Well, even if you can get 1/2 equity if you end up divorced, you could be out of luck if he DIES without leaving the house to you! There is no way I would make the payments on property that has a possibility of ending up belonging to someone else. Even if he leaves the house to your DD, you would be seriously impacted and screwed if he doesn't have life insurance that will pay off the house. And, once your DD comes of age, she could sell it or ask you to move out. Hopefully, she would be considerate of her mother, but I can tell you from experience that children can learn/emulate some bad behaviors from a hateful parent.

Warning: Don't follow my advice, but I think I would sit down and tell my H that since he has his "rules", I have one, too: "Kiss my (_!_) !" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So ask your H, how are these rules going to make our M better and stronger? As an Xbs he s/b able to answer this.

If he can't, then had better go back to his drawing board and come up with a better plan. If he says that's your job, tell him nicely....'no dear, that's our job....so what's your input to make our M.....better?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

DO NOT DISCUSS OR POWERSTRUGGLE THESE RULES:

DO NOT DISCUSS

JUST LISTEN AND SAY..

UH-HUH

AND THEN GO ON YOUR MERRY WAY..

PERIOD...

NO GOOD WILL COME FROM DISCUSSING THESE THINGS..
NO GOOD WILL COME OUT OF DISAGREEING WITH THEM..

POINTLESS
INSANITY

ARK

Well, weekends always bring new developments, don't they.

BH apologized for the name calling, and said he was wrong to make SF demands. He wants to work on our marriage and says he knows HE has things to work on.

Total shock. But good shock.

I actually do agree with the rule of no R talk for awhile. He says he has no intention of D, so my attacking him about it (and to be fair, I do attack and harass, it's a big problem that I am working on) doesn't help.

KaylaAndy, you are right- and we actually watched that General Conference together right after D-day (are you talking about Elder Holland's talk? Or the other one about Marriage???) He certainly has issues, but seems to be opening up to working on them. I ordered a book from Deseret Book that deals with the pain of infidelity and how to recover your marriage- he won't read Dr Harley's, but looked at this book and said he'd "probably" read it.

And BH freely agrees that he would be held in the wrong if he were challenged on what he is doing. I think that is why he is backing off- his anger took hold, now he is seeing that that is no way to make a marriage better....

Ark, I respect your point of view, and I have consulted an attorney...

LadyClueless- he did make a will leaving it to me. I know for sure becasue we did a will together. So that is taken care of.

I know I push-started this roller coaster ride. He has to work out his issues, and I have to work out mine, and we work on our M together.

It's like I told him, I'd like to begin with the end in mind (ala Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), and his response was to say that we cannot predit the future, but he intends to stay and make our marriage better.

He never apologizes, so this was a big thing for him...

Tell him you don't want him to predict the future, only to COMMIT to rebuilding your marriage.

MM- when I tell him that- that I want him to commit to our marriage, he says, "I'm here, MrsRob, so that's what I'm doing."

For now, that will do- my plan A has to be better than it has been. I've been LBing a lot, still have selfish tendencies.

It is hard being in the wrong, hard getting over it, hard to admit to all that I did, and-forgive me for saying it- hard not to think about the fantasy of the OM. BH's words and deeds make me think about OM sometimes and what I "gave up." Then I pull my head out of my a$$ and take a good hard look at myself.

You BS's here who are loving and kind and proscribe to MB principles, you have my utmost admiration and respect.

MRS,

I am glad things are going well. Each person needs to take ownership of their actions. Not just you, not just him but both of you and it sounds like that is happening.


What you gave up is not much to be honest. I would have a very difficult time having a good perception of a person that was a OP. Think about the type of person he is for engaging in a relationship with a married person. It indeed takes two to tango but where are his morals? IMVHO anyone that is an OP has some serious issues. What are you giving up a person with no moral value. He did not have a high opinion of the sanctity of your M do you think if you were with him that would change. I would think that might be enough.

I would say you are on the right track with your part and keep up the good work. See the plan A worked and he has already started to come around.

I quite agree that a man who has no respect for M - yours as well as his own - hardly qualifies as a good partner.
Being nice and giving compliments - basically playing Mr Nice Guy - is easy when you have no responsibilities.

You have nothing to lose by becoming a better, stronger person with clearly defined boundaries.
My personal experience is that you can cut back on the LB'ing once you have worked out your personal boundaries - what you will accept and what not.
It's easier to remain calm when you don't feel you need to defend yourself because you know you're doing the right thing.
It gives more patience, too.

I hope the turnaround in your H will last & keep going in the right direction for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Mrs. Rob,

The term "F-pig", did your husband use that term or did you?


Please check out this website link. May be of benefit to you.

http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/5/400379.html

Mrs Rob, regardless of your mistakes, no one deserves this treatment. You deserve better. You are obviously a kind hearted tender person. Are there any shelters for abused Women you can go to? Do you have family or friends you can stay with.

I am appalled by this shameful treatment by a "man"

Slick 50- his words, not mine. I will look at your website.

BigKahuna- the thing is, BH knows right from wrong. He KNOWS what he is doing is not right, he admits it. But too bad for me, basically. But if he honestly looks at himself he does see that he is not acting in a Christ-like way, and I think he's upset at himself for that- not enough to change, yet, but I think it's at least a step forward...

He says he'll get over it when he gets over it.

I have to really work on the no R talk. Yesterday was not a good one for me in that regard. Today, this morning, I was about to launch, and I stopped, addressed the issue (really nothing having to do with R, but I can always twist it...), and then told him I love you and went to work. He says ILY, we pray together morning and night...

He did commit to reading this book that is coming- dang media mail- instead of just saying "maybe." It is a religious book, so I have hopes that it will shed some light to him about his emotions and pain and how to stay married and forgive without all the other hurt.

He has said that he'd be surprised if I still want to stay around after he's "gotten over it" becasue of all the things he's putting me through.

Yesterday, I bought him some cereal that only comes out near Halloween (Boo Berries, anyone?) I thought he said that he liked them. He said he "Never said that. It must be one of your other paramours." I was hurt to the core. But I just calmly said that his comment was unacceptable and that I was just trying to do a nice thing for him. He apologized, was surprised I took it the way I did. Before the EA, we'd joke when we got something wrong, "No, it must be one of your other girlfriends/boyfriends." Ha ha. Not as funny now.

And the reality is, going to a woman's shelter? Would that really help me? Taking my 15 yr old, 12 yr old and 16 month old to a shelter? Moving out? When really , if I had not had my EA and just found MB, he would probably have been receptive? We have problems and had them in our marriage all along, he agrees with that, and now I think this is a case of waiting it out and practicing what I preach- forgiveness.

If he ever hit me or got physical, I'd be out of there in a heart beat. But he never has in 6 years, I've only heard him yell 3 times.

I need to shut my mouth- whose sig lines says not to open your mouth unless it improves the silence? Wise words...

Mrs. W recommended a self-help book that I'm going to order...

Raises hand and blushes . . .


My BS says these things too . . . I think it is to get reassurances. I don't thing she usually says these things to hurt me . . .

When he says these things say "OUCH" and leave the room.

I've learned it isn't very productive having and argument with yourself.

Mrs. R, another book that I might suggest for him would be Torn Usunder by Dave Carder. This is a christian based recovery book that has principles very similar to MB but that covers some areas more in depth. For me, utilizing Torn Usunder combined with MB principles was a huge step in the right direction early in recovery.