1. Fulfill my role as a F-pig for as long as he wants
2. No R talk
3. Get the house in order (we just moved)

BH says he has no intention to divorce, but my picking at him and R talk doesn't help my chances.

Let me say- in the abstract I don't object to these rules- the SF can actually be pretty fun, and I know it draws us closer- but now I am not going to initiate, becuase he gets his kicks by rejecting me and calling me names. So I'll fulfill the need- when he says he needs it.

As for the no R talk, this is the hardest thing for me to do. I hate not knowing how it will end. It's like one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People- begin with the end in mind- so it's hard to not see any end. This is a theme with me, I know.

The house- this in not my house, I am not on the loan and I quit-claimed the deed as "penance" for my EA. However, in my state we are practically a community property state, so even if we D, with a good lawyer I can still get 1/2 equity (BH knows all this too). Anyway, I make the house payment, I am doing all the unpacking (expcept for BH's personal papers, etc), I'm hanging all the blinds and doing most of the painting. BH lays on the bed and reads. This infuriates me. He says it's also part of my "penance." But I do want a nice home and I want to get everything done. Sometimes he'll make a nice comment about how I'm getting everything done, other times it's "you're so lazy and a crappy mother to boot."

I can follow these "rules," but I'm not sure I'm going to have much desire to have a good marriage by the time he's able to heal. I'm going to have to do all these things with a cheerful countenance, being sullen will not work, of course, but after all is said and done, I think my love bank will be so far in the red I won't care anymore.....

Just venting...frustrated.....like BH says, I want the end now. I know it's not reasonable, but after 5+ months of NC, EA totally ended....is it unreasonable to ask if he thinks we will end up with a good marriage, and not just pissed off at each other (even if we stay married for Dbaby's sake, which we would)?

I wish I could help you with this? I only wished that my now EX WW would have made an effort. I know that it would have been hard and tiresome work but I would have done it for her and our kids. I never got the chance. I can imagine that your H wants the R to remain in the state it is currently in. He is extremely angry as witnessed by his actions. He needs to get some IC to share his feelings with a neutral party. Then MC would be next after this.

No IC and no MC. Did that with his former wife, nothing left for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He did agree to read a book I ordered that is geared towards our religion, and most of it is about how to survive and stay married. he won't read Harley's books- yet- but maybe one day....

Yikes! That's awful. I'm sure I wouldn't allow my husband to call me any names. You made a terrible mistake and you are right to want to do whatever you can to fix your marriage. But, that should in no way entitle your husband to treat you will disrespect.

Do you ever go for long drives together? I often will bring along a book and read it to my husband while he drives. Maybe you could read him one of Dr. Harley's books. Sometimes when he's working on a project I'll read to him too. He really likes this. But, since you're the one who is working on projects, maybe YOU could ask your husband to read to you...one of Dr.H's books, perhaps?

Dear MrsRob,
I don't believe in a BS having the "right" to punish you, to call you names etc.
That's not an adult's take on things.
It's ok and understandable that he feels hurt.
But if he takes it out on you over and over - you are very likely to lose all the love you ever had for him, and what use would that be?
Can you talk to him about that?
Not "are we getting a D?"
But "We have to work on this together. How can we do that?"

MrsRob,

This isn't recovery. Penance isn't remorse, it's just 'doing time' and carving out a pound of flesh. None of this does anything to promote a healthy marriage and safeguard you or the marriage from another affair.


Of course you won't -- your marriage is never going to recover this way. Regardless of your affair, he doesn't have the right to verbally abuse you by calling you names (does he refer to you as his f-pig? Yikes)

What happens if you don't agree?

Mys

MM- I doubt he'd read to me- and no reading on car rides, he gets sick!! You can see why I'm "jealous" of how your BH is taking your EA- it could be so much worse...

Brownhair- yes, I have said that- basically what I say is that our old marriage was dead, and that I killed it- but if we are going to be married we have to forge a "new" marriage, and I want it to be a good one. he agrees in the abstract, but says he is nowhere near thinking that way about our M, he is still too angry with what I did and until he "gets over it" he is not thinking about making a good marriage. Parents with benefits, is sometimes how he characterizes it....

Mys- I agree. However, I have gone through a repentance process at my church and I know I will never have another A. I will divorce him first. I really want to make this one work- maybe it's a case of better the devil you know than the devil you don't?? Anyway, yes, f-pig on occasion, last night it was "fat greasy w***e." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am thinking about plan Aing for ME- of course, he'll get the good by-products, but I am feeling tired of all his cr*p and don't need low self esteem issues along with all this.

My bishop at church told me- when I confessed my EA to him- that as long as I truly repented and NEVER did anything like this again, if MrRob didn't forgive me it was MrRob's problem, not mine. That I would be clean in the sight of the Lord. THis made me feel better. he also told me to be the wife and mother God wanted me to be, then I would be sure I was on the right path.

The thing is- I would be fine financially if we D. It would be tight, but much easier for me than for him, I make all the $$. But I do love him, bottom line, and want it to work. I also want my baby to grow up with 2 parents who love eachother.

I have plenty of things to work on myself, maybe I should stop trying to fix him, ya think??

You don't need to fix him.
He has to do that part of the job in your M.
But you don't have to take insults.
Can you tell him calmly and in a loving way that you feel bad about the way he calls you?
That you are prepared to work hard on the M, but that disrespect is not part of the deal?
He might reply that your EA was disrespectful.
OK.
So he'll also get to do penance for being disrespectful to YOU ?

mrs.rob


But I do love him, bottom line, and want it to work. I also want my baby to grow up with 2 parents who love eachother.

this is a nice thought...

but this is not your reality and this is NOT what you have...

you have a man that calls you a blankity blank blank (I can't even type the words...it is bad enough he has spoken them once.....)

THIS is NOT a marriage
THIS is NOT of GOD
THIS is NOT right.....

THIS IS NOT LOVE>>>>>>>>

not from him...
and
really NOT from you...
but it is what you know...and what you have been brainwased to think you deserve..

THIS is not recovery
THIS is not a healthy environment for you or the children...

HE is evil...
there is no right or reason on this earth to stay with with the intent of punishing....

he has no right...
but more and MOST importantly...you must NOT condone this behavior...

PLAN B ASAP...
I don't care if you are the WS former WS any other applicable label...

Your husband is acting sadistically..
and there is no excuse for it..

no matter your actions past/present ..he like all of us is STILL and always accountable for his choices and actions as well....

The longer you stay in this SICK SICK universe..the more it will become the norm for you...

it will destroy you...
he is on a path of destruction...

he can choose to stop to it..
but staying with him....
and taking that crap...in my opinion hurts him as well as you.....

it reinforces his belief in his right to say and treat you this way.....

you are part of his cycle of abuse....

I'm telling you get out while you can still see a way out...
this can not go on
this must stop
you can not make him stop....

so there for you must remove yourself...

and let him choose...

I beg you..
litterally

ARK

Mrs. Rob...

Please listen to ark^^...This is NOT an environment that is healthy in any way for you, your children or even your husband...Staying enables him to continue this abuse which harms you ALL...Choose not to enable this behavior...Choose to be healthy...I wish you Godspeed...

Mrs. W

Mrsrob,

I read your thread then wrote out a post earlier. I decided not to post at that time. I had some harsh words for your H.

I can honestly say that I wish my FWW would have taken the I will do anything route with me. I would have not gone to the exteme that your H has.

First of all you are not a f pig. That is a huge dj and he should never call you that.

I never wanted to punish my FWW. I wanted to be remorseful and repentant. I also wanted her to make some sacrafices and consessions in our M. Finally to mitigate as much of the fall out from her A as she could.

I could not see punishing her. What good does it do. Everything I asked my FWW to do I wanted her to do not as a punishment but as a way to fill up my LB so I had those feelings for her again.

He is abusing you for a mistake you made. No matter what you did you do not deserve to be treated like this.

HE IS ACTING like a dictator or a warden.

When will it end? REalize you could be setting a precedent that you are willing to be treated like this.

Just my two cents.

I am so sorry....... I read your post and it was like looking into what my life will be. I don't know your story but yours was an EA mine was a PA and there is an OC involved so I suppose I will need to pay for the rest of my life too.

I don't know what is right or wrong anymore, is this something BS feel because of the betrayal?? Is this normal to be asked all this of a WS? is it just a "test" to see how much you are willing to do to repair the mistake???

I am sorry... I have no words of wisdom to give you as I am dealing with my own situation. My prayers for you is all I have right now....

McBecca <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How does the bishop feel about him calling you these names? Can you meet with the bishop again, and ask him to councel your H?

If respect cannot be restored in the M, the M is not restored. You had an EA, that does not give your H the right to be abusive. He can leave or he can stay and work on the marriage. Staying to torture you should not be an option. Tell him is 'rules' have been rejected.

Please get him to the bishop... best of luck to you - Dru

Mrs Rob,

Ark is right! Enough is enough, you are being mentally and verbally abused.

Go to the Bishop if he will go even better, lay it out and reject the rules. Either he stops or leaves. Even as a BS I can't see this type of punishment. Punishment should be dealt out by your god, NOT your H. I am so sorry to hear this.

I'm curious as to your religion? Surely your husband can't see the way he is acting being condoned by any religion.

No one deserves to be treated as he is treating you.

From experience, I can tell you that your child will be happier in a home with one healthy parent than in a home where the mother is abused and yes, you are being abused.

what does the bishop have to do with this..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

get to a lawyer...
seek legal protection first...
get all thoes bishops and duckies lined up...

then go to PLAN B where you plan atleast a YEAR of PLAN B with NO thoughts of reconcilliation till he attends gobs of anger management classes....

New Life Ministries offer things all over AND they are huge huge marriage builders adovocates give out dr harleys books all the time and direct people here...

there is NO point in discussing these rules

there is ONLY removing yourself from them...
period....

ARK

First of all, if you belong to the faith I think you do, there is NOTHING that condones or endorses his behavior.

And I have a hunch that he was this way before you became attracted to someone else...

Men don't just transform into monsters overnight.

Definitely Plan A for the next couple weeks if you can stand to - for you, as you say. But then have the bishop remove him from the home and act as your intermediary. There is plenty of direction from church leadership to back up this move - all you have to do is pull out a recent general conference report to find that proof.

My bishop acted as intermediary for me when my husband and I separated for a time; when my husband laid out his list of demands it would have to be in front of the bishop - and I'd simply say, I don't feel like those are in my family's best interests and let him stew for another month or two; finally, we reconciled with all but one thing fixed in the marriage; but Kasey no longer blames me for those problems - it's very clear to everyone, including Kasey what needs to happen.

Above everything else, don't let yourself get attached to another man; keep yourself above reproach so that his behavior doesn't find any traction in your feelings about yourself.

PS

I would straight up tell him "I don't agree to your rules" and then go on with living the best Plan A you could - but don't even imply that you go along with his disrespect.

I would also suggest you do this in front of the bishop - have him call you in, and you can bring up the "rules" there. Let Mr. Rob explain himself.

You are in an unbelievably powerful position here. You don't have to agree to anything. HE NEEDS YOU and if you walk, there is no harm to your credit, it's all on him.

Leverage this into your plans that he gets to live entirely without you during Plan B.