Hello all

So here I am again looking for some advice. Last time I was here I was trying to save my marriage of 11 years, unfortunately it didn’t work out. But thanks to some good advise from fellow members I made it through and 4 years have passed. What brings me back is I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with a wonderful girl, we have a lot in common, we get a long great, have fun together, and we have a great sexual relationship. Our problem has been communicating our feelings towards each other due to our past relationships. I was cheated on by my ex so I have been scared to open up and tell her how feel because I don’t want to get hurt, she came from a relationship where any time she expressed her feeling she was put down so now she finds it hard to express them and is scared that mine won’t be the same.
The past 2 years has gone by smoothly but about 4 months ago things started to change, my feeling for her were growing and that was scaring me more so I started pulling away. At the same time the feeling she had for me, but never shared with me started fading away. Because of my past relationship I have become very aware of how people act and when she started her new job after about a month I noticed a change in her and she started to pull away. That lead to us having a conversation, that woke me up and made me realize I how much I loved this woman. I planed a weekend trip to the ocean with her and her 4 year daughter (which by the way I think is wonderful and I like to be around) just a nice romantic getaway where I could sit and talk with her and tell her my feelings and that I loved her. But the night before we left (they stayed at my house) She got a call from someone; I noticed something was off about her and I couldn’t sleep that night that phone call was on my mind. Well I did something that I know is wrong and I hated to do it but have learned to follow my instincts and I checked her text messages on her cell phone, I found out she has been talking to a co-worker sexually. Needless to say I was pissed and hurt so I took a very long walk to get my feelings and thoughts in order. I went through with the weekend and told her my feelings (she doesn’t feel the same) and then I brought up the co-worker. She said they have only been talking and it means nothing to her and she wanted to give us a chance so she said she would end communications with him. She was very displeased with the fact I went snooping and looked at her personal property, that’s some thing she does not tolerate because her ex was very controlling and she wasn’t allowed to have any privacy.
So this is where we are at now, 5 weeks have gone by, I have been treating her totally different, 180 degree turn and that is scaring her because she’s not use to it. I give her flowers, cards, little notes on her pillow or in her purse and most importantly telling her how I feel about her. I have been overwhelming with the affection I have been showing her and have worked on not over doing it. But since being able to share my feeling with her I feel like a new man, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. And I can see a difference in her but I can see her holding back trying to see if what I’m saying and how I’m acting is real.
Problem is I can see she is confused with her feeling and I have told her to be open and honest, and respectful to me and herself. She broke my trust so I’m working on building that back up with her, but I still can’t get pass thinking she is still talking to the other guy, so I will ask her about it when it bothers me and she will always say they are not talking they haven’t talked since I first confronted her. Well last night the feelings were to strong and I checked her cell phone and found some very strong sexual messages that they have shared, basically there having phone sex. I also noticed phone calls that have lasted 80 minutes that take place after 9pm when she tells me she is going to bed at 8pm. (We do not live together)
Does anybody have any advice on how I should confront her about what I have learned/the best way to go about it? I really want to see if we can make this relationship work, this guy came in to her life at a time when we were having problems that neither of us were willing to address. I believe they have not taken their relationship further than talk so I would like to nip this in the bud before it goes too far. If it goes to the next level I will have no other choice than to end the relationship. I know she will be mad that I looked at her cell phone again, so I’m trying to figure a way to get her to be honest with me with out telling her that I have invaded her privacy.

Thanks for taking the time to read this
Dave

My personal opinion is that your g/f relationship has gone farther than phone sex.....OR.....it soon will. If your g/f is lying to you at this point, prior to marriage, I would be very leary of taking this relationship further. I have always been the type that if it walks, talks, like a duck.....it a big [censored] duck for sure. I see this relationship going very badly down the line.....seems like your g/f is having second thoughts about alot, and you are the one that will end up hurt. Good luck, and I hope and pray you make a sound decision to keep going with this woman.

Between your background (having been cheated on) and her actions (cheating on you), I'd suggest one thing (which you won't like) - dump her and move on. You don't need to be in a DATING relationship and trying to get your GF to unentangle herself from a coworker. What for?

I think I'd rather drop dead than ever again find myself in a situation of trying to get my partner to stop screwing someone else, sorry.

AGG

Hi Dave,

I understand you care for this girl but if I were you,I would end things with her.It will be very hard,as it always is when you care/love someone but she is showing signs of not being a good partner as other's have eluded to.She's dishonest,involved sexually with someone else! even though by phone,right now.And she is at it again when she said she would stop.BIG red flag there.She lied Dave. She is risking your feelings for her own agenda.That would make me very upset and I would end it straight away.After being through what I have,I have ZERO tolerance for games like that.As soon as I found out about it I would be gone in a flash.

As I read your post I keep thinking that my main goal would not be how to confront her about this behavior, again,how to make things work and how to prevent things from going too far,again,but rather,just how to say it's over.You can't get HER to be honest with you and YOU cannot build that up in her.It's in her makeup and do you want to be with someone like that? Are you going to keep wondering If? When? Being honest is not something she should be working toward but that she should be DOING right now.

She's hurting you,don't let her have that power anymore.JMO

For me, 'current level' will be more than enough, wouldn't wait a second for 'the next level' (btw, what's the difference at all??)


I would do this:
Buy her some flowers, with a note: "Sorry for invading your privacy", attach the cell phone with those messages... then go home and turn off your phone for her... forever...

AMEN!!! DON'T give her the chance to cheat and lie to you AGAIN. She's already done it and it will just get easier for her to do it with more practice. Take care of yourself - otherwise there won't be anything left of you to give to someone who believes in being honest and loving in a relationship. EVEY relationship has it's problems and most of the time the ones that really need addressing are the ones that we try to avoid the most. But regardless of that, I stayed with and NEVER cheated on the man I was married to with four years of nightmares for me to live through. It's a matter of character. I don't believe in cheating, never have, never will. If you are dating someone and you decide you want to date someone else then be honest about it.
If she's cheating and lieing now, what can you expect later??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
And I can tell you from experience (I was cheated on too), if they'll cheat in one set of circumstances, they'll do it in another. My x was cheating on me while we were dating, and it didn't stop when we got married. And I didn't ask him to marry me. He asked me to marry him!! Figure that one out - I haven't!! If she can have good sex with you without being married, she can do it with others too. Personally, I've been pushed for sex in a long term dating relationship, but I finally realized he wasn't considering how I felt about things. To me sex is something sacred for a married couple. Not to be dull or boring by any means, but to be considered only for that one person you are committing the rest of your life to. And that's what I want in a partner - when the time is right. Don't know when that'll be, but one day.

Her behaviour is not respectful, honest, forthright, or to be tolerated. It is not the behaviour of someone who is in a respectful, loving relationship of two years. She is not likely to cease this behaviour.

Snooping is not a way to build confidence. I can understand her dislike of your snooping. However, I doubt she would have been honest with you if you had asked to see her phone.

It is my opinion that you should go to the next level in this relationship - the level of discontinuation.

Dave,

She crossed a line here. She is at a minimum having an emotional affair and it could be more. Either way, she is violating your relationship.

She was displeased you looked at her phone??? Hmm, wonder why? Is it because she had something to hide??

It is decision time for you my friend....

Keith

If you have been cheated on, and gone thru all the crap that many of us here have, I'm shocked you would question your GUT FEELINGS.

Gez, do red flags fade with time, do you forget all the crap you went thru?? all the hurt? disrespect, etc??? maybe it all does fade away as we soften our hearts to someone new...

Have you both committed to an exclusive relationship?// If so......
I'd say she's grown tired of this relationship, she needs alittle spice..and if she needs that, let go b-4 she really does you harm emotionally.

I guess you could set her up - go out somewhere, forget your cell, ask to use her's, walk away like there's a bad connection, find what your looking for then confront her..Ooops, I hit a wrong button and looked what appeared...I realize that's not being honest, but is she being honest????? At this point, it doesn't sound like it really matters.

I hope that should I find someone to have a serious relationship with, I never go thru what I have w/WH and should I see a red flag, that I have the strength, dignity and self-respect to run, run quickly.

HUGS