Awwright Ami, great news!!! Interesting what Steve and his crew can do to a WS, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Still recovery is a ways off but the direction has been set.

Now not to burst your bubble but he is still in the WS mindset so it's best you be ready for him to slip a back....even if it's a bit or a lot. Either way.....u can handle it. Why? 'cuz u've got a plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now as for me wizzin' around the island in a cute coupe..... it's more like a passat stationwagon. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> As for the long flowing movie star hair.....welp, It's getting longer....time for restylin' and the big flower? It keeps fallin out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> RE: The married ladies traditionally wear it on the left and I am just not used to that.....so with this ring on my finger and my left ear not cooperating as well as my right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I prefer to wear an orchid lei. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work. Out in the big blue, we iz rootin' 4 u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Now not to burst your bubble but he is still in the WS mindset so it's best you be ready for him to slip a back....even if it's a bit or a lot. Either way.....u can handle it. Why? 'cuz u've got a plan.

Yeah, I know I'm in for some ugliness here. He flat out told SH that he's not giving up OW .... SH told me that OW is the arrow in my heart right now, and that WH isn't ready to take that arrow out. Part of the reason he wants me to be SOOOOOO guarded and careful during this "information gathering" phase.

He said don't even try to get WH not to see her, don't try to get any commitments from him at all .... just help him gather information.

So I know things aren't going to be pretty. I'm trying hard for LA's "loving detachment" .... trying not to track or notice when he comes home ..... buckling in for a really tough ride.

-AmI (replacing the big tropical flower with an orchid lei, but keeping the rest of the movie-star-in-a-coupe image.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

(((((Ami))))

I think you can be very encouraged.

Today my H and I are have been in Recovery for 3 years and are very happy.

He agreed to talk with Steve H... just after D-Day at least once maybe twice...Like you, I was SHOCKED that he would agree to do so. At home, while I was doing MY PLAN..as Steve called it..he was treating me horribly, spending many nights and each weekend with the OW.

There were many horrendous times to come for me..for us..LONG STORY...

The main point I want to make to you is..unbeknownst to me..it was ALL SINKING IN..the SEEDS that STEVE planted were right there in his brain..Towards the end, he would QUOTE STEVE back to me...

I definitely think you should be encouraged by this although, unfortunately, there's lot's more pain for you to come...It's hard for them to break it off...

I say remain persistent and vigilant. When you get thrown, get right back up on the horse. Don't let your WH encourage you to give up on the R and your belief in your marriage. Your persistence will BLOW HIS MIND and the OW's mind...

Plus, REMAIN COACHABLE by Steve...

Mimi..right there with you in the struggle..wanting to hold your hand along with all your other MB crew here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ETA: How about some good smells in your bedroom? Yankee candles..potpourri... Does he like lingerie? Leave it out..CREATE OLFACTORY AND VISUAL MEMORIES OF YOU....

I'm really happy for you Ami. best of luck... and lots of courage... for you on your journey ahead

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: Good, you've got a plan. Now tighten up on the skills where you can tell it's your H talking vs the WS babbling and how you plan to respond. Let us know when you wnat to practice some lines.

Btw, the stuff the WS is babbling has been heard before. Most of our WS' have said similar, maybe not directly to Steve but babbled nonetheless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

The plan is HOW NOT to allow that arrow give you further pain. If it was physical and you were already at the hospital, what would they do? Think about it and see how you can apply similar applications to the emotional pain you are enduring. See the difference now is you are no longer fighting this alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The doctor is in the house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Steve that is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


The flower in my hair clashes with my round face. LOL!!! I like the idea of a convertible but the rain around here makes it hard. That's mostly for the tourists and Magum PI. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So for now I will keep buzzing around in my VW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Gotta scoot off to work.

Aloha,
L.

O- I would appreciate some practice. I think I may need it!

AmI- I just wanted to thank you for posting to me tonight. YOU are a great friend and person. I appreciate your support, and your good heart!

I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I will be standing still for the time being...let the answer come to me instead of searching for it. I think that's best right now!

I hope you are enjoying your weekend! I have mine for the most part! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AmI,

Angel wings...you have your own, too...and others feel them. See how the gifts we share go around the world?

Takes no effort, only the choice to share what is in us...Rin felt it...I do, too...and when we share our shelter, we can feel sheltered.

God's design is truly stunning...brilliant that way. God will bring you all you need, really need, at any given moment.

You are not alone. You never have been.

LA

Ok Rin, go put some samples of WS babble in your thread and I'll see what I can do. I have go to work again tomorrow....I just got home from work and it's about 1:30am....so it may be while b4 I can post again.

I'm not the only who RB's around here. Just the foremost promoter of it. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Not much new to update around here. WH got home late again this morning. DD had a friend staying over, and I heard him in the kitchen, and thought it was the girls. So I got up to see what they were doing, and ended up talking to him about his night, the cases he'd had, what was going on, etc. He implied that he'd been working late, but I didn't even ask or go there. His phone was vibrating the whole time, and he just ignored it. We probably talked for half an hour or so while he ate some cake (HA! Ironic, huh??? But it litterally was cake that I'd made for the kids .... chocolate with Peanut Butter frosting). Then he said he had to go to bed, he was beat, and I went back to my own bed, too.

After the kids and I got home from church, he took DS hunting, and DD and I went with my SIL for a walk on the river trail.


Anyway .... I have noticed something going on with me that I am really not liking at all. And I've noticed it a lot more recently. I'm ashamed to admit it, it really bothers me. But here goes ..... I have been noticing men a lot more. Paying a lot of attention to them, picking out features or attributes that I like, looking to see if there's a wedding ring, and even feeling disappointed if there is (or if there's a girlfriend around). I have not done that since I was single, before WH and I were dating. But since we've been together, I never paid an ounce of attention to whether someone was married or not, or even noticed that there were other males on the planet, really. But now I catch myself doing it all the time, and it makes me really uncomfortable. Today in church, a young, maybe early 20's, guy sat next to me, and I was so incredibly AWARE of him. Could describe, even now what he was wearing, looked like, smelled like, what his voice sounded like .....

I stop this whenever I catch myself, and I definitely haven't taken any action whatsoever. I just feel really weird about the fact that it happens at all. Is this strange? Normal? Anything I can do about it other than just keep trying to catch the thoughts when they happen and stop them?

I'm really embarrassed to admit this is even happening, so please be a little gentle with me.

Thanks.
-AmI.

Glad to hear that you and your H seem to be talking more.

As far as your noticing men... be aware of your feelings... but don't worry about it. It is most likely just a reaction to the stress that your H is putting your under. Plus, there is a part of you that most likely wants to feel appreciated by someone since your H has made such a HUGE hole in your self esteem. I say, just know that you are not open to any relationship at all until things are resolved with your H. Don't worry yourself about something new... recognize your vulnerable due to the circumstances... and cut yourself some slack. You deserve it..

Have a nice night.

MEDC

AmI- Please do not beat yourself up on this...I have found myself during times when WH and I have not been doing well also noticing OM. Just be aware and please do not act on the notion.

LOL...It's okay! Don't lose any sleep over this.

My question is are you also thinking about life without WH? Thinking about the future perhaps? Maybe not living in the day?

I ask because I have thought these things in the past...I was wondering if we are prong to notice OM during difficult times, could we be thinking along the same lines also?

Please let me know...I would be interested in learning it about myself...could this be a pattern with OP also?

Your support and the fact that you question yourself like I do is a fabulous aspect of YOU...Did you do the exercise in LA's thread on villagers?

Well it's about time you start noticing good smellin' men. It w/b sad if your smeller was getting dull from all that WS B.O. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ami, it's ok. You wanna hear another story? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I entered plan B on the 1st Saturday in March 2001. D/d was the Saturday after Thanksgiving Nov 2000. Yea....I was in shock a looong time. But by the 1st Saturday in March 2001, I was not only noticing guys, I was dreamining about them. In fact, that's what set me into plan B. WHAT?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well, let me 'xplain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I had a dream..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It had t/d with freedom but not in the MLK way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This dream was started out being in a room with a lot of people from work but somehow we were in a room where there were a lot of medical staff. I worked for a payroll service company so the odds of this happening is slim. Most of my co-workers and staff were there, all mingling around with the doctor's, techs and nurses. This one doctor who just happened to look like George Clooney asked me out. Later in the dream we went somewhere in Santa Cruz and went rollerblading (I don't skate). Then we went back to his very nice home on the cliffs over looking Monterey Bay and he made a nice dinner. We talked about whatever and all I remember is feeling comfortable and safe. No sex....that part didn't happen in the dream (shucks!)....but still I woke up with a real nice feeling. With that I knew I was not the piece of trash the WS and OP were trying to make me feel like. I knew I could give and receive love again. That set me in motion real fast. It wasn't about NOT having sex or whatever....it was about feeling cared for and safe. It was a pleasant feeling that I now craved. Hm.... my taker musta woke up that day and hasn't been to sleep since. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I called the WS at a little after 7am. He had just gotten in from work about 1 1/2 hours before and was finally falling asleep. Oh boy, that was fun for me. I woke him up, told him I was ready and to go get it. No explaination. Just like that. Then I hung up.

In his state of stupor, he quickly called me back and asked what I meant. I repeated myself and sounded irriated. He grumbled he was tired and I told him that was his problem. Then I hung up. Now he couldn't go back to sleep and I wanted my dream to continue. LOL!!! Actually I was already up but wasn't going to let him know that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So with less than 2 hours sleep, he came over to see us. Guess OW musta got mad because now I ruined both their day. He was staying in a rented room 1/2 way between OW's house and our home. So whenever he came down our way, she was mad. LOL!! I liked it when she was mad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's my 1st story, got more but I think you got the pix right? It's ok.....just don't touch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks, all.

I definitely don't plan on "touching", or following through on anything. I guess I just felt a little creeped out by the fact that I was even looking .... I'll try not to be so creeped out now.

Things at the house are still ok .... we got along pretty well last night. He and DS got several rabbits, and WH and I were sitting in the kitchen talking while he was cutting them all up. He was joking about why was that his job, he was the hunter, he had provided for the family ..... it was nice, relaxed. We even watched the news together, his case from the night before was on, and there were a few shots of him at the scene. I gave him my copy of HN/HN ... not sure if he looked at it at all today.

He stayed home last night.

And October 1 came and went .... and he isn't making any moves to move out. I need to figure out the money thing, though. If he's going to be there, he needs to help with the bills. Do I ask him for 3/4 ths of all the bills (mortgage, utilities, etc.?), since he made such a big stink about "whose kids they are" .... or just see what he does? His check is not auto-deposited .... he usually cashes it and deposits it into the joint account. Today was his payday, and I didn't see it hit the account today.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.
-AmI.

I would ask...since he is to be "gathering info", he may have changed his mind on the location in which he gathers it.

You know, "How are WE going to pay the bills together this month?

Can't see why it wouldn't hurt to ask...

I think you missed some of my posts...I'm a mess right now!

aahhh...so you noticed there are other fish in the sea. Just don't go throwin' any bait! I remember when myself esteem was in the toilet I felt invisible everywhere I went. As I am recovering my selfesteem has improved. I am more aware of my surroundings, I am more self aware. I am no longer invisible. At work, people even men say hello. I've appreciated the view at times.

I had a dream like Orchid's. Except it involved my last boyfriend (the one just before FWH)...it was the same kind of feeling...I felt safe...cherished...loved. Its not a bad thing to want those things for yourself. Its my little comfort fantasy....and it remains just that. (I have no clue where old BF is or what his status is...didn't even try to find out...It might ruin the fantasy)

Good Morning AmI! Just checking in on you! I was noticing that our sitch is kind of the same...a few things differentbut for the most part the same...

What do you think?

Just wanted to let you know my eyes are open, no fog here!

Just a little update .... WH is so confusing to me.

He disappeared in the middle of the night last night .... I fell asleep on the couch watching TV, and when I woke up and went to bed around midnight, he was gone. Home before the kids got up, though, so that's at least good. And, I didn't have the crushing rejection feeling, either .... just kind of shake my head disappointed .... so that's a good thing, too. The start of loving detachment???

Then today I was headed home at lunch, and he drove past me on the cross road .... he called me right away to tell me he was going to our old neighbor's house. He didn't want me to think I had to follow him, but could if I wanted to.

He called me at work about an hour later to check in and let me know where he and the neighbor were going and what they were doing.

Very odd. I don't think I'll ever be able to figure him out.

I sent him an e-mail with a list of the bills for the month, saying since he and the kids were still living there, then he'd need to help with the expenses. I showed his portion as 3/4 of the mortgage and utilities, and half of the car payment and both vehicles insurance. (We paid off his truck already, and my car is the primary vehicle for getting the kids around in. I didn't add in gas for my car.)

Is that aggressive?

He hasn't picked up HN/HN yet, it's still on the counter where I gave it to him.

Guess we'll see if he goes through with the call back to SH this week. We're supposed to talk to SH "together but he'll talk to us separately" .... but I think we will have to do it totally separately since I leave Thrusday morning for Denver. Since I'll be out of town Thursday through the weekend, he's taking days off to take care of the kids those nights. I think he'll go stir-crazy and be leaving them home alone at night after they go to bed..... I'm a little worried about that.

Just trying to hang in there.....taking care of me ....

We have massage therapists who come to our office three days a week .... I'm going to go get a chair massage here in a few minutes!


-AmI.

YES! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Is this in your control? I just want to make sure that your aware of this.

You sound great and I think that you are doing a wonderful job! Keep u the good work...you'll be about to handle this alot better with loving detachment!

Do you feel strong? How's your energy level?

"Is this in your control? I just want to make sure that your aware of this."


Ack! Great point ..... you got me .....


Well, I'm still learning the loving detachemnt thing, I guess. Harder to do it when it affects the kids, though, ya know?


-AmI.