WW and I have been separated for about a week now. There is a thread about BP and EA here in this forum if you wish to read the whole story.

Last night, I was advised that our "Marital Relationship" was over because she could not get better (Bi-Polar) as long as she's with me. I guess I'm the cause of her problems the past 12 or 13 years even though we've only been together 6 1/2 years. I guess my support when she's been in psych hospitals and rehab don't mean a thing. Never missed visiting day/hours plus I've always been the rock in our house.

I just thought this was profound and had to share it.

"I guess I'm the cause of her problems the past 12 or 13 years even though we've only been together 6 1/2 years."

What do you mean you guess? Did you ask for clarification on the statement? Maybe I'm not understanding...I'm sorry...I don't know your sitch

It does sound like you have been the rock and you must love her very much to stick with her and her illness.

I know how drained you can become from dealing with someone who is mental ill. It's a real challenge from all involved.

"What do you mean you guess? Did you ask for clarification on the statement? Maybe I'm not understanding...I'm sorry...I don't know your sitch"

Rinderella.......It was sarcasm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

HT,

Glad to see you posting again...or have you been and I'm the ignorant one?

Have a question for you...why do you still allow her stuff to define your stuff? What she thinks is what she thinks...doesn't have a thing to do with you.

She can believe you're Elvis, and you can know you aren't. You can validate and acknowledge what she believes...you only betray yourself when decide to believe it, also.

There's a payoff for us in hearing these statements like stabs to our hearts...find that payoff. You have chosen to be there for her, because you love her...your choice. If you hear blame in her statement (that she can't get better around you), then probe that blame. You know your marital relationship isn't over...takes a divorce to do that.

You know you cannot block her healing and growth...you don't have that power. No one does. She believes differently. Leave it over there, with her.

Did you listen and repeat her statements? "I hear you're choosing to believe you cannot address your BPD while you are married, is that correct?"

Lovingly calm...to know, not to refute, change or BELIEVE.

To know. Striving to understand, later to be understood.

Clarity.

Why did you refute, tear yourself down in your head in your post? Were you feeling deep resentment? Anger? Frustration? Pain? Fear?

Why try to refute her truth with your truth? Do you still believe that there is a The Truth when it comes to thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perspectives and perceptions?

LA

"Why did you refute, tear yourself down in your head in your post? Were you feeling deep resentment? Anger? Frustration? Pain? Fear?"

Resentment, Anger, Frustration, Pain = YES!

Fear = NO! Been through D before, I'll be fine.

I have given 110% to her, the relationship and her stuff. Emotionally and financially. To be cast aside due to her indiscretions the past 6 mos. to a year as well as the illness makes me angry.

It'll pass and I'll go on.

No, sorry if it appeared that way...it's not in my nature...LOL

By whom were you advised?

It also may be the truth no matter who said it. It may not be that you are a negative influence in your support etc. It may be that she will never chose to deal with it as long as you are there supporting her. (Enablinig?)

Maybe with you out of the picture she will have to make the choice to do what is necessary to keep it under control(medication?) or let it progress until it is out of control.

If she choses to do what is necessary you may be able to reconcile or get back together.

Just my opinion.

Well, She said it directly to me. Perhaps my support has been enabling. She needs to do it on her own once and for all. Even before me, someone (mother, boyfriends, etc) has always been there to enable/support her. Maybe she does need time to get it under control. She just got out of psych hosp. last week and moved to MIL house.

Bi-Polar. What a rollercoaster ride isn't it? Up one day, down the next. I too was told that I was everything short of the devil yesterday. At first I chose to engage in the hand to hand combat.(nothing physical, just a metaphor) Then, when I saw that I was going nowhere and that he wasn't "hearing" anything that I said - I chose to distance myself. I chose to view his statements as an "outsider" instead of someone he was directing them to. When I did this it gave me a clearer picture and put some things into perspective.

It sounds as if she's not stable right now. How long has she been on her meds now? They should be working by now I'm thinking. Judging by her behavior, it sounds as if it is time for a re-evaluation with her doc. When was the last time she saw her doctor? Unfortunately I understand where you're at - hang in there.

I figured she is the one that said it. I was wondering if it was one of her doctors or an MC.

So this is how she feels and it is IMVHO a valid feeling. I would say hang in there. It doesn't mean it is over between you two.

You can also use this time to focus on yourself and re charge your battery.

Maybe even go to an IC and discuss what your part in this might be. If you can do things to support her but not enable her.(not saying you are an enabler) See someone that specializes in BP. Learn as much as you can.

Give her the time she needs to figure out what she wants.

You have a decesion to make as well. As Callie said it is a tough road. Is that something you are willing to commit too.

Good luck on this one. Just have hope.

Well, I just got a phone call to advise that I will be served with D papers early next week.

She wants to come over to my house tonight to discuss datails with me before it happens. Claims she filed early last week but was afraid to tell me until now.

I'll keep you posted.........

HT

Another point HT - if your situation is anything like mine -you are her biggest supporter and closest to her heart. You have been her protector. You are the one she's lashing out at because she trusts that you'll be there even after that. It's not fair to us, but we are the ones they turn on at times. You know how people say children will behave like angels when amongst strangers, but will behave the worst when with their parents? This is because they are in their comfort zone at home. She is in her comfort zone with you.

What to do with that? I don't know, I'm still trying to figure that out myself...

Egads......Can't believe she spent that kind of money on that filing. I could've done better with a $29.95 kit at Staples. Lots of negotiating to do.

We are supposedly set to appear in court on Sept 22. Can't believe she'd try to do it so fast. Can't get a hold of my Attorney since it's the weekend.

AHHHHHHH!

bump
what's going on HT?
we're here for you.
cgw

Thanks for your concerns. Her filing forced me to retain my own attorney. Everything changes hourly/daily. Yesterday it was all about our kid, today she's stressing about money and hospital bills from her episodes.

Since they were incurred while married, and she says she can't pay them solo, she wants me to pitch in and help her pay. On top of child and spousal support. They will affect my credit if they go to collection or garnishment. AHHH!!

I'm not sure why I'm having a problem with this divorce (emotionally). She wants out, she's made me miserable for years yet I'm still struggling with everything. She's made it very clear she wants a divorce and there is no turning back. Not even a hint of reconciliation.

My attorney is agressive and wants to go all out. I don't want that, I want to settle and remain friends for ourselves and our child's sake. I'm real confused.....

HT,
mine was worried about the hospital co-pays too.
I told him--the hospital will set you up on a payment plan. he balked, but called them after all and they did. it's all about responsibility. don't let her use that as an excuse to ruin your credit. mine took me to bankruptcy once. I'm not letting him do it to me again.
STBXH and I are trying to have an "amicable divorce" too. so far, it's working. but we still have to go to mediation, so we'll see...
keep your chin up. she may change her tune about reconciliation once she tries to manage without your support.
cgw

CGW..I'm in N-Ville too.

HT,
wow...that's 4 of us now!
small world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
cgw

Update for anyone who cares.........

3 weeks separated now......Tomorrow she moves into her own place out of MIL's... We've worked out the Temp. parenting plan and avoided going to family court.

I thought peace would take over my life but all I feel is sadness and loneliness. Feels like this will never end since now we have to go through the D part and property split part.

Started drinking heavily. Wrong thing to do but it helps me sleep......I've been through this before, It shouldn't feel this way. I know I'll come out the other end but I hate that it had to hqappen this way.

Trying to see an IC, no one has appts. till Oct. I'll be pickled by then. We're trying to be friends. Since it's been habit, she calls morning, noon and night just to say hi. How can I move on? All her stuff is still here (until tomorrow). Maybe things will change then.

Can't focus on work or fun things......just want to numb out.....I'm as bad as her...lol

Except for a recent 5 day business trip I haven't left the house. Pathetic, huh?