Hi, my fiancee and I have been together for about 4 years. We have a three year old son. Things have alsways been pretty good with us, aside from little issues that were quickly resolved. About 6 mths ago I found out (through a couple we knew as close friends) that she had cheated on me at a party while I away. I confronted her on it, and she admitted to having kissed someone, and that alcohol was involved.

My fiancee is a survivor of family child sexual abuse, and that has led her to be promiscuous in the past (college, high school). We had a real tough time initially dealing with the infidelity, but we were able to work it out and were getting better and better all the time.

But my gut told me I wasn't being told everything. I've pried before in asking her if anything else happened but she swore nothing did. So finally the other night i wouldn't accept her answer and she confessed that she drank way too much that night and woke up in bed naked with this person, and likely had sex with him.

I understand why she was scared to tell me, because I was furious at first with the simple kissing part.

I am beside myself with hurt and resentment. I've drawn so much security from our little family and it's being eaten away.

I'm torn in so many different directions. Since the first admission, we've made so much progress, she's made the compromises I needed her to make to rebuild the trust. I am also so furious that she would let somehting like this happen.

I'm also tryig to keep in mind that this is a common pattern for survivors of sexual abuse, and that this was common for her when she was younger. It by no means excuses it, but it is part of it.

I see and read so many things about surviving an affair, but there is not as much about surviving a one night stand with a stranger. It almost seems harder to take because it is so shallow considering what is at stake...

please help...

Why have you not gotten married?

Pep

We were waiting for the right time, will be next summer

I think she should stop drinking altogether and also NO PARTIES unless you're there too.

I think you can survive- a family is worth fighting for. Does she want to heal from this gut punch she's dealt your family? Do you- what do you ultimately want? Is she showing remorse and regret and shame?

While I see that she would have issues from past sexual abuse, it is not an excuse for what she did......

Yes, weve made the parties only if I'm there a policy, but the no drinking would be a good idea as well. I definitely want to make it work, so does she and she'd been responding well, shows remorse, regret and shame. And everything she does as a family member is great, she's a great partner, mother...it's just this issue. And what is hard is that afterwards there was a flirty relationship going on because we would socialize with this person and his sister.. I have a hard time forgiving her for keeping this going while knowing everything that happened. Can't tell if she' was really scared to hurt me or if she was just happy that she got away with it...

My wife and I have a good female friend who is a recovering alcoholic. In her case it was not excessive drinking or binge drinking that got her on the wagon. The number of times per year she would drink was probably just average for her age-group. However when she would drink she would too often lose control of her sexual urges and end up having ONS affairs with strangers.

Strange thing is she later divorced her husband for sleeping with their neighbour… Karma?

Drinking problems are not defined by mass but by consequences. This friend decided to dry out and meets regularly with a group of women with the same problem (now why couldn’t I find them when I was single in college!). Look into whether this could be an issue with your fiancé. You can phone your local AA chapter and ask. Start by asking if there is a woman’s group and ask to talk to one of them.

Definitely cut this man out of your circle of associates. Plus his sister for safety.

You obviously love her so try to get something positive out of this. What can be positive? Well – if done correctly reconciliation can create a ground base for a fantastic relationship.

im in the same boat as you. It is very hard.

My fiance got drunk at a bar and was involved with a woman in her vehicle. Intercourse did not happen (as the story goes) because he was to intoxicated to perform. He doenst deny that even w/o intercourse it was an affair. It has been devastating to me.

Like you...Im having a hard time finding resourses on how to cope with something like this. Most of what I find is an EA or a longer term PA.

We are not currently engaged and he has not had a drink since he told me about the occurance (i would never have found out otherwise) This particular woman no longer lives in town but i still see all his phone records/internet stuff (nothing suspicious there before or after)

Still it doesnt go away. My mom, who knows the ENTIRE story, tells me that she doesnt think he is a horrible guy and that he just made a very very very bad mistake. Forgivable ...if certian actions are met. Still...it hurts. Like He**. I go back and forth every day on if i want to be in this.

I am very sorry for you. If she had sex with a stranger then the both of you need to get checked for STD's. This is the consequences of one night stands. Your engaged to be married and she does this then I would have real doubts about the wisdom of getting married to her.

Thanks for all the replies, they are very helpfulIIt's certainly one of the toughest things to deal with, but like "bigger" mentioned, a reconciliation done correctly can help immensely. One thing that has helped is that though I'm only finding out the full story now and it is hurtful as he**, this event happened a year ago, and since the first admission, she has been fantastic and has replied very well in doing what we need to do to rebuild trust.

The toughest thing is fighting the urge to revisit and think about details, I know its not productive and better to keep the bigger picture in mind, but there's a certain comfort in feeling sorry for yourself...

Thanks again for the replies...