There's no need to tell anyone else unless you feel the need for support.

You obviously have a very level head. Trust your feelings and thoughts. You will be fine.

MEDC

are you living together?

Pep

yes we are (no religous lectures please)

OK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

if you are not giving away the farm

you are allowing him to live on the farm, rent-free <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

honestly

I was EGG ZAK LEE where you are ... when I was in my mid-20s

he .... PhD candidate (physics) ...

we went together 14 years ... and lived together for (off & on) much of that time

he cheated
I forgave
I moved him back in

my big regret is

I did not END IT the first time he cheated

I've been married to my husband (not the old boyfriend) 25 years ... and he cheated in our 14th year ... but that is different when there are 2 kids, a mortgage, and 14 YEARS of ~marriage~ to work with

best of luck ~~~> think of me when you are my age (57) ... and smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .... and say "Damn, I wish I'd listened to that old lady!"

LOL .... coz that's what I do when I remember how I dismissed the same advice I am handing to you .... that same advice came from the college therapist I went to see when my live-in-boyfriend was caught cheating (first time that I KNEW about, that is)

she said to me ... after listening to my sobbing and I displayed my broken heart in all it's glory ... "You need to leave him and see other people."

It made me ~~~> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> at ~~~> therapist lady

LOL

BEST of luck

I pass the baton to YOU .... life is good ... and in what seems like the blink of an eye ~~~> you will be my age and see things through the lens of experience ... I wish you well

Here's my last "words of wisdom" ~~~> BUY this book from this site

Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders

look for it in the bookstore link at the top of the page ... they have a new printing under a new name ... but I think they still have some copies under the old name (discount price ... yea!)


I wish I'd read this book when I was your age

I think moving him OUT would give your relationship a better chance of it developing into a super future marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

waiting to live together until marriage (Buyer-Buyer agreement) builds relationships, instead of living together prematurely (Renter-Renter agreement) ... which has more potential to build resentment because ~someone~ must sacrifice for this renter-renter arrangement to function.

Take care

Pep <~~~ don't listen to HER ... she's OLD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

she has already made it clear that she doesn't want to date other people. That book will suggest that she does just that.

You've read it? It says nothing like that!

Here's part of the synopsis:

Although Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders was intended to be a book to help dating couples create lifelong relationships together, you will be sure to find this a most valuable source of information for your marriage. You will discover what is behind the attitudes that can cause connectedness between you and your spouse to break down. You will also discover how to change them.

Pep

might be a mistake on my part Pep... I thought I saw you reference this book in the past and state that it said people should date about 30 or so others before selecting a mate. I might be mistaken.

I think you'd like the book MEDC

it's really excellent

helped me a LOT

and I've been happily married a very long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

so, it's a different book I was remembering???

hun

I don't read you mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

okay... was it was a different book that you were discussing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i appreciate your advice and certainly by any means dont think you are 'old.'

You have had life experiences I havent had an that gives you great insite. I very much appreciate that. But just as these eperiences give you insite...they also give you bias. I wonder how counceling has changed since you went. We went to a counselor and I expressed to her my concerns about forgiving him and my fear of being walked on. She quickly reassured me that simple remaining in a relationship is not being taking advantage of unless certain changes arent made. I'm working ot believe that. (like i said im very independant)

I resent being compared in any way to farm animals (free milk from the cow) or in your case the farm example. Yes we live together. (we also have a another male roommate) I do not cook for him, clean for him or manage his personal affairs. Likewise he doenst do so for me either. We each contribute our third for rent, bills, etc. We buy individual groceries. The marriage has been put on hold by me (obviously as a result of his poor actions) But i dont think that sex or lack there of is giving him a "free" ride. Certainly you can have as much (if not more...haha) sex when you arent living together.

We actually make good roomates/housemates relationship aside.


But i do appreciate your insite and will scan that book at my school's library. Perhaps, even if i dont agree with its entire philosophy, I can gain something from it.