the excuse of drunkeness this time to let himself get involved - what excuse would he use next time?

This is what we call a red flag.
He has shown he cannot control his drinking (even if it is just a sporadic thing).
He cheated on you.
He cannot deal with conflict well.
He is acting nice now, but what happens when another conflict comes up?

This is the time in a relationship that you are supposed to be on your best behaviour...but look what he has done.

It will not get better...in fact you may be sitting here 10 years in the future thinking, I never should have married him, what happened before we got married was only the beginning.

But, if you go ahead with this, you seem to be doing the right things. He is willing and has gone to counseling. He is not frequenting bars without you. He is not drinking.

But why marry someone with whom you have a rocky relationship? That is not a foundation to start a marriage on.

If you still feel there might be reasons to remain in the relationship, it seems to me that you need a different counselor and he needs to stop drinking.

You sound co-dependent. Seek individual counseling to find out why you would want to marry a man that cheated on you. Why would you risk your (future) children's welfare? If you can risk having your children every other weekend, go for it. But I would recommend for you to run.

If i were you and could live my life again > I would definately go on and pursue another person that I would marry. Yes it is a hard hard decision as obviously you love him, but I loved my husband too. He cheated on me while we were dating and ended up concieving a child because of it. It was his ex girlfriend that he was two timing with. Well fast forward 16 years and you end up today. Three kids, a husband that took off after cheating for several months before leaving and also cheated at least three other times over the course of our marriage. He was even a pastor and very clearly knew that he was out of bounds but i think some people truly do not have the capacity to be faithful and honest.
Good luck and honestly think this one thru very very carefully as in time, it will not just be your heartache but that of your children as well.
Shelly