I'm so glad you have your sister...that you both remain close, supportive and truly "there" for each other.

Why sentence yourself to the PONR (point of no return)...where you believe by the time WH would turn around, your marriage would crash anyway?

You don't know the future. How you will feel when, let alone, others...that's reality, right?

Live today. Today hurts. Today there is what? Anger for his disrespect? (You stated two things he's already changed in regards to respect.) Stop gathering evidence of the future and live today.

You are not a babysitter or weekend entertainment for the kids. You are a mother. We all have experienced that perspective and found the poison in it--which we gulped.

I'm asking you to spit it out, 'k?

You are grieving receiving mistreatment, disrespect, loss of feeling loved. Good to grieve. Very real. Sadness is healing, AmI...you're healing yourself.

Know you're where you are at by choice...great choices, IMO. You are loved...by many. You won't feel it until you accept that reality...change your perception. Do that and tell us what you're feeling in that moment, before that perception goes away.

O&H call...a selfish demand on my part? Practice here, AmI. Go to the next level of stating your feelings (you're hurting) and state all of them. Can you do that? Separate and identify? Pain is a lump of a lot of stuff. Getting comfortable with the parts helps the whole.

You know, I had a nun for a piano instructor from ages 3 to 8. She used a ruler to smack my fingers to train them not to make mistakes...I wonder if I'm doing that here, at times. Not for others to be perfect, but to not get smacked by their own ruler?

Hmmm...

And yes, I SUCK at the piano.

ROFLMAO

Won't go near one.

LA

AmI- you just reminded me that I went through something similar when there was still contact...I would go to work...not want to be there...come home...not want to be here either, so I sat on the sofa, with my head on the arm, staring at the TV, not really knowing what was going on but staring at it all the same...

I was lost for days...TBH, I'm not sure what snapped me out of it...

The point is that what you are experiencing right now is healthy and it's not the means to an end...it's really more like the beginning...you just have to decide what it's the beginning of...

LA made a very valid point on WH's respect...did you notice that...he's calming down and not acting so wild...what he's doing is acting out the script, you know, WS script...

I see the hope...WH is still there...hasn't gone anywhere...kids are still there...ALL of them right there with YOU...

Please don't give up now...perhap you should read how A's begin and end once more...to help you get grounded with today...

Just a thougth and more than my 2 cents...probably more like 6 cents! LOL

Smile...You really are a super hero in my book...now WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

U don't get to pass the point of no return that easily ya know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You might think so and it might feel that way but in reality..... u ain't ready yet.

If he is still a WS (even if that's his mindset), he isn't worthy of being at home. U will eventually reach that conclusion if he thinks he is ok.

So r u ready for plan B yet?

L.

here's the marker on the road when you are at the point of no return

~~~>>>no emotional investment<<<~~~

neither you nor WH are on that road

remember ... his anger demonstrates his attachment to you

if he were truely detached ... he'd stop raging & be much much calmer

Pep

WH's remaining attachment TO YOU makes him angry

so he tries to position YOU to detach ... because he's unable

Pep

Good Morning! I hope you are having a great time with your sister.

Pep's right!

WH came home just shortly before 9am on Sunday morning. The kids and I leave at 9 for church. Poor DD was making all kinds of excuses for him ... he must be working out, he must have gotten a bunch of late cases, lots of bad guys .... on and on.

When he came in, all dressed up and "date hat" on ... she was asking him .... Dad, where were you? Were you working out? No .... Dad, did you have to work late? No .... Dad, did you catch a bunch of bad guys? Then he started telling her stories about work and got her off the subject. All the way to church, she was talking about how he had worked all night and just gotten home from work, and he must be really tired from having to work all night long ... and she wondered why he didn't have his uniform on when he got home ... and he must have gone to work out afterwards .... on and on trying to make excuses for why her Daddy was gone all night long. (Oh, she also told him he smelled funny, which made me laugh and think of Orchid.)

DS used to do that for Bio-Mom ... make excuses for why she wasn't there when she said she would be .... come up with reasons to explain her lies and abscence. It broke my heart then, and it's breaking my heart now.

Later, I said to WH: "It isn't enough for you to be tearing this family apart, you have to rub our noses in your affair, too? If you're going to spend the night at your girlfriends house, at least have the decency to wait until we're gone befor you come traipsing in flaunting it like an alley cat. DD has been making all kinds of excuses up for herself of where you could have been last night, just like DS used to do for Bio-Mom. Pretty sad that you're in her category now."

DD also told my sister and I this weekend that when they met OW (last Friday, when WH disappeared with the kids, that's where they went), her puppy peed on WH's shoe. Guess that dog is a good judge of character ....


Anyway, I have an appointment with the new attorney in an hour. I'll let you all know what she has to say.

-AmI.

Well, it's good to see you around! I hope that you enjoyed your time with your sister. I shoulder to lean on?

LOL...I think you handled the situation great...you sound different today...feeling better?...YOU sound great!

Best wishes at the lawyer's!

I love it...puppy pee! Cool!

IMHO you should tell the kids the truth about where there dad was. They are old enough to know what he is doing.

I hope your lawyers appointment goes well.

MEDC

Well, it turns out that it was a good thing that the last lawyer couldn't meet with me.

The lawyer I met with today has found a way to get, and has several times gotten, liberal parenting time for a step parent. The law in this state is very anti-step-parent, but she's been able to do it, has some law that backs her up, has been able to do it in the courts here, in our county, and the judges agree with her, so there is case law in our county suporting it! She looked at what information I have and WH's schedule, along with the parenting plan for Bio-Mom, and said that I have a beter case than other step parents who she's won parenting time for -- especially with WH's schedule and the location of the kids' schools, etc.

I have to file within 90 days of him removing the kids from me, so I may be the one who ends up filing for divorce. But that will be ok with me if it lets me have time with my kids! At my house -- not this nonsense of going to his house to "babysit".

There was also some good financial stuff ... but the most critical thing is that I'm going to be able to fight for my kids -- he can't use them against me anymore!!!! He can't take away my kids!!!!

-AmI.

Ami,

Good for you. I know the D stuff stinks because it is not in your heart right now. But you do need to protect yourself.

Maybe this will be his rock bottom. Maybe he will see that you are a wonderful person that loves him and children that you raised but were only yours by M. That is a person with a lot of love and a lot to give.

Good luck.

That is great news!!!!!!!! So happy for you!

How is the "Steve Plan" going?

The story you told about DD making excuses for him was perfect! How did he react to it?

Have you done more like that? Or has he been absent too much?

MEDC -- I have talked to the kids and let them know about WH's affair ... and DD seemed almost frantic to prove to herself that Daddy wouldn't do that to HER, too. That the marriage may be on the skids, but he wouldn't ever not come home to HER.

So I guess I didn't really know how to say to her "No, honey, Daddy was not working or working out or catching bad guys or any of th other noble things you want to believe about him -- he was spending the night at his girlfriends house and rubbing our noses in it by not coming home until right before we left for church."

Yeah, that's a little over-dramatic ... I guess I just didn't want to be the one who bursts the daddy bubble for her.

We went through something similar with DS and Bio-mom ... and no matter what evidence you had, no matter what you could tell him or prove or whatever -- he would not believe anything less than perfect about his mother. He would make up excuses and lies and everything to cover for her. DD was doing the same thing for WH. WH had told her that he hadn't been working out, and that he hadn't had to work late ... but she spent the rest of the morning convincing herself that he had been doing exactly that.

I didn't know how to be the reality bringer for HER, and wasn't sure that she'd listen to the reality, anyway.... or not resent me for bringing it to her ..... ?

Maybe I should have given him my little speech when the kids could have heard? I don't know, I'd be open to suggestions!

-AmI.

This is wonderful news AmI! I may just have to drink a beer for you to celebrate tonight!

So, can you explain what kind of time your talking about spending with them? DId she give you an idea of how many days?

Great news, AmI. The best thing is that this crushing fear of losing the kids is now lifted. That should free you of so much worry. Now you can deal with your WH the best way you know how without worrying about blowing your chances with the kids. And it may be what gets him to wake up a bit. I hope so.

I suppose you don't want to tip your hand to him about this new info, but... it should change the way you react to him and he's sure to pick up on that at some level. And since the easiest path for him is to have you keep the kids with you and his rebellion is probably going to wear off with time, you probably aren't going to have a big fight on your hands anyway. But, you have to be ready in case he takes this all the way.

Do you think he's actually going to leave or do you think he'll keep putting it off and end up staying until you kick him out?

How much do you know about the OW? I seem to remember you saying that she was very easy. She may be wanting to hold on to your WH at all costs, because he may be the only guy at work who actually got involved with her. The others probably used her and left.

As far as the kids, they know the truth now. While I wouldn't necessarily shield them from discussions with your WH about finances, housing, assets, etc... I wouldn't say anything more to them about their dad. They know what's going on. I'd just work at building the strongest relationship you can with them, so they'll push from their end to be with you. It sounds like your WH is being enough of a jerk and being absorbed enough in his games, that he's not being the best parent now anyway. The kids will see that and if they feel you are saying bad things about him, they'll want to defend him and that could make them turn against you. If they overhear you and your WH talking and they hear you trying to ensure that the kids get to stay in their house and in their school with their normal life, they'll know that you're on their side. But, I wouldn't say anything against their dad at all right now. You did the right thing letting your WH answer the questions about where he was. Your daughter knows the truth. How's your son handling it?

You're making great progress. It hasn't been very long at all post DD#2. You've doing so well. Good for you for telling him off about coming home and grandstanding that way. How did he act after you said that to him -- ashamed or defiant?

WHAT A RELIEF!!!!

I'm so happy for you and the kids!It would be a shame to have the stable loving adult taken from them. This is a VERY good thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

:::doing the happy dance for AmI:::

You got validation you're a mother, you matter and life isn't all screwed up against you...and you got that validation through your own efforts!

Way to go!

My two cents about DD is saying, "Honey? Only your Dad knows the truth. You can ask him anything you want. You're his daughter. He loves you."

Encouraging them to find their way, that you believe in them, know they can do it, is what Between Parent and Child was about, I thought. It validates their concern, teaches them not to DJ (which was the seeds of learning to self-soothe through DJs you overheard) as a means of coping...living in truth and asking for it...all within our control.

Getting it is another thing. Still, tells self, "Self, you're worth knowing the truth, so I asked."

Good stuff...and it mirrors you, AmI...wanting to know the truth and getting.

To second other posters...how's your Steve Plan coming along? Your O&H statements? Increase them, those veritable "I" statements...drive-bys galore, 'k?

(((AmI)))

LA

If I can offer a word of suggestion here... check out the attorney's information before spending a lot of money on this issue. I am happy for you if he is correct... I just would want some verification that this has actually been sucessfully done. You may also find that you can work out an agreement with your STBX for more time than a court would allow.
But considering his wacky ways of late, I would say that you got good news today and it has afforded you the status and options that you have surely earned as the mom to these children.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This US Supreme Court decision is why I am a bit skeptical as to what this lawyer can really accomplish. I hope I am wrong!



http://www.divorcesource.com/OR/ARTICLES/kramer15.html

Thanks, MEDC.

That and another case in our State Supreme Court that I had researched were what I had gone in to the lawyer's office with, and part of why I was SO worried before. Plus the fact that the laws in my state are not at all favorable to step-parents.

Without getting into too much legal detail ... the lawyer gave me quite a bit of case law in our county -- that I am going to the courthouse tomorrow to confirm, but sounded firm there at her office -- that suports step-parents getting parenting time. Can't get legal custody, but I can get parenting time, and it can be based on our availability and schedules (which will shoot him right in the foot during the school year).

Part of the ruling you cited has to do with timing -- a non-parent can't just file "at any time", but the courts here have determined that means that an individual who has been a primary caregiver by the permission of the parents, *can* file for parenting time, but it has to be within a reasonable timeframe, when there is still a relationship with the children and within a reasonable time frame of the children being removed from that person. Here, they call it 90 days.

So, that's why I'd have to file fast after he moves out. Which I'm very wiling to do if it gives me a shot at having my kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.