The last time I talked to OW was one year ago yesterday. I am the BS. At that time I thought everything was over between them, and so did OW. My H had sent her a couple emails out of the blue (with a new email address, using a pet name she’d recognize). She let me know about it. Also, she let me know that she thought she’d seen him outside her building at her work a month prior to that.

He never did admit any of that to me. Since he sent the email from his work computer (with a hotmail address) and since he has meetings on her side of town and has to go anyway, there was no way I’d be able to prove it was him.

After that, I’d found some pictures of OW and her boyfriend on the internet at one point and my H did not know this. I had them saved on my computer and he snooped one night when I went out to dinner with my friends. He never told me but he deleted them from my computer. I discovered it later and mentioned it to him. I was never 100% positive that it was OW in the photos, but 99.9% sure. All he said was that one night he was looking at the new pictures on my computer and found them. I did not have them saved in the pictures area. He said that he didn’t think neither of us needed them around as a reminder of her. That was my proof that it was her.

Well, guess what? Today, which is now a couple months later, I was cleaning out our email and I was looking through the sent messages and I found that he forwarded them to his work email! So, apparently he does need these pictures around as a reminder??
He forgot to delete them from the sent messages folder.

I know not many of you would know my entire story. I can post some links if you want.

I am afraid he used these pictures as another reason to contact her a year after all is said and done. What do I make of this? He is usually a real avoider (you know, if you get rid of something, it goes away), so it would be more like him to delete the pictures and not want to see them again.
How do I bring this up to him? We’ve worked hard to rebuild and now this.

I am afraid he used these pictures as another reason to contact her a year after all is said and done.

It appears it is not all said and done on his end.

You have a choice to make here. You say nothing at all and continue on the way things are going. I don't know if that is acceptable to you or not.

Or. You confront him and get it out in the open. Because at this point he is not fully committed to you.

You can try this if you want to confront. You know he is still deceiving you. His new hotmail account supports it!

You have to be ready to follow through. That may mean plan b at this time in the situation.

Look him square in the eye and ask him "Husband will there ever be a time when you do not deceive me or lie to me in this marriage. That is not a marriage I will stay for." When he denies knowing anything about what you are talking about, you slam him square upside the head with what you have.

Do what you are ready to go through with at that point.

Time to install a keylogger on your computer so that you can get his password and account... then you can check his messages for yourself...

BKarl,
thanks for your reply. You said:


She didn't want him to contact her anymore and assured me if he did, she'd let me know. And, she did a year ago. Since then, I've not heard from her, I'd assumed he has not contacted her. In the end, she actually thought he was kind of creepy - unfortunately I hate to say that about my H. But it was his persistence and also him showing up outside her work when she didn't know he was there (a year ago.)

But, for all I know she could have been making it all up. She had no reason to though.

When I have a new clue or new proof, I've always had such a hard time keeping it from him. I want to slam him right away with it. He always knows when something is "wrong", before I even say a word.
I like your idea though and I think I will try that tonight.

thanks,
Suzy

Heartsore22,


Unfortunately, he sent those emails from work. He doesn't do anything on the computer at home anymore. That's why I was surprised he forwarded those emails to his work. I did install a keylogger at home, after I found out about the A and I did catch a lot of what he did and that's how I got a lot of my proof back then. I just know that it wouldn't do any good anymore because he's gotten too "smart".

On our computer, the 'sent' messages are kept in two places and he did delete it from one of them. He apparently did not know about the other one.

I know I have to talk to him about it but he's lied so much in the past. I've gotten the best info from OW and I am tempted to contact her again. I just don't know what to do. I know most people here would tell me not to contact OW.

if you know what his new account (email address) is you can probably guess his password... probably something related to other woman or something that he can remember easily... like a password used for other purposes (ATM, etc...).

is the OW still being cooperative with you or has she now started avoiding you? that could be a telling sign whether it is a mutual thing or just an obsession that he is living with.....

if she is cooperative, you can get the email address from her...

Well, the last time I talked to her was a year ago yesterday.
She was very cooperative at that time. I assume she still would be. That is if she doesn't want to see him.

At that time, like I said she was begininning to think he was creepy and wondered if she should look over her shoulder for him. Here is a link to that post. And, oops, I guess I had the day wrong, it was 9-2-05, not 9-7-05.

A year ago

I honestly think it is an obsession he is living with.

And you know what? When I found those pictures of her on the internet, the reason I saved them to my computer was because I wanted to show my best friend what OW looked like.
I accidently left the photo up on the screen when my friend was here and it was a picture of OW and her boyfriend with a fish one of them had caught. My son happened to walk by and said " wow, mom, when did you catch that big fish??"
He thought it was a picture of me!!! So, OW looks like me I guess.
We do have similar hair color, length, face shape, body shape. Kind of odd, huh?

Well, My H just called. Within two minutes, he said "you sound out of it." And, that was with me TRYING to sound chipper. He ALWAYS knows!! That is how bad I am at this.

Finally, I said, fine, if you really want to know, I will tell you. I told him that I was cleaning out our email and I found that he'd emailed the pictures of OW and her boyfriend to his work, even after he'd said that'd he'd deleted them from my computer because we didn't need them around her as a reminder of her.

He denied it at first, like he usually does, then I explained that there are two places on our computer where sent messages are saved and he DID delete it from one of them but not the other. Then he admitted it. He always has to admit things after I find them out...

He said that he doesnt' know, he thinks he did it at leverage to show me that he was pissed that I even saved them. lame story. I cried. He's sorry. Blah Blah. He said that if I want to contact her to find out if he sent them to her, or contacted her, then I was welcome to do so.

I said I havne't talked to her in a year, why would I contact her now????? Unless they've continued to have their little thing still going on after all this time and they are both just lying to me.

He insisted NO. The last thing he'd do is contact her, as he knows I'd made it very clear that she'd probably get the cops after him if he did. That is true.

He said that he has missed most of the work meetings (on her side of town) over the past year, and he has too much invested in this job and our marriage over the past year to jeopardize that.

This from a man who is very clammed up most of the time. He usually doesn't let too many people in, including me.

He said he doesn't love her. He loves me. He said even though he'd promised to talk about this before the year was out, he feels like we shouldn't go backwards and hash up old things. He doesn't understand that I NEED too. What should I do now, when he gets home tonight???

Well, I would enforce my boundaries. What is your boundary for this type of problem? Mine is instant homelessness, she would be asked, then told, then cops remove her for a breach of NC period. I refuse to go through that BS again. She is also aware that if she leaves D is on, there is no third chance, no coming back, ever!

Your call. What are your boundaries? Enforce them, even if that means kicking him to the curb. If you do not enforce them then they are worthless. Your option, your choice.

Hi Suz,
So he kinda stalked her? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


That's easy, you tell him this isnt 'old', he sent the pictures to his office just a few montha ago AND it's not been discussed yet so it's a CURRENT issue. Dont let him get you off of this. I'd also want to know more. It is still creepy. I am very sorry. - Dru

Suzy - I reckon it is more common than not for WS's to keep some memento (letter, card, photo) from their A partner. In time, this item(s) becomes less and less important to them as their marriage gets stronger. It's possible the photo really holds little significance for him now - perhaps he looks at it wistfully from time to time, but who knows. The majority of us have no clue what goes on regarding work computers, cellphones, business travel.

For me, the biggest deal here is that, once again, when challenged HE LIED TO YOU. Ok, he changed his story when confronted with your evidence but his initial gutless reaction was to deny he'd ever done it.

Does he honestly expect you want a liar for a husband? TT

thank you all for your replies. I didn't come back here for a little while. I discussed the day with H when he got home. He was very kind and did not get mad that I was hashing up old things. He's been very loving since, and even though he has a nasty history of lying during the A and for a few months afterward, I think I do believe him.

I did sent OW an email. I asked her if he's contacted her. this is her reply:

[color:"red"]No suzy, he has not. Our offices have moved as well, so I cannot imagine he knows where the new building is. I'm glad to you hear that you have had another chance to revive your marriage and I do hope that it continues to go well for you. I personally have made promises to you and have not ever gone back on my word. Anyway, that's about it. I wish you well and hope things continue to go in the direction that you wish them to.[/color]


I do believe her this time too. She does not know that I even know what she looks like and does not know about the pictures. I was the one who found them on a website.

She sent another email after that too, filling me in a little on her own personal issues in her life. Okay, I admit, I asked how things were going with her and her BF....

I am very relieved. I did not tell H I sent her the email though. I don't want to have him ask what is up with her. I know he will always be curious. He says he does not love her now, but we all know how that goes.

I even still carry a small torch for my high school sweet heart from 20 years ago. Every few years I bump into him and I go speechless and feel some butterflies. I wonder what could have been. It was me, the dummy who let him go......so I guess I understand in away how OW will always have a place in his heart. YUCK.

Suzy