I am not sure if this is helpful to you but if you do have a joint CC account, then if you report YOUR card stolen, the entire account is frozen - including his. The CC bank has to issue a new card with a new number.

get out of the house and go have fun

call a friend or 2

Pep

He's trying to punish you.

The thing is, he won't be able to keep on keeping them from you. He needs you to continue to care for them.

Let him know you went out tonight and tomorrow and really enjoyed yourself. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you're upset.

AmI,

Best thing to do is to not feel punished. Like sticking your tongue out emotionally. Only don't do it, really.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You are in the unknown...that's scary...you don't know for sure what is really happening and what isn't. Your children are old enough to call you...you'll hear from them, too. This isn't permanent...this is right now.

Listen to Pep and Pio and Believer...good self-care...lots of slow, deep breaths...right now. Temporary. No hyperventilating just 'cuz it's fun.

You did not do anything to be punished for...you're an adult woman who is saving her marriage...stay in that place and know that you don't know...show yourself it's okay not to know right now.

Hope you're with friends, crying and laughing when you feel like it...because you're loved, fun to be with and a joy to behold.

LA

nice post lovinganyway....

Drop the you are being punished mantra....
it will not serve you in to recovery or negotiation...

Do you truly believe that this man will put the children in harms way....

or is he just knee jerking his own reaction to exposure...

you must continue to seek compassion for this whole seen throughout or it will cause you to say and act in ways that do damage your chance for contact with the children....

you must not powerstruggle this....
you must NOT react to this..

the children are safe...
this is a temporary blip of his...

ride it out....

without crisis or chaos...

ARK

Journal this and report it if you think he is behaving irrationally.


Report to who? Your lawyer, your IC/MC, your support group (looks like you already did this), call the women's abuse hotline or the police.

When the children get back to you, you may go through a stage where you are down right angry. Know that while this is ok to feel this way, the WS will NOT understand why you are angry. After he all, in his mind the kids were not used as pawns but in reality they really were.

This is where it will be critical for you to have a clear mind and cal heart. Say as little as possible to him and love your children. At the very least you are the primary care giver and don't forget it. He can pull his bio-parental card, let him. He can show the police his birthmark....so what. Let him.... you just go on being the primary care giver and as such, when they are missing you record and report as needed.

Ok? When it is safe, get an accurate account from your children. Let them know it is ok to tell you what went on with their trip with their dad. He may have coerced them into NOT telling you stuff. Dicipher that line of crap and squish it. Let your children know it is important for them to tell you what is going on so that no harm comes to them.

Expect him to try and poison the children's minds against you. You create a strong support bond with the children and let the children do their part. Love, real love is a bond of union in a family.

The A is a cheap and ugly facade.

Hugz,
L.

The kids told Grandma (my MIL) that they went to meet Daddy's new friend last night.

I'm still not allowed to see them. It sounds like they will be staying with MIL tonight. She said she'll call me after WH leaves so I can go over and spend some time with them then.

Thak God that I have good in-laws.

-AmI

I don't know if someone talked him into it or what, but WH brought the kids home for a few hours.

I got to mess around in the kitchen and watch part of a movie with DD, and watch DS play a video game for a while.

WH was here, too. He made sure there was no alone time for me with the kids, but at least I got to see them and hang out with them a little.

DD asked me "Mom, why am I spending the night at Grandma's if you're going to be here?" And WH said "Because that's where I want you, that's why."

A little bit ago, he turned of DD's movie and told the kids to load up, but that they didn't need their overnight bags yet .... not sure where he's taking them ...

At least I got to see them today and will get to go see them some more tonight after he takes them to MIL's.

My heart aches for them. I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet about what's going on. Maybe tonight at MIL's ....

BTW ... Even with th ekids gone, WH slept here last night.
Came home around 4:30 am ...

His sister was here with me, we had gone out and she had drama going on at her house, so she spent the night here.

He didn't speak to either of us, just showered and went to bed. I was gone grocery shopping when he got up and left to pick the kids up.

I don't know what's going on with him, I'm jsut so, so glad that I got to see them some today.

-AmI.

First off.... your H is being a jerk. I am sorry you are being tormented by his insensitive actions.
Contrary to what you have been told here... do NOT call the police. You will not like what they have to tell you. In the best of cases... where they are both of your children, the police could not intervene without a court order. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell a teary parent that there is nothing the police can do regarding this domestic issue. There is no reason to call protective services since he is not a danger to them... just not being a very good dad right now. He is flexing his daddy muscles because he knows he has that power in your M since the kids are legally his. You have taken away his other power... and rightfully so.. with exposure.
Let things calm down a bit and see what happens. I would certainly speak to an attorney... but again, would be prepared for not the greatest news on that front.
Most likely he is just blowing off steam and it is having the impact on you that he had hoped for. I've been down this road before and I hate when a parents USES a child to get back at their partner. That is the lowest of low.
Good luck to you and try and remain calm.

Hi AmI,

It looks to me your WS is trying to get a 'reaction' from you by pushing your 'buttons'.... don't give him that satisfaction... otherwise you will be 'reinforcing' him on how to best 'manipulate you'..... this is where you need to be strong and not REACT...

If your WS has the kids' best interest at heart.... he will not take them out of your life, even if he can legally.... but you can't control what he choses to do...but don't forget....he's a WS right now....and who knows what he is capable of...... so, sit back and focus on yourself...and as ARK says....maybe it's time to BE STILL.... don't play into his drama... don't powerstruggle.... it's exactly what he is looking for... a reason to blame you for his troubles if you let him!

Are you saying he came home at 4:30am but the children were in an unknown location away from you for no good reason?

Document it. All of it. Go see child protective services or call the woman's shelter.

His line to his child should also be noted. He is insane! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Your husband's actions sound like a child who is having a tantrum, taking HIS toys and going home.

I agree with the others to stay calm, ride out this storm because it will pass and he will likely return the children into your care as their mother. Regardless if you're their BIO-mom or not, they love you and you them, and HE KNOWS THAT.

Jo

I think this is such a tough situation becasue frankly they are legally his children. I feel for you, I really do, but I do NOT think you are going to have any legal recourse whateoever. It is certainly a sad situation.

He seems like a real scumbag.

lem

I really, really appreciate everyone's input, I'm just now trying to respond directly to some posts since up to this point I've mostly just been updating the sitch.


I am feeling much calmer now, especially since I got to see the kids today. I don't feel punished, but do think this is his way of trying to punish me. That's kind of a subtle difference, but it's a big impact in how I feel.

I'm not so panicky and anxious, I feel capable of riding things out for the next few days without reacting or letting this get my buttons. After tonight, he's off for a few days, so I think by the time he goes back to work, during the week, he won't be able to farm the kids out to other people on school nights. And he will have had some time to calm down a little by then.

So thanks for all the deep breaths and being still ... it's helped a lot.

As far as calling the police, my WH is a cop. I've heard enough stories over the years to know that, like MEDC said, it wouldn't get me anywhere. So I haven't done that. I have documented everything, though, and told all of the family exactly what's going on. They are helping me keep tabs on the kids, MIL invited me over to have dinner with them tonight.

Yes, he came home "from work" at 4:30 am, even though the kids were not here. I had found out where they were by then, but obviously not with his help. I don't know why he even bothered to come here.

I know I don't have a legal leg to stand on with the kids, although I still intend to do everything I can and try. I do have a little leverage in that he needs a stable place for them to stay when he's working nights which is more nights a week than not ... so I'm hoping that eventually his brain kicks in on that.

He's so incredibly angry right now about the letters I sent to his chain of command that I think that's the only thing he can see at all right now.

So here's what I know, and what I'm holding on to for right now ... they are safe tonight, even though they are not with me -- they are in a place where they are very loved and happy (MIL's) ... I got to spend quite a bit of time with them today despite his tantrum, and it was all quality time ... I'll be able to spend quite a bit of time with them tomorrow based on the activities they have, and since he doesn't work tomorrow night, I'm assuming they will also be home tomorrow night.

A lot less anxious and panicky now ... I think I can ride out this storm.

-AmI.

We have dealt with BS' whose H's are in law enforcement. What a shame. Have you exposed to his work yet?

L.

yes she has, the answer to your question is in her little bios on the affair in sig lines.

Yes, the exposure to his work is what kicked off this whole taking the kids incident.

I wrote letters all the way up the entire chain of command. They got there on Thursday, but they didn't talk to WH about them until Friday.

And that's the day he took DD out of school early and took off with them ... that's what started this thread.

It's not an issue of him being a cop. It's an issue that no law has been broken. He could leave with them tomorrow for good and unless a judge issued a court order, the police can do absolutely nothing... even if AK were the natural mom. It has to be a violation of either a court ordered custody agreement or a bench order for the police to get involved.

In this case, because he is using the kids as leverage, he is being a jerk but is perfectly within his legal rights to do so. Morally and ethically is another story! He is being a jerk.

Sit tight. Do not get anyone else invloved at this point if you want to see the kids. You have done the exposure... let him calm down and go from there. He knows that he has power in this and only this. Let him get it out of his system... I am sorry, I know it hurts like he!!... but grin and bear it for right now and lean on your support systems. The kids are fine. There is no reason to think they are in any danger... other than the fact that he has pulled them from their home.

Speak to a lawyer... but do so without telling him. He does not need to know what you are doing at this point.

Good luck .

Will your H come on here?