Hello, I had some posts on ENs, but this is probably a better spot for this question(s).
I'm going to try to make this brief.
When I married my wife, (I lived with her a year, big mistake) I married into a relationship that was pretty much celibate. SF maybe twice a year and not very fulfilling. I went into this somewhat knowingly, thinking, no human can have this small of a sex drive, she'll change.. After 4 years of boring lifeless marriage she did change.. She had an onlin affair with another guy. The firs time around 2004 I confronted her, and she admitted it and said she woudln't do it again. A year later almost exactly, I monitored it and she had relations for a week, that I tracked her. She sent him videos in the morning with a message saying "I sent you something special.." etc.. well, I gave her the chat logs, and what hurt so much is for 5 years she wouldn't please me, I tried to please her and did almost everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. I just lacked in the finding things to do area... The first time she told me she didn't think it was wrong but would stop if I wanted her to. She stayed in contact with him, but not sexually (online only.)

Anyways, that's when I said we have to go to counseling if she wants "us" to work. She said she wanted us to work. So, we went to counseling, and IC. I came up with new things to revitalize our M. I came up with gifts for her, out of town romantic getaways, with all kinds of stuff. This summer we did more together than we've ever done. This year we might have been together intimately 5 or 6 times. She even told me this summer that I could be with someone else, since she won't please me. She claims there's someething physically wrong with her and so on. I've always been respectful of her and anything she experiences, if she hurts, we stop, if something's not comfortable we stop. I have never forced her into anything. I believe a woman's body should be highly respected, and I always have respected hers.

Well, this past year we've done the most together ever, yet, very little to no improvements. Might be once every two to three months instead of 2 to 3 times a year.

This past labor day weekend we went camping together, visited the zoo, went to the renaisance festival, went tothe mall of america, did lots of activities together that we both enjoyed. Still nothing from her. I woke up and realized this marriage can't work, it's never worked. I wanted her to change when I met her, but it was my mistake in thinking she would change.

I have come to the conclusion I want a divorce. I can't force her to have relations with me, and I've been meeting her ENs religiously by the book. I have gotten more just affection from her. Hugs,holding hands, but I realized labor day weekend that I felt nothing for her anymore. I feel completely rejected, alone, and like she just keeps me around for emotional and financial support. That's all. We have no kids together (how could we... at this rate.) She even made the comment that she wants kids badly, but she doesn't know how we'd ever have them because she wouldn't have sex enough to get pregant. She doesn't even want it for reproductive purposes. I feel like we're both hurting and need to move on from each other.

So, how do I do this? I'm setting up emotional support for myself by going to counseling next Tuesday. I'm not telling her until then. Until then though I am emotionally telling her by breaking off emotional support I've been giving her. I am touching her less in terms of affection. She says I love you constantly (she did this before too, it's nothing new) all the time like 50 times a day. (maybe a bit exagerated, but around 20 at least), I'm just responded with yep. etc. Hoping that she'll get bored with me, and when I do tell her it won't be such a shock to her.

Plus I'm tired of being taken advantage of for emotional support with nothing returned to me. Hugs and holding hands only go so far.

Oh, I should also state we read his, needs, her needs together, and surviving an affair, and surviving infidelity, as wellas the his needs/ her needs EN questionaires and Identified our needs. My top 3 were SF. Hers were Gifts and romantic getaways. Which I did as much as we could afford (and maybe more than we should have financially.) for her. I've come to the realization she may just be this way, and nothing I can do will change her. I told her we need to go to counseling again, and she said there's nothing wrong, I told her about the lack of SF, and she said things will get better. Yet she does nothing to show signs that things are changing. I am thoroughly convinced that I will be happier alone, though it will be excruciating for a while, and maybe someday I can find a godly woman that loves me and appreciates the love I give her too.

O.k. that was longer than I wanted. But, how do I break up with her? I've never broken up with a woman before in any way shape or form. Do I get the papers ready and tell her I want a Divorce and ask her to sign them?

Or, do I tell her first then get the papers? I know this sounds so cold, and it pains me to wonder how she's going to handle it and what she'll do about it. She'll go home 500 miles a way, I have no doubt about it, probably leave all her stuff here, and just leave. That's what she tried to do when I confronted her on the affair. But turned around a forth of the way and came back... mainly because she was too emotional to drive. Do I need to find a place to stay for a day or two so she can clean out her stuff, or what do I do?

Thanks for any suggestions.

So, how is it going? Have you found any answers? I have heard of rare cases where the woman experiences some physical issues that make sex very uncomfortable for her. Or there could be abuse in her past that even she is unwilling to face. It sounds as if she needs physical and emotional counseling from a professional whether she chooses to be with you or not. The indication she responds to you with physical touch suggests that is how she receives love. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages is a pretty quick read and clearly explains how we each receive our deposits in our love banks. I wonder if she sought out other men to see if she would have the same experience with them as with you. Perhaps she is conducting somewhat of a scientific test to see "what is wrong with me that I can't please the man I loved enough to marry"??? In any case, getting back to your question. I suggest you sit down and talk to her before approaching paperwork. I am also an ardent supporter of professional mediation to any divorce situation as opposed to traditional legal means. My XH gave me his new divorce lawyer's card and told me if I didn't change then he was going to leave the marriage. It was one of the most painful days of my life and did catch me somewhat by surprise. I think I would have preferred a quiet conversation to the "it's already done" type approach. Good luck to you both. I hope she is able to recognize how you agonized over her feelings despite your desire to divorce.

Being honest is always the best policy. Divorce is painful. There is no way the two of you can get a divorce without you both suffering emotionally from it. Putting it off, not being totally honest with her or with yourself, etc. just draws this process out and makes matters worse. Sit down with her and tell her exactly what is on your mind. Don't try to soften the blow by not speaking your mind. Who knows such direct honesty might be enough to motivate her to realize the magnitude of the problem and become involved in a solution.